Brother in Law Slob

Wow. Personally, you have been nicer than I ever would have been. I would have already kicked his lazy behind to the curb - especially since it was only supposed to be for a few months and he is still mooching a year later. Put down your ground rules. It is your home, after all! If he doesn't want to clean, he has to pay for the "maid service" he has been getting for free. He's an adult, you have done him a huge favor that not many would do by opening your home to him, and you shouldn't have to be holding his hand and trying to get him to pitch in. Sit down with your husband and work out what you think should happen and then both of you sit down with the BIL and let him know what you have decided on how things are going to be if he is going to continue to live with you. It will be his choice on whether or not he will abide by the new rent/rules/whatever or if he leaves. Good luck and hope you get it resolved sooner rather than later!

Do you need him there for the extra money or are you just too nice to say get out? You are setting a bad example for your children. If you dont need him there for financial reasons then he needs to go ASAP. If you do need him there for financial reasons then you & your husband need to set up major rules with this ungreatful moocher. Its important for children to be influenced by good role models, especially family otherwise you MAY be setting them up for failure when they get older.

I would first see how much a once weekly cleaning service would be, and then give him two options, 1) you do a set amount of cleaning to compensate for your living here (rent does not equal a free ride in terms of housework) or 2) your rent will go up $x dollars per month (equal to the cleaning service). Then its his choice, if he doesn't like those choices, he can move out and that is his call.

Sounds like a tough situation, good luck with whatever you chose to do.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you about my brother.

He's been a regular pot smoker since his teens. He flunked out of college and moved back home with my mother. When she finally got tired of supporting him -- at age 30, he moved in with our grandmother. She supported him until she got Alzheimer's, ended up in a nursing home and her money ran out. Then he moved in with our grandfather. He put with my brother for 6 months, then kicked him out.

My brother did go back to school and get his degree. Then because of a successful lawsuit, he took his settlement and moved to Los Angeles. He blew through the money. Did NOT pay off any of his outstanding debts. Racked up new debts. Ended up without so much as a car. However, he did find a roommate and apartment.

Finally, at age 50, he found a job and has had it for two years. He even got a car again.

None of my relatives, including our mother, did him any favors by supporting him. He put off any kind of responsible behavior as long as there were other, easier options. It wasn't until there was no one else to help him that he finally helped himself.

He has always been a kind person, just really lazy, OCD and low self-esteem. I have really noticed a difference in him since he's been working steadily.

I hope you and your family -- BIL included -- find the most loving solution for all.

Good luck!

This guy knows a good deal when he sees it. Why should he move out when he has it so easy at your house? I think it is time you told him to scram. He is freeloading on you . You don't need the grief this guy is creating. You can't gently encourage him. You have to give him an ultimatum. Tell him he has to be out in a month or whatever the time frame is. Be specific and tell him he HAS to get out.Be sure your husband backs you up, or even better, have your husband tell him with you backing him up. Do not reneg once you give him the ultimatum. Its time for some tough love.

Hi A.,

I've heard this question a hundred times on Dr. Laura's show. I think this is what she would say. He is taking advantage of you and your family's kindness. Talk with your husband and decide what kind of things your brother in law should help with weekly. Tell him to clean the bathroom weely and Tuesday nights he makes dinner. Make sure it's things that will benefit the whole family, not just "do your own laundry" which he should be doing anyway. Then the 3 of you sit down and tell him here's the deal. We need your help with these things. Still charge him rent and don't feel like you need to go down on your rent just because he his helping out because he hasn't been for the past year. Put it in writing and let him know if he can't pitch in and be a part of the household then he will have to move out immediately. Make sure he knows you are serious or he will be there another year doing the same, lazy, selfish things he's been doing. Good luck, stand firm and be tough!

1- Increase the rent -either $200 more a month or work to compensate for it (at maybe $10 an hour?)

2- Make a rule that no alcohol whatsoever is allowed in the house. If he argues tell him it's for the sake of the kids - they're old enough to find it and get into it (which would be very bad!) and they need to start learning to be responsible about alcohol. I he doesn't like it, he can move out. This also means that you'll have to follow the same rule.

3- Give him a deadline. You let him move in to help him out, but it's just not working out. He has until a certain date to move out (give him a few months).

I understand that you don't want to be aggressive and thats fine. But don't be afraid of being assertive. Stand up for you and your family :)

Raising his rent is exactly what you shold do. My brother lives with me and i couldn't get him to clean to save my life. So i raised his rent. He had a hard time keeping up with his bills and complained and I told him that if he didn't feel like pitching in around the house, he is paying for "maid" service. That turned him around (for a little bit anyway).

A., it's time to quit enabling him. Talk with your husband and set up a plan that you will both abide by. The fact that you mentioned the alcohol is a huge tipoff that you are enabling an alcoholic. Tell your BIL that he has one month to find a new place to live. If he wants to continue to live with you, alcohol is NOT allowed in your house. Coming home at 2am is not allowed in your house. He will pay rent, he will clean the bathroom once a week, etc. Yes, I know, this is going to cause a huge blowup. That's why you and your husband need to be on the same page. Bottom line is BIL will move out. Right now, you and your husband area actually helping him to ruin his life. I'm guessing you don't want that on your conscience so set up some boundaries, stick to them and get your life back!

