Concerned About My Neighbor Who Recently Lost His Wife.

What a kind thoughtful person you are!

Just a thought... When my friend's husband died, I read a book on "grieving the loss of a spouse". I later gave the book to her but I think it touched her that I was trying to understand her grief. It also gives helpful tips on what not to say and how you can actually help.
(I have read probably 15 different books on grieving the death of a spouse, child, sibling. Some books are better than others but the ones I got the most out of were the ones where grieving people actually told their own experiences)

Hospitals have bereavement or grief groups that are open to anyone. The person who died doesn't have to have been in the hospital for the person grieving to go to the support group.

Hi N.!

That is wonderful that you would take time to feed this man to make sure he gets good nutrition. I would also encourage you to take it a step further to have him into your home for dinner. Talk with your husband about what might be reasonable/manageable for your family. That could be once a week or several times a week. Try to choose something that will be sustainable for over several months, and then this can give your neighbor something to look forward to: i.e.- He knows he's coming to dinner at your house every Sunday night or every Tuesday and Thursday night. This will give him something to look forward to. He definitely needs good nutrition, and you are doing an AWESOME job helping him in that area. He also needs time around people to help ease the loneliness and to help him get outside of his own, private thoughts. Interacting with people on a regular basis will be very helpful and healthy for him.

Thanks for taking the time to care for this man as he grieves and to ask such a thoughtful question. That is encouraging for me to read!

God's Grace to you,

Lisa :)

I think its great that you have so much compassion for him. And feeding him is an awesome idea! And just by stopping by, you will be helping him immensely by showing that somewhere cares about him. That is so crucial right now. Unfortunately I have alot of experience with loss. And the common problem being after a few weeks people get back to their normal lives, and overlook that someone is still grieving very hard and needs support. ALOT.
Stop by, send the meals. Invite him to your home for dinner once in awhile. He needs to get out of that house! And keep it up! And if he does try to talk with you, just lend a sympathetic ear. tell him although you may not understand his pain that you are always willing to listen. My heart goes out to him! And again, I think you are great for what you are doing. We should all learn from your example. We need more compassion in this world!

You are truly a sensitive and insightful women/mom and neighbor to take the time to notice your neighbors decline.

I think your cooking efforts will help immensely with his lack of nutrition. Just a classic sign of depression - lack of self care. If that becomes too much, you might want to enlist the help of another neighbor to drop off meals too. In my last neighborhood there were 2 widowers and through email we all signed up to drop off dinner. We would sign up for a couple months out and receive a reminder email. But since you love to cook already, this sounds like something you and your child can handle together. You're teaching your 6 yr. old such community compassion.

In regards to his mental health, there are numerous bereavement groups available in many places: churches, community centers, retirement centers, public libraries, etc. You don't have to be religious to join a church grief support group. But that is where I would recommend starting as having a spiritual perspective is ever so helpful and healing. You might want to consider contacting a couple choices, one large, local church and your library, then print off the meeting dates, times and places for him. It might take him a couple of weeks to come around, but you will have planted a seed of hope for him.

Happy New Year and wouldn't the world be a better place if there were more neighbors like you???

You are a very sweet person to reach out to help your neighbor. When I lost my dad suddenly (he had a heart attack at 66) I was told I went into shock. I lost over 20 lbs (and I am small to begin with) and just could not function. A friend of mine heard of a local support group that helps children and families. It was run through Hospice of the Valley in Arizona. I am not sure what is out here, as I am new to TX, but if you want I am sure if you called Hospice of the Valley and told them you needed a recommendation out here they would point you in the right direction. Also, if you belong to a church you could probably contact them and they may have information. The hardest part will be to get him to go and seek the help. You may have to go with him or find someone to go with him. My friend contacted them and had them call me. I spent several hours on the phone with the counselors before actually going. I just could not pull myself together to go. With their guidance and understanding I went. It really really helped. Again, you may have to do some leg work to help, but it sounds like you are willing.

All the best to you!

