Cheating Husband - Oswego,IL

I'm so sorry. I wish I had more advice, but I just wanted to tell you that only YOU will know where to go from here.

I can not speak from having this happen to me as a wife, but I can tell you that my father cheated on my mother for the entire time they were married (she finally divorced him in 1996 after 30+ years of marriage). I can speak from the viewpoint of the child in a situation like this, and I can tell you that I spent my life feeling like I had to protect my mother and her feelings. I'm 36 years old and I still feel like this. So it is something that not only affects you, but your children.

That said, IF you work it out and he stops this, then of course that is good for your kids. But if it keeps happening, your kids will take a lot of the brunt of it, too.

Also, I want to assure you that this problem is HIS not yours. There is nothing wrong with you that led him to this. Men that cheat often have very low self esteem and they are constantly looking for someone to stroke their egos. So unless he is therapy, he probably will do it again. You did NOT cause this. It is NOT YOUR FAULT.

3 moms found this helpful

What a horrible situation! I agree with the other moms, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! This is your husband's problem.

Since you heard from his lover, she probably wants you to know because she wants you to divorce him so she can have him. There's no other reason. Probably he's told her all kinds of stories about he wants to marry her, blah blah blah.

Please get in touch with a lawyer as soon as possible, they will help protect your assets and you and your children.

Just remember that you are a wonderful person who deserves a good relationship where the man treats you with respect and love. This is not it, and you DESERVE to have more! Do not try to "stick it out" for the sake of your kids. You're not helping your kids by being unhappy. A happy mother passes happiness on to her kids.

My best wishes go with you during this hard time.

2 moms found this helpful

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. He even bought her an engagement ring. When I confronted him about it he said that it was just a one time thing and that he was drunk...until I found evidence to prove otherwise. We went to one counseling session and he got angry that I told my closest friends what was going on. It wasn't until he forgot my birthday to spend with her and then got mad at me for not reminding him that we ended up agreeing that Divorce was the best option. He moved in with her and they are buying a house together. I have tried very hard to put the kids first...and they see their dad almost on a daily basis. They go to preschool and since we can't afford daycare, he watches them until he goes to work. I think you need to find a lawyer, unless you want to try and work things out. Just because he hasn't asked for a divorce doesn't mean he doesn't want one. He is enjoying the feeling that he gets from cheating on you...sneaking around, etc. Once that's over he may find that he doesn't want to be with you...and leave anyways. I think you should give him an ultimatum...her or you...and he needs to prove it...and get a free consultation with a lawyer to find out your options. Definitely put the kids first...but remember if Momma ain't happy, nobody is happy.

1 mom found this helpful

I know your pain, I went through this about 3 years ago and I have to say, it was not fun. I kicked him out, I told him I wanted a divorce. He wanted to work things out. I did not think I could b/c of not trusting him. We did counseling, got to the root of why he was cheating and did more counseling. At first I was suspicious ALL the time, I checked our cell phone records daily and did not let him have any extra money. I told him that he had to rebuild my trust and I had to check up on him in order for that to happen. It took a very very long time, but now we are happier than ever, I trust him again and i have stopped playing detective and checking phone bills and things like that. That addage one a cheater always a cheater is not always true. My sister cheated on every boyfriend she ever had, but never considered cheating on her husband. If he is committed to working it out and will do whatever it takes, then it can work, but it takes a lot of hard work and time, it does not happen over night!
Good luck and time will heal your pain!

1 mom found this helpful

Hello,

First, I am so sorry to hear about your situation because It is a no win situation. I was in something similar to this but gave my husband time and realized, my kids need him more than I did. And remember the person giving you the proof is his lover. Most likely she wants things to be over with you guys so they can be together but remember you have two lil ones who know him as daddy. If your husband really loved her, he would have said he wanted to get a divorce vs lets work it out. I would say dont jump the boat yet and get a divorce, but try to work things out for the sake of the kids. But if you really feel betrayed and can't stand to see him, then maybe separation. I was ready to go on my own, and saw them say where is daddy, where is my daddy, and knew I had to put them before I did myself.
I Hope the situation gets better for you

1 mom found this helpful

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's obvious that you need to leave and leave now. Divorce360 is a great website where you can get some support and a checklist of what you need to do. Like the others have said. Get a lawyer, open you own back account protect yourself and your children legally. Talk to a couselor too!

