Dad...not Being a DAD

Those sound like working hours to me. Do you expect your co-parent to be a stay-at-home parent the entire time he's with his son? That's simply unrealistic.

Quality versus quantity. From your past posts he clearly adores his son and wants what's best even if he doesn't go about it the same way you would. You seem to be trying to find whatever way you can in order to deem him unfit.

I get it that you hate this guy and don't want him to be a co-parent. Oh well, you made a child together. You don't have a lot of options here. One of your options is making the conscious choice to let go of your anger and dislike and need for control.

You don't like it that he parents differently. You don't like it that you're not in control of 100% of your son's time. That's okay. This is good practice for both you and your son. Both you and your co-parent need to learn to co-exist peacefully for the sake of your son and the next 18 years of life. I suggest you take some parenting classes together and maybe some family therapy for the sake of your son.

Sounds like he has a job which he uses to support his child. What do you do with your son while you are at work?

Is his father at work during that time? If so, then it makes perfect sense. It's possible to be a fabulous parent while also being a working parent.

Separately, parenting is not a competition about who is the better parent. It's unfair to a child to turn parenting time into a competition rather than to delight in the child enjoying a positive relationship with both parents.

Hayley,

Is it possible that you are looking for a way to prove the dad, is unfit? Or, that you're looking for ways that he is the lesser parent. From some of your questions it seems like you and the father are in a pretty good power struggle.
I wonder if these "issues" are even about your child anymore. Perhaps, this is about parents engaging in one-upmenship?? These things will only serve to harm your son, and it won't make either of you look better.

With that said, do you work? How many hours a day do you spend with your child? If he works, there is no choice, but daycare. There is nothing wrong with that. If YOU work, why can you and not him? Thousands and thousands of children have to be in daycare and don't see their parents for more then a few hours a day. Sure, that's not idea, but it is what it is.

My husband works 8-5:30 every day. Does that make him less of a dad? My son would certainly disagree.

Is he at work when his kid is in daycare? Because my daughter is in daycare m-f from about 7:30 till 4:30. And that doesn't make me a bad mom. It actually makes me a good mom because I'm providing for my daughter and she gets to have a roof over her head and food on the table. Sure, my husband provides most of the money in our household, but all of our bills wouldn't be paid if I didn't work.

I assume he is working? If not, how is he paying for daycare?
My husband has always worked every day, M-F, and only seen the kids in the evenings and on the weekends. I think he's a great dad because he provides for his family and when he's not working he DOES spend time with them.
Quality is a lot more important than quantity.
Just focus on YOUR relationship with your son and let your ex husband do the same. I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate it if he was telling you how you should do things.

Sounds like he maybe has a job and if that is the case, he doesn't really have a choice. I am sure he's not paying for childcare because he wants to.
You have to find a balance to pay the bills and have family time. How he does it may be different that how you do it.

"Exercising his weekly access"?? You mean, during his co-parenting time?

It sounds like he has a job. Be glad your son is not in daycare from 6:30 - 6:30, like some kids I have known. Many working parents have their kids in daycare from approx. 8:30 - 5:00, so that they can support their family.

Your last several questions sound to me sound angry and judging. Your son has two parents. The two of you aren't going to do everything the same way. That doesn't make his dad a "bad dad". If you want to be a "good mom" and effective co-parent, drop the comparisons and judgments. You've got lots of years left to co-parent your son with his father. These emotions will eat away at your relationship with your son. I know, I've been a stepparent for 26 years and watched my step kids' mother do this the entire time. The kids (now 27 and 30) hardly talk with her anymore, and very rarely visit.

Um, is he working and therefore needs to have him watched?

I'm adding to my post.....my daughter, 6, sees her dad once a week for 8hrs. That includes the 20 min to get where he goes after he picks her up and the 20 min to bring her home. During that time he spends most of his time not with her. He's too busy watching baseball, football, playing on the comp, leaving her w/ his (now) wife's parents, or sending upstairs to play alone. He picks her up late and brings her home early so 8 hrs isn't always 8hrs. You can't force a guy to be a dad. Looking back, I can now see he would be an abhorent dad. Now I live w/ it. We can't expect people to change just because we want them to. We need to make better choices to begin with.