I would suggest inviting him to dine with you rather than just taking him food. You might also involve other neighbors to help you (like you would if someone in the neighborhood had a baby). He would really benefit from a church with a grief counseling group, but all you can do is suggest it. I had to go with the person I was encouraging to attend grief counseling to get them started. You are really making a difference in his life by just showing you care!

You are being such a wonderful friend and neighbor to him. You are validating his loss with your care and attention to him. Having that validation is so powerful during the grieving process. Often after the loss of a loved one, people get a lot of attention the first few weeks from everyone, but then everyone starts to move on with their own lives leaving the grieving person alone during the adjustment process. Your family's attention to him is letting him know that he is not alone, and that is such a powerful thing during the grieving process, so you are helping him with the psychological aspects - more than you realize. I so commend you and your family for the kindness that you are showing him.

There is a grief support group at The Hills Church of Christ (http://www.thehills.org/index.cfm/PageID/1532/index.html). I hear it is very good. I would give the info to your neighbor, and then let him decide what he wants to do with it. He may or may not want to seek out that type of support. All you can do is equip him with info, he must make the decision of what he wants to do with it.

No matter what, know that you are truly being a blessing to this man. Kudos to you!!

try googling bereavement and "support group" and your zip code.
also, if you know if he has a religious affiliation,
perhaps you could speak to a clergy person of that group.
How thoughtful of you to bring food to your neighbor.
Wishing you and your family a very healthy and joyful New Year.

You are a very good and caring neighbor.
Did his wife receive any type of home care while she was ill. Sometimes those agencies have bereavement groups or can provide resources. I am sorry to hear that someone is alone and trying to cope with the loss of a loved one.........he is very blessed to have your family as neighbors.

What a wonderful neighbor you are! I agree with asking him over to dinner, having your husband just talk to him about day to day life and sending him a plate if he won't come to dinner. I don't know if he is active in church, but there is a great church in Arlington that is nondenominational (Pantego Bible Church). I watched this church minister to my dear friend who was dying (at 32 with a 2 year old and 6 year old). They were absolutely amazing and I really don't think they would care if he was a member there or not. You have been such a blessing to him. I pray that more wonderful people reach out to him during this time! http://www.pantego.org/

Just saw in the paper that Huguley Hospital in South Ft Worth/Burleson was starting a grief recovery group. You could call there and get information about that group or call some of the local hospitals and see if they have programs scheduled. Many churches also offer that kind of support. That is very nice that you want to help your neighbor. He probably does need some help adjusting to his loss and learning how to cope with his life. I am sure that the first holidays without his wife were were difficult for him.

Invite him for dinner every other week. Send you husband over to chat with him. The guy needs company very much and might have trouble asking for people to include him in their lives.
When you see his children talk to them about family get togethers. Ask if he has brothers and sisters. See if his family can reach out to him. Protestants often have few death rituals and are very standoffish about pressuring anyone.
If your family goes to movies ask your neighbor if he'd join you.

Many churches offer bereavement support groups - I attended one last year after losing my mother. Most people in the group were members of my church, but it was not mandatory. I found the group to be extremely helpful in helping me sort out my feelings. Just having someone to talk to who understood the grieving process was most beneficial. Your neighbor's loss is still very fresh, and the holidays are an especially difficult time. The one thing I learned at my support group is that there is no timetable for grief, although there are very distinct stages that most people go through. Your neighbor probably feels like the rug has been pulled out from under him - the future he envisioned with his wife is now irrevocably altered, and he needs time to come to terms with that. A support group for bereaved spouses could help him tremendously. You are so kind to want to help him. Most people don't know what to say or do in these situations, and even if they are well-meaning, they stay away because they are uncomfortable. Continue to be there for him, with the meals, and also a shoulder to cry on, and encourage him to find a local support group where he can find understanding and meet others who are going through or have gone through a similar situation. What a wonderful friend and neighbor you are...everyone should be so lucky!

