Curfew

18 yrs means she' LEGALLY an adult - that does not mean she can do whatever she wants in your home. Especially since there are other kids to consider.

Our eldest is currently back home due to poor choices she's made managing her money (she's 21) and she has to conform to the rules of our home -mostly because we have younger children as well.

She can go out on weekends, but needs to be home by a certain time. She cannot go out during the week as it disrupts the rest of house when she comes in late and I have to get up early-as do her siblings- to get ready for school and our day.

Since she's 21, we allow her to be out until 2:30 on Fri/Sat nights. Before 21, it was Midnight. There is no reason they are out later than that when they can't get into a bar, etc that it open later.

That's just my 2 cents. But I would stop it now. She DEFINITELY needs to be more "adult" about it when she's out and either call you to pick her up or get her friend to bring her home at the appropriate time.

Good luck and God Bless.
C.
Mom to 4 (21yrs, 19yrs, 7yrs and 4.5yrs)

1 mom found this helpful

Your daughter has to take responsibility, not her friend, Even if her friend was driving. She could have called you, and I'm sure you would have been very willing to pick her up if her friend wasn't willing to bring her home. Her friend taking the blame is really an out, you cant discipline the friend!
I know she's still in school and living at home, however she is 18, I'm sure she's testing the waters a little bit, she want's to act like an adult.
I think you could do one of two things, you could set a curfew, and say it is not fair to the other people in the home that she comes in late and it is not a good example to her younger siblings, and trust her to make good decisions about where she's going.
Or you can trust her to come home at a reasonable time as long as you know where she's going, she tells you what time she will be home, she calls you if there are any changes, and it doesn't affect her other responsibilities.

I don't have teens yet, but I remember being one, and wanting to be treated like an adult. So I hope this helps.

T., my daughter s 18 also.
What i did, with all my 3 kids (sons are 25 and 23 now), we had a rule in home: everybody always knows who is where, and I did not make exceptions for myself either.We have cellphones nowadays, it's not a problem to communicate.
Whenever my girl is not home, she tells me first where she goes, when she returns, or if she relocates, she calls me again. I do the same. I am at wor- she knows, I do shopping, she knows (i call her and ask for example if she needs some shampoo, or stuff, simultaneously giving her a sign where I am at). e have it developed as a habit now.
At this age, they want a lot of independence. not to step on her feet, do it in a friendly manner, not showing that you suspect her of some lies or forgetfulness, or worse... just make it a rule of the house: whoever is not under the roof the rest of the crew is aware who is where. A little call, a note on the counter, there is a way to say who is where...
Be friends, do not quarrel, you want to be friends for a ifetime, so do not confront, but communicate like two adults who care, and love, and want to be of help to each other at all times, no matter what.
Good luck, and a happy new year, T., to you and your girl, and all the family!

Dear T.,..
I am a mother of five wonderful children. I have two of the five that are not married.
Being eighteen is a hard age in many regards. Just because we trust our teenagers does not mean they do not need rules to guide and guard them.
We have had several rules that have helped. One they don't ask for anything in front of friends. Another, they take ownership for themselves and not have others answer for them.
We would discuss the plans for their evening together with them privately. Then work out a reasonable time for them to return home. With cell phones readily available it was just courtesy and love that would have been shown of your daughter to call when it was getting late. To know where they are is just smart so that if they were in need of help you would have that information in case of an emergency.
Teaching youth to be thoughtful seems to be a constant challenge. Being consistent is important. I think a curfew of midnight is more than fair. Nothing good happens after that hour.
Sincerely, A concerned Mom

When I turned 18 my parents told me, don't come home drunk or high, don't run around doing things you know we wouldn't approve of, and be sure to call and let us know where you are and you don't have a curfew. I was also a senior in high school and had a part time job and many friends. It was before cell phones were in every child's hand, tho, do I didn't have one of those. But drive it home that you are just concerned about her and you expect her to call if she is going to be late or spontaneously staying with a friend or something. I got grounded if I didn't call and stayed out all night. It was an effective punishment for me. If you know she's a trustworthy kid, just make sure she knows you expect her to call and let you know where she is, if only for your peace of mind and safety reasons.

Good for you giving your daughter a curfew! I too have an 18 year old, he is a senior in highschool and we still give him a curfew. I'm suprised at how many people don't give their teens curfews (especially parents of girls!) And just because they are 18 doesn't mean they can just go do whatever they want, especially while they are still residing at home and going to school.
You are right to be worried and you deserve the respect of a phone call. I've heard the excuse of falling asleep before as well as used that excuse myself. Just keep staying on top of it. We parents are due respect from our kids, and they need rules, it's good for them!

Well, I am not sure what I will do in this situation when it is my own children. But I can tell you that I had a very good relationship with my parents growing up and they trusted me to do that right thing--but sometimes the right thing, meant calling my parents so they did not worry. She totally should have called you. I had a curfew of 1:00 am at 18--I had already graduated and had a full time job, but I was still living at home and my parents felt that nothing good happens after midnight, so 1:00am was a stretch. If however, I was going to be later than that time, I would call and let them know I was fine and that I would be home around a different time. As long as I called, my parents were cool with that. I say, set the time, but make exceptions if she calls and you trust her. I always appreciated and respected the trust my parents gave me in these situations, which made me not want to lose that mutual trust and respect.