If you don't like your son being in daycare, and you're home, offer to keep your son instead of making him pay for daycare. Switch days so he can see him on his off days. Or, if he's a bad dad like your other post suggests, be glad he's in a safe environment at daycare.

I'm confused. Are you still with dad? Is dad working while your son is in day care? How many days a week is this? That makes a big difference.

Thing is, you can't control what happens when dad is in charge, so it's a waste of time & energy to get upset about this. Also, what you think is "right" doesn't make it so for someone else.

I think what you're saying is kind of offensive to working parents, who have no choice BUT to use child care. Aren't we all just trying our best, to give our kids what they need? I may only have a few hours with DD each week day, but 1/2 of that is spent on her activities and the other 1/2 is spent on dinner, baths, reading, etc.

Also, I know people who spend all with their kids & totally ignore them & those who make those 3 hours a day worth their while. Quantity isn't always a good thing.

Does Dad work? (He must be, if he can afford such day care hours...) My hubby is a GREAT dad, but he only gets to see our 2yo DD 2 days a week, and one hour a day because of his work schedule. My DD still loves him very very much, and has an amazing bond with him.

Reading your other posts, it sounds like your son's dad is TRYING to be a good father (even if he seems to be a bit clueless about some things.) You should be grateful... there are MANY fathers out there who think that being separated from the mother means that they are also separated from the kids... At least he is trying!

It's not the amount of time, it's the quality.

If dad is working - then - sorry - day care is where he should be. If he has money to burn and doesn't need to worry about a paycheck - then yeah - he should be being a dad...playing ball, going to pool or the beach...

Don't say how old your son is - so maybe if he's young teaching him how to ride a bike or roller skate....

However, this is how your ex-husband (or former boyfriend) chooses to spend time with his child - that's HIS choice. It will end up biting him in the a$$ one day - think of the "Cats in the Cradle" song. but you cannot force him to do anything with his son.

As much as I disagree with him sending him to day care when it's his week - if he has to work to pay the bills - then he has to work.

daycare is an unfortunate reality for a lot of parents. and a lifesaver for some for whom it's not a necessity.
if he's having a couple of great hours with your son, he's no different from most dads.
don't compete.
khairete
S.

Well, my ex currently has 50/50 custody... And our son is in daycare from 6-6, and he's been trying to find from 5-8 (5am-8pm).

As long as the kids aren't being abused, the courts don't care what you do during their time. And if they are being abused, good luck. Because that rarely affects custody time anymore.

With every other weekend, honestly, count your lucky stars you've got it as good as you do.

If he's at work, what else can he do?

I was the custodial parent and I had to work to support two children. My ex wasn't fond of paying child support, but he also complained that I wasn't "raising" my kids....I was leaving it up to someone else.

It would have been nice to stay home and frolic around the house all day but that wasn't a reality for me.

I know few parents who can afford to take a week off just because they have court ordered time with their kids.

You can ask my son, who just turned 17 and was not even 2 when I left his father. He doesn't see either of his parents as "better", we just did things differently. He loves us both after all these years.

That is your goal....that your child will ultimately love both of his parents in the end regardless of how they do things.

Just my opinion.

Quality vs Quantity is at play here.

Some parents are BETTER parents with a few hours of parenting a day verses parents that are with their kids the ENTIRE day and possibly ignoring them, shushing them, and trying to get them out of their hair rather than keeping them challenged all day.

Bored kids have boring parents.

Dad might know that he is not capable of 8 hours of quality time with your child so chooses to put him into the social environment of daycare to keep your son from being miserable while visiting?

That's my guess.

Why do you think he can't be a dad if your son is in daycare? I assume he's working during this time. You want them to have the relationship you idealize. Maybe this is what he calls parenting. He won't parent like you, so don't expect that. Maybe they bond in other ways? You can't place controls on everything he does. If your son is safe and loved, let it go. All dads are not created equal.