Clinging High Maintenance Child

hi T.,

My daugther does the same thing! She is also 4 and we went to her 1st gymnastics class yesterday that she has been so excited for and would cry if I stepped a foot away. I don't know what I'll do come kindergarten. I hope it's a phase too and that she too will grow out of it.

You have a high maintenence child. No biggie. Let him cling to you. Let him have his security. He sounds like a strong willed child to me, and that is fine. Have you read any books about strong willed children? Parenting the strong willed child is one I really like.

If our kids cling to us, it's because they need to. It's fine. Why would that be a problem? His personality is just different than your younger one, which you would expect. My oldest is also a bit more unsure in new situations and is less social than his brother. The biggest piece of advice I can offer is to never compare them. Never make him feel bad for being clingy and let him cling... eventually he will feel safe enough to go out on his own.

Hi,
Just from your description, it sounds like your son may have sensory processing issues, particularly oversensitivity to touch. This can cause him to withdraw from other kids and be clingy to you. My daughter was this way, but has gotten much better with Occupational Therapy. You may want to have your son evaluated by an OT - you can get a referral from your son's pediatrician. If you'd like more information on sensory processing disorder, check out www.sensory-processing-disorder.com.

Well, let's take this apart. I learned long ago, that if it's not working we go to the next step. Do the opposite is one and making it clear what you're doing is the other. Although that is not 100 percent guaranteed either.
First, if you try not to make a big deal out of it,usually, then he probably knows that. So before you go and do any sideline sitting and to public events you can make it clear what is expected and what the consequences are: i.e. perhaps leaving, not going for the ice cream after, etc.. Do make a big deal out of it (but not in front of all the other perfect moms who give us dirty looks when we are trying to discipline our children. DO THIS At home, before you go.Does he want to be in these classes? If he is doing these things then it might be better to wait a couple of years and not waste money on these things. You yourself won't have fun either. Everyone develops differently and he might not really be a good candidate for these things until he actually desires it himself.Sometimes we get pressured into making our kids iceskaters and they just want to be the one who sells the hotdogs.
Well, I could ramble on but I had one of those clingers and I'd like to say this: I wish I wouldn't have pushed him away all the moments he was clinging because he is in the service now and I don't know where he is or what he is doing and haven't seen him in a very long time. So in this particular case I'd gladly trade one of those seconds of clinging for a moment with my own son. But so be it, if you need to succomb to the pressure that the world puts you, making a man out of a four year old, then so be it.
Is he in school? Pre-school? What do teachers say?
Hitting little brother is not acceptable and perhaps the punishment needs to be again, addressed right away, definite time out or a privelege taken away. I think you are one caring mom and you will conquer this shortly. Good luck!

Some kids are just born more shy and they need more help. The best thing you can do is give him what he needs and lower as much as you can the stresses he feels. It is definitely hard but worthwhile for his long term growth and security. The "How to talk to your child so you child will listen" book I found very helpful. It is not exactly on your issue but it does help with trying to orient dealing with children so that they feel secure, will interact positively with you and others. I also liked Smart Love by Martha Heineman Pieper and William Pieper. I think there are a variety of books on the market about the shy child. I think a lot of feelings are biological. Some of us have higher or lower levels for instance of testosterone and that makes us more or less risk averse for instance. The same is likely of serotonin and other neurochemicals. That isn't to say that everything is genetic - it is a mixture of experience on top of whatever biology we individually have. I once heard a great expression "It is not what happened to a person, it is what they think happened to them that matters." So things that you or I might think are easy may be more stressful to someone else.

One possibility is that your four year old needs more one on one time with you. Whining and clinging can be a sign of this. Carve out some time on a regular basis that is for you and him alone. Doesn't have to be a big thing: can be a walk or 45 minute trip to the park on saturday morning or a book or puzzle together when you other son is not there. This will not work over night but should help in time. Some kids are not outgoing and need more time to enter into social situations. Your son may feel shy and unsure especially if his younger brother seems more capable of joining in and getting attention. Don't try to make your four year old something he is not. Pushing him too hard will backfire. As always, check with a doctor about sensory issues and of course he cannot hit his brother no matter what. Regular consistent discipline is required. Good luck!

