12 answers

Husband Refuses to Help with Household

Hi guys. I have great husband and an 11 month old child who is a handful and I work full time in a stressful but rewarding job. My husband simply refuses to do anything around the house though and it is so annoying. He works for himself and works very hard but is ver household lazy. I am up with the baby day and night and do all of the things that need to be tended to and I am extremely tired. After three years of screaming and cutiting out/down on thing I used to do, I told hubby that I will be dragging work home to do so I will be busy and will not have time for most of the household things I used to do. At least I will be compensated for work I do from my job. I told him that I should not be expected to do everything (Including repair work to the house or have to call someone when it needs to be done) taking care of my car and financially contribute 50% of all of the bills if he wants to be a 'traditional' man. My arguement is that he should at least keep the house from virtually falling down and wash a dish because he is an abosolute SLOB. I even got to the stage where I stopped washing his clothing and have threatened to have my tubes tied I told him that because he has so much lip about what traditional roles should be he can keep his own clothing and anything pertaining to his body clean. He tells me about how women way back when took care of the house with no problem and questions why modern women have such difficulty. I told him he sbould have married someone 35 years his senior if he feels that way. I had to re-emply mycleaning lady. My only problem is that he does not even try to maintain the cleanliness when it is clean. It hurts to have to part with that money! Help, any advise would be greatly appreciated. By the way, his friends have the same idiodic ideology.

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Featured Answers

I totally know where you are coming from. My husband isn't as bad with the traditional role talk but I know deep down he thinks it. My sister is also in the same boat. I tell my husband and any other man that thinks his wife is his slave that slavery was abolished long ago. And women 'back then' also didn't work at all usually, they stayed home with the kids and took care of the house. But it was always the man's responsibility to take care of the outside of the house, car and any repairs. I find that my husband can't even be bothered with his own traditional responsibilities but he expects me to take care of mine while running the entire household and my own two businesses. And he expects me to be his own personal secretary for his business. It drives me crazy. I don't have any good advice, sorry. I wish I did. I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one. I have tried nagging, asking nicely, screaming my head off, and nothing has worked. I even tried guilt and he started to help out for a few days and then things went right back to the way they were. If you find something that works let me know.

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The only advise I can give you is to remind your husband that women back in the day was not expected to earn money and that was a mans job. So if he wants to have a traditional home he has to make all the money and leave YOU in charge of the household. That includes him bringing you the check and you paying the bills. Most men today have been spoiled because they saw they mamma do it all so, they think you suppose to do it too. But that is not the case.
Men "back in the days", took responsibility for the money making and base on one income lived the life of one income. So tell him if he wants you to take care of the house you will quit your job move into a smaller place and he not have freedom like he use to, because a traditional man always was home a 6 pm for dinner Always!!! Men who think about traditional homes don't realize how much power men gave to women. Your home is your pride and joy the place you come to when you want to get away and relax. Tradtitional men only trusted that the wives was the person that knew them the best & could do the job of taking care of their house.
So you let him know that all that and if he is still singing the same toon, just take money out and get a full time maid and nanny. Think like a modern woman and do what you got to do to keep yourself happy.

My god. I think you are married to my husband's twin. lol
Tom is the same way. He doesn't even help me with kids. Then complains if something isn't perfect.
He will clean only if company is coming then complain about how I am not doing my job etc...
I go back to work next year so i am dreading that and I have no idea how I am going to handle that.
Money wise-he's only getting a couple of dollars toward bills ( I will only be working part time retail) I don't drive and I need to change that.
I wish I had some advice for you but I don't. Just know your not the only one

I can't believe your husband is acting that way! That just sounds crazy... He is just being LAZY!! You are doing a lot of work and you have every right to feel tired, worn out, and fed up! I agree with one of the other comments that men are not as good as most women at multi-tasking. So I recommend leaving him a short list on the days you know he will have time to do things... my boyfriend would have no clue if I just asked him to clean the apartment... but when I leave a few simple tasks for him he does much better :) Also maybe you should mention that if you weren't so overwhelmed with doing EVERYTHING around the house, taking care of the baby and working, you might have more time for intimate things. And if none of this works I would consider hiring someone to come and clean once a week or every other week, just to help you out a little :)

