Baby Shower Etiquette and Family Favoritism

I am sorry, I can imagine how frustrated you must feel. Hopefully a different perspective will help you feel better?

For your older child, you indeed were able to provide for her. The same this time. You chose to have another child, knowing that furnishing the nursery is only a fraction of what it takes to raise a child, so you do feel some finacial security to have decided to have another child, right?

"she is an adult now and should be able to take care of her own children just like us."
Yes, ma'am, you are able to take care of your own children. If she is unable, well, since when did two wrongs make a right?

I can empathize with your husband not wanting to say anything, he has a good self-respect knowing you two can provide for your kids without the help that a 18 year old would need. Why would you want him to lose face with his family like that, when you don't need the help the way a woman trying to raise two kids out of wedlock would?

You can teach your daughter a valuable lesson when she gets older if she ever notices the difference in toys sent (which I personally doubt she would). You can tell her, "someone doesn't show their love for you just by what they buy for you. And you aren't secondary because someone else needs help more than you do. Look at all you have to be grateful for."

You can't change what anyone else does, you can only change how you choose to respond. Possibly if you were more grateful instead of resentful, they'd help you more, too, but you have no control over what they choose to do. Have you or your DH asked his parents to babysit when you needed? How did they respond?

Best wishes, and I hope looking at it through a different perspective helps!

1 mom found this helpful

I read some of the posts .. From a practical standpoint .. look at it like this .. you can not and should not expect the same behavior -- what they give or not give is their choice and it is their money -- it may hurt but that is the realty. What have you done to make sure that your daughter and you win their heart, rather than expecting that they should give you gifts ..I am a mom of three and I never had a shower -- we paid for everything on our own -- and yes we did get some gifts in mail but never relied on people giving us .. In our friends, we were the first one to have the baby .. YOu can buy inexpensive stuff .. the child does not care if it is second hand. How would you like to raise your children -- depend upon others for your needs and wants .. if someone comes then they should bring the gifts? It is just the beginning .. you will have many birthday parties -- will you like one relative/friend who is giving you more pricey gift? I would let the family in Canada know that you are having a baby and if they like to give something, I am sure they will.
May be the answer is - How will you like to be treated -- will you like people to call you OR not call you becaus of the gift you give?
I appreciate family and friends and to me that is more important Than the gifts .. in the birthday parties, most of my close friends are not allowed to bring anything as I want children to understand that it is the people and their time which matters -- and not the present they got .. and my children do understand it ..

Hi Bridgette,
WOW! I completely understand!!! I am too the same way! My family did the same to my sister- who was 18 and I was 26 when I had my first and only child :( My sister is 4 1/2 years older than me too! (My mom & her husband)..& I had the granddaughter she wanted!!!

Anyway's even if they don't come- you can still invite all of his family--all of them!!! Maybe they (aunts, cousins, etc) would send gift cards so you could purchase what you don't have. Never know without sending the invitation.

From your follow up note I did not bother reading anybody else's responses so I might repeat them.

Another thing, yes it might be your husbands place to say something to his family- but we know how they can be and won't want to hurt mommy and daddy's feelings so they'd rather not say anything at all. I would write out what it is you want to say to them and re-write it until it is really nice- well as nice as it can be- when you are telling the truth. And if they are the way my mother is- their feelings will get really hurt.
But you are way to far past your feelings to be hurt.

I hope that I have helped ease your mind that there are people out there that care and will help and understand. I think there is always going to be people who judge. Sorry!

Also, where do you live? I know of somewhere here in Inverness that is very willing to help and are lacking customers. Let me know...

I will pray that God will give you the strenght you will need to make it thru this difficult time and that his family will suprise you.
If you need anything else- send me a private message if you want. :)
L.

Invite both families and long as you don't expect much you won't be disappointed. Try to unload the negative feelings. If you don't you will eventually pass them on to your children. It's easier to let go of the bitterness than to let it eat at you day after day. Try what the others have suggested. Second hand stores, Craigslist.org depending on where you live, and of course EBAY! You can get some really great deals, check church sales. Remember your immediate family is YOUR responsibility. You can't count on your inlaws. Good Luck to you.

