12 answers

Husband Refuses to Help with Household

Hi guys. I have great husband and an 11 month old child who is a handful and I work full time in a stressful but rewarding job. My husband simply refuses to do anything around the house though and it is so annoying. He works for himself and works very hard but is ver household lazy. I am up with the baby day and night and do all of the things that need to be tended to and I am extremely tired. After three years of screaming and cutiting out/down on thing I used to do, I told hubby that I will be dragging work home to do so I will be busy and will not have time for most of the household things I used to do. At least I will be compensated for work I do from my job. I told him that I should not be expected to do everything (Including repair work to the house or have to call someone when it needs to be done) taking care of my car and financially contribute 50% of all of the bills if he wants to be a 'traditional' man. My arguement is that he should at least keep the house from virtually falling down and wash a dish because he is an abosolute SLOB. I even got to the stage where I stopped washing his clothing and have threatened to have my tubes tied I told him that because he has so much lip about what traditional roles should be he can keep his own clothing and anything pertaining to his body clean. He tells me about how women way back when took care of the house with no problem and questions why modern women have such difficulty. I told him he sbould have married someone 35 years his senior if he feels that way. I had to re-emply mycleaning lady. My only problem is that he does not even try to maintain the cleanliness when it is clean. It hurts to have to part with that money! Help, any advise would be greatly appreciated. By the way, his friends have the same idiodic ideology.

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

I totally know where you are coming from. My husband isn't as bad with the traditional role talk but I know deep down he thinks it. My sister is also in the same boat. I tell my husband and any other man that thinks his wife is his slave that slavery was abolished long ago. And women 'back then' also didn't work at all usually, they stayed home with the kids and took care of the house. But it was always the man's responsibility to take care of the outside of the house, car and any repairs. I find that my husband can't even be bothered with his own traditional responsibilities but he expects me to take care of mine while running the entire household and my own two businesses. And he expects me to be his own personal secretary for his business. It drives me crazy. I don't have any good advice, sorry. I wish I did. I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one. I have tried nagging, asking nicely, screaming my head off, and nothing has worked. I even tried guilt and he started to help out for a few days and then things went right back to the way they were. If you find something that works let me know.

More Answers

The only advise I can give you is to remind your husband that women back in the day was not expected to earn money and that was a mans job. So if he wants to have a traditional home he has to make all the money and leave YOU in charge of the household. That includes him bringing you the check and you paying the bills. Most men today have been spoiled because they saw they mamma do it all so, they think you suppose to do it too. But that is not the case.
Men "back in the days", took responsibility for the money making and base on one income lived the life of one income. So tell him if he wants you to take care of the house you will quit your job move into a smaller place and he not have freedom like he use to, because a traditional man always was home a 6 pm for dinner Always!!! Men who think about traditional homes don't realize how much power men gave to women. Your home is your pride and joy the place you come to when you want to get away and relax. Tradtitional men only trusted that the wives was the person that knew them the best & could do the job of taking care of their house.
So you let him know that all that and if he is still singing the same toon, just take money out and get a full time maid and nanny. Think like a modern woman and do what you got to do to keep yourself happy.

My god. I think you are married to my husband's twin. lol
Tom is the same way. He doesn't even help me with kids. Then complains if something isn't perfect.
He will clean only if company is coming then complain about how I am not doing my job etc...
I go back to work next year so i am dreading that and I have no idea how I am going to handle that.
Money wise-he's only getting a couple of dollars toward bills ( I will only be working part time retail) I don't drive and I need to change that.
I wish I had some advice for you but I don't. Just know your not the only one

I can't believe your husband is acting that way! That just sounds crazy... He is just being LAZY!! You are doing a lot of work and you have every right to feel tired, worn out, and fed up! I agree with one of the other comments that men are not as good as most women at multi-tasking. So I recommend leaving him a short list on the days you know he will have time to do things... my boyfriend would have no clue if I just asked him to clean the apartment... but when I leave a few simple tasks for him he does much better :) Also maybe you should mention that if you weren't so overwhelmed with doing EVERYTHING around the house, taking care of the baby and working, you might have more time for intimate things. And if none of this works I would consider hiring someone to come and clean once a week or every other week, just to help you out a little :)

