19 answers

Adult Sons Girlfriend

My 25 year old son who lives with me, had his 19 yr old girlfriend move in with us last year...She lived with us for 3 or 4 months before she even graduated HS...I have never seen, heard from or met her parents, which I also have a problem with that scene. I did have sympathy for her when I found out her mom had her at 14. While living with me, she NEVER helped around here at ALL, never paid a dime to help me out (I by the way had just filed bankruptcy & lost my job the following month). Im a single mom also supporting my youngest in college. I have tried on numerous occassions, to get along with her but the girl has no personality, no manners, no initiative, no common sense! I have tried to be positive & set a good example like trying to teach her to cook...NO INTEREST....she is also a chain smoker and every a.m. I am woken up to hear her in the bathroom gagging on what she says is post nasal drip...They moved out last Sept, only to move back in with me this Sept., only for a month...yeah right...& with their dog, I have no problem with the dog, even tho Im the one who takes care of it...after 3-4 months of the same scenario...I told him she had to go...she is still here when she gets off of work & my son gets home, spends the nite & leaves if/when she has to work or he does...he doesnt understand why I dislike her so....& I dont like harboring negative feelings but cannot deal with this situation...any suggestions?????

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you to everyone who commented with suggestions....yes I am being an enabler, and its up to ME to stop & put my foot down...I have realized over the last year or so, that by the more we do for our children, usually thinking were being a good mom and out of the kindness of our hearts....doesnt really help them grow to be independent...it usally just allows them to become more dependent on you...some cases maybe so but kids now a days....just dont get it...I think we all try to help our children as much as possible, unfortunatley sometimes to our own demise...I am going to sit my son down & explain to him why I feel like I do & that she is no longer allowed to spend the nite...I am going to allow him 3 months to save up and find a place of his own....i hate to get the law involved but if need be, so be it...I just hope it doesnt come down to that....Im not good with this tough love stuff but have to start somewhere! thanx again all~

Featured Answers

Just tell them BOTH they need to find somewhere else to live. He's 25! And in an "adult" relationship. He is a grown man. Wants to act like one. And now needs to take responsibility like one!

7 moms found this helpful

I like Amy J's answer. Use total sarcasm on both of them and get them out. Sarcastic truth works on most people I've found.

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers

TELL THEM LEAVE. I fully believe our jobs, as parents never ends. However, it should change at certain ages. It doesn't sound like you're job changed once he became an adult. They are old enough to be on their own. You should not be allowing this behavior, mooching, disrespect...from grown people...in your own home. Time for them to move on and be adults. They will always act like this. He needs to be on his own, he's an adult, and he will never act like one if he lives with mom.

10 moms found this helpful

You have gone above and beyond in trying to get along w/ the female leech. It's time to cut her off and give her the boot. She is no longer welcome, even for a visit, in your house. She shows you no respect. While talking about respect, your son has none for you. It's time he developed some. Give him a one month warning and then out he goes. The warning isn't about him changing, it's about giving him one month to find a place. Tough love is still love. You are raising a future husband and father. He needs to start moving in that direction and away from being a child who lives off his mommy.

8 moms found this helpful

Time for son and g/f to move out.

I'm all about helping out my adult daughter so she knows she always has a place to go if things go sour but house rules are house rules - no matter the age.

You have to set the ground rules and enforce them, even if it means kicking them both to the curb. They sound kind of like leaches, sorry.

It's your house, your life, and your happiness. Own it.

7 moms found this helpful

Just tell them BOTH they need to find somewhere else to live. He's 25! And in an "adult" relationship. He is a grown man. Wants to act like one. And now needs to take responsibility like one!

7 moms found this helpful

My friend had the exact same situation with her adult kid. She was nice, gave her daughter time, talked to her daughter, NOTHING worked. Her daughter did nothing around the house, no financial contribution, just attitude and kept bringing in loser boyfriends. So, finally what my friend ended up doing was going to her local district court and getting an eviction notice. I think her kid had like 30 days to find a place and move out. This worked out great. Now daughter is a self-supporting, respectful adult...at 28 years old. Call up your local court and find out the procedures....then do it.

6 moms found this helpful

Good work trying so hard and being nice, but technically neither of them should be living with you at these ages unless it's for college or something, but it's your choice to let your son and you have NO OBLIGATION to the girl.

At this point, the girlfriend's personality is not your job to attack or defend. You should give your son the, "I love your girlfriend, I think she's a super fantastic individual, so pretty and thoughtful and generous and together, and I can see why you're nuts about her, and I'll really miss her company, but she's got to go. If you don't get rid of her by X date (sunup tomorrow), you'll have to go too. Please stop running over me like this, you're an adult and this is my house."
At the same time you'll have to make arrangements for the dog even though you don't mind it, it's forming an anchor to your house if you are taking care of it. Tough love momma. This girl was poorly raised, it's not your fault! It must be so hard, but you're suffering, put your foot down!

You should also let her know directly: "Hi, So and so, I want you to know I really have loved having you here, you're such a nice wonderful girl and make my son so happy, I want the best for you and I'll really miss you, but you have to go. Now. And I cant' take care of your dog anymore" That way, when you've put your foot down to them both face to face, there should be no surprise a couple days later when the locks are changed. You can do it now or later. It will be hard no matter what!

6 moms found this helpful

Why are you letting them live there at all? Your 25 year old son is way too old to be living with mommy -especially with his lazy girlfriend in tow. You're allowing all of this, so if you want it to stop -then stop allowing it. Tell him he needs to find an apartment. You're not a maid or a dogsitter and you don't need to keep enabling him on whatever issue it is he has with being self-sufficient. You don't even have to "attack" or go off on the girlfriend -just let him know that they're in an adult relationship and it's time to move out and stay out. You'll never change her and you're only going to ruin your entire relationship with your son, because sooner or later you're going to get so sick of it you snap! You're his mom and you'll always love him, but loving him doesn't mean still playing mommy and financially supporting him/providing him with a place to live when he's well into adulthood.

6 moms found this helpful

You are enabling both of them (though you have a good heart!), which is only going to make life harder for them. Get them out of the house already and don't let them move back in. Make them pay rent/utilities, chores and purchase and make their own meals until the agreed upon move in date, which will be set for 2 months (plenty of time to find job/place to live).

Once that day hits, they are out... out!

Dr. Phil has some great advice and episodes about adult 'moochers':
http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/29/

watch the episode and scroll down the page for more links to advice..

I love this piece:
"Think about the true meaning of help.
There is an old saying: "Those for whom you do the most, wind up resenting you the worst." Are you really helping your kids if you're not showing them how the real world works? Parents need to redefine what it means to help someone. Look at your motivation for helping your children. If you are doing it to feel better about yourself, then you probably don't have your child's best interest in mind. You don't help people by taking away their self-sufficiency, pride of accomplishment and achievement. Children need to take an initiative and find ways to achieve their goals on their own. If something is important enough for your children, they will find a way to make it happen."

from here:
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/138

5 moms found this helpful

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