Adult Sons Girlfriend

Updated on January 04, 2011
L.S. asks from Salem, NH
19 answers

My 25 year old son who lives with me, had his 19 yr old girlfriend move in with us last year...She lived with us for 3 or 4 months before she even graduated HS...I have never seen, heard from or met her parents, which I also have a problem with that scene. I did have sympathy for her when I found out her mom had her at 14. While living with me, she NEVER helped around here at ALL, never paid a dime to help me out (I by the way had just filed bankruptcy & lost my job the following month). Im a single mom also supporting my youngest in college. I have tried on numerous occassions, to get along with her but the girl has no personality, no manners, no initiative, no common sense! I have tried to be positive & set a good example like trying to teach her to cook...NO INTEREST....she is also a chain smoker and every a.m. I am woken up to hear her in the bathroom gagging on what she says is post nasal drip...They moved out last Sept, only to move back in with me this Sept., only for a month...yeah right...& with their dog, I have no problem with the dog, even tho Im the one who takes care of it...after 3-4 months of the same scenario...I told him she had to go...she is still here when she gets off of work & my son gets home, spends the nite & leaves if/when she has to work or he does...he doesnt understand why I dislike her so....& I dont like harboring negative feelings but cannot deal with this situation...any suggestions?????

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So What Happened?

Thank you to everyone who commented with suggestions....yes I am being an enabler, and its up to ME to stop & put my foot down...I have realized over the last year or so, that by the more we do for our children, usually thinking were being a good mom and out of the kindness of our hearts....doesnt really help them grow to be usally just allows them to become more dependent on you...some cases maybe so but kids now a days....just dont get it...I think we all try to help our children as much as possible, unfortunatley sometimes to our own demise...I am going to sit my son down & explain to him why I feel like I do & that she is no longer allowed to spend the nite...I am going to allow him 3 months to save up and find a place of his own....i hate to get the law involved but if need be, so be it...I just hope it doesnt come down to that....Im not good with this tough love stuff but have to start somewhere! thanx again all~

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answers from St. Cloud on

Just tell them BOTH they need to find somewhere else to live. He's 25! And in an "adult" relationship. He is a grown man. Wants to act like one. And now needs to take responsibility like one!

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7 moms found this helpful


answers from Modesto on

I like Amy J's answer. Use total sarcasm on both of them and get them out. Sarcastic truth works on most people I've found.

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2 moms found this helpful

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answers from Dallas on

TELL THEM LEAVE. I fully believe our jobs, as parents never ends. However, it should change at certain ages. It doesn't sound like you're job changed once he became an adult. They are old enough to be on their own. You should not be allowing this behavior, mooching, disrespect...from grown your own home. Time for them to move on and be adults. They will always act like this. He needs to be on his own, he's an adult, and he will never act like one if he lives with mom.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Milwaukee on

You have gone above and beyond in trying to get along w/ the female leech. It's time to cut her off and give her the boot. She is no longer welcome, even for a visit, in your house. She shows you no respect. While talking about respect, your son has none for you. It's time he developed some. Give him a one month warning and then out he goes. The warning isn't about him changing, it's about giving him one month to find a place. Tough love is still love. You are raising a future husband and father. He needs to start moving in that direction and away from being a child who lives off his mommy.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Cloud on

Just tell them BOTH they need to find somewhere else to live. He's 25! And in an "adult" relationship. He is a grown man. Wants to act like one. And now needs to take responsibility like one!

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

Time for son and g/f to move out.

I'm all about helping out my adult daughter so she knows she always has a place to go if things go sour but house rules are house rules - no matter the age.

You have to set the ground rules and enforce them, even if it means kicking them both to the curb. They sound kind of like leaches, sorry.

It's your house, your life, and your happiness. Own it.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

My friend had the exact same situation with her adult kid. She was nice, gave her daughter time, talked to her daughter, NOTHING worked. Her daughter did nothing around the house, no financial contribution, just attitude and kept bringing in loser boyfriends. So, finally what my friend ended up doing was going to her local district court and getting an eviction notice. I think her kid had like 30 days to find a place and move out. This worked out great. Now daughter is a self-supporting, respectful 28 years old. Call up your local court and find out the procedures....then do it.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Williamsport on

Good work trying so hard and being nice, but technically neither of them should be living with you at these ages unless it's for college or something, but it's your choice to let your son and you have NO OBLIGATION to the girl.

