Competive Gift Buying in Blended Families

I probably have an unusual perspective on this. My Mom divorced my Dad when I was 10. When I was growing up she became slowly disabled and lived far away. She too couldn't "keep up" with the nicer items my Dad could give me but would send what she could afford and thought I would enjoy. My father never filtered it and I am so grateful for that . She did what she could to show she loved me in the only ways she could. Now 40 plus years later, they are both gone and while I have some nicer, expensive things my father gave me, I also have the cup, the ceramic duck and the visor she gave me as well. They represent her love.
You have a unique position to teach these kids compassion, values and grace. Please choose carefully what you do and say.

First of all birth and step parents should never compete against each other. Sounds like she is trying to make up for lost time with her children and probably doesn't have much money to spend if she is still in recovery from her addiction.

Always try to be kind when dealing with their birth mother because they (the children) are watching and hearing everything you do and say. It's not easy being a step parent, but I have found being kind works better, maybe give her a note with what sizes the kids wear, favorite colors, characters, etc..

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My ex-SIL had a horrible divorce. It wasn't like your step-kids' bio mom's situation; my ex-SIL did not have any addiction or mental health issues, but she was the victim of a cruel and manipulative man who orchestrated a divorce where she lost everything, even custody of her children. The evil man married the teenage babysitter, who viewed herself as the guardian angel/rescuer/goddess who would raise these children as her own. If I hadn't witnessed it, I would not have believed it. He kicked my ex-SIL out of their house, made up outrageous (but very plausible and well-rehearsed and smoothly delivered) accusations. I think if he had told the judge that the sky was green, he could have done it in such a way that the judge just might have thought "hmmm, perhaps I have been misled all this time and the sky actually is green".

It broke my ex-SIL's heart. She had no money, no home, and at Christmas my dh and I would buy stocking stuffers that she could give to her kids (we lived far away from her so I couldn't just take her shopping). She watched this new wife happily buying clothes and toys for the children and cried because she could just barely afford something from Goodwill. (Her sisters and my dh and I pitched in to help her get food and an apartment).

It broke her heart again to see them wearing things that her ex and the new wife bought them, which were always extravagant. She'd say "have you worn that sweater that I got for you (at Goodwill)?" and they'd say "no, [new wife] took us to the mall and got us all new outfits at Macy's, and new iPhone cases and these awesome boots". They didn't realize how deeply that hurt her and how she longed to buy them things, and take them out for ice cream, and just make supper for them or breakfast, and wave to them as they got on the school bus, but instead of a tantrum, she told them how cute they looked, and then cried herself to sleep at night. It took every ounce of control that she had.

Sometimes, we'd send her fifty dollars for groceries, and we'd find out that she went hungry and instead spent the money on cheap useless things for the kids, like flip flops, small pads of paper, anything just to feel like she was connecting with them. It gave her joy to give them something, because, as she told me, she couldn't give them hugs at night, couldn't give them a warm meal, couldn't give them her time, because those little things that we moms often take for granted had been taken from her. Your kids' bio-mom may be feeling responsible or guilty because she knows that her addictions and actions caused her losses.

So I'm just saying, perhaps this bio-mom just doesn't know how to connect, and feels like giving her kids things, even if they're the wrong size or they're not needed, that she's done something that any mother would: buy clothes for her kids.

So maybe you can guide her bio-kids into a different kind of exchange with her. Rather than dollar store clothes that don't fit, maybe they could get into exchanging drawings or sketches. Have the bio-kids make her some artwork or color her a picture, and ask her to draw them something for next time. It will perhaps help her feel that connection without purchasing junky stuff or ill-fitting stuff. Maybe instead of buying stuff, she'll draw them something. Maybe another type of craft might be better (pipe cleaner flowers, etc). In other words, gently and subtly guide the exchanges so they consist of fewer ill-fitting clothes, and more meaningful expressions. They could even write a story together. During each visitation they could each work on just one paragraph, and save the next paragraph until the next visitation. Or they could take turns writing one line of a poem. The kids write one, the bio-mom writes one, etc.

