Daughter Missing Daddy

Dear F., My daughter is only 18 months so I have not had to face that issue yet. One thing that you might consider is talking to your middle daughter every couple of days, say before bed or another special time between the two of you, and tell her something about her dad... like how much you and he both love her, how he misses her too, etc. It doesn't have to be a lot at all as her cognitive level doesn't require it. You might also give her a picture of herself and her dad to put in her room. While I understand that you may not want to see his face any more than necessary, which I completely understand, it might help. You can tell her that whenever she misses him or wishes she could tell him something she can look at that photo or talk to it like it was him. A little strange maybe... but a six year old's world is not very rational to begin with... they can have imaginary friends, right? Maybe your ex will call her more, but in the meantime, good luck!

I went through the same thing, but I was the child. My dad left and I had memories of having him as a dad, not someone who was irresponsible (like your oldest). Your 6 year old has it the hardest - good memories, but too young to see the difficult parts of the situation. I think the most important question you need to answer right now is whether the dad is going to stay in the picture or fade away. Your daughter, although she is young, needs to see the situation for what it is. I wanted to be with my dad and talk to him, but he was not a good dad. My mom let me work through that and experience my dad for who he was. She never badmouthed him or said anything negative, just let me get to know him myself. He was there about as much as your husband is, if not a little less, but I figured it out. Unfortunately, your daughter is going to miss him and be sad, that is the hard part about divorce, but how you deal with it now and let her learn and have you as support will help her in the long run. Don't cover it up, don't pretend the situation is different. Let her learn with you by her side what kind of relationship she is going to have with her daddy. She knows she can't trust one of her parents, just make sure you stay honest and supportive and caring and she will be fine because she has one parent that is unconditional and going nowhere. I hope this helps. If you want to talk more my email is ____@____.com. S.

I was married for 13 years before my divorce. My daughter was 10 at that time. She went through stages of feeling guilty and hating her father. When I started to date she would pre-judge my friends. I never knew if she was comparing them to her dad or just wanting to feel apart of something.
Your daughter could feel guilty for liking this new man. I'm sure it does make her miss her father, but sometimes kids just miss what they "think" was their father. Maybe she thinks if she likes this new man her dad will not love her. Be careful of what the "ex" says to the kids, and NEVER be surprised! Tell her no one will ever be her "daddy", but that this other man (if he is the one) would like to be her friend and maybe later her step-daddy. Tell her she could be very lucky and have 2 fathers in her life. For someone that young, it would probably do her good to see her parents (other significant others also) speaking in non threatening terms to each other. At least for face value in front of a child that young.
I just know from my experience, my child has not developed a heathly relationship with her father and she is now 21. They seldom talk.

F.,

I understand completely about a child missing their daddy. My husband is in the military and was in Iraq all last year. My now 4 yr old missed daddy every day. Since the lil girl is 6 you can try to explain some things to her (mommy and daddy love you but we can't live in the same house anymore). Try talking to your ex husband and see if he might will call a little more often so the child can talk to him. A friend of mine calls his lil girl (age 4) every night and she understands that her mommy and daddy love her but they can't live together. Best thing to do is if she has questions, answer them to the best of your ability and never lie to her. Good luck!!

F.: Please forgive me if this comes out preachy--you're the one in your life, and you know what will and won't work. Take any advice of mine with a grain of salt. :)

I'm 23 and also divorced; my boyo was a year and a half old when I left his father. You'd think he'd be too little to really have memories of his father, but you'd be wrong.

I've found the most effective response to "I miss Daddy" is asking what about Daddy my boyo misses. Telling him stories about him and his daddy. Telling him the stories about when his daddy was his age, at least, the ones I remember. Making a conversation out of it instead of a debate. It kills me to do it, sometimes, because Daddy and I parted on horrible terms, and the man is *wildly* absent from his son's life. But he's also half of my boyo's genetic makeup and the last thing I want my boy to do is hate half of himself or think that I do. So I won't make his father out to be a god when we talk, but I can't demonize him, either. There's no profit in it.

Whatever feelings may be between you and your girl's father, the fact remains that he's her daddy and therefore important to her. If she asks why he isn't more present? Be honest and compassionate. "I don't know, baby; I'm sorry," is both. His absence isn't her fault or yours or anyone's but his; it's a choice he's making. If you have a number for him, maybe you can offer to call him instead of waiting for him to call her.

And when she comes up for air? Remind her that she doesn't have to split love between her daddy and your beau. Love's bigger than that; there's enough to go around.

Okay. Enough of my sermons. Good luck, F.. Strength to you. :)

I am not divorced but when you say he calls maybe once every two weeks it sounds like he is not consistant or regular with the phone calls. They should really speak with their father more, the phone being their only link to their father because of the distance you and their dad live from one another. If you can explain to him they are needing more time with him even if over the phone. Each of your girls should have their own special phone time with him at least once a week. He has to let them know that they are so important to him even though he does live far away and can't visit as often.

I understand what you are going through. I have two boys and was with there dad for 12 years. This past January, he just walked out on us for no reason. I have not seen him since. I have not even spoken with him. I don't know where he is at or what he is doing. My little one was only one when he left so he don't remember him and he is OK. It is my 7year old that is having a hard time. He loves my new boyfriend but still holds on to all the pain from his dad. They were best friends. He use to cry himself to sleep and have bad fits. He is doing better now but still has those days that he talks about him and misses him. What I do is not even mention his name. If Devin wants to talk about him, I will but don't bring it up! Don't talk bad about there dad in front of them. Things will get better in time. When your daughter starts to get upset over her dad, reassure her that he is still her dad and just because he is not there alot does not mean he don't love her. Try to stay active with her until she gets past this. I know she is hurting but it will get better! Pray, Trust in the Lord. Have her pull out her childrens Bible and read it. It always helps my son because he knows how good God is and how he helps us through anything. Good Luck to you and God Bless