Child Not Wanting to Talk to Me on the Phone When She Is with Her Father.

Hey A.,

I know you said you never say anything bad about dad but you do not know what dad is saying about you. My ex would tell my son things like I can't see you this weekend because I have to work to give mommy money for you!!! You get where I am going with this. I think if you just continue being the mommy you are do not take it personal your daughter will come around again. Do not get hurt just be positive and loving and she will realize the difference on her own. I do not know your ex but I do know that sometimes people can not take blame for their mistakes and it is easier to put the blame elsewhere YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM and he is not your concern any longer. I am sure it hurts you but you really have no idea what is going on in his head either. Talk therapy can help for your daughter. I wish I had taken my son when he was that young so he could let his feelings out. My son was only 19 months when I split with my ex but he still suffered some issues from his dad's rejection. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with her but she may need to talk to someone who is not so involved and be able to talk freely. Just an idea. Have a happy mothers day and just keep positive. Good luck!!

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Don't take it personally and don't force her to talk on the phone. You may be better sending her a text message or email and that way she can check it with daddy and write you back when they have time! You could also ask him to have her call at a time that doesn't interrupt an activity.

You say that you share custody 50/50 which is great if you are both able to manage it. Sounds like you both want more time. She could be picking-up on the stress- children are very perceptive. She may realize that you are sad when she's with her father and is responding appropriately.

Don't force it. She is likely very happy when she is with you and happy with him. It must be very difficult for you to be away from her and stressed with school. Perhaps a hobby to keep your mind occuppied when she's away?

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It sounds like she is getting some sort of overt or covert pressure from her dad to be distant from you when she is there. Will she talk to you on the phone when she is with one of your relatives or friends? Don't take it personally. Shemay be picking up on her father's non-verbal emotional cues.

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A.,
For all you know he is saying things to her which I have seen from other couples in your situation. Maybe it is time you have a heart to heart talk with your daughter and hopefully she will tell you what is being said. I would not ask her direct questions, just be creative and see what she says. Also does your daughter have her own attorney? If not she needs one. I am really hoping your ex is not saying things to her as it will hurt her for a very long time.
Hugs,
T.

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This seems normal to me. Went thru similar situation, everything is fine now...but she's still short on the phone! She probably just misses him when she's with you, so wants face time with him, and why be on the phone with you, when she'll just see you later? Also, kids this age are extremely visual, and tend to get very bored on the phone, hence the one-word answers and the quick bye-bye. Good luck. This will always bother you a little, and she'll never remember it.

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Hi A.
Sorry about the situation you are in. I can see that it is so tough for you.
Of course no one knows why she is not wanting to talk on the phone to you, but let me tell you my personal even as an adult story.
Even today if my husband calls when he is away on business I miss him more, don't want to ever hang up and cry when he does. It has been that way my whole life. I don't know it is rather my out of sight out of mind scenario that I can just pretend he is coming home any minute but when he calls it confirms that it is not so.
Perhaps your daughter is like me. Dad was always away at work or whatever so it isn't hard for her to talk to him, but she is always with you and so to talk to you makes her feel more lonely and sad. Is it possible? Yes because I live with it even today.
Just a thought!!!
I love to hear from my adult children but I miss them more and cry when we hang up. Is it possible her dad wouldn't want her to cry, or that she wouldn't want to cry, even though she feels that emotion? Again just a thought to ponder.
Old enough to be your mom, talk to her. Maybe you always cried when people left too. My children did. I did too.
Mom may have a story or two to tell also
God bless you and your family
K. SAHM married 38 years --- adult children 37, coach; 33, lawyer, married with 9 mo; and twins 18, in college after homeschooling

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Hi, I'm in a joint custody situation since 2006, and I can tell you that your pain of separation from your children never ends, but you do learn coping mechanisms as to how to deal with it. I have no issues with my daughter (she is 7) on the phone, my son is 11 and well, a boy of that age, doesn't really want to talk to his mom on the phone...so....
As to your daughter, mine likes to read books to me on the phone...it really makes me feel connected to her and I've had phone calls lasting up to 45 minutes! I recommend you try that as an idea once she can read - even now maybe she can "read" a book - make up a story - my daughter did that too. Good luck to you... reach out if you need more help.