You are so kind to help him. Just listening is helpful to him. Most hospitals and some churches offer grief support groups. Here is one link I found, assuming you lived in Dallas/Ft. Worth:
http://www.vitas.com/texas/Services/LearnAboutHospice/Ber...

Grief Share is a national organization that offers support groups through churches. They train the leaders so there is consistency among the groups. Here is their website to read more and so you can find out if there is a group nearby. Our church back in Washington offered this and I heard many good things.

http://www.griefshare.org/

You also might contact a local hospital to find a list of therapists who specialize in grief. If he is admitting that he is not doing well, then perhaps he needs more professional, one-to-one counseling. Many insurance companies now cover a certain number of therapy appointments per year. Talk with him more directly about these options. Search online while he is at your home so he can see the different options. Since he told you that he is struggling, he won't feel you are intruding. Sometimes people grieving need someone to tell them more directly what to do---they are almost paralyzed. God bless you as you reach out to help him---you are such a good neighbor.

When my uncle died, my aunt and him had known each other their entire lives and became boyfriend/girlfriend at 14 and never separated. Right when the last of their 3 children was to graduate high school and go to college, he suddenly died from cancer with no more than 28 days notice and she was left devastated.

About a year later I was visiting her and at dinner the subject came up about how she was handling everything. Her comment was that she felt like she couldn't breath for well over 6 months and could not cope with anything. She said the only thing that saved her was to stay busy and not sit around the house that he built for her. They were in a very small remote town that had no support groups or resources available unless she wanted to drive an hour away.

Ultimately, she said at around 8 months or so, the weight on her chest just lifted. She said the sadness for her loss has never gone away but she was able to move on.

I think you are awesome to bring him food and care for him. He is in such a sad place right now. I would give him some names and numbers of support groups and just do what you are doing. The only thing that he needs is time.

Good luck!

I just want to say how wonderful It is that you have stepped in to help your neighbor! My husband of 22 years died in October just over two years ago so I know how very special it is to have a caring person like you around at a time like this, especially when there isn't much in the way of family to help. Thank you for having such a big heart.

I think your idea of a support group is a good one, from what you have said a non religiously based one that will give him a chance to talk about his loss, learn that he is not alone in his loss, and involve him in some activities. Men tend to make friends by doing things - sports, working out, building stuff, etc. while we women make friends by talking (the guys talk they just have to have some activity going on to make talk okay) so maybe through a support group he will come into contact with people to engage in activities with. Good luck with this, his loss is still pretty fresh, I know that I was still swinging back and forth between numb tea timers most of the time at that point, and my husband died after a long illness so I knew it was coming and thought I was prepared.

I also love that you are taking food to him, that is very thoughtful. I would suggest that you may want to keep this to two or three times a week (plus sharing baked goodies). The long-term goal is to have him back on his feet functioning self sufficiently. Someone needs to introduce him to the wonderful world of frozen meals. Marie, Stoffer, Healthy Choice, Smart Ones, Lean Cusine, etc put out an incredible array a meals today that are tasty, take only minutes to prepare, and clean up means washing the fork and throwing everything else out. What I'm trying to say is it is really sad to cook for one and it is easy to come up with excuses not to do it, but with a good selection of today's frozen meals in the freezer those exceeds just don't work.

Beas wishes, I hope everything goes well!

there are grief support groups and the holidays are the worst instead of taking dinner to him invite him over nightly for dinner if he declines then send him a plate. its probably more lonliness than depression. if he wants to talk to you about his wife listen when he comes over for dinner. if not dont bring it up. check with hospice for support groups.

Several years ago I came home & found my husband dead from a heart attack. It was devestating & almost killed me. I waited too long to get professional help. One thing I did that saved me was doing the greif recovery program that The Greif Recovery Institute has. I did it with a counselor & them with a small group. They have a book called The Grief Recovery Handbook by John James which is the best one I've ever seen. It literally walks you through & shows you what to do & how to recover from any kind of loss. Please feel free to call me or have him call me. T. O'Connor ###-###-####