Child Support and Absentee Father

This is a hard situation for all of you. The only advice I can give you is to pray and keep loving your child! It is not her fault and I would not even bring up her father unless she asks about him. I am going through a similar situation with my children's father. I tell them that he loves them, but is not able to see them like he should and sometimes daddy makes bad choices. My children are in therapy and that helps when there is someone else to answer their questions when you just can't find the words. If I were you, I would not call her father anymore unless you have an emergency with her! If he wants to see her, he will call you! Let the child support office handle the money situation, there is no reason for you to stress over something when they can do that for you! Good luck and God Bless You!

first of all i want to say dont apologize to him!!! hes the one who should be saying im sorry! i feel for your little girl and you but i would just tell her daddy went away for now and its nothing she did. keep your distance from him esp with your daughter b/c if hes going to ignore her thats just going to break her heart. so dont let her see him with his neice (not sure why you all are still hanging out if hes that wacko) good luck hun it will work itself out.
ps he cant terminate unless you have a husband who is willing to adopt. unless there is harm being done to the child

Hi M.,
This sounds so familiar...
Unfortunately, I was the same little girl as your 4 yr old daughter, and it breaks my heart. My father was really only a "father" because the court forced him to be one financially. I am sure he thought that was good enough. But I was truly blessed with a loving, strong, and selfless mother. Although she and my father never got along, you would never have known her dislike. Never for one minute did she tell me anything bad about him, so you are already doing the right thing in that regard. However, you have to keep your distance from him at work. My mother and father also worked in the same building, but just treated each other cordially when they came across each other. I know its hard to not go off the handle with him, but this does no good, as you obviously can't force him to do anything. Just try to avoid him completely while the court case is pending.
If the court case comes out and he doesn't want visitation, it will be a very sad adjustment for your daughter, and there is no real way to explain the situation.
I hope that once personal issues between he and you are over, he will want to be a father to her. It will be very confusing for her if he decides not to be a part of her life. The only advice I can give is to do your best to make her feel confident, secure, and loved a thousand times over. When I used to ask, my mom would say- "Your daddy loves you very much. He just isn't able to come and see you right now, but I know how much he misses you." One day, he will have to come to terms with his actions. I am 33 and my father has not spoken a word to me for 6 years and has never met his grandchild. Unfortunately, some men never get it, but there isn't anything you can do about that. But I always felt loved and safe because of my wonderful mother. You sound a lot like her! Stay positive, and she will be just fine. :)

I don't know about Tennessee law, but I know in Kentucky terminating parental rights does NOT terminate the child support obligation unless someone else adopts or otherwise agrees to be legally obligated to financially support the child. My advice is to get as much child support from him as you can (through the court, don't even have contact with him anymore if possible) and let that be the end of it. He was more than happy to participate in the creation of your child, and she didn't stop existing and having needs just because he isn't interested in being with you anymore. Most states have a formula that they use to determine child support based on how much each of you are earning and what your daughter's expenses are.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to prevent him from breaking your daughter's heart. I've tried to come up with a way to express how I feel about him ignoring your daughter in the store but I can't think of anything that doesn't involve expletives. All you can do is not let her see your anger and to give her all the love and support you can. Life is hard and it isn't fair and unfortunately she is having to learn that earlier than you would have liked. If possible, get her into some counseling. You certainly don't want her to learn that this is how men are supposed to treat women and this is how she should expect to be treated when she grows up. Hopefully you will eventually (not right away) meet a good man who is worthy of your and your daughter's love and who will provide a more positive male role model for her.

For now, I would maybe even seek a court order denying him any visitation unless he is going to be consistent about it. It might be easier for her to deal with not seeing him again than it will be for her to see him every blue moon and never know when or if she is going to see him again (or if he will pretend not to know her when she does).

My suggestion to you M. is to hire an attorney and get some good legal advice. You have two issues-the telephone harassment charge and the child support issue. You need two attorneys or one attorney that practices criminal defense law and family law. Telephone harassment is a crime. Find a good criminal defense attorney. If you cannot afford a criminal defense attorney contact the Public Defender's Office.

A family law attorney can help you with the child support issue. In Tennessee, if you terminate his parental rights I do not think you will get child support. The family law attorney can tell you how much child support you are entitled to based on his income and number of other dependents. My guess would be that it will be more than $60 every two weeks. They can garnish his wages and his income tax return if he does not pay his child support. If he does not take the child for visitation your child support will increase. Get a notebook and keep a record of it all--date, how much he paid in child support, times he visits your child, etc. The attorneys will need all of that information. If you cannot afford a family law attorney contact the Legal Aid Society.

I worked in the court system for six years. I would never go to court on anything without an attorney. I have seen what happens to people without an attorney.

