Can One-year-olds Really Share?

One year olds can NOT share. This is not a concept they grasp. This is a concept that comes just before preschool so I would say around 3 this is an actual concept they should grasp. Honestly, I do not understand play dates that young if the parents are not willing to let the kids just be. Typically they do not even care about the other at this age they should just be playing with themselves and near the other kid - that is normal 1y/o development.

Absolutely not possible to get a 16 month old to share. They just don't have the concept yet. They can learn to take things, but that's about it. And, it will take you several months of constant reinforcement to get her not to take. Sharing comes much later... maybe 2.5 or 3.

My twins spent all of their time together and I only intervened for sharing/taking when they were getting annoyed at each other.

Toddler's understanding of "mine"

1) If it's in my hand it's mine.
2) If it's in your hand it's mine.
3) If I see it, it's mine.
4) If I want it it's mine.
5) If I don't want it it's mine.

In other words everything is MINE--I don't share. I will learn though as I grow-up.

A few kids don't have it down by kindergarten.
Typically kids play cooperatively together by around 4 yrs old.
Younger than that and you get a lot of grabby toddler behavior.
I just didn't do play dates with my son till he was older.

Toddler Rules of Possession:
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
11. If it's broken, but you are having fun playing with the pieces, it's mine again.
12. If there is ANY doubt, it's mine.

Oh yeah, they share great!

Once you rip the toy out of their hand and throw your body over the child they are sharing with as a protective shell.

Earplugs help too. :)

I really can't remember when they stopped being little animals, I want to say sometime in high school but maybe after they started driving I didn't notice....

No, I don't think you can expect this from kids this age. My son at 20 months really doesn't get it either. Young toddlers are self-centered and just don't understand selfless acts. We just practice sharing at home and praise him for "sharing" even if that wasn't his intention (if he just handed something to us) so that he can start to grasp that it at least means giving someone something. I do always step in in social situations with other children to encourage Henry to share. I do understand your temptation to let them be but I'm also afraid of the looks from other parents (ha!) as well as I feel that constant repetition of this necessary skill is the only way to (eventually) learn it.

I don't know how well I can answer all your questions, but basically, at 16 months, you are expecting too much if you expect your child to share and understand why we share and be okay with it. With practice, they can get better about around 3 or 4, although some kids will still have difficulty with it. Also, until they are about 3, kids tends to engage in "parallel play", meaning that they won't really play with each other so much as beside each other, each of them doing their own thing. I think it does help to talk more about "taking turns" playing with something - it's your turn now, and then it will be Betty's turn. But especially at this age, it may be easier to distract and redirect until they can be better reasoned with. So there's going to be a lot of hands-on attention on your part. Not trying to be mean, maybe the looks from the other moms have more to do with how much attention you are paying to your child and getting (or not getting) involved, and less about her taking things from other kids. I happen to know that that type of behavior is very normal, so it really doesn't bother me, but I would be bothered if the mom just kept letting it happen without trying to redirect their attention elsewhere.

I loved what Rev. Ruby says and it is true. She can and will learn how to share but she must be taught. Victoria T. made an excellent point about teaching to share. Generally I tend to step back and watch. With my oldest neice, I had to intervene often because she was a fighter and would easily beat down any kid no matter how old that took anything from her. She's about to turn 23 and still very scrappy and feisty. She's the oldest girl of 14.

Not really, but practice makes perfect. :)

No, I don't think she'll "get it" just yet but you're doing the right thing by talking about it and correcting her. I think at that age if it's really a blatant grab and the other child is upset by it then gently correct her but if she grabs something and there is no big outcry then I'd let it go. Beware of constantly correcting her and don't worry about what others think.
At that age all those ideas that they aren't quite able to grasp are still important to teach. Things like being gentle, sharing, treating pets kindly are not principals she'll pick up overnight or without some guidance.

With my girls we always addressed things before they were really able to totally understand and then before you know it, they get it and all that work was worthwhile. If you wait until YOU think their old enough to understand you'll miss the chance to nip bad behavior in the bud. Little kids do what's comfortable and are creatures of habit, help make those habits positive now and you're life will be a lot easier later!