My ex-SIL was very aware of how her kids' lives were passing her by, and it somehow gave her comfort to know that a cheap piece of clothing that she gave to them was in their dresser drawer. She knew it was cheap and probably didn't fit, but all around her she'd hear other moms, in line at the bank, or at the grocery store, complaining "oh, I've got to take little Genevieve shopping AGAIN. That girl is growing so tall her pants just look ridiculous" and my ex-SIL would sob herself to sleep, knowing that she couldn't do that, and how desperately she wanted to do the normal mom things. She didn't want to take them to Disneyland or buy them a pony. She wanted to make them a grilled cheese sandwich after school. She wanted to see their school supply lists and join all the other moms in Walmart, buying pink erasers and 24 #2 pencils. Hey, maybe you could give her a portion of the school supply lists, like the ordinary crayons and boxes of tissues, and ask her to provide some of that. You can take the kids for the more personal items like backpacks, binders, folders, etc, but really, crayons are crayons, and the tissue boxes will get thrown in with all the others in the supply closet, so if she buys purple tissues in a dented box, who cares? And you could perhaps have your husband tell her that the kids need _____ (new pencils, shoelaces, pony tail holders) and next time she wants to buy them something, that would be a good suggestion.

This is just off the top of my head, having seen it from the perspective of a close relative of someone who lost custody of her children.

Can you be kind enough to try to put yourself in her shoes? If the clothes don't fit, don't send them back. Just say "It was a little big for now so I set it aside..."

I know she has addiction issues and it sounds like she's trying to do what she can on a limited income. My family was poor growing up and we often shopped at the Goodwill or wore hand-me-downs. (I still shop there, by the way, sometimes.) We are fortunate that my sister has four boys and I used to be a nanny, so we received a ton of boy's clothes from those families. Some are 'grubbies' or wear for digging holes in the backyard sort of things. Others are nicer.

One thing you need to consider is that these gifts aren't for *you*. She's trying her best and doing what she can right now for her kids. So, do your best not to rain on their parade. A silly, too-big tee shirt can be worn for bedtime. We did that when some friends gave Kiddo a pretty crazy rock band tee with a skull about 3 sizes too big. What mattered was that our son liked it and so the compromise was "not appropriate for school or going out, but definitely perfect for at home". I'd also say that maybe YOU are projecting your feelings about the clothes onto others? Just a thought. Most of the time when I am chagrined that Kiddo's hair is messy and his shirt has a stain-- *no one else actually cares*. Just me. Something to consider.

ETA: well, I'm assuming you didn't dress the 6 year old in the size 3T? Just use your common sense, have some compassion for this very drug-addled woman and her kids. It must stink to have a mom who is so out to lunch that even when she tries, she messes up.

I should also add- referring to your title, this is NOT competitive gift buying. That's when the in-laws get something expensive and outrageous that you've already told them you don't need or feel a need to 'outdo' you. Please, this is a time for compassion. She's doing what she can for right now without much in the way of resources or real common sense. She may have brain damage due to excessive drug use. Who knows? This is only one part of being a stepparent-- the ex is going to challenge you to take some high roads and be the more mature person in the equation.

what do the kids want to wear?
i'm guessing it's the stuff that fits.
you can really back off turning this into a battle. defuse the drama.
the bio mom clearly is terribly, terribly guilt-ridden and conflicted about having another woman raise her kids. i'm sure she's an enormous PITA but have a little compassion. you may think no one can tell you're grinning and bearing it, but the kids and the mom are certainly aware of all the inner eye-rolling.
don't encourage or discourage the kids. let them wear what they want. then you're not the culprit it the mom throws a tantrum. if she guilt-trips the kids, well, that's a pity, but you're not the boss of their relationship.
think carefully about just how much you want 'how you get looked at' to affect a very real and important dynamic in your household. if someone looks down their nose at you for 'allowing' your stepchild to wear the clothes purchased for her by her mother, does that REALLY affect you more than how you're making the kids and the bio-mom feel?
can't you have an actual conversation with her about makeup instead of just vetoing it?
what does their dad think about that?
and it's kind of mean to just bag her heartfelt but pitiful gifts and send them back. why do you need to do that?
step back.
there's no way this isn't going to be a difficult ride. you don't have to keep the energy all crinkly and staticky by asserting your authority everywhere.
khairete
S.

