24 answers

My Adult Daughter's Relationship with Me.

My oldest daughter who is 36 has had a very close relationship me but she is also very selfcentered and nasty if I do something to upset her. On this go around I asked her some questions about going out of town right after she got a new job. She has a daughter that is 9 my grandaughter who we love very much and are very close to. My daughter is divorced and has made some bad choices in her adulthood.
I sent her a letter about what my feelings were on how she treats me and talks to me. She did not answer and did not call. She is saying things to me like You were lucky you got to come an Ashtyn's birthday. She screams at me all the time we are on the phone when we are having a disagreement. She is now starting to threaten me using my grandaughter and saying If I don't watch it I won't be seeing Ashtyn. There is so much more detail but its' taking up too much room. Help I hate being in a fight with her but I also hate how she is treating me.

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

If she is treating her own mom this way. Imagine how she treats her daughter!! I know this will be hard for you but until she either gets help or stops her harsh ways with you. I would stay clear of her. Sounds like she needs tough love from you. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers

If she intends on using Ashtyn as a punishment or reward, I would cut her short. As much as it pains you to not see your granddaughter, it would be better for her if she didn't have the struggle between being allowed to see grandma and not being allowed to see grandma. Hang up on her when she screams.

Show up if you're invited to a birthday party, but otherwise distance yourself. If Ashtyn comes to visit, keep it happy and upbeat, but invite your daughter to leave your home if she gets out of control. Simply tell her "you may come again when you act nicely."

Your daughter may have issues with you as a grandma, mother, etc. but that does not excuse her behavior. If she has a problem she needs to communicate it with more love if not diplomacy.

Remember you don't have to be in a fight.

5 moms found this helpful

Hi K.,

If I were you and my daughter started screaming or cussing at me, I'd hang up the phone. Do not allow yourself to be abused. You are her mother and deserve respect. She has to know that you have boundaries. She may not always agree with you or you with her, but both of you need to learn boundaries. Mother and daughter relationships can be a whole lot of drama sometimes. My mom is 84 years old and I'm 41. I also have a "second" mother, my sister who is 63. Although my mom and sister are close to me, they both can easily get under my skin and I too can get under theirs too. My mother is awesome and we rarely argue, but my sister and I have had some very nasty fights in the past. I've learned in my 30's from my husband that when my sister and I fight: It takes two to tango--be the bigger person and walk away if you don't want a war. I stay away for awhile, let her cool down. Is she wrong sometimes--yes, but I know I too can be wrong. There are certain issues I avoid discussing with her because I know they will set her off. I also know and am fully aware not to overstep my boundaries about certain things---and in time she comes around, so it works. I live by this philosophy when it comes to these two relationships: Love is about forgiveness--forgive and forget the bad times, learn from them and then move on while trying to do better the next time around.

I hope things get better for you:)

M.

3 moms found this helpful

If she is treating her own mom this way. Imagine how she treats her daughter!! I know this will be hard for you but until she either gets help or stops her harsh ways with you. I would stay clear of her. Sounds like she needs tough love from you. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

My mom passed away 3 weeks before my oldest daughter was born and there isn't a day that I don't wish she could be here to see even just a little something. My heart goes out to you because it seems like you are the "catch-all" of your daughters anger & frustration which is pretty sad. It blows my mind when I see or hear some people with the way they disrespect their mothers and I will admit that I wasn't always the easiest person to get along with, and I'm still not but I knew how far I could push things with my mother and I don't think I ever really went that far past that line. It sounds like your daughter may be feeling all of what she has done up to this point and rather then asking for you to help her sort it out, she is lashing out at you. Maybe if you try telling her that you are there to help her discuss things but that you won't allow her to treat you like you are the one that has caused all of this. As far as her using your grandaughter as leverage, I know someone who plays the same game and it's a horrible game. Good luck with all of this.

