T.S. asks from Ogden, UT on December 29, 2008
Our 18 year old daughter just come home from a "blind" date.(Yes I called her at 4:17 this morning to see where she was at) They all fell asleep, My question is what time should her curfew be? She is a senior in High school, Works part time and still helps with the family paper route. Yes, We totally trust her to do whats right, however, Her friend picked her up at 6:p.m. Sunday to go play games. We didn't hear anything from her till I called at 4:17 a.m.!!! Her friend come in and said it was totally her fault she would take all the blame, But I totally think my daughter should have said I need to go home or at least called!! Am I wrong in this thought?
1 mom found this helpful
So What Happened?™
I totally trust my daughter that morning I was concerned, However we have taught her right from wrong. We know this can happen. Thank you for your advice, She did call last night, My husband made her come home, and she did she is a great person and she knows she can come to her dad or I to talk about any thing. Thank you again.
N.W. answers from Salt Lake City on December 30, 2008
When I was in high school, if I stayed out past 10pm I had to call and tell my parents I was gonna stay out late. Then I had to be home (and inside) by 10pm the next 2 nights. It saved my parents a lot of sleepless nights and taught me to plan.
Until we came up with this arrangement, I didn't realize how much my parents worried about me when I was out late.
C.E. answers from Denver on December 29, 2008
18 yrs means she' LEGALLY an adult - that does not mean she can do whatever she wants in your home. Especially since there are other kids to consider.
Our eldest is currently back home due to poor choices she's made managing her money (she's 21) and she has to conform to the rules of our home -mostly because we have younger children as well.
She can go out on weekends, but needs to be home by a certain time. She cannot go out during the week as it disrupts the rest of house when she comes in late and I have to get up early-as do her siblings- to get ready for school and our day.
Since she's 21, we allow her to be out until 2:30 on Fri/Sat nights. Before 21, it was Midnight. There is no reason they are out later than that when they can't get into a bar, etc that it open later.
That's just my 2 cents. But I would stop it now. She DEFINITELY needs to be more "adult" about it when she's out and either call you to pick her up or get her friend to bring her home at the appropriate time.
Good luck and God Bless.
Mom to 4 (21yrs, 19yrs, 7yrs and 4.5yrs)
1 mom found this helpful
B.S. answers from Salt Lake City on December 30, 2008
Your daughter has to take responsibility, not her friend, Even if her friend was driving. She could have called you, and I'm sure you would have been very willing to pick her up if her friend wasn't willing to bring her home. Her friend taking the blame is really an out, you cant discipline the friend!
I know she's still in school and living at home, however she is 18, I'm sure she's testing the waters a little bit, she want's to act like an adult.
I think you could do one of two things, you could set a curfew, and say it is not fair to the other people in the home that she comes in late and it is not a good example to her younger siblings, and trust her to make good decisions about where she's going.
Or you can trust her to come home at a reasonable time as long as you know where she's going, she tells you what time she will be home, she calls you if there are any changes, and it doesn't affect her other responsibilities.
I don't have teens yet, but I remember being one, and wanting to be treated like an adult. So I hope this helps.
M.M. answers from Great Falls on December 30, 2008
T., my daughter s 18 also.
What i did, with all my 3 kids (sons are 25 and 23 now), we had a rule in home: everybody always knows who is where, and I did not make exceptions for myself either.We have cellphones nowadays, it's not a problem to communicate.
Whenever my girl is not home, she tells me first where she goes, when she returns, or if she relocates, she calls me again. I do the same. I am at wor- she knows, I do shopping, she knows (i call her and ask for example if she needs some shampoo, or stuff, simultaneously giving her a sign where I am at). e have it developed as a habit now.
At this age, they want a lot of independence. not to step on her feet, do it in a friendly manner, not showing that you suspect her of some lies or forgetfulness, or worse... just make it a rule of the house: whoever is not under the roof the rest of the crew is aware who is where. A little call, a note on the counter, there is a way to say who is where...