At around the age of 2.5, many littles have the brain development that allows them to BEGIN comprehending abstract ideas like sharing. It's still a long, slow process to internalize the understanding that sharing actually enhances everyone's experience, even the child's who lets go of some material goodie. And there are personality characteristics, including assertiveness, acquisitiveness, and fearfullness, that are considerably stronger in some people/children than others, which can make this a much harder rule of life for many of us to learn. (Look at all the adults in the world who still believe "It was given to me, or I earned it, so it's mine alone.)

At younger ages, it is possible to teach many kids sharing as a game. As long as there are positive strokes or rewards for sharing that are at least as important to the child as taking/keeping some desired object, they can happily participate. It can take some pretty creative parenting to help a child "enjoy" sharing, but it can be done.

And of course, many (not all) young children can be forced, intimidated, or punished out of certain behaviors. This is the "traditional" way to approach the problem, and it is effective, up to a point. But it can also keep the "correct response" externalized, and cause some more spirited or more timid children to react in ways that are not at all what parents hope for. Some children never learn to do good for good's sake, but will behave only as long as some powerful authority figure might be watching them.

We all hope our kids will internalize good social behavior, and for the past couple of decades, much research is being done to learn what approaches will work best for most children, or for children with certain personality types. One thing that is generally recognized is that all behaviors, by adult or child, are strategies to meet some perceived need, and most needs are valid.

But for very young children, their strategies generally need a lot of growing up. What worked best for my daughter, grandson, and many of the other toddlers I've interacted with is making sharing a low-pressure game, trading items back and forth with an adult, with a lot of laughter and praise. Positive strokes work before impulse control becomes available.

I haven't read the other answers so this may have been said already BUT try using the word "take turns" Instead of share. this indicates that she will get it back. I also believe it takes a village and let the other child know that when they are done with their turn, please give it back. This is a learned/taught behavior so YES intervene and help. Then step back and praise all parties involved. "What a nice friend, thank you for taking turns."

Supposedly 4 year olds are developmentally capable of genuine sharing. Before this age, they can't really understand another's perspective. So even when a 2 year old feels bad about hitting, it isn't because he hurt the other person, it's because he is afraid that by him hurting the other person he won't be loved, etc. It's all about HIM, HIM, HIM, until around 4.

3 year olds will share, if they believe this will help them get what they want. But I think 3 year olds are worse than 2 year olds, and the 1 year olds are the nicest! My son was always willing to share food with me, but once he hit 2, good luck!

So basically, it's all down-hill from 1!

She can't share. She can take turns. She can wait a turn. She can listen for the timer to know when her turn is done.

Sometimes the kids won't care if another kid takes the toy... I'd see if it's an issue before intervening. Sometimes they care, if they do, then you can make sure that she waits her turn. But the other kids need to know that the toys are for taking turns with (sharing) too.

J.

My daughter, although not all the time, was a good sharer at that age. We had a dog, so I made sure she would share her puffs with the dog as a way to start teaching her to share. Also, which always made me feel bad, but I thought was necessary, was to intentionally play with her toys and not let her have them when she asked. I would say Mommy is playing with X and you have to share and then you can have a turn. Or, I would say she can have it in a few minutes when I'm done and then I would share with her. It really hurt my feelings sometimes to not let her play with her toys and there were times I really didn't want to play with her toys, but I thought it was important to show her that she doesn't always get what she wants, especially since at the time she was an only child. I don't want to sound like my daughter was perfect, she was far from it, and she definitely had her not wanting to share moments, and she still does at almost 3, but she did get the concept as much as she could at that age.

Fortunately, for me I found a group of moms that would allow situations with kids to play out, but it took awhile and I understand your problem with playdates as some times I always felt that I had to intervene even if I didn't want to.

I also taught my daughter to take things back. If someone takes something from her, I would tell her to go get it back. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, but I want to teach her to stick up for herself and no rely on mommy all the time.

