Being the Mom

I agree with what a lot of the other ladies have said. My husband wants to help, but didn't have a good role model. I suggest making lists. Make a nighttime list, make a morning list, make a bathtime list. I put a post-it note on the garage door for a while, so "we" would see it every day as we went out the door. I also made a list of things that have to be done every single night in order to get ready for the next day. I put it on the inside of the cabinet. My husband is more than willing to help out and he does what he thinks I would like, and he just misses the mark. For example, he thinks helping me is putting a load of laundry in for me on a weeknight. But that's all he does. Then, I'm faced with a wet load of laudry to dry, fold and put away. It's a very nice gesture, because he tries so hard. I also agree with expressing yourself clearly, "Honey, I'll be home late tonight, you need to feed the kids. There's a frozen pizza in the freezer. Get their backpacks ready. You need sort through the paper, stack it on the cabinet and I read it, put in a change of clothes, etc." I would take offense if someone had to tell me what to do in detail. I think he appreciates it. It's very clear what is needed. Everyone knows when mama isn't happy, NOBODY is happy! Ha! Ha! Good luck. It will work out. P.S. Don't expect him to remember what needs to be done. If he does the bathtime routine in December, he won't remember the details in January. You'll have to cover it again. And someday, you're kids will able to tell him what needs to be done. That's what my 5 year old daughter does now.

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I really understand how you feel. Before my husband and I had children we both loved to travel we would take vacations at least 3 times a year (birthdays, spring break and summer vacations).
After the boys came along we continued to go on vacation. My husband continues to love to travel. However, now we travel with our young children. I don't want to go anywhere anymore. I work harder on vacation than I work at home. So, now It seems there is no place I can go for rest and relaxations. My life is about cooking, serving and cleaning.LOL
I get most of my relaxation on my out of the home fulltime employment. At least hear I get a lunch hour and I can sit down.
Sorry to sound so depressing.

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Greetings Dear A.,

You are AMAZING! You are GREAT! You are WONDERFUL! What you do for your family is so valuable and important. Keep up the GOOD work. I am proud that you are taking care of your family. I am also proud of you for recognizing you need to make changes in your life and are following through with it. Much success to you in school!

Sounds like you need take a little time out for yourself; A nice hot bath, a nice cup of tea or coffee, read a book snuggled up in bed, prepare a little treat just for you,
or anything else that you could do to pamper yourself.
Find something to do that gives you pleasure. Pleasure is what helps to keep your mind, body and spirit in vibrant health and well-being.

Celebrate your AMAZING, WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL self!!!
Give thanks and praises you are able to do all that you do.
I dread to think what life would be like for your family without you.
Take good care of yourself!!!

Have a FANTASTIC day!
Wishing you and your family the best Holiday ever!!!

With love, peace and joy,
S.

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I read the other responses and they have already covered anything else I would have said...except this.

Whenever we are watching the Super Bowl, Rose Bowl, award shows, etc...the "kid" always says "Hi Mom!." This would drive my husband crazy! I told him because it was his Mom who drove him to practice at six in the morning; Mom who made sure his uniform was always clean; Mom who was always in the stands/audience cheering him on, etc. You may think your work is thankless...but there will come a day when your kid(s) look back and realize what you did for them. It may not be anything as grand as the Super Bowl or the Academy Awards...but there will be a day when it comes back to you. I saw an interview with Michael Phelps yesterday (multi-Olympic gold medal winner) and he said the best thing that has come out of his fame is that his mother is finally getting rewarded for all of the sacrifices she made to get him where he is. She couldn't even respond...she just welled up with tears and said "I was just trying to be a good parent."
Hang in there...it is all worth it!

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Totally understand. I feel the same way. I stay at home, but so does my husband since he's been laid off.

He'd probably help out more if you give him specific tasks to do and I learned I needed to be more assertive in asking and insisting on time away so he has to take care of the little one for a couple of hours at a time.

It's so hard because guys just aren't nuturers like we are -

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BE PROUD... I have learned that the little bit of time I actually take to look after myself goes a long way. Sister Mommas need to take care of each other, too... you go girl and take classes and get out of retail. I just lost my retail job in May and love being the at home mom. We are growing my husbands business, so I help him out an hour or two a day, but we are both home and the kids love it. It's a lot of togetherness, but I make sure I take time for myself, even if it is at 7 a.m. prior to everyone getting up!!!