Be friends, do not quarrel, you want to be friends for a ifetime, so do not confront, but communicate like two adults who care, and love, and want to be of help to each other at all times, no matter what.
Good luck, and a happy new year, T., to you and your girl, and all the family!
P.A. answers from Provo on January 01, 2009
I am a mother of five wonderful children. I have two of the five that are not married.
Being eighteen is a hard age in many regards. Just because we trust our teenagers does not mean they do not need rules to guide and guard them.
We have had several rules that have helped. One they don't ask for anything in front of friends. Another, they take ownership for themselves and not have others answer for them.
We would discuss the plans for their evening together with them privately. Then work out a reasonable time for them to return home. With cell phones readily available it was just courtesy and love that would have been shown of your daughter to call when it was getting late. To know where they are is just smart so that if they were in need of help you would have that information in case of an emergency.
Teaching youth to be thoughtful seems to be a constant challenge. Being consistent is important. I think a curfew of midnight is more than fair. Nothing good happens after that hour.
Sincerely, A concerned Mom
T.T. answers from Denver on December 30, 2008
When I turned 18 my parents told me, don't come home drunk or high, don't run around doing things you know we wouldn't approve of, and be sure to call and let us know where you are and you don't have a curfew. I was also a senior in high school and had a part time job and many friends. It was before cell phones were in every child's hand, tho, do I didn't have one of those. But drive it home that you are just concerned about her and you expect her to call if she is going to be late or spontaneously staying with a friend or something. I got grounded if I didn't call and stayed out all night. It was an effective punishment for me. If you know she's a trustworthy kid, just make sure she knows you expect her to call and let you know where she is, if only for your peace of mind and safety reasons.
M.C. answers from Denver on December 30, 2008
Good for you giving your daughter a curfew! I too have an 18 year old, he is a senior in highschool and we still give him a curfew. I'm suprised at how many people don't give their teens curfews (especially parents of girls!) And just because they are 18 doesn't mean they can just go do whatever they want, especially while they are still residing at home and going to school.
You are right to be worried and you deserve the respect of a phone call. I've heard the excuse of falling asleep before as well as used that excuse myself. Just keep staying on top of it. We parents are due respect from our kids, and they need rules, it's good for them!
T.K. answers from Denver on December 30, 2008
Well, I am not sure what I will do in this situation when it is my own children. But I can tell you that I had a very good relationship with my parents growing up and they trusted me to do that right thing--but sometimes the right thing, meant calling my parents so they did not worry. She totally should have called you. I had a curfew of 1:00 am at 18--I had already graduated and had a full time job, but I was still living at home and my parents felt that nothing good happens after midnight, so 1:00am was a stretch. If however, I was going to be later than that time, I would call and let them know I was fine and that I would be home around a different time. As long as I called, my parents were cool with that. I say, set the time, but make exceptions if she calls and you trust her. I always appreciated and respected the trust my parents gave me in these situations, which made me not want to lose that mutual trust and respect.
L.B. answers from Casper on December 30, 2008
My daughter and sons are past the age of my telling them when to be home.. BUT, When they were under our protection and 18 or over, I just requested that they call us if they were moving from one location to another. If they were planning to NOT come home to let us know so we could lock the door. Because we were not demanding and treated them as adults with adult responsibilities,which were to keep their parents' stress level down, they obliged.
Even after my eldest son came home from the Marines( he was 22 yrs old at this time)and was living with us, when he went out he always called to let us know if he was going to be out later then he first thought.. or if he was staying with a friend for the night.
Like you, we trusted our kids, but we let them know there were expectations they had to uphold while they lived with us.
When I was in high school, my boyfriend and I fell asleep at the drive in movie. I didnt' get home til nearly 6:00 a.m. My mother didn't get after me about it, but I was up and out of bed by 8 a.m. and not allowed to take a nap during the day!
Communication and discussion are in order. Our society today is such that children and parents need to know where the other is. Too many baaaaaad things occur, so it is to each one's advantage to let people who love you know where you are.