T., I have 3 kids, now adults. The first one was what I thought would be the perfect child: outgoing, happy, funny, and mellow. The second was almost the exact opposite. He was isolative, strong minded and was just kind of quiet, not interacting with other kids well. Then I had my daughter who was exactly like your child. I could not even go to the bathroom without her, even at home. It was really kind of funny to watch her boss around her 6 foot brothers (who later grew to be 6'5" and 6'2") and tell them what they needed to do to make HER happy. She would not let me change her clothes from pants to shorts in the summer without a huge fit and would not let us put on sunscreen, mosquito repellant, or winter hats and gloves. She hated to have her hair washed and we only had a shower at the time so I had to buy a big washtub to put her in to bathe her. But she is now 19.5 years old and is so social and active I would not recognize her if I didn't know her. So relax. It is a phase, but let me tell you one thing. She is the only one of my kids that calls me everyday and never forgets an occasion. The clinginess is paying off for ME when I am older. It will for you too. Enjoy every minute of this. It seems to smother you, but it ends all too soon. You seem like such a good mother, so just do what you are doing. God Bless.

My good friend's son was exactly like that at age 4. [eta - not the hitting, but the clinging.] Worse, even - he was anxious if he couldn't find her in the house for a moment.

He is a little bit sensitive, but now he is a pre-teen and he's brilliant, involved in many activities, and pretty fearless. I think you should do what she did - let him know he is safe and wait for the phase to pass. Don't shame him or force anything on him. (not that you would, but I think people sometimes do things thinking it's for the best.)

I agree with many of the posters that this may be a sensory processing issue. My oldest was diagnosed and my youngest is scheduled for an evaluation through the school system. I'm all too familiar with the behavior you described! I'd suggest contacting your school district for a screening/evaluation as it's much cheaper, and sadly, insurance companies give more credence to school diagnosis. I don't know where you live, but we have a fantastic OT...Manny OT & Associates in Volo (NW,near Fox Lake). I can't find his card at the moment, but his phone number is ###-###-####. You can also google "manny ot" to find his address, e-mail, etc. If you're further south, we've also been to Cawn-Krantz & Associates, who were also great, but switched, because they were out of network with our insurance. Good luck!

You probably should stop patting him on the head and conjoling him when he soesn't need it. Children use their own intrepretation of what and why you do things. He needs to grow up and be the older brother and start helping you with baby. Make sure you praise him for all the good things he does for you and speak to your pediatrition, see what he has to say. Good luck mommy. Been there and did the same things you're doing...I learned too late so I hope I was able to help a little.

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Best wishes,
J.

Hi, I have a 4 year old boy also and yes its a phase, mine does it all the time. I also have a 2 year old boy and 9 Month old boy, got my hands full. my 4 year old always will hit his little brother or take toys away. It drives me nuts but count to 10 and hope it stops. I give them all attention, i don't favor none of them. So i don't know what the problem is either.. I hope this helps.. Take care

Yeah, he sounds like a great kid that may have some sensory issues. You could have your pediatrician get you a referral to an occupational therapist to do an evaluation. For a name, if your pediatrician doesn't know one, I have a few names since I'm in school for OT right now at UIC, if you wish to email me.
All the best to your family!

You are not alone. I'm anxious to read the other posts as I've been suffering through this for 16 years....and my younger child (18 months younger than the first) is the same as yours...

The first thing that crossed my mind is a sensory processing disorder. I found a check list. This can include... frustrations with touch, crowds, noises, new situations, etc... and can create the mood that you described:

http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-proces...

Only you would know if this was a phase - has he been like this for a while? Sometimes kids are just "needy" and he may be afraid of being more independent or need to be "taught" exactly what to do, when placed in a situation where they have to exude independence or he has the "everyone will be watching me!" anxiety. Role playing at home may help him. You may want to try and schedule some activities where you can safely leave and he knows you won't be present for an hour just to see how he responds (giving him the name of the adult that he can approach in case he has any anxiety). Short times away from you may help him develop his confidence and independence. Sometimes our kids actually act better when we aren't present.

Good luck.