My daughter and sons are past the age of my telling them when to be home.. BUT, When they were under our protection and 18 or over, I just requested that they call us if they were moving from one location to another. If they were planning to NOT come home to let us know so we could lock the door. Because we were not demanding and treated them as adults with adult responsibilities,which were to keep their parents' stress level down, they obliged.
Even after my eldest son came home from the Marines( he was 22 yrs old at this time)and was living with us, when he went out he always called to let us know if he was going to be out later then he first thought.. or if he was staying with a friend for the night.
Like you, we trusted our kids, but we let them know there were expectations they had to uphold while they lived with us.
When I was in high school, my boyfriend and I fell asleep at the drive in movie. I didnt' get home til nearly 6:00 a.m. My mother didn't get after me about it, but I was up and out of bed by 8 a.m. and not allowed to take a nap during the day!
Communication and discussion are in order. Our society today is such that children and parents need to know where the other is. Too many baaaaaad things occur, so it is to each one's advantage to let people who love you know where you are.

T.,

Children want guidelines and rules. It gives them a sense of security and love. This is something that is your obligation to provide. People may advise you, but in the end it is something that you get to realize for yourself.
Take the time to truly feel what is the best hour for your daughter to be home by. Communicate this to your daughter and have her agree (be willing to have some negotiation, until this can be a mutual decision).
Have an agreement that she can call you and have you pick her up if she is "stuck" somewhere.
Trust your daughter unless she has done something to lose that trust. I believe too many parents think the worst of their children. If you have raised them with respect and honor that is most likely the way they will behave.

Remember you are the parent. You are the one responsible for establishing guidelines to follow. It is no one elses job.

With my whole heart,
C. TLC (Transition Life Coach)

I always have a choice -- run my life or let life run me!

I feel like she should have called at least to tell you what was going on. She is 18 but she still lives at home. She should have to follow your rules. If she's usually responsible and this was a one time only occurance then, I'd set a curfew for midnight or one. If you have never given her a curfew before it may take her time to get used to it. But I always knew growing up that if I was going to be late, then I should call home. Good luck!!!

I also have an 18 year old senior. She has a curfew of 11:00 which to some may seem extreme but my house my rules. Kids even young adults still need structure.

who is the parent???? 4 a.m.!!! --- and you have other children watching this......... and, what does the wonderful daddy have to say??? scary...........i am soooo glad that you are asking for help, allow God in your life for some direction.

Yep. I used that excuse too when I was a teenager...and so did my sister. In my opinion, this is a punishable offence and you need to take some action. Whether is was an honest mistake or a cover-up...the end result is still the same. You are worried sick that she is in danger. Set a curfew and if she is going to be late a phone call is required.

I have a 16 year old and sometimes question myself and wonder if I am a softy or too hard on him, however, I would repremand her somehow just to let her know that it is serious... she could have rolled her car of the road or not made it to where she was going, etc, etc.. I myself would have been worried at midnight, I don't know how you made it to 4am. If she is under your roof still, I think it is ok to let her know you are serious and need her to respect your concerns. I think you have every right to lay down the law and do it with respect for her, you, and your kids that follow in her footstpes. She needs to be an example for them. I have been able to do this with no arguing with my son with his grades: If he has low grads= no car priveldges. If he pulls something like staying out without calling then no snowboarding... he understands and for the most part does not argue (unless it is a great pwder day at the resorts :) ) Good Luck

You are correct that your daughter should have at least called. Her friend can't take responsibility for your daughter not calling. However, you do trust her and she is a teenager and may not always have the best judgment. You two (three with your husband) need to sit down and have a serious talk about what to do if this happens again and what her responsibilities are. One approach to take is to talk about her safety. What if something happened and she didn't have a system of checking in? If something had happened to her you may not know until it was too late to help her. I am thinking of the two teenage girls who went out partying a couple of years ago and were kidnapped. Anyway, the stance my parents took, and we all appreciated and respected it, was that they would trust us until we proved we weren't trustworthy or had good judgement. Let your daughter know that you will give her freedom until she does something like this again; then you will have to start putting restrictions on her. Clarify that checking in isn't a restriction; it's common courtesy and important to her safety.

Nothing good happens after Midnight!!! I would recommend a curfew of Midnight as long as she is living under parents roof. She may be very trustworthy but there are many people out there who are not and too many bad things can happen in the middle of the night. Our son is 21 and still at home and we expect him to respect us enough to honor a Midnight curfew so that we are not worried and sleepless half the night.

You might trust her, there is still the aspect of peer pressure and this should stop right now. She is 18 and an adult in the eyes of the law, but shouldn't be in your eyes if she is still living at home. There really isn't a reason for her to be out all night. I would suggest a midnight curfew with a phone call to say if she is going to be late or not. This is your house, it should be by your rules....especially if she is still in high school. Like another post said, if you let her get away with it, the others are going to be trying to pull it and throw it in your face when you crack down on them but not her. Sit down with her and review the rules and expectations that you have for her. Good luck.
J.