My husband is a stay at home dad......I can run circles around him. I have learned that men CANNOT multi-task. My husband runs a successful home-based business but lots of times will complain that he can get nothing done because of the kids. So he will say... Do you want the house clean or the business taken care of??
(tough call since the business pays the bills) Women today almost need superpowers to make in this day and age. Tell your husband that years ago women took care of the household duties because most women years ago did not work outside of the home. Woman today are VERY busy. My husband never realized how much I did in a day until our roles changed. My husband would come home from work and say "what did you do all day?" Now he knows. I have found leaving a to-do list is helpful. If I do not ask my husband to do something it will not get done. Men do not take the initiative like we do. I would make deals with your husband that if does the chores around the house...he will be rewarded (think creatively) (ha-ha) that works in my house. Another thing to think about is what is the worse thing that will happen if the dishes don't get done? (trust me...they will be there in the morning) I would try saying to your husband...lets go do something fun and we will worry about the house work later. Sometimes a positive reverse psychology is helpful. Keep me posted I would love to hear how it is going. www.livegreeneasy.com

Well, women back in the day...mostly stayed home too. If he would like such traditional jobs then you should be at home all day without the stress of a full time job adding to your already hectic day as mom, cook, cleaner etc.
I don't know what I can tell you that would change anything. He obviously grew up with this mind set and all this time later he's not likely to change his ideas or attitudes any. I think it is a convenient excuse for him being lazy or a slob as you stated. *not trying to be harsh* but if he was in a traditional marriage things would be far different. You would not be fixing things up around the house (repairs) he would. You would be staying home and he would be the bread winner.
Will telling him this matter? I doubt it. But I wouldn't be doing any of his laundry or anything else. When my ex finally had to wear his underwear inside out he figured picking up his dirty clothes and putting them in the basket was worth the clean laundry. Did it change his overall attitude? No!!! One of the many reasons he is my ex.
I wish you all the good luck possible. And...the money for the cleaning lady is worth parting with if it saves some of your sanity and your time.

N.

Hi I am so sorry that your hubby doesn't help you. About the thing he said way back wwhan woman took care of the house and said nothing about it, well woman were not working a full time job back than. I don't know if you pray or anything, but what I do is i say a prayer before i talk to hy hubby, How about when the house is clean and everything is some what calm, talk to him about it. State the facts and how you feel. Let him know you need his help. tell him that we are in this together, and we need to work together. Tell him we both work hard at our joby outside the home. So when we get home we ned to work together and be partners. I wil say a prayer for you . Let me know how it turns out. I am new to this site.
Hugs, G.

oh my! i really feel for you. i've read the comments posted and i have 1 other thing to add to the list of how "it used to be":

it used to be that you lived in a village surrounded by the extended family to help. this meant that grandmother, grandfather, auntie, uncle, cousin, sis etc were all pitching in with looking after the little ones. we don't live like this anymore. now mom (or mother-in-law) lives on another coast, sis is trying to create a life and a career for herself, etc. if "tradition" is what he wants then he should be ready to invite your mom to live-in with you guys AND be the sole provider to boot. what it really sounds like though is he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. he came out from under his rock long enough to catch wind that women are working these days but hasn't wanted to take a look at the picture in its entirety. because if he did, he would see that women today are able to work because of nannies and cleaning ladies and daycare and most importantly, supportive and enlightened husbands who feel an obligation to bear the burdens of both the home and the child-rearing.

i don't know if this will make any impact on him. but perhaps letting him know that you are unhappy, over-worked, tired etc. will. i can't imagine, for instance, that after a stressful day at work and with your 11 month old and cooking/ cleaning that you have any energy left over for sex. how could you? perhaps a few weeks of his exhausted wife falling asleep at 8 with the baby will give him the message. or perhaps, if your mom lives close-by you could stay with her for a couple of days to recuperate. it doesn't seem to be sinking in for him that you're exhausted... perhaps a few days apart so that you can rest will drive the message home. i don't know, only you know how to get through to him best.

I totally know where you are coming from. My husband isn't as bad with the traditional role talk but I know deep down he thinks it. My sister is also in the same boat. I tell my husband and any other man that thinks his wife is his slave that slavery was abolished long ago. And women 'back then' also didn't work at all usually, they stayed home with the kids and took care of the house. But it was always the man's responsibility to take care of the outside of the house, car and any repairs. I find that my husband can't even be bothered with his own traditional responsibilities but he expects me to take care of mine while running the entire household and my own two businesses. And he expects me to be his own personal secretary for his business. It drives me crazy. I don't have any good advice, sorry. I wish I did. I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one. I have tried nagging, asking nicely, screaming my head off, and nothing has worked. I even tried guilt and he started to help out for a few days and then things went right back to the way they were. If you find something that works let me know.

