Hand-me-downs Vs. New Clothes for School

really? I see no problem if you are getting good clothes for free. Clothes are clothes, no matter how much you spend on them! And if you have full custody, then it's not really up to her how much you spend. If SHE has full custody, then that is what your husband is paying child support for. Just tell her that she can take the used stuff or leave it, but you are not going to spend that much on one kid when you have 5 (4?)other kids to take care of.

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I wouldn't say anything. The clothes you're getting are new to her, so I would let her think they're new! If she says anything, tell her you get these wonderful, nearly-new clothes from a friend, and anyone who didn't want to use them would be stupid for turning it down. NO, you're not cheating anyone by not getting brand new clothes. I would get a few things here and there the child may really like, but many of us and our kids wear hand-me-downs! I used to love getting hand-me-downs from one friend of my mom because she had 3 older girls and they bought top-of-the-line designer stuff all the time. Those were the best clothes! If the bio mom wants $150 spent on her kid's clothes -tell her to have at it. The dad can give her $150 as part of child support, but I wouldn't go out and purchase new clothes when you have great ones for free.

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so why doesn't the mom just spend $150 on her own kid?
you sound sensible and thrifty to me.
khairete
S.

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I LOVE getting hand me downs! , my youngest daughter has her winter & next summer wardrobe already complete (except for Winter coat) thanks to hand me downs from her elder sister and friends who have daughters aswell. They are not being cheated by having hand me downs , especially if it means you have some extra cash for days out etc. If the bio mom wants her to have "brand new" clothes from the store then why doesn't she buy it herself? If she won't buy it then she can't be that worried about her having lightly used clothes can she.

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Well, unless there is a Court Order Ordering you to go to the store and spend $150...ignore her and tell your hubby to make her shut up. Also... figure out $150 worth of 'hand me down' clothes that you have and say 'here you go, $150 spent on clothes for school' LOL none of her business who spent the money. My kids ALWAYS get hand me downs or garage sale clothes for school and summer. I just 'shop' outside of their school distric so that I don't run into any of thier classmates. My hubby's ex-wife thinks her kids only deserve the best and I say she can go buy them, but my kids were second hand clothes as do I and my husband...her kids can too. I would rather have good food to eat, a dependable van, and a roof over my head than brand new name brand clothes from the mall. We buy our brand name clothes at the outlet mall cheaper than Walmart prices.
Good for you for thinking outside the norm of brand new brand name. As long as you are treating all of the kids the same forget her and her demands. Its non of her business...and I tell my step-kids all the time when they want to know where I bought something or how much it cost (b/c I know they are running to their mom to tell her) Its non of your business. Best of Luck

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There's nothing wrong with hand me downs for school. No you are not "cheating" the kids. You are being a responsible parent and saving money for where it's needed most. However, I do think it's nice for a child to be able to get a couple of new articles for school.

If bio mom thinks $150 should be spent, then she should take the $150 out of her own funds and take her daughter shopping. Simply tell her, I have perfectly good clothing for her, if you want to treat her to something special, that's your decision and I support it.

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Be honest with her, you can't or should afford that money with 5 kids (being fair that mean spend $150 on the other 4 which will be $750!).
Tell her you get very nice use clothes and that you are not making her daughter use something bad or that the girl wouldn't use.
If she feel gross out about it then she can pay for the difference that you would probably will spend for use clothes.
Don't fight with her, this is simple "Here is what I can offer, if you can afford more please be welcome"

