Building a Strong Relationship with My Daughter Despite My Lack of One with Mine

I had a similar situation with my mother as well. She was always negitive with all of her children growing up. No hugs, no love, very cold, distance, with alot of anger mixed in there. We could never do anything right or good enough to please her. It has hurt all of her children in some way. Both of my sisters have grown children and they don't like her. Same thing, cold, distant, negative and judgemental. I am 11 yrs younger than my sisters, plus I waited until I was 36 to start my family. So you would think she would have learned something by now. My first one, my mother kept tring to tell me I was spoiling him with too much love! There was one night (when he was a newborn) that we were all eating dinner and he woke up crying. She urged me to leave him there and that it didn't hurt to let him cry. I have to say he was a good baby and never really cried unless he needed anything. That evening I did let him cry. My insides were all tied in a knot. I finally couldn't stand it anymore, went and picked him up, had a good cry and told him I would never listen to my mother again. I haven't either!! She has never changed either of my kids diapers (her choice, that would mean she would have to touch them), has never been left alone with them and never will. I was told by someone that she will never change and I have to accept that. So here is what I have done. I have told her she will never be left alone with my children. She comes over once a week for dinner. She sits on her butt and lets me wait on her ( I have come to grips with this). Her play time with my son and daughter is sitting on the couch and talking to them from a distance. I correct her (just as if she were a child) if she is doing or saying something I don't approve of. After a couple of hours I tell it's time for her to go home. It makes me sad because my children do not have any biological grandparents, only her. However, I can not and WILL not allow her to inflict the pain in my family's life that she did to her children. You just have to stand up in what you believe in. Tell her what you won't tolerate and if she can't accept that then she will not be involved in her grandchildren's lives. I know it's hard, but believe me when I say it takes so much stress off of you and it works out so much better in the end. If your mother really loves your daughter as much as you say she does, then I think she will eventually comply with your rules so that she can be with her grand-daughter. I feel for your situation, wish a great out come for you and your family.

I can't say that I have been in your situation but I do have some advice. I used to not get along very well with my in-laws but I never brought it around my kids. I know you don't want to hurt your mother but fighting around children, especially that young can be very harmful. You should just lay down the law and be firm with her. Let her know that if she wants to argue with you that's fine, but not in front of your daughter. If she wants to spend time with you and your child, she needs to stop acting like one or she won't be invited over anymore. Let her know that you don't want that type behavior around you or your children and if she can't deal with that than she doesn't deserve to be in you and your family's life anyway. Good Luck!! Hope everything works out for the best.

A little about me:

I'm a stay at home mother of a 15 month old girl and 4 year old boy.

Hey!
My mom and I had a HORRIBLE relationship until about 3 years ago. Same thing, everything I said or did was wrong and worthy of a fight. One mother's day she started in on me and I told her I never wanted to speak to her again..."don't call me I'll call you" kind of thing. She hung up on me and we didn't speak for 5 years AT ALL. I really don't remember who ended this, it just kind of ended. She's my best friend now. I don't TRUST her, but I love her and we can talk without fighting. My son missed out on her during that time, but they've made up for lost time, and our relationship didn't suffer. He's 10 now. I know that boys are different than girls, but my mom and I had a simillar situation. Now when we talk if it starts getting pissy, one or the other of us will just say "agree to disagree" and change the subject.
As long as YOU don't treat your daughter the way that your mother is treating you, it will not affect your relationship. When she is old enough to understand, just explain to her that you and your mom don't get along and it hurts you. You want to be able to keep open communication with you daughter so she doesn't fell the NEED to fight or argue with you. DON'T GET ME WRONG, all kids argue with their parents to an extent, but it doesn't have to get ugly. You are the one that sets the dynamics of the relationship between you and your daughter, NOT YOUR MOM! Be strong, have faith and BE PATIENT, eventually your mom will see that you are capable of making "BIG GIRL" choices and that includes how to raise your children! She'll come arround, and if she doesn't, "agree to disagree" and move on. If she can't, just tell her you don't want to talk anymore before it get's out of control. Tell her you'll call her back, or see her later, whichever is appropriate. She'll catch on and start acting like an adult too eventually!
I wish you well, and I hope you can heal the realtionship with your mom.