It has always been my philosophy to talk to my son as if he understands me, and enforce things that are important (like playing nicely and sharing) even before I was positive he "grasped the concept". I'd say things like " we don't take toys from other kids" or "sharing makes other people happy!" You'd be amazed at how much the absorb just from the way we say things even if they don't have vocabulary. I don't want to give myself credit (entirely) for my son's sharing ability but at nearly 3 he is very generous with toys and I don't really ever have a problem with him sharing because it's always been quite expected of him from the time he was old enough to play with toys & others. I also don't intervene if other kids aren't playing fair with my son, however, (generally--unless there's a lot of meanness then I will suggest an alternative to my son) but I let the other parents follow my lead or not. My son will meet kids who are good at sharing and some who aren't and some who don't play by the same rules that we have for him. I feel like those are the social issues he needs to navigate on his own using his "problem solving" unless it's really egregious and I need to step in...(like if it might hurt someone physically or there is a bullying issue).

I'd say the biggest thing is using feeling words and expressions (facial) "It makes me happy when you share with me!", "It makes me sad when you take my toy.", Use the same term over and over for the same act "It's Sam's turn to play with the ball! Lily's turn for the car!"

I don't know about share, but each of my kids would give toys to other children to make them feel better when they were that age. I know they get some of the concept, but delayed gratification is certainly a learned skill!

What I did that really helped was talk to my kids. I said, very simply, "No, thank you. That is not your toy. Give it back." I rarely had to take the toy from them and give it back. Usually they would loudly protest, but they would give it back. Sometimes they needed help (walking over, extending the hand, etc), but it almost always worked. I used the same technique at home when they were getting into things that they didn't need to (the towels under the sink, my clothing drawers, the garbage), and I would say, "No, thank you. That is not yours. Put it back." And when they listened, I praised them, gave them a high five, etc. My kids are 5, 3, and 16 months. It works for us.

when they are older you can have them sing the ABC's and once it's over the next person gets their 'turn'.

At one point, I had two babies around 2 years old living with me (not siblings; their mothers lived there too). It was so funny to watch these two little girls. Both were only children so definitely not used to sharing anything, including attention. When one child had something, of course the other wanted it. They used to square off like little boxers and fight over things. Maybe I should have intervened, but all I could do was watch and laugh. They litterally looked like two tiny boxers getting ready to go at it! Cheap entertainment!

All children, even infants can learn to share. I seen this with my granddaughter and credit her parents who from the time she was a baby never let her grab things from them. She would try to take away something and they would tell her "I have this now, you can have it when I am done" They would hold on to it for a couple minutes and then hand it to her and say "Ok, your turn" She never had problems sharing her toys, well, after a weekend long time with a few kids here with us, she had problems sharing Grandma and some of her toys. She never voiced it until the kids went home and she said "Grandma, it was fun having the other kids here, but I sometimes didn't like sharing my car." A cozy coupe that is the favorite toy of anyone who comes over. She never tried to take away or tell them that it was hers, so I was very proud of how mature she handled it. One of my great neices that is a year older then my granddaughter had a hard time sharing my granddaughter's toys. I caught her taking everything my granddaughter had away and I had to tell her that she isn't allowed to do that. When they are young, intervene and teach them sharing.

At 16 months, she def can't understand the concept, BUT, I think it's important to start introducing them to the idea of sharing asap! If children hear the word sharing from a young age, it only seems logical to me that once they are old enough to understand, they will be more prone to do so. Even if my theory is totally off, showing that you are trying to be a considerate play date mommy is a good thing:) (i've struggled with this issue also) and I vowed that I would not be the mommy saying, "she's too young to understand how to share". I say, make your baby girl be the one to share and if that concept/idea is not reciprocated, get a new play date :)

When it's just me and my daughter, I try to plug the word share whenever possible, "oh, you are going to share your cookies with me", "here you go, mommy's sharing her .... with you", etc. :) Good Luck! :)

Hi
You got a lot of comments. I didn't read them all. My 2 cents: if the tables were turned (so to speak) and one of the other kids did this to your daughter

1. how would you feel?
2. what would you want the parent to do?

Maybe answering those questions will help you.