Yes, it is not worth fighting your husband for. He has to understand though that if he is not willing to speak to them, then your child will go without and things in your home will be a little tighter to provide the best you can. As you said too, eventually your daughter will see it too. Have you tried speaking to your sister-in-law? Maybe she could say something to her mom. Even if her mom choses to get her duaghter more than yours, perhaps she can distribute it privately - say give each girl 3 gifts for Christmas and any additional gifts when you are not there? Have you tried speaking with your mother-in-law? You don't have to ask her why she gives more to one than the other, but you can ask her if she would mind being a little more considerate/ sensitive to how the extra stuff may make your daughter feel. If it gets bad, then you just can't be around her for family gatherings where gifts are exchanged together. If she's not going to be fair, than you will have to accept it.

Invite everyone you know to your shower. You should have invited your family to your first as well, but now you can make up for it. Talk with your family. If you need a crib, maybe a few of your relatives can go in together and get you one. Make a list of necessaties and go to Target or someplace and register. Your family can send you gift cards or pick things on your list by computer and have it directly sent to you via mail. Have your husband TELL his family you want them to get you ------.

Remember though...you are happily married and God has blessed you in many ways. Do you really want to have the life of your sister-in-law?! I know the situation burns, but you have the power to decide how to handle it/view it.

I quickly read your "What Happened" response and I'm new to Mamasource, but I am so surprised in a site meant for women to support each other they are judging and critizing.

With that said.....I somewhat had the same issue with my fiance. When it came to my babyshower not one of his friends or family went out of their way to come. Thank god I have a huge loving family and they flew down from New York and took their vacation just to give me a beautiful Baby shower.

I understand where you are coming from and as annoying as it might be if it's not something your husband is willing to put his foot down about (not in a bad way, just expressing how both of your feel) I don't know if you would ever be able to change the way his family is.

I believe when you are in a family you should support them in every way. Having a new baby is incredibly expensive and life changing, it's nice just to know you have support from family (whether it's a gift, or helping out by babysitting, or mental support).

I would definitly invite your family (from Canada I believe you said) you might be surprised one or two of them might show up. I was surprised my family went so out of their way. And even if they don't come, if you were close to them, they will probably want to contribute in any way they can. I don't feel it's being selfish like I guess some people on this site thought, I think it's just wanting family support, just like you would probably be there for them if they needed.

Honestly I didn't get many expensive items at my Baby Shower from family because most of them don't have alot of money and they spent money just on the travel, hotel stay, and planning my shower. But it meant the world to me to know how much they cared and went out of their way. I felt in my heart that I had love and support. Hope your baby shower goes well and you'll have the support in whatever way you need, and if not that's okay because it'll just make you stronger in the end to know you did everything on your own.

Hi B.,
My sister-in-law and I have a similar problem with my in-laws. We are both married to the brothers and my in-laws favor their sister's kids all the time. The reason they give is that she is their daughter and they are closer to her and her kids. Honestly this is a lost cause.
My advise is get closer to your family and your mom specially. My mom came this year and spent 4 months with us and I experience something wonderful with her and I. Know I relate to her a lot more as a mother and may be that is what happens with my sister-in-law and her parents. Seems like this bond is hard to establish with the guys since they are not the ones giving birth.
As I said, get closer to your parents and you will get the attention and love you and your kids deserve.
Let me know how it goes, good luck!

I am really sorry you are going through all of this- its stressfull enough to be a mom and expecting number two!
I personally think maybe you should try to get past the resentment of being treated differently and invite who you want to. Your children will figure things out soon enough about who is being treated with favoritism- and if they are anything like my kids they will voice their opinion about it- and I would definatley direct those questions and complaints to your husbands family members! If you hold on to all of the negative feelings for them- it may eventually ruin your marriage- because after all it is still his family!As far as wanting things for the baby- yes it is nice to have all of the newest, cutest things for them- but you can really get some inexpensive things if you look for them in secondhand stores, garage sales, etc. And most of the stuff- once they get thru a"stage" that may or maynot last very long-you will find that there is always something else they need more than all of the fancy stuff!

It definitely sucks to be in your shoes right now! I don't think it matters how old you are or how long you wait to have kids, you are never completely ready financially. And that should only be a small factor in deciding to have children. Any new baby in the family should be viewed as a blessing and celebrated equally. Unfortunately, some people are far to short-sighted to see this. You should feel sorry for them, not resentful. Imagine all the joy they are missing in their lives because they can't see the blessings they have right in front of them.

