Creating a Brat?

What I have learned is that a. All mothers feel this way sometimes...this is a tough job!!! and b. this type of defiance is very age appropriate and, sigh, a good sign developmentally.

The best advice in this thread is to be consistant. That doesn't necessarily mean that you only ever utilize one strategy, but that the strategies that you use are employed for the same reasons each time. My son gets time out for doing things that he knows are wrong, such as hitting. If the infraction is, for example, a dispute with another about sharing a toy, take the toy away...it is best if the consequence matches the infraction.

I agree with spankings, but I have tried to use other forms of punishments then use that as the last resort. Something that is dangerous and they know they aren't to do that then it may call for a spanking. I like some of the things that Dr. Dobson has said about parenting and one of things I have learned that spankings should be used for a things they know they aren't to do that and do it anyways, but something that they do and didn't know that it was wrong, no spankings for that. Other punishments such as sitting in the corner where they can't see anything that is going on and then that may work. Taking a previlege away like a toy or watching a favorite cartoon or DVD is good. I recently learned that I felt I was punishimg myself when I told my oldest that he can't go to the Y because of a terrible thing he did. I was being punished because that meant that I could go. I talked to a friend of mine who kids are grown up or one that is growing up and she said that I should take a previlege away that would not harm or hurt me nor hurt him. Going to the Y is good for him to get the exercise out and don't take something that is educational away from them either. So, I have learned something from that. Your daugheter is still testing you and will learn quickly that you nor your husband would give in....but you need to lovingly and calmly talk with your husband not in front of your daughter that you feel that his overriding your authority and that if there is something either of you do that is a punishment and the other doesn't feel it's right, take your spouse to the other room and talk about what appropriate punishment for the child that you both can agree on. Never do it in front of the child. I hope all works out.

I have 2 girls now 11 & 5 - believe me there r times when motherhood has absolutely kicked my @$#! I think that around 3 1/2 both of my girls started struggling w/their own beings. Kind of like testing me w/everything I did or said. I don't think it's any indication of you sucking as a parent, because I should've failed out by now if that were the case. It's kind of like they try to find out where they fit in w/this whole thing - the next phase will be the picking out their own clothes, not picking up after themselves & right onto voicing their opinions on every request I make. I used to hate hearing about how it was just a phase, but it truly is. My husband always sides w/my girls or takes away the punishment I've given which absolutely pisses me off so I try to just explain to him how that does nothing to solve the problem. Many mothers at the end of the day feel like they aren't cut out for this, myself included in a big way - my husband works as a police dispatcher so his hours are never consistent & there are many times that he'll call & I'll tell him today's score is Motherhood 100 G. 0! You can't gauge your worth on how well your daughter listens right now - mom's are always the mean one's - we have to be! Good luck!

Thank you so much for posting this and for all who responded. I was in tears all week feeling like I was a bad mom for getting so upset at my oldest daughter. From her being so flaky when I am trying to get her dressed to listening to me when she needs to calm down of she will bang into her little sister. (there are many more examples) It seems like nothing is working so I will try a few of these. Thank you again and good luck.

I just wanted to tell you you are not alone. I have those moments as well. It's so hard. My 4, almost 5 year old can be wonderful and sweet, but when she is bad . . . look out!! And I have not found the solution yet either. As for your husband, you need to communicate with him. Talk it out. He's your best partner in this venture. You need to get him on your side. Hang in there! Everyone feels frustrated and ineffectual sometimes. You are not alone. And it doesn't mean you aren't doing a great job. (And who doesn't yell at their kids?? Cmon!) Good luck.

she must sense u are questioning yourself as an effective authority bc she's not listening. Its a cycle you must change by appealing to her differently.
Spanking is desperate and really never helps. It may scare her once or twice but eventually shows her that physcial vioslence is what makes you an authority, nto respect.

Every kid hoes thru a phase where they want to feel some control in life bc they're young but not a baby anymore. Give her some chances to feel control (choose food from options, ot clothes).

Talk to her more. Talk about feelings. I know you're mad you can't have a cookie. When I get mad, I do.....fill in a blank you will accept from her (color, yell, jump..).

And ask why she's mad. Be more respectful + she will too (most of the time). Tell her the rules and if she's good then praise her.