Please don't bag up gifts and send them back to the giver. That is so (I'm sorry) tacky and unkind. Teach the children to say thank you and accept the items graciously. If the bio mom asks why they aren't wearing the clothing they can just tell her the truth, we liked the present mom but it didn't fit. She sounds like she's still kind of a mess but at least she's trying.
As far as the makeup why not let the kids at least PLAY with it? My kids loved using makeup and face paint as a part of their dress up/pretend play, whether they were being princesses, fairies, wild animals or superheroes. It's fun and creative, let them enjoy that!
Finally, don't ever think twice about what other people think, that's a recipe for a life of insecurity, self doubt and unhappiness.

Don't send them back, just donate what does not fit or things they don't like. The things they do like do your best to patch up and make them look nice. Do your best to make bio mom feel included and not replaced, it should never be a competition , you both love those kids.

I'm in a blended family. You buy the kids what you want. If they don't want to wear moms clothes she buys them you DO NOT send them back to her in a bag. You tell the kids to throw everything they don't want in a bag for Goodwill and THEY get rid of them without you telling them. You don't need to encourage them to wear her clothes. She won't even know. If they wear something else when they see her then you just tell them to say, I like what I'm wearing. There's nothing she can argue with. Or they can say, what you bought me doesn't fit, or it ripped, or I didn't like it, etc. Maybe tell the mom next time there's a bday instead of clothing get them something in her price range you know they will like. Heck, a $10 gift card to McD's or whatever. Email her with some ideas. Help her out since it seems she's not very good at being a mom. Nothing bad can come from you actually trying to help their relationship instead of hurt it.

This is a good opportunity to explain to the kids the difference in your choices. My current husband works extremely hard and provides for me and my kids we live comfortably. My ex does not. He currently owes me over 34k in child support. He lives in a run down trailer park with his dad and wife. It's awful and the kids hate going over there. But I tell them, your dad has made decisions to not work so the consequence of that is living how he does. So this is why you need to work hard so you can live well and have a happy life.

And just so you know, the kids will see on their own when they are older the truth of how BOTH of their parents and step parents are. Make sure you are doing everything you can to nurture their relationship. JMO. Good luck.

I totally get where you're coming from. With the bio mother clearly struggling in so many areas of life, it seems a shame that she would waste what few resources she has on clothes that the kids don't like and don't fit into. In your head (and mine) it would be a kindness to return the unusable items so that she could return them and get her money back or buy something else they need. However, it probably feels like rejection to her. My SD's mother found the clothing my husband and I dressed her in (normal, cute, age-appropriate, basic clothing like jeans, khakis, t-shirts and sweaters from Old Navy, Target, Children's Place or Gap) "preppy and uppity."

For the stuff that's too small, I think your husband needs to have a talk with her and tell her what sizes they are and ask her if she wants him to return them to her or give them away. For the stuff that fits, encourage the kids to wear those clothes when they see her, or take a picture of them in it and send it to her with a thank-you message. It's a small kindness to her to have them wear the clothes so that she can see them in them, similar to how you would humor a relative who sends hideous outfits.

For stuff like this, have your husband be the middle man. You are her replacement, you have her children, you're clearly in a better place in life than she is, and she's bitter about it (even though she's where she is by her own choice and the kids are really the ones paying the price, it does suck to be her). Anything you say or do will be interpreted in a negative light, will pour salt in her wounds, and will add unnecessary drama. Have him be the bad guy.

You don't need to send the clothes back to bio mom. I don't understand your purpose in doing that. I'm sure that would feel like a slap in the face to bio mom. Just give the clothing to the kids and let them wear them or not, as long as they are appropriate. Bio mom won't know what they are wearing on a daily basis.