1 mom found this helpful

I am so sorry. If I were in this situation, I would try to work it out but ONLY if it was a one-time thing. This has been going on for TWO years. For me, it would be no question. The marriage is over and has been for two years. It's now time that you focus on rebuilding yourself and finding a plan for what happens next. I agree with the other Moms. Talk with a lawyer and friends about next steps and how to shore up finances to help build your future.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Try not to romantize this situation and believe that you guys can give it "one more try". It won't work. That is not to say that you can't reconnect down the road but for now, too much has been said and done and he can't change while he has a long-standing girlfriend and the promise that things are going to change without him far away from her for awhile, won't work. Be honest with yourself and be strong.

Hope this helps. Good luck.
N.

1 mom found this helpful

I agree that if it was a one time thing, I might be able to stay and work it out. But a 2 1/2 yr relationship was not a mistake, but a choice on his part. I think even with a one time thing I would maybe be able to forgive, but never forget.

Contact a lawyer.

1 mom found this helpful

Talk to your friends, talk to your family, talk with a lawyer, spend a lot of time by yourself. You'll figure out what exactly you should do in this situation. It may take years. A dear friend of mine put her house up for sale and drafted divorce papers several times over 3 years or so... they finally reconciled and are right on track.

There's a possibility that you will never get to the point of trusting him completely, and that will have more to do with the way he opens up now rather than his sins of the past. There is life after cheating, but it takes A LOT A LOT A LOT of work.

The ball is in your court, no question. Do what you have to do with it. Take as much time as you need to decide on your next steps! I wish you all the best.

1 mom found this helpful

Shore up your finances (his bad credit from spending $ on her, will be yours as well), gather round your support system and tell them what is going on (who cares if his ego is hurt! He cheated on you!) and talk to a lawyer ASAP, like TODAY, if possible. You need to have a plan, a road map, if/when you chose to leave him.

Put YOU and YOUR KIDS first. That is it. If this has been going on for 2.5 years without his sense of guilt and/or responsibility to you kicking in, it is not going to start now that you know about it.

I am so sorry. This completely sucks. You and your kids deserve better!!

1 mom found this helpful

I'm so sorry - your letter is so heart wrenching! You've been taking the heat of the marital problems for the last couple years, thinking they were your problems. That's so sad but it's good that you NOW know that his lack of emotional stability wasn't because of something you did.

Time is on your side. First things first - talk to a lawyer or two... (free consultations) so that you know the legal ramifications that can come out of this. Even contact Kendall County and see if they have a day that they schedule free legal consultations (I have heard that other counties provide this service.) You must protect yourself and your kids so that no more financial harm comes to you. Do you have family in the area? Don't move out of your home! If one of you has to leave... let it be him. Legally, it's better for you.

He talks about "working it out". You are the only one who can make that decision but don't let him bamboozle you, again, by letting you "think" that he can work this out without counseling or making some major changes in his life. How do you know that it's over between them???? Did you find out accidentally or did his lover blow the whistle? It is going to take you a lonnnnnnng time before you will ever be able to trust the cheating b - - - - - -! Don't let him make you feel inferior or even let him try to make you think that you can't live without him. His cheating isn't your fault - unfortunately, it has become your problem.

Prayers to you and your family.

1 mom found this helpful

I also know my husband cheated on me about 6 yrs ago,,but he covers his tracks very well ,since he is a police officer,,,at the time I was not working but now I am and my children are older,so I am going to separate for now and will divorce when the house gets sold,,,I don't know if you can ever trust him anymore,,I certainly do not believe on word that comes out of my husbands mouth and never will,,,this is a huge slap in the face to you,,,and I felt the same way but now I know it is TIME TO MOVE ON!!!!!!! Good luck...get legal advice first..LL