2 moms found this helpful

Ugh, I'm that daughter... well, not to that extent but I know I'm a real b!tch to my mom sometimes. We had a VERY strained relationship for years and years and didn't even begin to mend things until I had children of my own. Coming from her side of things, I would say that your letter really hit home for her, and she know's she's being hurtful and hateful. Personally, my mother did the same thing and I initially reacted about the same way because, although it took a while to admit, she was right and I was ashamed and embarrassed but too damn stubborn to admit it. You've said your peace, and as long as you've told her how much you love and care about her, the decision to continue to mend the mother-daughter relationship now rests on her shoulders. I came around because I did recognize that while my mother will ALWAYS make me want to rip my hair out, that's just how she is, and not matter what, SHE'LL ALWAYS BE MY MOTHER. My mom is a very negative person and is always out to bring someone else down with her... and all I can do is brush off her negativity and choose, as an adult, to maintain an adult relationship with her. It's so wrong of your daughter to threaten you with not being able to see your grandbaby, but she knows that that is what is going to hurt you the most. This is one of those inner battles she is fighting with herself, and she is the only one who can fix that. She needs to grow up and be more adult about your relationship, and your relationship with your daughter. I hope she comes to this realization sooner rather than later. Life's too short for petty arguements like this, when you had the best intentions. Best wishes!

1 mom found this helpful

I am afraid to say this as I am similar to you. I do not want to lose those I love. But it is funny how if you stand your ground, do not be available for her, people seem to change when we do. Surely your grandaughter is being treated terribly her, too and you can set an example to her that human beings need not be treated like this. Your grandaughter loves you I am sure and you can be available for her. Call her often. If mom blocks the phone calls, write her a letter. You use the computer so email her. Go around Mom. Ashtyn is nine years old and probably knows how selfish her mom can be. I have the most selfish sister who reminds me of your daughter. Funny though she can make her husband and boys jump just by being her b------ self. I was always like you and would look at her in amazement that people seem to be afraid of her and do her bidding. Do not be afraid of your daughter you are on higher terms than her. I am sure I could talk to you for hours about this and please vent, vent to us. She is emotionally blackmailing you. Do not permit her to do this.

1 mom found this helpful

You should hate how she is treating you because it isn't acceptable. By holding your granddaughter over your head like a carrot she is exerting her control in the relationship and until you deal with that she will continue to control and manipulate you. As hard as it may be for you, you have to stand up to your daughter and be mom again even if that means not communicating with her unless she speaks to you civally. Give her YOUR terms and conditions (the same ones any adult relationship would have-no screaming or disrespectful behavior) and if she doesn't meet them tell her not to contact you until she can stop acting like a teenager and start behaving like an adult.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi K.,

You may not like my solution for your situation. I'm a peacemaker, it's the way I was born, and I don't deal well with confrontation. But I do know how to smooth over people problems. I'd like to make it clear here that I do not condone the behavior of your daughter. Placing your grand-daughter in the middle is unexcusable. My mother and my grandmother could hardly stand the sight of each other. When we were all together there always was an underlying tension. And each were vocal about the other to the four of us girls. We were stuck in the middle, sometimes blamed ourselves, and had to walk on egg shells when mentioning one to the other. Don't let this happen to your grand-daughter.

First, it probably wasn't the best move to write your letter to your daughter. If you had issues it would have been better to face her in person. A lot of things can be said with body language and the tone of your voice that simply doesn't come through in a letter. But that point is moot. You did it and now how to fix it.

If writing is your forte then another letter, this time one of praise and an appology, wouldn't be out of the question. Address the issues that are already in the open...don't bring up any new ones. Offer words of encouragement, love, respect and wisdom. But this is not the best solution.

The best way to handle this, IMHO, is to have a talk with her. One on one. No one else around. The cell phones turned off. Set ground rules to begin with...like, no shouting, no calling names, no blaming, really listening to the other person. Both of you should agree to the terms.

Once this has happened then you need to bring up the letter and expand on what was said. Make sure she knows that this is coming from your heart. Let her know if your feelings have been hurt. DON"T accuse, belittle or blame her. Accept the blame for your part in this misunderstanding. Have a list of possible solutions written down so that both of you can go over them and choose what will work for you both.

Not only is your relationship with your grand-daughter on the line here, but the one with your daughter too. Forgive her mistakes, love her unconditionally, praise her often, be a positive aspect of her life and respect her right to making her own decisions and mistakes. You completed your job of raising her years ago...let it go.

When my daughter, now 29, left home for the first time I gave her a present. I had cut the apron strings off my favorite apron and had them framed. She gave me a puzzled look. I then explained the phrase "tied to your mother's apron strings" (—Idiom:.tie to someone's apron strings, to make or be dependent on or dominated by someone: He has never married because he's tied to his mother's apron strings. Origin: 1535–45). My gift symbolized her freedom as she became an adult...I'd always be there for her...but I would untie those apron strings and let her journey into adulthood be untethered. Have you untied those apron strings?

Good luck and God bless.

W. Q

1 mom found this helpful

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