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I think that "hand-me-downs" are awesome and I'll tell you why.
My kids got so many clothes not just from me but from grandmas and grandpas and aunties....they grew out of them before they ever wore them out. That went for shoes as well. I had stuff that still had the tags on because things were sent that were too small and we tried yard selling them with not much luck. Classic example: My son was given a brand new coat that was too small purchased at a store hours away from us and rather than go through the hassle of trying to return it, we thought we'd sell it. A $30 jacket and no one would give us $5 for it. So....we gave it away to a little boy whose mom was struggling.
My son never got hand-me-downs because he was bigger than many of his friends and my nephew did give him things but we had to put them away and wait for him to grow into them.
I have a best friend whose husband threw FITS over their son ONLY having brand new expensive stuff and she was like, "Where are we going to get the money for that?" She told him that I had a bunch of clothes to give them and he was absolutely against his son getting someone else's cast-off's. They had a huge fight over it.
I took the stuff over and showed him and he was singing a different tune.
You couldn't tell the clothes and shoes had ever been worn let alone be all thrashed up.
They did buy their son some new things, the usual underwear and socks and a couple other things. Guess which clothes the boy insisted on wearing the first day of school? Stuff my son had given him. He had his school pictures taken in clothes my son had given him. It's been that way every year for years now.
In my opinion, it's NOT cheating a kid by not spending money on all brand new clothing.
Where did the $150 amount come from? Just from bio mom? I don't know if you have the child part of the week where you dress her for school, but if you do, how would bio mom know if the clothes were brand new or not?
For most of the kids I know, new to THEM means new, not necessarily it has to be new from a store.
Kids grow out of things so fast that I just don't see turning down good clothes because they aren't brand new.
Take the girl shopping along with your other kids. Find buy one/get one free packs of socks and underpants, etc.
I'm assuming your husband pays child support. Does mom want an extra $150 for clothes?
On one hand, $150 isn't much.....I mean....it can be spent in 10 minutes and what have you got to show for it?
But, I think it's silly to spend a bunch of money for back to school because 3 months later, kids need rain/snow boots, new coats and turtle necks.
As they grow and the seasons change, it never ends. I don't see any reason to turn down good clothing or give away good clothing so it can be used and worn.
That's just my opinion.
My step-son's mom was the same way. She always had a list and her kid had to have a $120 jacket, $150 shoes, he had to have jeans that were $75, each, he would wear Hane's underwear but NOT if she knew it came from K-Mart on sale. It was ridiculous.
It stopped when my husband told her to buy it and he would pay her back for half.
It was just a control thing.
Get each kid something brand new for the first day of school and supplement the rest with good hand-me-downs.
Lots and lots and lots of parents do that with no harm to their children.

Best wishes!

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I think if she is young uner age 9-10 and into a lot of playing at school and home I think your idea is fine Mom. As she gets older though about 10+ she will need some new clothes for school. Girls at this age, tweens and teens are very aware and more particular about their clothing, they won't want to wear all hand me downs, its not cool. Who has primary custody of your step daughter? If her bio-Mom, one thing I don't undertstand is why her Mom doesnt use her child support $ for new clothes for the girl though? I assume your husband is paying child support on a regular basis? If so your husband needs to tell her that is what child support $ is for. I would not get in the middle of this situation if I were you. Good luck.

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Just let her think you bought the clothes, unless she wants you to give her the money to buy clothes---that would be out of the question--how would you know that's what the money is going for? Are the clothes given by someone that the bio-mom knows and is embarrassed? You said Gymboree so I'm guessing the child is young and not a tween/teen, and a child should not dictate to a parent where to buy their clothes or whether or not to buy new clothes.

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when my kid was in school he got new socks underwear one pair of 15 to10 shoes and one new outfit. the rest were hand me downs. if she wants $150 spent on school clothes for her daughter then she can knock her self out. don't let her dictate you. if I had extra money he would get 2 new pairs of jeans and 2 shirts and a jacket. now if I did have the extra money he would get 5 pair of jeans and 5 shirts and a jacket socks underwear and a pair of shoes.

you are in no way cheating the kids you are teaching them to be thankful for what they have and teaching them money isn't everything. if she wants to be spoiled she can call mama. you can teach them to look like they have class even though you are not spending that much money on them. if you can come up with 5 new shirts on clearance for $2 a pop let her get 5. mom doesn't know how much you spend. spend the extra money on a back pack she really really wants instead. if you catch jeans on a real good sale like clearance and cheap im talking under $5 pair buy her 2 pair. but you have to do the same for all kids. if you can't afford to do the same for all of them do for none of them. restrict them to new shoes socks and underwear if that is all you can afford. but buy for all kids starting school.

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If they are in good condition, no fades or stains or rips, I see no problem with it. As a kid, we generally got a new pair of pants and a new pair of shoes and hand me down/garage sale everything else.

The only thing I can think of with the bio mom is to offer to buy it for her instead of giving money and then just get the like new used stuff to give her, maybe a few new things.

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I think it cheats kids to think that money buys happiness or makes you cool. Or that thrift is somehow unworthy or uncool. Look at where that thinking took our whole nation, for heaven's sake.

I grew up wearing hand-me-downs, and had better quality clothing than my family could otherwise afford. My daughter grew up wearing hand-me-downs and thrift shop clothing. I still wear mostly thrift-shop clothes, because I work for a non-profit that can't pay much. And I'm reasonably well-dressed. No drama, no trauma.

The mom's insistence on what you spend seems absurd on the surface, but I'll bet she may be hoping to find a measurable way to ensure that her daughter gets "her share" in your large family. It's a strange way to guarantee fairness, but I'll bet that's her reasoning.

Your request is a little confusing to me, because I would assume that there is already a court-ordered agreement about which parent provides what support for this child. I doubt that the mom has been granted the right to demand that you spend any particular amount on clothing, food, shelter, education, transportation, entertainment….