My husband is a stay at home dad......I can run circles around him. I have learned that men CANNOT multi-task. My husband runs a successful home-based business but lots of times will complain that he can get nothing done because of the kids. So he will say... Do you want the house clean or the business taken care of??
(tough call since the business pays the bills) Women today almost need superpowers to make in this day and age. Tell your husband that years ago women took care of the household duties because most women years ago did not work outside of the home. Woman today are VERY busy. My husband never realized how much I did in a day until our roles changed. My husband would come home from work and say "what did you do all day?" Now he knows. I have found leaving a to-do list is helpful. If I do not ask my husband to do something it will not get done. Men do not take the initiative like we do. I would make deals with your husband that if does the chores around the house...he will be rewarded (think creatively) (ha-ha) that works in my house. Another thing to think about is what is the worse thing that will happen if the dishes don't get done? (trust me...they will be there in the morning) I would try saying to your husband...lets go do something fun and we will worry about the house work later. Sometimes a positive reverse psychology is helpful. Keep me posted I would love to hear how it is going. www.livegreeneasy.com

Well, women back in the day...mostly stayed home too. If he would like such traditional jobs then you should be at home all day without the stress of a full time job adding to your already hectic day as mom, cook, cleaner etc.
I don't know what I can tell you that would change anything. He obviously grew up with this mind set and all this time later he's not likely to change his ideas or attitudes any. I think it is a convenient excuse for him being lazy or a slob as you stated. *not trying to be harsh* but if he was in a traditional marriage things would be far different. You would not be fixing things up around the house (repairs) he would. You would be staying home and he would be the bread winner.
Will telling him this matter? I doubt it. But I wouldn't be doing any of his laundry or anything else. When my ex finally had to wear his underwear inside out he figured picking up his dirty clothes and putting them in the basket was worth the clean laundry. Did it change his overall attitude? No!!! One of the many reasons he is my ex.
I wish you all the good luck possible. And...the money for the cleaning lady is worth parting with if it saves some of your sanity and your time.

N.

Hi I am so sorry that your hubby doesn't help you. About the thing he said way back wwhan woman took care of the house and said nothing about it, well woman were not working a full time job back than. I don't know if you pray or anything, but what I do is i say a prayer before i talk to hy hubby, How about when the house is clean and everything is some what calm, talk to him about it. State the facts and how you feel. Let him know you need his help. tell him that we are in this together, and we need to work together. Tell him we both work hard at our joby outside the home. So when we get home we ned to work together and be partners. I wil say a prayer for you . Let me know how it turns out. I am new to this site.
Hugs, G.

oh my! i really feel for you. i've read the comments posted and i have 1 other thing to add to the list of how "it used to be":

it used to be that you lived in a village surrounded by the extended family to help. this meant that grandmother, grandfather, auntie, uncle, cousin, sis etc were all pitching in with looking after the little ones. we don't live like this anymore. now mom (or mother-in-law) lives on another coast, sis is trying to create a life and a career for herself, etc. if "tradition" is what he wants then he should be ready to invite your mom to live-in with you guys AND be the sole provider to boot. what it really sounds like though is he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. he came out from under his rock long enough to catch wind that women are working these days but hasn't wanted to take a look at the picture in its entirety. because if he did, he would see that women today are able to work because of nannies and cleaning ladies and daycare and most importantly, supportive and enlightened husbands who feel an obligation to bear the burdens of both the home and the child-rearing.

i don't know if this will make any impact on him. but perhaps letting him know that you are unhappy, over-worked, tired etc. will. i can't imagine, for instance, that after a stressful day at work and with your 11 month old and cooking/ cleaning that you have any energy left over for sex. how could you? perhaps a few weeks of his exhausted wife falling asleep at 8 with the baby will give him the message. or perhaps, if your mom lives close-by you could stay with her for a couple of days to recuperate. it doesn't seem to be sinking in for him that you're exhausted... perhaps a few days apart so that you can rest will drive the message home. i don't know, only you know how to get through to him best.

I totally know where you are coming from. My husband isn't as bad with the traditional role talk but I know deep down he thinks it. My sister is also in the same boat. I tell my husband and any other man that thinks his wife is his slave that slavery was abolished long ago. And women 'back then' also didn't work at all usually, they stayed home with the kids and took care of the house. But it was always the man's responsibility to take care of the outside of the house, car and any repairs. I find that my husband can't even be bothered with his own traditional responsibilities but he expects me to take care of mine while running the entire household and my own two businesses. And he expects me to be his own personal secretary for his business. It drives me crazy. I don't have any good advice, sorry. I wish I did. I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one. I have tried nagging, asking nicely, screaming my head off, and nothing has worked. I even tried guilt and he started to help out for a few days and then things went right back to the way they were. If you find something that works let me know.

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