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I'm pretty sure that if you looked up Mom in the dictionary it would say "the one who does everything for her kids and ends up overwhelmed sometimes". Take a breath and go see a movie or something! :D I'll go with you!

S.

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I've been where you are. Glad you are going to do something for yourself. Being a mom takes a lot out of you. You had hoped for hubby to pick up half these responsibilites and he doesn't see it. It's hard. Hang in there. Your kids will be forever grateful. You're doing a good job! Try to talk to hubby sometime when neither of you are angry and tell him how you feel without putting him down. It's worth a shot! Meantime, give yourself a hug. You deserve it!

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Dear A., this will probably be unwanted advice, but here goes. Men are truely not geared to think that way. Their minds have been geared by God for different things. Women are geared to think that way and that's why we do most of those things. And most women spoil their husbands, and kids, then wonder why they don't think like we do more! Sorry, it's true. The best advice I have to give you is this: Tell your husband the things you'd like help with(they aren't mind readers!), that goes for the kids too. If you ask for their help, don't tell them they are doing it wrong, or redo what they've just done to help. Concentrate on the positive things! Search out 5 positive things about your spouse every day. It helps to keep the negative things from festering! I've been there, done that and had to fight long and hard to keep my marriage going (with my husband's help). Like I said, it's probably unwanted advice( it goes against all of the current thinking), but it works! I hope this gives you an alternative thought, L.

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It's true.. us mom's do more than men most times. It's easy to get overwhelmed. Sometimes I think it helps to remember though that if I didn't have my husband around I'd do even MORE! I do find it important to delegate too though like the other mom's have said. I also find it crucial for me to get out even for an hour or so a week BY MYSELF to recoup and have some me time.

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I can say I feel the same way and I know many others out there do also. I hope getting it out makes you feel better. Maybe you can try to change it. I have tried but it never sticks. Maybe you will have better luck than I did.

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I totally understand how you feel. Just last weekend we went somewhere and when we got to the place I realized that my boyfriend didn't think to grab a blanket for the baby when he took her to the car. It goes on her carseat EVERY DAY, you'd think he'd remember! But nope. I know he didn't do it on purpose but I was still upset. Why do we have to remember everything? Why do we have to make things run smoothly?

A big part of that answer, for me at least, lies in my inability to give up responsibility. I tend to think the worst: I just *know* he'll forget to bring a blanket, so I always grab it. I just *know* he'll forget to pack her diapers, so I do it. I just *know* he'll never take the initiative to give her a bath at night, so I do it. So he just doesn't think of it. I've tried to remind myself that I need help too, but since I've been doing it all he doesn't know that. I had to sit down with him and tell him this though... in very specific detail, no less. I suggest you do this. You never know, he might surprise you! :)

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A.,

I have to agree with the other post that you have to tell your husband what you need from him, and you will need to keep telling him until he understands. LOL

My husband is usually more than willing to help but I need to ask/tell him. He is incapable of taking a hint too, so that never worked very well for me and would just make me frustrated.

Also don't expect him to just look around and notice things to do on his own. I don't know why but men just don't see things that way. Also I have noticed my husband helps but does one thing at a time, he is not a multi tasker.

Good luck.

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Oh I so agree!!! I work full time midnights..and still I am the only one that drives back and forth to preschool, speech doctors appt's, wakes up with the baby on my few nights off, cooks all the meals, shops,wraps, etc...
And I have to hear how he is tired! He comes home from work and is on the couch for the rest of the night-after he has had like 8 hours of sleep! I barely get 2 after working all night!
Ughhh...you are so not alone!

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In nature they are the hunter gatherers, we are the multi tasking nurturers...
But as in nature there are the exceptions... The lionesses actually do the hunting while the male does the protecting... And if you really want to get mad at hubby watch March of the Penguins... THOSE dads go for over 4 months with NO food for their babys...:-)
We all get overwhelmed at some point (or many points)in our relationships. Just keep focusing on the positive and communicate. Men don't know what we need unless we tell them. And expect to have to tell him at least 3 times.
Mark Gungor has a great explenation of the differences between men and women on his tale of two brains DVD. It is sooo funny!!! A DEF watch! Laughter is great medicine and draws 2 people closer. So get a copy and sit with hubby to view it. I got the 4 dvd set from his web site and have passed it around to my whole family...:-)
Breathe deeply, drink some tea and take a hot bath (door locked, no kids in the bathroom)

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A.,

I feel like that sometimes too. Some days it hits me more than others. I swear sometimes i think that if something were to happen to me right now, my husband would have no clue what to do with certain things. The other day we were having a debate with how much work a mother does with raising the children than men do. I asked him..."do you even know what size shoe our son wears??" by the way he wears and 11 1/2 (he's 4). His response was "ya! a size 5!!" To which I replied "my point exactly".