My ex paid little of the child support he agreed to, arguing that my husband and I spent the money on wild extravagances, or even just for food that the two of us would eat while "his" daughter ate crackers. Yeah, his $120/month allowed us to throw wild parties on yachts, right? And we fed her better if he didn't contribute anything to her upkeep. Nutty. But the argument persisted. There was that ongoing resentment that I was happy with another man. He didn't want his daughter to be happy, too, even if that just meant she was well cared for.

You might try having a casual conversation with the mom about fairness and your step-daughter's position in the family, and express your cheerful willingness to be sure her daughter gets her share. If it's helpful, mention some of the things you already do to see to the child's well-being, and ways that you appreciate her unique contributions to the blended family. Ask the mom if she has any other concerns or suggestions, and receive them warmly and seriously. You may even hear things that you could act on. It might assuage some of her worries, unless she's just determined to make your lives difficult. Some people are like that.

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My kids have tons of hand-me-downs and consignment store clothing. My older daughter has recently found some brand names that she really loves. She loves going to places like Plato's Closet with me because she knows she can get more clothing than if we went to the actual store and bought them new. I'm more willing to buy her more of something, when I can get 4 in the consignment store for the price of one new. My younger daughter then gets all her clothes and could care less. Sometimes I'll get them something new at Christmas just so they have something new, but they don't even seem to notice. Once my youngest daughter outgrows them, I bring them back to the consignment stores and/or give them to friends, if they're still in decent shape. There's nothing wrong with being frugal and your daughter's bio-mom has no right to tell you how to spend your money.

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Hi H.,

I see you've gotten alot of responses here and i agree with all of them.

1. unless the custody agreement states the $150 for back to school clothes you don't have to do it.... and is she planning on spending the same? or depending on you for all of it.

2. hand me downs are great. kids grow so fast it's not worth it to buy new clothes all the time. and depending on their age and their activities, they are sloppy and messy and will stain the clothes anyways. and for september it's still fairly warm that they can wear their summer clothes still, with just a sweatshirt for the cool mornings... this way you can hit all the clearance sales at the end of sept.

My daughter loves that she gets clothes from her older cousins... and always so proud to say "this was xxx's, she's my cousin" etc.

3. they key to talking to her about it not to be defensive or confrontational, and maybe should come from your husband if she's not responsive to you. conversations should be something like. "For back to school, here's what *our* plan is for the *children*..... and state what you are doing. ie. we *get* each child a pair of sneakers, back pack/lunchbox and 2 outfits. then as the school year goes on we supplement with additional clothing and they grow. If you'd like to buy anything additional that is up to you."

and end the conversation. don't let it go back and forth, don't phrase it as a question, don't ask her any questions. don't state any dollar amount etc. the key words here are "our children", so that you are grouping all 5 kids together, treating them equal. and "Get", you didn't specifically say buy, or New..... so it's up to you to source where you get it from.

she doesn't have to know that you went to walmart for Granimals at $5 each vs. Gymboree for $20 each, or gymboree handmedown.

4. another strategy (it's not going to help you immediately, but in the long run it will). is hit all the clearance racks and buy 1 size larger and save it for next year. so next year, they will be new and have tags on them, but you bought them for $3 off a clearance rack. i do this all the time. as this summer closes, i'll shop the clearance racks, put them in the attic for next year.

5. again not sure how old your SD is, or your other children, but my daughter has a closet full of clothes (mostly hand me downs) but she still has her favorite 4-5 outfits that if they are clean, she will choose them over any other outfit, and doesn't wear the rest of the clothes anyways.... i have to let her laundry pile up, and not wash those favorite outfits to force her to wear some others. so my daughter would be content if her closet only have 5 outfits in it - not 20... and she's only 4yrs.

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It's not her business where the clothes come from, she should be grateful you are giving anything to her. Child support is to cover those costs. If she doesn't want them I would keep them and let the child wear them when visiting your home.

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I would say that it is MORE responsible to introduce children to hand-me-down clothes. Shows respect for those who gifted you with them, shows respect for our mother Earth, and shows children that there is more to life than going to the mall, buying clothes likely made in another country by children or other sweat-shop labor conditions, and shipped around the globe with oil we are fast running out of.

The bio mom needs to stop trying to control you. With five children, you have more to worry about than having brand new clothes every year!

Better to teach your step daughter how to sew a button and a torn seam--that will serve her as a lifelong skill that she will always remember and be proud about.