Oh my goodness. I thouhgt I was alone in this struggle. My husband does some of the housework sometimes but like your husband he expects me to split finances 50/50 (Even though someitmes it works out to me doing more than 50% because I make a little more money than he does) and still take care of the household myself. It is both ridiculous and stressful. I don't have any advice on how to get that to change because if I did, I wouldn't be in the same boat. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

I was in the same place you are right now at one point in my life. I use to do it all, bills, shopping, cooking and spend my hole Saturday cleaning the house upside down (before the kids came along) because I had the time and he was selfemployed and had no time but it was ok because I was home on weekends so it didn't bother me. When the baby was born my time was not enough to keep up with the house the same way. He kept complaining that things where not the same, the house was upside down, the toys all over the place, he wanted me to clean up after I put the baby to sleep at 8 but by that time I was beat, I will put the baby to slepp and I will fall asleep with him. I worked full time and cook fresh meals everyday and he still wanted more. We use to argue a lot about it but I told him that the same way I can pick up the toys when the baby is asleep the same he can do when he came home. If something was dirty and he call my attention I would tell him you know where the stuff is and you are not handicapped. It went on for a while and I did tried my best to do as much as I could because I'm neat and I like to do it not because he wanted me to do it. Coming to the end, he decided to hire a person to come and clean the house once a week and he took over the bills to releive me from some of the work. It took him a while to realize but it work. And today he appreciates the everyday cooking that I do and the caring of the babies and he complain about the cleaning lady (it's not like my cleaning) but you can't do it all. I hope this advice will help but you can only do so much. Take care.

M.! I feel your pain! I know EXACTLY what you're going through! My husband is the exact same way! He is self employed and works very hard, so I know it is a lot for him to come home and do extra work, so typically I do not ask. However, I do not work. I'm a full-time student right now though and an expecting mother. So it's beginning to get a little harder month by month. But anyway, my husband used to come home and just take his clothes off anywhere he felt like it to get into the shower, then i'd have clothes laying all over the place! Picking up clothes doesn't take more than a minute, but when you have to do it every stinking day, it gets OLD! Especially because he could just take them off in the bedroom and put them in the hamper! right? Well, I continued to complain and complain..and complain some more, till finally he just started doing it for himself rather than have to listen to me nag about it lol. Your husband should at least! be helping you maintain the house..that IS a "man"'s job according to traditional roles. As is working and supporting the entire family, not having his work do everything AND work. That's not the way it works. Men these days want their cake and want to eat it too! They want their women to do everything around the house, and go out and work to help contribute to the family...and then don't want to do a little extra helping. Not right! Thank God my husband understands this! He doesn't want me to work for as long as he can handle all of the bills, because our situation would turn into yours (he does all the housework though, but it's mainly because we're religious people and in our religion it's the man's job to do the housework, basically...he takes his religon seriously, so he does it). So my advice is to talk to him again and tell him if he wants to be the real "man", then he's got to take ALL of the responsibilities of a "man" and let you take the responsibilities of a women! Ask him to take up a second job, possibly...i know it's difficult to run your own business, and busy!, but you've got just as much work with a house and kids, I'm sure!
Good luck!

OMG, been there done that. And for me it is still a work in progress. I would try telling him to imagine he had to come home after work and do all you have been and ask if that would be fair. Forget this old mentality. For a family to be comfortable these days mom has to work too. Tell him how it is making you feel emotionally and that you are begining to resent him. This resentment will just fester into an unhappy marriage. Try sitting down and coming up with a list of household responsibilities and split them. If he doesn't want to split them, then tell him he better hire a maid AND a cook. The thing that drives me crazy about men is that they don't value household work or child rearing. Imagine if you were paid for all the cleaning, cooking and taking care of your children on top of your job! You would be rich!! I mean, it is another full time job on top of the one you already have, you just don't see a paycheck for it. So the next time he comes about how he pays the bills blah blah blah and makes all this money, take crecit for all of your unearned income. Technically you work more than him. If he doesn't want to pay for the maid or cooking service, then you need to ask yourself if this is where you want to continue to be in 10 -20 years. And start looking out for yourself. Because he most likely will not change. People do not change for other people. They have to change fopr themselves and acknowledge that there is a problem and that they need to change for themselves. Usually when you try to change for someone else it is temporary.

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