As far as the shower invites go... I personally didn't invite out of town guests (except my mother and best friend) because it seemed like a shameless solicitation for gifts. I did, however, send out birth announcements to everyone within 48 hours of getting home from the hospital. These netted a lot of gifts and gift cards. I am assuming your relatives up north know that you are pregnant? If so, they will send gifts if they want to regardless of an invite to a shower they couldn't possibly attend.

As far a big ticket items... check out Craigslist.org. Lots of parents list their used baby items on here for really cheap and you can post ads for items wanted and what you can afford to pay for them. I got a lot of stuff from there.

I don't know how to explain to a child why a grandparent favors one child over another. But trust me, they will notice it. I did as a kid. My advice there would be to limit exposure to the in-laws. Talking to them about it may cause more trouble than it's worth. Only you know if it's worth it. Good luck!

I would invite both families. I would definitly invite my own family and I would also invite the in-laws with the expectation of not recieving anything from them.

When I was pregnant with my daughter (she is the first and only granddaughter, so that makes things a little different) We recieved the big stuff from my family and basically nothing from the in-laws, and I do mean nothing.

As far as them showing more favoritism towards your neice, I don't know that you can really do anything about that. What you need to do is make sure that your daughter feels loved and secure in HER family (meaning you and your husband and your daughter and the child you are expecting.)It is not fair that they spoil the other grandchild but really there is nothing that you can do about it.

You can not really depend on anyone else supplying you with the items that you need for the new baby. Have you checked the second hand stores and so forth to see if you can afford the necessities on your own? I know that you said that you don't have a lot of money and I understand that being a one income family. Check around and you may be able to get the items you need yourself rather than depending on family to supply those items for you.

Sorry, that probably sounds a little harsh and I did not offer much advice so I apologize. That is just my opinion.

I do wish you the best of luck as I have plenty of experience with difficult in-laws. I have just gotten to the point where I don't expect anything from them and then I am not dissappointed when they don't do something, or in their case do something that is rude.

M. N.

I will be honest, I didn't read all of the responses, as they were very lengthy. I would agree with those who suggested inviting those in Canada, and be sure to include a picture of you, first child, and hubby. It helps bring it to "home" that you are pregnant with # 2, and also gives them a current picture of you. Maybe plan a week and you and first child fly up there to visit, if hubby is able to go also - fantastic!!! YOUR family is, well should be, very important... not just to you, but to your hubby as well. Family can help you get through great times, and hard times. Financially, you may be able to afford all that you need, and that is great! - but you need to think about emotionally. My in-laws would just "walk right in" my home after the birth of our first child. I'd be breast-feeding, or napping, bra and panties, and they'd just walk in. My mother to this day, still knocks before entering, and will knock when she comes home with one of my kids. Its called RESPECT! Unfortunately, not everyone has it. This applies to many aspects, not just "knocking on a door". You should try to keep close contact with your family, send via mail or email pictures. Do you provide your in-laws with pictures? Do they have *any* resentment towards you, for any reason? They (unfortunately) may be older (or not), and have "harsh" feelings towards you, because you were unable to conceive - easily or naturally. Some people do have pre-conceived notions, and you can't change their mind - NO MATTER WHAT! Enjoy your first, your second, and hubby, as they will always be there for you! I wish you the best of luck.

G.

Believe it or not you are a lot better off than I was dealing with inlaws. My daughter is 2 and I can count the number of presents my mother in law has given her on one hand. She gave her 2 pairs of socks while we were in the hospital and that is only because I asked her those when she was visiting. My sister in law has 5 kids and they get stuff all the time. What we have decided to do is ignore it.
In regards to the baby I am from California so I had my shower there with my family and had lots of fun. Also because they knew I had to get on a plane I recieved cash, checks and gift cards. It really helped alot.
This is your baby shower and you should be happy. Dont stress yourself over them. Its their loss.