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I'd tell her that if she wants to spend the money to go ahead and do so, but to insist that you spend it completely uncalled for. If the hand me downs are nice, why waste $$$? And of you're talking Gymboree, she's not a teenager that is really going to be upset that she's not in the lastest fashions.

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Greetings H., I have 5 children and come from a family of 10.
I wore hand me downs and to some extent so did my children. They never seemed to care but we did most of our shopping at outlets and could get as many as 9 full outfits for $75.00 that includes purses and slips and underwear. My boys were just happy not to shop and they were happy to have a Tshirt and clean levi's.
I do have a few questions that I'd like to know which makes a differance:
-- For me many of the children in my family were step children with 4 from my mother ,3 half siblings and the rest were step brothers and sisters.
So what is the dynamics of your household?--- Are the other 5 all you and your husbands? are they yours from a previous relationship? Becasue if that is it-- then its thier father that is responsible for them and their needs not your husband and fair is fair.
How old is your step daughter? if she is 13 then she wants a certain look and shoes that age are an adult size and can be $15-24 dollars unless she has an odd foot like me and then its more. Does she wear a bra? Those are about out of the moon in price in some places. Is she heavy and needs a larger size? That adds to the mix. So with that as part of the mix then what she is asking for is not outrageous at all and your lucky she isn't asking formore! Give the MOTHER OR READ THE DIVORCE PAPERS to see if there is a provision for suppling clothes and items for the child in excess to the child support! I know that I have encouraged all my friends that have divorced to make sure that school items are shared expence, summer camp or Boy Scouts etc are all included. Be they men or women. It is thier child. Thier responsibility and not the kids fault to have them part of a divorce.
I never let any of mine start the first week with someone else' clothes esp. if that child was at school becasue all it takes is " hey thats my shirt" to ruin a whole year! I actually saw this happen once to a step sister and it really hit me big time!
I made a personal choice to have 4 children and we adopted the 5th so it was our knowledge that we would have to provide for them and prepare for thier needs. When money was tight, or dad was out of work, then we made adjustments and everyone sat in family council and talked what could be changed,adjusted, sacrificed... and the boys were 1st in line to say new levi's andmy comfortable t shirts were fine.
What is your husband saying about this? The birth mother can always ask and if she feels that you are slightling her child may be argumentative. Good Luck-- remember this is only my 2 cents and not meant to be judgemental.

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Don't tell her. Bring the gently used clothes home in a bag and no one will be the wiser. It's your money and you don't have to explain to anyone how you spend it. If she has a problem then she can buy $300 worth of clothing for your stepdaughter, her daughter. I have so many wonderful friends that hand down clothes for my almost three year old and I am so grateful that I can apply that money to other areas that are desperately needed. We live in a society that puts so much emphasis on who has what and how much it costs. It sickens me sometimes. I have a tub full of clothes for my son (cords, sweaters, sweatshirts, long sleeve shirts, raincoats, winter coats, etc.) and though I will probably buy him a few pieces, what a relief that I don't have to worry about that when the weather changes. I can use that extra money to give him a really great birthday surprise. Best of luck.

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I have a family member with a similar situation. His daughter loves ,loves, loves her hand me downs and he has even sent some of the over stock to his ex's cause the child has soooo many clothes.I agree unless there is a court document stating you must spend that money on her clothing then do not do it. Remember it is your home.. your rules are your rules just because the ex says does not make it your rules to follow. If there is an order and the parents are cordial... the parents should talk about this and maybe stipulate that the money would and could be better spent elsewhere..

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Hi! I never really got people's "issues" with hand-me-downs. If they're in good condition, it's such a waste not to use them - especially if they're good quality brands that will last longer than the kids fit in them. And sure, your kids don't need to know where they came from - they're just new clothes to them (and they didn't need to get dragged to the shop for them)!

I think the only time this can get awkward is when the kids get older, and if they feel like they're "always getting hand-me-downs" - then it could be a self-esteem issue or whatever, but if you tackle it head on and balance out the "new" stuff with the hand-me-downs I think you'd be fine....

With regards the stepmom, I would say to her that if she feels spending $150 on clothes is appropriate then she should spend that - and that you will spend whatever YOU feel is appropriate in YOUR house - and that might be $50 or it might be $200 - but that's up to you guys.

Good luck - but don't feel bad about taking/using the hand-me-downs!!!!

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Is there an order stating you have to pay $150 towards new school things? If not, then there is not an obligation to do so especially if she is fine and well off at your home w/ clothes and supplies, etc. I don't think you are "cheating" your kids, depending on their ages, they likely don't care or know the difference. Once they get old enough to understand, they'll likely insist on new clothes, but hopefully you'll have time before that hits. :) Best of luck. You are so lucky to receive Hand me downs of such quality.