As far as spending money to purchase clothing for your step kids: you need to do it, regardless of what bio mom does or does not do.

My family and my husband's family tend to be very different in their approach to presents - price wise and just different styles. We don't say a whole lot to the kids. We try to teach them to be grateful and say thank you no matter what they truly think of the gifts (though this is really hard with our special needs son). We also explain to them (again and again) that people give different gifts and we're not always going to like them or be able to use them but we still need to appreciate the fact that they tried!

My MIL's gift giving is either hit or miss. I mean sometimes she really hits it out of the park. Other times you just don't know what to say. This year for Christmas she bought her two sons and her SIL a set of (really cheep) BBQ utensils. Nice idea ... if they didn't all already own really nice ones!

I think the best thing you can do is oooh and ahhhh and be happy with the kids as they receive their presents. Encourage them to be grateful and say thank you. If there are things that are no longer in good condition, toss them. If they are too big, put them aside for later. If they are too small but still in good condition, give them to Goodwill.

Do not bag them and send them back to Mom. That's just going to upset her. How would you feel?

If it would mean a lot to their mom to see them wearing the clothes she got them, why not encourage them to wear those clothes on visits?

You mention that you try to buy the children similar priced items. I don't. I don't even pretend to try. I do, however, try to make sure they have enough of what they need and some of what they want. My youngest is easy to please. He wears jeans and tshirts. My big challenge with him is that he gets holes in his jeans way too fast! My oldest wants to wear Nike and Under Armor, so he's more expensive. But if I buy him a $50 sweatshirt, I feel absolutely no obligation to by my other son a $50 sweatshirt. As long as the youngest is happy, why waste the money?

Absolutely you want all of your kids to wear clothes that fit and feel right to them. But you don't need to make a big deal about the presents she gets wrong. Maybe make a big deal about the ones she gets right? Mention how much Suzy just loves her new, pink socks? Praise goes a long way!

I think you should try to take the "addicted ex" emotion out of this situation and see this as a perfect teaching moment with respect to manners. Teach the kids how to accept gifts. Anytime any person receives a gift, it should be done with a smile and thank you. It should never be returned to the giver. That is quite rude. I'm not saying they have to wear the item. This is their decision, and if they don't want it, they can give it away or, if there are tags, exchange it. But bagging it and sending it back? No. Oh, and if they DO want it, no matter how tacky you think it is, you let them keep it.

If the gift is clothes that don't fit, you can teach your kids to say "It was a little small, so I exchanged it for something similar that fit. But thank you for giving it to me." If it's makeup, they can say "Craftymomma is keeping it for me until I'm a little older before I wear it. I can't wait."

Do you give her yearly school pictures?

I wonder if you could write the year and sizes on the back?

Or maybe have the kids write it ?

I agree with the other moms not to send it back, and to also have the children learn to speak up to her and tell her the things don't fit.

Twenty years from now they may realize the 3T that didn't fit was just really bio mom's attempt to connect with them. And they will also see how much effort you put into caring for them and teaching them acceptance of others' limited abilities.

I think you need to also have this conversation with their father and have him be the person to handle it with her and the kids. If she is recently back in their lives, then he can say, "By the way, Josh is a size 7 now. I can't believe how much he's grown. If you aren't sure about a size or style, you can give me a gift receipt." He may also need to run interference between her and the kids by saying, "I know you mean well, but you haven't been around and they really have different interests/tastes." and "More than anything, they really just want (<-- if this is true) Mom Time. You don't need to buy things." Goodwill items often can't be returned, but you can rehome them and simply say, "Sorry, it didn't fit." If you are the one sending them back, then consider her ex being the one instead. Let him deal with her. Let him explain to her what they need. Maybe it will come off better. Maybe she will accept the information. It sounds to me like she doesn't know her kids well (how sad) and doesn't know what to do with/for them. To me, I think she's trying but doesn't have the means to buy things new (we often shop at thrift stores) and maybe just needs a nudge.