At this point, the girlfriend's personality is not your job to attack or defend. You should give your son the, "I love your girlfriend, I think she's a super fantastic individual, so pretty and thoughtful and generous and together, and I can see why you're nuts about her, and I'll really miss her company, but she's got to go. If you don't get rid of her by X date (sunup tomorrow), you'll have to go too. Please stop running over me like this, you're an adult and this is my house."
At the same time you'll have to make arrangements for the dog even though you don't mind it, it's forming an anchor to your house if you are taking care of it. Tough love momma. This girl was poorly raised, it's not your fault! It must be so hard, but you're suffering, put your foot down!

You should also let her know directly: "Hi, So and so, I want you to know I really have loved having you here, you're such a nice wonderful girl and make my son so happy, I want the best for you and I'll really miss you, but you have to go. Now. And I cant' take care of your dog anymore" That way, when you've put your foot down to them both face to face, there should be no surprise a couple days later when the locks are changed. You can do it now or later. It will be hard no matter what!

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

Why are you letting them live there at all? Your 25 year old son is way too old to be living with mommy -especially with his lazy girlfriend in tow. You're allowing all of this, so if you want it to stop -then stop allowing it. Tell him he needs to find an apartment. You're not a maid or a dogsitter and you don't need to keep enabling him on whatever issue it is he has with being self-sufficient. You don't even have to "attack" or go off on the girlfriend -just let him know that they're in an adult relationship and it's time to move out and stay out. You'll never change her and you're only going to ruin your entire relationship with your son, because sooner or later you're going to get so sick of it you snap! You're his mom and you'll always love him, but loving him doesn't mean still playing mommy and financially supporting him/providing him with a place to live when he's well into adulthood.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

You are enabling both of them (though you have a good heart!), which is only going to make life harder for them. Get them out of the house already and don't let them move back in. Make them pay rent/utilities, chores and purchase and make their own meals until the agreed upon move in date, which will be set for 2 months (plenty of time to find job/place to live).

Once that day hits, they are out... out!

Dr. Phil has some great advice and episodes about adult 'moochers':

watch the episode and scroll down the page for more links to advice..

I love this piece:
"Think about the true meaning of help.
There is an old saying: "Those for whom you do the most, wind up resenting you the worst." Are you really helping your kids if you're not showing them how the real world works? Parents need to redefine what it means to help someone. Look at your motivation for helping your children. If you are doing it to feel better about yourself, then you probably don't have your child's best interest in mind. You don't help people by taking away their self-sufficiency, pride of accomplishment and achievement. Children need to take an initiative and find ways to achieve their goals on their own. If something is important enough for your children, they will find a way to make it happen."

from here:

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Pocatello on

oh man tough situation. As harsh as it sounds I thinks it's about time for some tough love. I mean your son is 25 so why is he still living with you? Is he in college? Or working? I could maybe see if he is in college full time that it can be hard to also work full time and therefor support yourself but I did it. Me and my hubby were married at 21 still in school and worked when we could. We never lived with our parents and we didn't have to take loans either.....we just worked really hard. So if i were you I would tell your son that if he wants his girlfriend around all the time he needs to find a place of his own for him and her. And if he still wants to live with you then set some stricter rules. Like she can't spend the night or get ready at your house. She can come over and hang out but no dog and no smoking in the house. And she can't be hanging out in the house when he is not there....there is no reason for her to be in your house if your son is gone. That will limit the amount of time she is hanging around and if she and your son have a problem with all these new rules then they can find a place of their own. Also if you don't feel right about talking to her about this just talk to your son and then he can tell her all the new rules. You don't own her anything and therefor he can be the one to explain all this to her. Good luck and put your foot down!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

This is hard. I understand you want to help and support your son and it is very generous for you to also want to help his GF- but I think you need to get some more information and establish some rules before this goes on any longer.

1) meet this girl's parents. Make that a condition of her staying in your home. You may find that they are ignorant or even abusive people and that you have helped their daughter out of a toxic enviornment by allowing her to stay with you.