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It is foolish to spend tons of money on brand new clothes from China which are OVERPRICED anyway when you can get great clothes from garage sales. Especially when the kids grow out of them after one season! We try to buy everything we 'can' used. Everything.

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Of course it's not cheating the kids to put them in hand-me-down clothes!!!! Some people have that idea but I have no idea where it came from -- probably from the merchants! Kids have worn hand-me-downs for centuries, usually from family members. Now that families are smaller, we have to get our hand-me-downs from other sources! It's actually very trendy to reduce/reuse/recycle, right?? After his first round of baby gifts, my son lived in hand-me-downs for many years. We bought good shoes and cheap everything else. I didn't care at all about brand names - kids don't need to learn about status symbols, and they don't care!! Let's not teach them this stuff so early!

As for the stepdaughter, you have little control. I would not approach the bio mom at all unless you have a spectacular relationship with her, which is doesn't sound like you do. It's your husband's job to work with her. If you guys are paying child support to her, she's spending it as she sees fit. If you have a legal agreement that you must spend a certain amount on her clothes, then see if you can negotiate it - she wants you to prove you are spending money? The child needs more than clothes - prove your other expenditures on her behalf. Or, maybe you can put a certain amount in a designated account for braces, college, or something else. If she's just being difficult and insisting for the sake of insisting (she may be worried that her daughter will get lost in the mix of other kids or get less because she's not your bio daughter), but if she has no legal agreement, you are under no obligation to do what she says. Your husband will have to get her agreement on it and it may not be possible without legal assistance. The less argument you have over these things, the better for all.

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I love hand-me-downs - loved them as a kid, loved getting them for my kids. Loved giving them to someone who could use them.

Just a side note, though. My mom was one of eight children. She never, ever had anything that was purchased for HER until she was an adult. She never had anything she picked out for herself. Not even her wedding dress. I still received many hand-me-downs; but she made sure that each school year when I my entire wardrobe would be hand-me-downs, she took me to buy one outfit - something that I picked out and was purchased for me. Sometimes that one outfit came from K-Mart, but it was something that I had chosen. I never remember being anything but happy about getting hand-me-downs, but I also remember being thrilled to have that one special outfit.

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Are you kidding? My almost 7 year old daughter has been in my friends kids hand me down clothes since the day she was born. Just like you, I've got a couple of great sources that give me tons of high quality clothes. They like to shop, I don't. My kid looks fantastic. I'm very lucky.

Why would you spend money on new clothes when you don't have to? Is it written somewhere in the divorce paperwork that your husband must spend a certain amount on clothing? I've never heard of that.

I think this might be a different issue than just hand me down clothes.

(p.s. I guess I should have read everyone elses posts first. Obviously you have your answer. Good luck.)

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No it is so not cheating the child! I LOVE second hand clothes. As a kid I probably would have preferred second hand brand names than some of the off brand I had. My daughter is only 3 but she gets very excited when I come back from the consignment shop with "new" clothes for her. Frankly the stuff I get there is better than what I would buy new, bc though I could afford it technically, I will not pay for the expensive stuff when I can get perfectly good clothes for so much less.

Unless you have some arrangement where you need to submit actual receipts to her, I'd just get the stuff she needs, and not make a big deal about it. Send her back to mom with a pile of clothes and let mom stress about figuring out how much you spent. $150 doesn't really buy a lot of clothes, she should be happy you are so smart and frugal.

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My kids live in hand-me-downs! I also have a fave consigment shop that i consign my kids clothes at. I get a store credit & use it toward buying "new" clothes. You'd be suprised how many clothes to be found brand new w/ tags still on. I got my daughter a brand new pair of L.L.Bean pants that had zippers to convert them to shorts. Tag still on - these were $50 pants i got them for $7!! I also don't go over a certain price point on shoes.

The bio mom can spend all she wants on new clothes, if she doesnt WANT her to wear 2nd hand then it's HER responsibility to supply "new" clothes!
I have a friend who now has 4 children, her husband refuses to let them wear 2nd hand & theres only 1 income. To each there own i guess. You do what it is that you can AFFORD!!
I have 2 girls so my younger 1 gets all her sisters stuff. My mom buys them Carter & Oshkosh too, so they have alot of nice things.

Not sure how old she is, but i would start out by showing her how much this clothing is really worth. Put price tags on ii, and you can even discount it a touch for being worn already. Then let her see how quickly the $150 is spent, and show here all of the other items she could still have. Take her yard saling...a great way for kids to see how they can stretch their money. I would keep bio-mom out of it. She can spend her own money, or also appreciate the wonder of savings that come through second hand clothes.