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yep i know how it goes my hubby works full time and reffs high school and college sports so i have them all the time and we moms just need time for us but can we get that no because when we do have time for us we think abvout them all the time

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I completely understand. Although my hubby is great and watches our son while I work three days a week, makes the bed every morning, does dishes, and cooks sometimes, I still feel overwhelmed constantly. I work part time, go to school, do all the laundry, clean everyday, and cook almost everyday. I do all the grocery shopping, care for my aunt, do hair on the side, volunteer at church and my daughter's school, do all the Christmas shopping and wrapping. It's just sooooo much!!! I really think that I just need to start saying, "NO!" sometimes. I just can't find it in my heart to do so. Maybe you should start taking a day to pamper yourself. Take a nice bath, go out for coffee or lunch with your friends, or go get a massage or manicure. It would help you so much. I really hope things get better. A Mommy's work is never done. :)

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A., Read "Mars and Venus, together forever" by Dr. Grey. It is so normal to feel this way. If you read it, maybe you can get your husband to read it too.

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I hear ya! I mean, I don't want to complain about my husband, but it must just be the different natures within a mom and dad that makes us think differently about all the things we need to do for our kids! I work 40 hours / week, plus take the kids to gymnastics, and karate. Plus I take college courses, and clean the house, and do EVERYTHING else. My husband is currently working 2 jobs because the one dropped to 30 hours / week. However, combined, it's still only 50 hours / week. Does that mean he has the right to do absolutely nothing else? I was just thinking this morning (as I folded 3 baskets of laundry) that I'll be the one to initiate wrapping all their presents for Christmas, and I'll be the one to end up doing it all too! Arrrggghhh, yeah it can be frustrating, but I just need to talk to him about it. We've been through this before, and these moments come and go.

Anyway, thanks for your post. lol :)

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you are not alone it is 8:30 sat. morning i am up with the kids and my hubby is in bed sleeping!!
when the two of us are together he never changes a diaper!!
but then i think of what he does do: he fixes the car,fixes the house, helps with laundry
i also work and go to school so i know how you feel, try and take a day and get a manicure or something thats what i am doing next week
good luck

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A. ; hang in there, yes some men can be that way, sometimes they dont know what to do, no one taught them, im not saying you need to teach or be the teacher, just be their partner, partners do things together, and help one another, ask him can you dress the child today, and hand him the clothes he needs to put on them, or whatever you need help with , just ask, if they cant do it, work together, and try to see if he can help lighten your load, but to just say that he may still not get it, tell him what you need him to do . could h elp too, otherwise just enjoy life, and we women do have more nurturing factors, this does not make the man incapable, this just makes him different, a good book to understand men is men are from mars women from venus, or visa versa but i think you know which book im talking about, try to be partners, and work together, there are some things about men that make them all the same, but a marriage or partner relationship is not 50 /50 if you want it to work both should be helping out 100/100 no room for selfish desires, in a partnered relationship, any way , have a good day and enjoy life, and give yourself a break if you are the only one in future doing these things, take time out, go on a date without the kids, most of the work does fall on us women, just hang in there, and do the best you can, when you need help , ask for it, or tell them what they need to do without mothering your adult partner, D. s ps just wanted to add, us women spend all the time maybe buying the gifts setting up everything, and yet its dad who dresses as maybe santa, and gets credit for the whole thing, yet on the other hand, its dad who spends all the time teaching the little one to play ball, and buying a ball and mitt, and throwing the ball back and forth yet the first thing out of their mouth when in college and on tv is HELLO MOM! just things to think about, life is not fair, yet somehow is balanced out, enjoy life, D. s

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Amen sister. I understand completely. Our son was diagnosed with A Typical Autism almost two years ago. I quit my job and dedicated myself completely to his care and getting him out of his fog. As well as managing the house and all the fun that comes with it. My husband is a consultant and travels. He's gone 90 - 95% of the year. He's been so consumed with work and my son that I finally had to say something to him. A very wise marriage counselor told me a long time ago, men are not mind readers, you need to express yourself. In a nice way, of course.