Or- you might find that they are reasonable people, but at their wit's end, unable to control their daughter or do anything to encourage her to better behavior. But until you speak to them yourself and make your own judgement with your own first-hand information, you can't really know if this girl needs help from you- or is just taking advantage of you when her parents finally insisted she grow up.

2) Your home = your rules. If you don't like the smoking, then the rule is she goes outside to the porch to smoke. My dad is a smoker and when he visits he goes outside to smoke. It is totally reasonable. If the GF can't go along with your rules, she can't stay in your house.

3) She - and your son- must BOTH have jobs and contribute something to the household budget.Even if they are full-time students, they can get part time work on campus or waitressing, etc. To me, this would be non-negotiable. I am not saying you have to charge them full rent= but they should be able to kick in a couple hundred bucks towards food and utility bills each month and it would still be a huge break from having to pay for an apartment. If they are serious about staying at your place, they need to be serious about contributing like grown-ups.

3) Same thing goes for housework, etc. If they live in the house, they also need to be cleaning up after themselves and helping with washing dishes, etc.

Again- for me, these rules would be non-negotiable. They have already tried to leave and do it on their own once and come back because it didn't work out. Just because you are helping them both out,does not mean they are CHILDREN.

Being the parent of an adult is not the same as parenting a child. You still love your child- but you are not doing your son any favors by totally enabling him and his GF in a slacker lifestyle. They may not be ready to be totally on their own yet- but the only way they will EVER get ready is if someone makes them start to take responsibility.

If your son feels you are being too hard on his GF or not supportive enough, I would tell him," You know I will always love you and want to help you. But now that you are grown, just giving you a free ride is NOT really helping you. I want you to grow and learn to be responsible for yourself. But also, the reality is that I cannot afford to support you and your GF financially. I will help you and give you a place to stay, but you need to follow my rules and it will only work if you both contribute. Otherwise, there just will not be enough money for me to even keep this apartment."

They are big kids now- time to stop enabling. It will be hard, but in the end, your son and his GF will be better off and so will you. good luck!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Boca Raton on

Yes, stop enabling adults to behave so poorly . . .

I'm a parent with a mom's heart, so I know that it is easier said than done.

If it were me they would have one month to find a place to live (yes my grown son too), and then the locks would be changed with stuff secured in a garage for pick-up.

They don't respect your house, your time or your resources. And why would they? They haven't had to.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

You don't get to pick your son's girlfriends; you do get to choose how you will continue to live. We all have to take responsibility for out part in our own situations. If I'm not mistaken, this is what you are wanting both your son and his girlfriend to do.

Your son doesn't understand why this is a problem because it's not his problem, at least for now. What was their place like when it was just the two of them? That, as well as your past experience with this lovely young woman, should have informed your present decision. Or you also had the option of doing what you are doing now, in only "allowing" your son to stay, once you allowed the girlfriend to move back in, too, it's not going to be easy to get her back out.

You need to have him hand back his keys. "My house, my rules. I told you I didn't want her living here. As you don't seem to want to respect or understand this, you need to leave as well. You have until "x" to find a new place and move out."

And then, stick with it. If he decides he really does need to live with you, then he needs to visit the girlfriend outside of evenings at your house. No sleepovers. Period. They wanted to play house without having the resources to deal with the responsibility of real bills, and they want you to help them keep that fantasy alive. Time to burst their bubble!

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answers from Austin on

Rent should be at least $300. per person.
Electricity each person pays 1/3, Gas 1/3, cable 1/3.. This is every month..
Laundry service $100. per month, dog care, $200. per month, House keeping.. we paid $15. per hour for a house keeper..

If they do not pay on the date agreed upon, they are out.

You are in charge of this situation. Speak up and state your rules or else, do not complain about them.. They are not your responsibility..

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

Have you told your son what you don't like? It sounds like he has to go too, he doesn't respect your wishes. If she is spending the night technically she is still living at your house.

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answers from Amarillo on

Would you let total strangers do the same things to you as your son and his gf have? No I don't think so. It is time to put them out and change the locks. Tell them they have x time to be out or their stuff will be at the curb for pick up and move on with your life. You can't plan for any thing in the future with them hanging around.

Have you ever wondered why momma birds push their young out of the nest? Now you know why, it's time for them to live their own lives without you.

Good luck.

The other S.