A.,

Why is he still there? If he is not abiding by the terms (implicit) of his residence there (paying off his bills) and is not contributing his fair share, kick him out! It is your home!

If that is not an option, by all means raise his rent. Raise it even higher than the $200. Then he might move out on his own.

i say that is fine, its your home. Either he pitches in, or rent goes up. Nuf said :) good luck

Dear A.,
It's time for your BIL to move out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And move on. Your husband and you need to talk about it and lay the law down. Give the BIL a time table as to his departure (90 days should be sufficient, with no rent charged so he can save up to move out). It's time for you to have your life and home back under your control. After all it IS YOUR HOME. Not your BIL's. What I have observed with these kinds of arrangements, is that they never work out well for anyone. So help your BIL be the man he can be and send him on his way. You are only helping him remain a crippled human being. He's an adult he can learn to take care of himself or not that's his choice. You have fulfilled your part of the bargain, now it's his turn to help himself. And if he is using his money to buy booze instead of paying off his obligations you don't need that in your home, and you have to take into consideration your own children. What are they seeing????????? That they can act anyway they want and have someone bail them out? Think of your children and your own family dinamic. That's what you are obligated to do, not help someone who obviously just wants someone to take care of him so that he doesn't have to take care of himself.
Just my thoughts on what I have witnessed in the past. Take care and God bless.

A. J

I'm going to assume both you and your husband have sat down with him together and spoken about this and how you feel about this. That being said... I DO think it's wise to raise rent $200. Rent rises occasionally. HOWEVER, I would set this aside for him each month *Don't tell him this is what you're doing*, and in a few months, use it to get him his own apartment. Then he can live however he'd like and you and your husband can have your home back, and your life will be restored to some semblance of normalcy.

if you are helping him get on his feet there should be a time line for how long he will be there. and a set date for moving out, otherwise as you can see you just end up enabling him to continue to not be responsible.
Sit down with your DH and decide what the BIL should be doing, he's living there paying rent but what does that include? his room? maid services? write it out specifically what it will cost for him to get the maid services, or if not the things he needs to do to not be charged those charges and let him know that if he misses the cleaning he will be charged if you do (a higher rate than if he just says I am not going to what are you charging, a per time use is always more expensive) and that if he doesn't pay that with his rent he has a week to move out (or whatever time frame you set up) and follow through, that is why you and DH need to sit down and figure out as a team what the two of you expect from the situation, work out any issues the two of you have that aren't on the same page before you ever approach your BIL.
and make a contract, have him sign it, and let him know that you have not problem putting his stuff outside if he doesn't pay on time etc.
I agree that doing this will help your kids see you can't just mooch in life, and it will also stop your BIL from staying stagnant, if he wants to stay lazy and get sued etc. well then those will be his choices, you have given him a chance at a second start--but if he doesn't want to utilize it you can't change him but you can stop enabling.
good luck.

It is your husband's place to get his brother to contribute more. He is the only one who can do it, and it appears that he is the one who needs the help. Does your husband feel as strongly about this as you do? The $200. should be a given, since he can afford it now, and that is on top of the chores. He and your husband can work on them together. Why are you the one that is most concerned about this and thinking it is your job to solve the problem?
It is always the job of the related family member to do the communicating.
It seems like your husband is a very loving and supportive person. He may think he is being loving and supportive of his brother, but in his case he is encouraging him to take advantage of all of you.
Good luck!
Elisabeth H

You and your husband have done everything you can do for him. He has to be a big boy now and move on. Give him an eviction notice like you would do with any other tennant. You decide how long you want to give him (3 days, 10 days) If he doesn't take it seriouisly you may have to take him to court, but do it, or he will never respect you.

A.,

I am wondering if that $200 could go towards a service to clean the house. You have your hands full & it looks like you have been doing enough of the cleaning & don't have any more mental or physical energy for cleaning more. It looks like he is taking advantage of his rent in exchange for your cleaning. But if he were at his own place, he would still have to clean. Pitching in more money sounds like it will only leave you more frustrated bc. you'll still be cleaning up after him. It will also encourage the exchange of him treating your place like a hotel. It sounds like you want that exchange to stop & you want to feel more communal support if he is going to stay.

I had a BIL come for 10 days & he was the same as this. He would sit/sleep on the couch all day & not lift a finger. I started leaving my clean, unfolded laundry on the couch so that he couldn't monopolize our family room like that. It worked like a charm. Although he took to dozing in the nearby chair, at least he wasn't horizontal.

You have been quite patient. Respecting your boundaries is key to your own sanity as well as necessary for showing your kids how to take care of themselves in a sustainable manner. You are allowed to set boundaries. It may feel aggressive at first if you are setting a new boundary but the rewards are worth it. And it will get easier as you flex this muscle more.

In regards to the alcohol, it sounds like he is not using your generosity as a stepping stone to getting better & I know how tough it can be to get tough on someone who is falling apart. I agree with the other posters. Your generosity might be enabling him & hurting more than helping.

Good luck with the talk. It might not be comfortable, but the outcome will be.
K.