What's the saying? God doesnt give you what you can't handle. Hang in there. Congrats on returning to school. That is fantastic!

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A.,
You are so right. I did double shift (being mom and dad) to the kids for so many years. And took care of this and that, etc.

Now it's kids are gone, I'm unhappy anyway,have some disability problems and when mr. sweet/generous/such a good guy helpful actually does help, he still manages to mess it up. Ask for Pepsi, he'll get Coke. Ask for this, it won't be what you want. He'll put up the tree, but "it needs to be "fluffed out" (should've been fluffed out before assembling it) and no tasteful way to put the lights on. Gotten very lazy. And I've seen that he actually can do things tastefully.
Time for you to tell someone to pull his share. This is a team. He needs to pay attention, get involved, pull his weight. Otherwise it's unbalanced, unfair, and when that happens people usually go on strike.

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I think almost every woman deals with this to some degree whether you have kids or not. I know I struggle with it sometimes but try not to take it out on your husband. Men are just wired different and don't think of the same things as we do.

My husband and I have a very dear friend who's wife just basically took off one day. I can honestly say he rose to the challenge in raising their 2 kids. Even though she took off and abandoned her kids, it really gave him an appreciation of how much she actually did for the household. I know its hard not to get upset sometimes but you just have to let it go because it really isn't going to change.

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Hey A.... I think we all go through times when we feel that we are SuperMom and Dad doesn't do enough to help. I have learned with my husband that I need to coach him into helping. His father did nothing but earn a paycheck so he didn't have a loving, kind, nuturing relationship there. I needed to learn to ask for help. I even ask for time to myself or with my friends because that is really important to me.

Just remember you married him for a reason and I hope that was that you love him and he is your best friend. Even best friends need to talk every once in a while....

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Hi A.,

As sad as it is to say, I'm glad to hear I'm not alone. I cannot imagine what it is like to be in a parenting relationship where some of these roles and responsibilities are shared. I have a 2-year old daughter and I don't believe my husband has ever given her a bath. If I have to travel out of town for my job, I have to find someone to watch her full time. The list goes on....

Have a wonderful holiday season full of joy, laughter, love, and peace. And, most of all, I hope you have a few moments to dedicate to yourself.

Take care,
K.

I just went through the same thing last night at dinner and finally said, "It would be nice just once, if I could just plopped own, eat and leave.". Then add the holidays and it is a lot when you walk by the one snoring! That said men are wired different as my brother is a single Dad of three and does a good job, but he does things different. Keep up the good work and remember that your kids need you!
Merry Christmas.

I'm right there with you, A.! I can't tell you how long my best friend and I talk about this very subject :) My best advice is to tell your husband, specifically, what you'd like him to be in charge of. Unfortunately, their brains don't seem to be wired like ours. It seems like we, as moms, are always thinking 5 steps ahead. Like I bought my daughter's winter coat and snow pants back in September/October before she needed them. Then when we got our first really cold day, my husband was in a panic, looking for a warm coat and couldn't understand why we couldn't use her coat from last year (she was 1 last year and 2 this year... And he apparently forgot that kids that age tend to grow just a little bit from one year to another...) Anyway, you are most definitely not alone. My husband is a wonderful father but I always find myself as the one that has to remember everything... Again, I suggest by starting with giving him one task and then continue adding to it. This seems to have worked with my husband. And because I approached him in a calm, non-accusatory manner, he responded well to it.

Hi A.!
Wow, Can I totally relate! I am feeling exactly like you are! I also work full-time and am feeling bogged down. My husband doesn't understand either. He keeps asking me about sending out Christmas cards, gifts, etc. I know how hard it is! I just lost a Meijer gift card I received through work. It think it got thrown out with the Sunday paper.
I am trying to be positive. All these things to do!!!!
I also feel overwhelmed. My husband says, "Well, I work full-time too." I'm sorry, in general, women have much more responsibility then men!
Hope you have a Merry Christmas!