My parents had a curfew with my brother and I until we graduated from high school. It was midnight and if we were going to be late we had to call and tell them where we were and about what time we would be home. We never got into trouble if we were late, only if we didn't call to let them know.

Once we graduated from high school we could either go to college, which is what I did, or we could stay there and get a job, which is what my brother did. However, since my brother decided to get a job instead of go to college then he had to pay rent. It was not very much I think like 100 or 150 a month, just enough to basically buy food for the month. But that gave him the freedom to come and go whenever he wanted, etc.

Have you heard of love and logic? There are books and workshops all over Denver. Even though she is 18 you still will be parenting her and your other kids too! Basically it is about teaching responsibility to the kids and getting them to make decisions:hence they will be much more cooperative and will be more likely to make good decisions. Logic: You were worried about her, she is still living in your home and you are going to worry! Here is the love: no anger, sit down with her and tell her you have a problem and that you are really tired from not sleeping well and worrying all night! Ask her how she would like to "pay" you back, give her some time to mull it over, say "try not to worry about it to much, if you can't come up with some ideas I would be happy to help you". Once again, no anger or sarcasm, let her focus on the problem and not being angry with you! Usually pay backs are in the form of a chore or errand perhaps since she probably drives now. She will be going to college or working and on her own soon, teach her responsibility and love her through her mistakes! Good luck!

If your daughter lives at home, whether 30 or 18, she has a responsibility to check in with you to a degree. She is still in school, so she should have a curfew by all means.

I think for an 18 year old 10pm on school nights and 11:30 on weekends is more then reasonable. No 18 year old needs to be out after midnight. Most cities have curfews for kids in school that are even more rigid. On school nights she should be at home, studying, doing homework and helping out at home. She sounds like a good kid, maybe she did fall asleep, however remembering being 18 I know too that they are totally capable of stretching the truth to suit the situation!

I say there has to be consequences if she doesn't check in.
I say she should have her own cellphone she pays for herself and is to answer it if it rings, set an alarm for when her curfew is up.

My concern is why is she in a position to fall asleep anyway? I mean that implies she was laying down somewhere so I would question that if she was out playing games. If she changed where she was going, you should have been called.

At her age I was allowed to set my own curfew (within reason) on vacation from school, during the summer months and weekends, however if I said I would be at a specific place I had to be. If I said I would be home at midnight, I would be or my priviledges were taken away. I never pushed my boundaries, I felt I had some say so in the matter but at the same time my mom wasn't worried about me either. On school nights I couldn't go out until homework was done and had to be home by 10pm.

If she lives under your roof you have to be able to lay down rules and expect them to be enforced. You however have to be the enforcer, which means you won't be popular sometimes, but being consistent, clear and following through with consequences, she will appreciate it one day! Promise!

Wow, you must have been horrified. 18 means your an adult right?/ an adult pays their own rent in my opinion. And all that comes with it. But if you still live at home with your parents then you have to answer to them.

Here is the thing -- if you let her get away with it then later on down the line her sibluings will pull that same bull.
Is it ok wit h you ?? 18 or not that is just disrespectful. It is your rules and you are still the "boss" there needs to be consequences!
I am sure she will want to go out for new years but it sounds like she already did. Stay strong and consistant.
She may be mad at you but that just means that you are her parent and not her friend all the time. Good luck and god bless

Even though she is 18, she is still in high school and should probably have a reasonable curfew that you, your husband and she can decide on together. Remind her that you do trust her, but unfortunately there are people out in the world that can't be trusted and things still do happen to young people as well as older adults. That it would be nice for her to call and let you know if she is going to be late or think she is going to be late, so that you guys don't worry that something bad has happened. I hope this helps in some small way. Hope you and yours have a great New Year!!!

Don't be naive. I was a straight A student and in the honor roll. But I had a wild streak. If kids are up until 4am in the morning they are probably up to no good. A bunch of kids hanging out arent going to just all fall asleep. I think I used that exact story with my dad. I am not trying to be mean. But keep a close reign on your teenager, until she moves out she is under your house and your rules. Curfew should be midnight! Kids up after midnight again, are up to no good!

When I was in high school, if I stayed out past 10pm I had to call and tell my parents I was gonna stay out late. Then I had to be home (and inside) by 10pm the next 2 nights. It saved my parents a lot of sleepless nights and taught me to plan.

Until we came up with this arrangement, I didn't realize how much my parents worried about me when I was out late.

I completely agree with you that your daughter should have known to get home on her own. If she's still in high school and living at home, she needs to still follow your rules. As you probably know, kids need to know their boundaries... even if that means they try to fight them. She knows she should have been home by your curfew (midnight or 1 am... whatever your curfew was). Now she needs to face the consequence of her actions... extra chores, no car, no phone (cell and/or land lines), no computer (except to complete homework), and needs to be home for the next 2-3 weeks... no going out... Now it will absolutely suck for you and your family as she complains about her consequences... but as long as you stick with it and are consistent when and if she does it again... she will appreciate it!

Good luck!