My Husband on a Dating Site

My husband cheated. He then committed to change, went to therapy twice a week for almost a year (one session just him and one for both of us each week) and has gone out of his way every day since to show me how grateful he is for the second chance I gave him. Anything less then all that and I would have walked. You can not change someone who is unwilling to change.

i'm so sorry, sweetie.
there's no way i'd put up with this.
i don't think you over-reacted at all.
khairete
S.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. You are right to keep him out of your house. I urge you to get counseling to help you with this.

If you don't have the money go to Legal Aid.

Nope, not overreacting. Get a good lawyer.

I don't agree with "once a cheater, always a cheater". There are two reasons for cheating - 1) situation and 2) personality. He may be a "cheater" type of man. But he may not. Either way, I would base my choice on how my husband treats *me*, not what he did with an ex.

As for your situation, no you did not overreact. He needs to be honest with you 100% for your marriage to work. You are standing up for yourself. Good for you.

After reading your SWH:
Honey, NOT going to a lawyer is gonna cost you a LOT of money. He will hide money, he will withhold important papers, he will threaten to take the children. You HAVE to go to a lawyer now so that you are ready. Do you understand what I'm saying here? Pay a little now, or A LOT over the years. If you are CHEAP now, it will bite you in the butt so bad...

Original:
No, you didn't overact. He's not being truthful with you. You might try marriage counseling, if you want to try to save your marriage. But if he's cheating, he's cheating and he doesn't care about you.

Have you been to a lawyer? You need to go. You need to know what your rights are. You need to get all your ducks in a row so that your children and you don't get screwed financially.

"Once a cheater, always a cheater."

Glad you are not going to waste your life with a man with this kind of history.

Best of luck.

My husband cheated and has made it his life's mission to prove to me it will never happen again.
It doesn't sound like your husband has the same level of commitment. You didn't over react, he is lacking control and proper contrition.

Ok, you separated for some time, he obviously began to move on and started an account. Maybe he did or maybe he didn't remember to delete the account.

Bottom line, is you don't trust him. Unless you can BOTH work together to rebuild trust, maintain good communication (both of which you do not have) then move on.

Yes a lawyer will cost you money but so would an unplanned pregnancy, STD or worse.

Cut your losses while you can and establish a stable home for your children.

Good job. You give him some chances, and he's not changing. Proceed and don't second-guess yourself. He is not mature or trust-worthy. An hour long consultation with a lawyer will give you a wealth of information and does not cost much. You can decide to actually retain a lawyer after that. Get all your information together. The lawyer is less interested in your husband's behavior (give a brief "He cheats and won't stop" statement) than in what your expenses are and what you're trying to achieve, so be ready to spell it out. How much custody do you want. What is your financial situation. He will tell you what you can realistically expect. It wouldn't hurt to get a few opinions and definitely ask for a referral to get someone good. I got a great lawyer for very little and have full child support and full custody. I would have gotten generous alimony too, but due to my ex's unconventional job, I control his funds instead. You don't want a naysayer to convince you that you have no rights. Don't believe the worst unless you've heard it from several different lawyers. And don't tell your husband you're going for a consultation if there is any way he could or would financially sabotage you. Play your cards close to the vest. Be patient and smart.

Oh HECK NO!!!

You did NOT over react!! You said he's cheated in the past and now he's showing you - look what I can do!! Seriously!

Get a lawyer. Get custody and child support arranged and dump his sorry butt!!

I would STRONGLY suggest counseling...just in case he tries to pin this on you and make it your fault!!

There is a big difference between having a fight and you leaving him. If you have a normal fight, even a big one, then he should not go on a dating site. But if you have so many problems that you move out, I don't think it's such a bad thing. Obviously, it would be nice if he tried harder to work on the marriage and didn't immediately start looking for someone new, but YOU left HIM, so you can't really criticize what he did after you were gone.

It sounds like your problems go much deeper than a dating site. You don't trust him, he has a history of cheating, he doesn't respect you enough to talk about your problems, and you are quick to judge his actions. This is not a marriage that is destined to last unless you go into counseling and work incredibly hard to build trust and respect.

Sounds like he already has someone lined up to replace you.
Cut your losses now.

Well, he has a history of cheating and a quick story to explain. I do think you might have been quick to move, but I don't think you're wrong. Sorry.

You left, so he started looking elsewhere. That to me doesn't seem like cheating. You left.
If he was active on the site after you moved back in, then I can see where it would be a problem.

No, I don't think you over reacted.

There's no sense in digging deeper. You already know what you needed to do and you did it. Why do you want to dig deeper and get even more hurt? You gave him a second chance. He blew it.

Very sad.

I suggest (as I often do, I guess) that you talk to a counselor before you talk to a lawyer. Start by going all by yourself. What will you get out of that? A professional person who is both impartial and has an professional understanding of these entangling matters.

Understanding is what you need, so that you can go on the correct path (lawyer or more counseling)... and also so that if you were to divorce you wouldn't necessarily gravitate to the same sort of man afterwards.

l'll get flack for this.. But considering the lies you DO now know about....
I suggest you dig deeper.
You'll find out all you need to know.
I'm not an advocate of snooping on a husband--but yours certainly deserves it.
Check his email, cell phone records for numbers, etc.
You'll know your next step.
Good luck.

You did the right thing.

Have you all tried counseling? Having a lawyer is great so you can know what your options are in case divorce is necessary but I would urge you to exhaust other possibilities first. Cheating isn't the problem its a symptom of a problem. I think you all should try marriage and individual counseling. I'm not sure if you're still pregnant or if you've already had the baby but co-parenting after a divorce can be a nightmare. Emotions can explode during heated arguments or when issues are not being resolved but you picked your husband for a reason and I would suggest you all work on the marriage until it cannot be worked on anymore.

Best of luck!!!

You're not over-reacting. I believe it's more than likely that his explanation to you for the current behavior is untruthful. And I believe that if he lied before and is lying now, there's a very high likelihood that there's an awful lot more that he's lying about. He's still not treating you with respect and he's trying to downplay what you witnessed with your very own eyes after the history you have together.

What happens next is definitely up to you. You can try to push for marital counseling and therapy. Marital counseling can help you both figure out if staying together is the right thing to do and help you fix what's broken or it can help you make the decision to break up.

Or you can decide that this is the last straw. He may be waiting for that. He may have been hoping to get caught.

Whatever you do, I think you should get a lawyer either way. He could very well file next week or next month or in six months. I would want to have all of my ducks in a row and ready for him or in the process of being ready. While you're making ready to file, he could be too. Prep a custody arrangement and child support. BE READY not just to file but to receive divorce papers.

I think you already know the answer to this question.

You left him, three months pregnant with a child that is now over a year old. Sorry but anyone would have moved on in almost two years!!

I am not sure what you want from us. Do you hope we will say the courts will call this cheating and stick him with the bills from your divorce? They won't, the courts aren't stupid. You left him and didn't have the money to formalize the divorce so you took him back to call him a cheater. Won't work.