I'm not making excuses for her not being around, but it's apples to pineapples for you to compare your life (presumably without addiction) and hers. I came to understand that my sks' mom (who I believe abuses alcohol and is mentally unstable) never knew a way to display love other than via things and she held that love hostage. Do things her way or else. What a sad way to be. I tried to be supportive of the kids - I knew they took the things but what they wanted was her time, attention and unreserved love - which was not possible for her. That behavior persists to adulthood.

By the way, we NEVER got CS. My DH didn't pursue it, figuring he could handle the kids and what he really wanted was primary custody. IMO, that's a fight you need to let go if he won't go for it. I'd focus more on the kids' mental health. They may need to speak to a counselor about the re-emergence of their mother in their lives and how her behavior affects them.

If you think about it as a gift - then you treat it like any other gift. You don't return them. You just say thank you. And if the kids like wearing them, you let them.

If she's trying to help out and this is going to be a regular thing and she just doesn't get sizing, can your husband just not tell her "We appreciate your help ... the kids are wearing .. and we're even going up a size so they can grow into them."

She may just want to help. It depends on the person. But I'd probably go that route. I did with my MIL and now it's much better.

"I grin and bare it" so you smile while you strip the clothes off the kids?

I am with Elaine, teach them to appreciate that she is doing her best and loves them.

Well, you are well off and she is poor. She can't afford to compete with you. So you win.

She feels bad her things aren't liked and she probably sacrificed to buy the items. I'd tell the kids that compassion is an admirable trait and that wearing the clothes she bought when they go see her will make her feel part of their lives and like she's important to them.

They'll also learn a life long lesson on how to treat those less fortunate.

My mother in law knows I like green. Pretty green, okay? Not yellowy dark green that's ugly and I am not fond of yellow in any way.

So, my mother in law buys me this peasant skirt/tee shirt top outfit that is HORIZONTAL stripes that are about a foot from top to bottom. Yellow in the middle of 3 stripes...GOD AWFUL!!!! With yellow sequins on the chest making a flower design.

I felt horrible when I wore that outfit. But I wore it often when I was going to see her. I wore it out to eat, to thrift stores, to her house for holidays. I never ever ever ever wore it anywhere else, I was so ashamed to be seen in it. But I was respectful to her and wanted her to know how much I appreciated her thinking of me and working to find something green for me.

I think your step kids need to learn that wearing something to make someone else happy is a compassionate and nice thing to do. It doesn't cost them anything and helps them learn humility and kindness.

Thank you so much all. I really appreciate all the feedback. In regards to sending the clothing back we have tried several methods prior, as of late she pulls the tags off and "demands" the children to put them on in the near by bathroom. This has been causing tears and trauma. I really don't try to keep up with the Jones' but for example going to school clearly there are major differences in my childrens' outward appearances. So, much so that my step children have become targets at school and have been cutting their clothes. They wear the clothes because they have a huge heart and do not want to hurt anyone.

I would not send the clothes back that did not fit, I would find a place or person who could use them.

The mom is a "bit" out of touch but she is trying in her own way to say she loves them. Have your husband talk to her about the sizes of the children and so she can get the correct size.

It is hard to be the one who is caring for children and then the mom comes in with things that are not quite right. You have to step back and let her do her own thing and know that it will be ok. The children will make their own decisions about mom in the future. Do not let your feelings show when you speak of her but do so in a nice pleasant manner.

Good luck to you.

the other S.

PS Perception by someone else is just that someone else. Don't let the Joneses make you do things you can or can't do to please the world. Do what you can and move on.

Elaine - cyber hug to you. Perfect response. Please reread her words of wisdom.

If mom is buying clothes that are too small, maybe before tags are taken off someone can ask her if she would mind exchanging them for whichever size they currently wear. If they are too big, set aside for them to grow into.

Who do you feel is looking at you as if you give them the short end of the stick? If the kids are wearing decent clothing I can't image that is the case. Unless you are dressing a 10 year old like a toddler.