Parenting can be overwhelming so what you are feeling is normal. Unfortunately children do not come with instructions and even if they did they are all different. I think what you need to do is pick your battles. I don't think it is a big deal to not say hello to visitors at 2 years old. Even though you are comfortable with them she may not be. So I would let her have an opportunity to warm up to them before you insist she acknowledge them. Of course you can begin teaching her to meet and greet guests but I would not be ea so you have to embarrassed by it. I am not a believer in spanking I think it makes things worse and creates aggression. I am a firm believer in consistency and consequences. However you and your husband have to discuss how you are going to handle situations as they arise so you can be united. If not you will have a good cop bad cop situation. Decide what is really important to address and what is just normal 2 year old curiosity. Situations that needs to be addressed but not punished for. Sometimes when you pick on to many things they will learn to tune you out. Try to also encourage her good behavior by commenting when she does something good so she does not always feel like you are correcting her. Like if she cleans up her toys "Wow, mommy is so proud of the great job you did." Two is a tough age but children learn quickly if you are consistent. Once they know you mean business all you have to do is say there will be consequences and they will eventually listen. So over time you will have to repeat yourself less and less. When you say time out is not working are you sure you are doing it properly. When she does something wrong and you put her in time out try to get on your knees so you are eye level and with a very firm voice tell her what she did wrong and why you are upset. Then do not talk to her while she is there NO CONVERSATION AT ALL. If she gets up just take her and put her back in and say nothing. By talking to her you are giving her attention. Just keep putting her back. She should stay for 2 minutes. When you go to get her out then you can talk to her tell her you do not want her to do that again and give her a hug and move on. Have you ever watched Supernanny? There are episodes where it takes the parent's an hour of putting them back into time out before they stay. She encourages the parents to just keep doing it even if they are fighting you. Eventually they will give up. It does become a power struggle but you can't give up. Don't get discouraged we can only do the best we can. Good luck!!

I just reread after your responses I didn't read the all about me. I was referring to a toddler as you stated in your request. At almost 4 that is a whole different story. Toddler age to me is 2 and under. Stay consistent and have consequences. Good luck!!

Hang in there. Continue to be consistent. Every time she behaves badly, discipline her appropriately, and make her do exactly what you have told her to do. (I'll admit, sometimes that part is time consuming.) She's testing her limits. Over time, she will learn appropriate behavior from you. Toddlers don't get it overnight, no matter how fantastic the parenting!

E.,

Tell her what you want her to do, not what you don't want her to do.

Baby hits: 'Use gentle touches dear'.

Baby pulls tail: 'use gentle touches...'

Baby picks up Ming vase: 'one finger touches dear'

Baby reaches for door knob and can turn it to go out: 'stay inside and play with Mom, dear'

Couple each sentence with personal redirecting.

No one ever said it would be easy, but persistence on your part will help them learn.

Remember it takes 47 repetitions to remember something.

Husband taking over? 'Dear, please let me finish so she will understand what I am saying'. <resist temptation to put size 6 in hind end>

Good luck,
M.

Hey Mom,

At nearly 4 years old, I think she is testing teh waters.

Why not try 2 books

Whimpy Parents: How NOT to raise a Brat

http://www.amazon.com/Wimpy-Parents-Toddler-Teen-How-Rais...

The Family Virtues Guide.Simple ways to bring out the best in our children and ourselves.

http://www.amazon.com/Family-Virtues-Guide-Children-Ourse...

Both are Great books, the first is an easy read, with simple solutions.

The second is basically a guide to teaching your children virtues, with fun family activites,

M

Hi E.
Be patience this is there testing time be firm with what ever you want her to understand you and your husband
should work together he is not trying to diminishing your authority but he is a guy,the most important thing right now, she is been discipline kids don't normally listen to the one that spend the most time with them you are not failing she won't be a brat as long as you both be firm with what you want her to understand you are a great parent and will be
Good luck

Hi E.,
At almost 4, your preschooler (past the toddler stage for a year and a half) is being defiant. When they are toddlers, this behavior is testing the waters or not yet understanding the rules, but at her age, she knows that mom is in charge and she is defying your authority. Do not argue with her. If she is fresh or defiant, give a consequence right away - turn off the t.v. or take away her toy and march her to the time out chair. Don't make eye contact or speak to her. If she's behaving this way when you're out someplace fun, leave the park or ice cream place right away. She's old enough to make the connection between her behavior and the consequence, and to have the control to stop.
Don't forget to catch her being good and compliment her on her behavior when she is cooperative and uses good manners!

Hi there-

You must speak to your husband and tell him to back off (as sweetly as you can!) and then keep trying the time out method. Maybe try giving her time out for longer periods of time if it does not get through to her. She has to learn that you are serious and even though it is tough to discipline you have to be strong and show her that you are the parent and she is the child.

Good luck!

Hi,
I recommend a book called the Portable Pediatrician (about $17 off of amazon). It gives great advice on both specifics (what to say when) but also on what our goals as parents need to be. I read it when I feel like I'm at the end of my rope, and it always gives me direction and hope. (Yes, it sounds like the Bible...) I give it to everyone as a shower gift now. (If you're near Madison, NJ, I've got 2 copies waiting to be gifted!) It is divided by age groups to age 5, and has general health stuff as well as parenting helps. It's really worth reading, and won't give you a guilt trip -- the author has been there, done that, and really cares about readers and families.