B., I had the same relationship with my mother. Short story I have a 19yr. old daughter who because of witnessing the arguments between us now acts like I did with my mother with me. I now have a 3yr. old son and for the past 3 yrs. I have made a promise not to let him see the aggravation and the arguments that grandma and I have. What I did was make play dates for him w/grandma if you trust her with your son let her have an hour or so with him. Drop off and pick up. Also, if there is anything that she would like to discuss with you about the play date or anything else you yourself make a playdate w/grandma. That way you daughter will not have to be around any unpleasantness between you and your mother. If she does not go for it you must insist that it is for the best for your daughter and her granddaughter you have to be the MOM first. Trust me she will always be your mom. But you have to take control do not let her bully you! Eventually your daughter will get older and then you can explain things to her if the situation doesn't improve. I am hoping for both our sakes that the grandma's and us daughter's will learn and build a better relationship for the childrens sake.Good Luck, A. you can email me if you like ____@____.com

I am going thorugh the same thing with my mom except with my mom drugs and alcohol are in volved and i only allow her to see my kids on a supervised visit in my home and when she starts running her mouth i ask her nicely to leave. Then she calls me up crying telling me how aweful i am for not letting her take my kids anywhere. One suggestion is let her pick the fight and fight by herself. because really you cant fight by yourself. If your daughter sees she is yelling and hollering at you and you not doing it back it makes your mom look like shes in the wrong and kids have a funny way feeling things out like that. thats what i do with my mom and it works well my kids see her act like a fool and they tell her to stop arguing with me. Good Luck

I had the same situation with mom as far as arguments go. I have learned over time that moms always have a non-soliciting advise. We used to argue a lot before but now we have great relationship. I do not like how I was raised but there's nothing I can do.... my mom did the best she could. Maybe somebody's best is not always the same as someone else's best. All we can do is learn from it. If you're daughter is seeing you 2 argue all the time unfortunately, she will attain that attitude and respect towards your mom and someday towards you. Try to talk to your mom and tell her that you don't like to argue infront of your daughter because you don't want your daughter learn to disrespect her. If that doesn't work, try to bite your tongue when your daughter is present and just let your mom talk. I know it's hard at first but it really makes things pleasant. Then when you are able, try to "converse" with her in a nice tone but not shouting. You can always disagree with each other but it doesn't have to escalate in a shouting fashion.

I have a similar situation with my mother bad relationship with no trust also. My advice is always be truthful to your daughter or else it will have serious consequences, also children do what they see not what they are told, if you want her to have trust in you then you have to show her that you trust people as well, and it can not be fake kids see right thru that. So hopefully you have overcome your issues or are at least at peace with them, I hope this has been helpful

Maybe you could keep it more to meeting somewhere for lunch or dinner where you're on neutral turf and there is a definite end time to it. That way your daughter will still be able to see her but the situation is kept to a minimum. Or meeting at the park for an hour before you have an "appointment" or something to do.

Even though your relationship with your mother was not perfect; it does not mean you and your daughters can't be. Just reassure your daughter how much you love her by just spending quality time with her and listening to her every word, even though it may not make sense sometimes. I don't mean to try to buy her affection but just spend close knit time. Like watching her fav movie, going out for ice cream, or taking her to the playground. Especially when the baby comes , make sure you still have that alone time with her. You may not realize it but little girls hang on to their mommies every word. I have a 4 yr old girl and 2 boys (3,1) My daughter came to me just the other night and said I don't love her because I don't listen to her. The truth is that I am sooo busy I neglected to acknowledge that I was neglecting her.

I know things seem pretty bad now but you have to hang in there. My mom is the same way that yours is and that is the reason why I moved out at 16yrs old and now I live on the other side of the country. I have learned just to listen to the advice that your mom shares with you and just keep it in the back of your mind...in case you ever need it. As far as the fighting goes, try having a heart to heart with her and tell her that you respect her and the way that she raised you but you have to do what's right for you and your baby. I hope that everything works out between you two...GOOD LUCK(keep your head up and be strong in what you believe in). :)