Hi M., I must commend you for getting out and doing for you and your daughter early. Often times we as women let 10-12 years go by and we have wasted our lives on a situation that we knew was toxic but in denial. I had a non supportive father situation also prior to my blessing of a husband. The best thing you could have done in raising a woman was to let her see that you were a strong enough woman to not continue the situation and let the courts handle it. Let her continue to have her fake conversations with him ( I know this may sound crazy, but she is getting out her feelings). It is better for her to be expressive. Trust me in time she will know him for herself and will thank you for your efforts. Let her know that she is loved her very much but sometimes adults need time to make the right decisions. Trust me, I did this and soon enough my daughter responded but you are not busy to spend time with me. You are not speaking ill of her father by doing this and she can get her own opinion. In the mean time the best revenge is to have a happy healthy life. Seek the Lord and he will strengthen you; weeks,months from now you will look back at this time as hmm Lord look where you brought me from. Get a women's devotional and choose topics to read based on your situation or do the daily devotions. Time will heal and the Lord will keep his promises for his will for your life.

It sounds like you have some decisions to make. You need to figure out if you really want this man in your daughter's life, and you also need to find out if he really wants to be in her life. If he does not, then you might want to consider letting him cut the ties. It's a really hard and personal decision. My mother's biological father gave up his parental rights when she was four years old. She did struggle with that a bit, with thoughts of rejections and such, but her mother (my grandmother) met another man, married him, and he adopted my mom and raised her as his own. As an adult, she met and got to know her biological father and realized what a blessing it was to not have him in her life all those years. Of course, that is just her story, and yours could be totally different. I just think that if he's the type of dad that acts inconvenienced by the whole situation then he's probably not a very good father, role model, or influence on your daughter. I pray that it all works out and you are able to come up with the best solution for your daughter in the long run.

You are doing the right thing by not talking ill about her father, as she will figure out his failings soon enough herself. As heartbreaking as it is to watch your child hurt, I doubt that you can end her sadness, but you CAN make sure that she knows that it is NOT her fault in any way, shape or form, and that SHE did NOTHING wrong! (Although, She may ask if YOU did anything wrong.) My EX left when my son was 18months old and has not laid eyes on him in 4 1/2 years. (My son will be 6yrs. soon) He also asked questions and was sad when he saw his friends with their fathers. My Ex is an alcoholic, and verbally abusive so it was/is not healthy for my son to be around him anyway. I told my son that his father did not know how to be a daddy, and that he had some grown up problems that he needed to work on, but I've never spoken bad about him to my son. I said he didn't know how to be in a family and take care of a family, but maybe one day he would learn how. I told my Ex he could visit anytime as long as he was sober, but he's never done it. (I now have a wonderful fiance that has been a great 'fatherly' influence and my son adores him.) Your daughter will probably be a lot better adjusted to everything than you think she will, As long as she knows it is not her fault, and that she did nothing wrong. You may also want to keep conversations/details about upcoming court issues away from her ears, even if you think she doesn't know what you are talking about. Take it from me, if they think you are talking about 'daddy' they will be all ears, even if you think they aren't paying attention! Good luck with everything, I really hope it all works out for you. It is not easy being a single Mom, but LOVE can work wonders! Hang in there!

Hi M., FIRST of all>>>> PLEASE get this in front of a JUDGE in court to RAISE the AMOUNT of the child support , no matter WHAT he makes or how many other children he has responsiblilities for. !!!! Your child IS important and needs " MONEY & Medical & ANYTHING else she needs or wants... and this will be needed and deserved for the rest of her life. Most IMPORTANTLY : Get it ALL done so that it GOES THROUGH THE COURT SYSTEM of PAYMENTS !!! Do NOT accept that "HE" will be sending you the checks !!! NEVER accept this way of payments. I promise you you NEED to get MORE MONEY from him I don't care if he is a pauper on the streets. HE HAS to pay the NORM for a child, and your child is just as important as a millionaires also ! Do not worry how much he is making or not making... he IS responsible to PAY fro her till she is out of High School or College... Trust me, stay the course, stand your ground, and do not give up on attaining ALL that she rightfully deserves and should receive! Good luck and make sure the judge hears YOU. Love and Prayers, L.

Don't wish for him to give up his rights. First of all he will always be her father, whether he chooses to be in her life or not, and second of all, as long as he is legally her father, he is also legally bound to pay child support. Whether he ends up paying or owing is another topic. I know it's gotta be h*** o* you, and hard for your baby, but just keep telling her that she is loved, even if her daddy doesn't show it much. Good luck!

It seems obvious that he has decieded to end all contact and not be involved. I would stop calling him or trying to contact him because you don't need to have any trouble regarding harressment.
Start documenting your encounters with him if he approaches you, or if there is no contact.
The Child support office will collect the money on your behalf, even garnishing wages if there is a court order to do so. If they start garnishing wages then likely he would terminate his parental rights.
My daughters were 4-6 years old when their father stopped seeing them. My youngest doesn't even remember what he looks like. I don't talk about him around them.
Instead Grandma and aunts and uncles are very involved with their lives. Once in a while I will get questions about him and I answer them, but I think they take it for granted now that he is just not involved with our lives.
Once in a while he would call,(I believe when other people reminded him he was a father)I made only one request, not to make any promises. If he can't do it he should just say no I can't, I'm sorry.
Over the years as I have listened to their conversation they seem to have less to say to him, it is sad. But I think it is easier on the girls if it is all or nothing.
K.
Sharon D has good advice. Think of the cost as an investment in your future.