PS Once you make the decision do not go back on it even if you want to. Be tough and stick to the plan.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Redding on

The first thing that comes to mind is that your son is an adult. Yes, people have fallen on hard times, but it appears neither he or his girlfriend are being respectful. I can see you maybe helping your son out, but his girlfriend? No way. Never.
They can't afford to keep a place to live, but have acquired a dog on top of it. It doesn't sound like they are being responsible or realistic.
It's time to take your house back. They may not like it now, but in the long run it's best for them. I think you know that.

I lived across the street from an old woman who required live in care. All the neighbors adored her and visited her. Her family hired a woman to live-in, but her mental health really declined. She was convinced everyone was trying to poison her and she would start throwing away food that even her own family had brought for her. Other arrangements had to be made because she just wasn't able to be in her own home anymore. The woman who they hired found herself with no job and nowhere to live. She was a nice person and I felt sorry for her. She asked if she could stay with me and my kids for a few days until the agency could place her somewhere else or she found an apartment.
A few days turned into a few weeks. I was a single mom and although she did help with food and groceries, it wasn't easy having another person in the house. It was clear she wasn't looking for another place and she wasn't even looking for another job. The real kicker came when I had plans one evening and when I got home, she was waiting up. She verbally attacked me because I had taken my car keys with me. I didn't let her drive my car, but she assumed since I wouldn't be needing it, I would have left the keys for her and she was PISSED. That's when I knew it couldn't go on anymore.
I called my landlord and asked for a "favor". I explained the situation and they sent me a certified letter saying that it had come to their attention I had someone living with me that wasn't named on the lease and without prior approval. I had 7 days to remove the person or they would begin eviction proceedings as I was in violation of my lease agreement.
My landlord never would have thrown me out over it, hell, I told on myself for having her there and wanted her out, but SHE didn't know that.
At first, she was like, "They can't do this to you. You need to call an attorney and fight for your rights." I said, "What rights? I'm not supposed to have anyone else living here and you were only going to be here for a few days. I can't afford an attorney to fight for you to be here and I can't afford for me and the kids to get kicked out."
She was gone two days later.

I don't know what relationship you have with your landlord or if what I did is an option, but my plan sure worked in my case. It took the decision and time frame out of my hands. I have no regrets about doing it that way.
You might have to get creative and find a way for them to get "evicted" without them knowing it's really coming from you if you can't be tough or at this point they wouldn't take you seriously even if you did.

I hope you find a solution.

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answers from Modesto on

I like Amy J's answer. Use total sarcasm on both of them and get them out. Sarcastic truth works on most people I've found.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

She has no manners or sense of responsibility or gratitude, because she wasn't raised that way. You have no way of knowing what's really going on with her mother - yes, her mom was 14 and that's not a good scene. Perhaps the daughter left because the mother (or father) was terrible, or perhaps because they expected her to actually grow up and do things like chores. She left and came to you because it's easier and because your son had sympathy for her.

No one can take advantage of you without your permission. She smokes in your house because you allow it (even if you object to it, there are no consequences for her). You try to teach her to cook, which is a good thought, but she's just reaping the benefits without getting the message that you expect her to pitch in. Your son isn't much better - he is 25 and not insisting that she be decent, and he's adding to your expense. You tell him she has to go, but he doesn't make it happen. They don't have money for a place, but they have money for a dog and cigarettes? Hmmmmmm.

Draw the line, give them exactly 2 days to pay you money or do assigned chores, and ban the smoking. And stop walking and feeding their dog. If they balk, kick her out (or kick them both out if necessary) and change the locks. It's less expensive than what you are doing now. If you don't have a backbone, how can you expect them to develop into responsible adults?? It really doesn't matter whether or not he understands why you dislike her - it's your house, your rules. It's enough that you are supporting him. He should be paying you rent if he works and has money for a dog and a leech of a girlfriend. He's using you too, and you're not helping him to grow up by permitting it to continue.

Take care of yourself - no one else is going to do that.

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answers from Boston on

What does your son do? 25 is too old to be still living at home. They need to move out and get their own apartment as soon as possible, or share a house or apartment with other roomates, similar to themselves. If she will not move then you are going to need to get legal advice. If you go to one of the Family and Probate Courts, you can talk with a day lawyer for free.

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