Question...When she is with you, does she speak to her Father on the phone??? I share custody of my daughter with my Ex-husband...She lives with him 2 weeks out of the month and 2 weeks out of the month home with me...When she is with him (She is with him) I don't try to impose myself into the time she has with him. She can reach me on my cell 24/7 with the cell I pay for her. It is nice when she is there and she misses Mommie. Your child unfortunately is in the middle of a custody battle. I think you might be afraid that the ex may turn your daughter against you, which is why you think you need to "talk" to her when she is with Daddy...Guess what, It does not matter what he says to her about you...When your child is with you on your 50%, Love her, Nurture her, Read to her, Sing to her, Play games with her, shop with her, etc... My daughter and I have a special song that we sing together when she is home with me...If we got on the phone when she was with him, even if she was quiet, I would start singing that special song... JUST BE MOMMIE...Trust me, that will stay in her mind when she is with him, no matter what! I went through the same BS with my Ex...I don't give him the satisifaction of knowing how much of a jerk he has been at times. I do however only speak to him when it is absolutely necessary for the sake of the child we co-parent. It's alittle difficult to ask you to relax, and just concentrate on your time with her, and not worry what happens when she is with him. This has to be alittle stressful, but Change is Not change, Until YOU change...I hope this was helpful and that you understand that you have NO control over your Ex and the behaviors he displays pertaining to this situation. Like I said, Keep being the wonderful MOMMIE that I am sure you are, and everything will fall right into place...Join a Gym, Take Yoga, do something when you have time that helps you relax and take your mind off of the "noise" your ex has going on between his two ears. Start telling your precious daughter that she call Mommie whenever she likes to. Give that child an opportunity to do what obviously will happen on its own...My daughter is older than yours, and things are much better, because I have a better attitude about them... You know if you have tried to talk to him regarding this situation, I am sure he is resistant, because he does not think that he has done, or is doing anything wrong...Just reassure your precious daughter when she is with you, that YOU Love her very much...Don't even discuss Daddy, because I am sure he is laying a "guilt" trip on her as it is. Eventually she will see right through him, and one day his games will come to an end with your daughter once she becomes vocal about his "childess" behaviors ;)

Happy Mother's Day...If you Live in Brooklyn, How about a Movie with a Mamasource Mom whose daughter is with her Father for his 2 weeks??? Let Me Know... C.

Kids are very fickle and right now she is preferring her father for reasons unknown, later she will turn to you for no apparent reason either. When you say she gets sad talking to you it might be she misses you or perhaps there is too much tension to deal with and it makes her uncomfortable. Make sure your conversations are happy ones and not prying or weepy. Dont tell her how much you miss her or ask too many questions about what she is doing. Also make sure when you call her it is at a convenient time where she is not doing something important to her. Call her every other day, keep the calls brief, tell her fun things you have seen or done and then tell her you love her and end the call.

Obviously your daughter is traumatized, Have you spoken to her father about whether he is saying or even hinting negative comments about you?
Your daughter may even be resentful that mummy leaves her with daddy so often. Kids so young need their mother's especially more and don't understand the complications of seperation or divorce.
Why don't you talk to your ex and suggest some 'together' time with your daughter, just to reassure her that mummy and daddy love her together. However, explain to her that 'together' time does not mean that daddy or mummy will be living together and it should be spent in a neutral place.
GOOD LUCK! J. S

You don't say how acrimonious this divorce is. Perhaps your ex is in the background when you talk to your daughter on the phone, making her feel uncomfortable for wanting to talk to daddy. Can you talk to your ex and ask what the situation is like from his standpoint? If not, you may have to give up the calls if it is making her feel torn in her loyalties. Maybe you can write letters to share when she returns, so you remember what you wanted to say and talk about it together.

Hi A.,
I travel a lot for work, and there are many times my daughter won't talk to me at all when I'm away. When I'm home, sometimes she'll talk to her grandmother or her father on the phone and sometimes she won't, and when she does, some of those conversations are far better than others. My daughter will be 6 in June.

Some of the things that affect whether she'll talk or not are if she's watching TV or playing she is far less interested in talking. Also, I think the phone is still somewhat mystifying at that age. I would not take it as any indication of how much she misses you or loves you or read anything else into it. It's hard when you would like to hear their little voices and they don't want to talk, but I think talking on the phone is hard and a bit confusing for them.

Maybe you could come up with some kind of story game to play on the phone where you each make up parts of the story and continue it, something fun that she can participate in that goes beyond, "so what did you do today? are you having fun with daddy? do you miss me?"

Best wishes, and good luck with the custody.

It has to be very painful for you. I suspect that your daughter misses you terribly. My daughter, even more so than her little brother, has always had difficulty navigating and verbalizing her emotions about leaving me to be with her father and tends to shut down or get angry. Talking to me on the phone was too difficult for her for the first couple of years. Now that she's older she is communicating better, though it still takes some guidance sometimes. You may find that your daughter will communicate her feelings in other ways. It may help to have her draw pictures of what she does when she is with her father or make up stories. She can draw how she feels also. In the meantime, keep calling her but if she doesn't want to talk, just keep it short so as not to prolong your agony or her sadness.

My step son is almost 5 years old. My husband has been seperated from his exwife since my step son was about 5 months. It is the opposite here. When he calls daddy he never wants to talk to him. The most my husband gets is bye bye goodnight. I think its more that he knows mommy is upset when he is with daddy and doesn't like to upset her anymore. You can't take it personally. Try to talk to your ex about it. We try to all meet up for lunch once in a while or do something together so my step son sees that there is no competition and we all get along. Now don't think that we are all the best of friends. they have been going to court to resolve some things, but do try to be nuetral around their son. We too have him 50% of the time.

At 5, children are at a prime learning stage of social emotional development. Perhaps she is unsure of how to handle the situation, perhaps she doesn't know how to handle her own feelings, or perhaps she is simply being a distracted kid who is in the moment. Whatever the reason, I suggest if she chooses only to say goodbye, be fine with it. Do not put your feelings on her - but ask her at casual times to talk about her feelings. She may need help finding the language to describe what she feels or wants. Some schools or communities have groups where young children can hang out together once a month and sometimes discuss issues or do activities together that help them process their family situations.
I'm sorry - this must be painful. Just remember, she is a child who needs acceptance, patience, understanding, and guidance.