First of all ,my hart goes out to you little girl . I did not know my father until i was 10yrs old . I used to get sad when other girls were with their fahers and mine was no where to be found . It really suck , but my mother was a very strong woman who found ways to talk to me about our sitiation so that I could understand what was going on . She waited until I was about 7 to really tell me why he wasn't around .He was a dead-beat-dad .She never spoke bad about him but was completly honest with me . to me knowing I had one loving parent who would be there anytime I needed her made up for him not being there . My only advise is to make sure she knows she can come to you about missing him and cry and be mad and whatever else she needs to do to feel better . I know I respected my mother far more than most kids becouse she never treated me like I did not have the right to know . She always left it up to me to make a decision about how I felt on the subject , never once did she try to change the way I felt . Just be there for your little girl and teach her never to blame herself , and eventually she WILL be OK
Good Luck

Oh M. where do I begin....my oldest daughter is 24, her father gave up his rights when she was about 6. My 2nd husband adopted her and raised her as his own with the understanding that if when she grew up that she ever wanted to get to know her biological father that we would not stop her. When she was in high school things happened that she wanted answers too, she went to her biological father. By then her adopted father and I had also divorsed, and of course he was angry that she would consider making that contact after all that he did. He stop paying her child support - totally stopped acknowledging she exsisted. Came time last year for her to get married and she had not spoken to her adopted father in a couple years (other than in passing). My daughter asked both dads to walk her down the isile. They were both idiots and her grandfather did the duty!! Girls do survive. And she may not seem like now, she will be stronger for it later.
My youngest daughter has never had her dad living with us. He lives 10' away next door from us. He only see's her when she goes next door un-announced and uninvited, then she gets brought home within a few minutes because he always has something more important going on. The only time he does want to see her is during the holidays that his family together for what I have titled,"show and tell time." He will show her off, and bring her back. When she was still in diapers there could be a house full of 50+ people and he would bring her home for me to change her diaper. If she spit up he would wrap a bath towel around her and run her back to me across the yard.
I have a middle child, a wonderful son. He is graduating high school this year. Mr wonderful, told him that cleaning his yard was too more important than watching him get a state recongized award that has never been earned by anyone under the age of 18 before. He has never attended one game, one parent teacher conferencce, one anything in all these years that had anything to do with our children. But does all the activities with his step-children!
My son knows and will tell everyone what an azz his father is. I have raised a wonderful respectful, community/service oriented mindful boy, who plans to go on this fall to serve his community in the fire service and technology.
Your daughter is also strong because you are, she will reflect what signals you give her. Don't give him any future reasons to file complaints against you. Don't make a record for yourself. Don't give him that satisfation!!! Stand tall and walk away.

Dear M.,

I am so sorry you are in this mess...It is going to take a lot of prayer and for God to intervene...please don't try and deal w/all this alone...seek your pastor, a friend, someone to talk to and support you...it seems like the boyfriend does not want to be a parent...you might have to get use to this...maybe he will come around later...but forcing him to see your dtr. may not be the best thing..he mite see her as a liabiity...and resent her and maybe do something stupid when he has her alone...I would not push my dtr. to see anyone that did not truly love and want to see her....I wish you much God's grace,peace, and wisdom...

VMitchell
Memphis, TN...

First of all sweetie, I don't mean to be harsh but, If he had 3 other Mothers to 6 kids, how good of a partner/father do you think he is? Seems the only thing he is good at is...Making babies. Of course he wants to end his parental rights, he has no money now paying child support for 6 kids and you were probably helping him pay for his older children anyway. I would let him terminate his rights, a small price to pay to end the chaos he is bringing to your lives. Tell your daughter that Daddy loves her very much, he just doesn't want to be a Daddy. Get rid of him and find you a good Christian man that WILL raise her and become her Daddy. Surround her with a strong family environment and she will learn the ones that truly love her. If you are not in Church, get there! They have many classes that can help you and surround your daughter with even more caring people. When she is older you can explain it better to her.

In short, you need to let this man go. He is irresponsible and disrespectful to you and to women. The fact that he has so many other kids from so many other women, that is just ridiculous. Why would you want this man in your daughter's life? He can't afford to pay all of these child supports and apparently does not want to. $30 a week is not worth your time and surely is not worth getting a man like that into your daughter's life and then him hurting her later. Is this the type of daddy you want for her? Leave him and leave yourself open for a MAN to come into your life and be her daddy. Get him to sign away rights so you can meet a man that will love you and love her and be able to adopt her. If you do not get him to sign her away now, he may never. You will not be able to have the love of your life adopt her if he does not sign her away to you. Your daughter comes first and you don't want a man like this in her life that will not give her 100% which is what she needs. When you start to have doubt, remember this: "It is better for a child to be FROM a broken home than to live IN one"....

Good luck, W. M