B.....ok here goes...first of all there is nothing wrong with inviting family who cannot attend a shower to the shower...its nice you thought of them and they MAY get you a gift....if they dont you lose nothing by sending them an invite...it shows you thought of them and wanted them to be there for your happy occasion...i invited out of town friends and family to my shower and i knew some of them would never be able to make it...it was just the thought and i did get a few things from the out of towners...send those thank yous asap! ;) as for the rest of your situation...i think you have several things to deal with here and in my opinion there is nothing that you can do to chage your husbands family...you can however creat a war of the worlds with them if you confront them...i also think if you do that they will punish your daughter and not you...if these people are insensitve enough to tell you that they wont love your child as much as the first baby then they have shown you that they are not people who are even WORTHY of having the luxury of being with your daughter all the time...the fact that they let a CHILD be treated like a second class citizen tells me that they dont have the kind of values or integrity you would want your daughter to model...as for needing stuff...post bullitens on this site i bet you TONS of moms here will have things they are more then willing to part with...especially knowing your situation...if you need anyhting let me know...( i have a 7 month old boy) these people are not worth fighting over or about AT ALL...i know it hurts and i would be upset too...but the best revenge is living well...and you are lucky enough to have your own amazing family YOU CREATED to depend on...hope this helps...deb :)

Dear B.,

Wow! I don't envie you and your situation. I don't have any advice for your in-law situation, however, I would say it's ok to send invites to your family in Canada. I sent invites to all my family members for both children and they sent gifts via mail or shipped items from the internet.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you.

Hi, I know exactly how you feel, my husband's family gave us $100 gift card for babies r us, and that was it & they didn't come to my shower because they had laundry to do---lol funny huh? But I invited everyone that I knew even ppl out of town like in your case, who knows what you'll get! And it is perfectly fine to invite out of town--for those of you who say its not, we are here to support one another not gang up on anyone and judge. Go for it, we had a great response from everyone out of town, I was truly blessed, and my husband's family favors my sister-in-law's kids more and its obvious! I have really learn to just except it and the fact is my son will learn to feel the same way about them--I don't play those games of favorites, but I won't influence my son either, he will eventually figure out that yeah thats grandpa and grandma--but oh well... Believe me I know it's hard to buy all the esentials, My husband makes enough money but I totally understand what you mean, be patient, and talk to ur hubby and have him talk to his parents because these are children and grandchildren at that, playing favorites is not fair, I didn't get to know my grandparents, but my cousins grew-up with them so I know that I always wanted that bond for my kids, and he has it with my family but not with my husbads family. It's better to speak up to avoid future problems, I had to do it a few times and I think it's better this way. They are crazy if they can flat out say that they love their first grandchild more, thats just not normal!!! and they don't deserve your kids! And for those of you that judge---you are so rude!!! and really don't need to be on here, thats not fair to be rude and ridiculous about peoples questions!!! Good Luck B.!

Hi B., We are grandparents and try very hard to treat each child as a very special gift to us. We try to be equal, but remember some people respond on their emotions only. Accept them as they are, pay special attention to them and all of you will grow in love for each other.It takes time and effort to blend families.

I would invite both familes. However I belive that it is up to you to make them not feel as though you are doing so just for the gifts. When I had my baby shower I invited people form all over, knowing that they wouldnt be able to come. But I feel that I show them its not for the gifts by sending them invites to everything for my daughter. For her bapisam, for her birthday, and I will continue to do so for her future birthdays, and school events. I also send them pictures every 6 months, so they are not just "gift givers" but part of our family. Im sure that your family understands and wouldnt want your or your baby to go with out.

Hi B. -

I'm sorry to read what you're going through with your in-laws. There seem to be many, many moms on this site who are experiencing significant troubles with their in-laws, and it's very unfortunate.

Regarding your question on the invites...here's a very practical way to practice FREE etiquette (especially if you think they won't come anyway). Instead of wasting your money on postage, simply collect their e-mail addresses and e-vite them - here's a great, FREE site where you can do that: www.evites.com. If your in-laws aren't too keen with computers, shell out the postage, but in either case - whether e-viting or snail mailing - make sure you list where you're registered. If they don't want to spend money shipping out a physical gift, they could always order you a gift card or just send straight cash.

Now, about the favoritism issue...you and your husband have certainly been dealt a bad hand, but what can you really do about it? People, especially families, can be jerks and you can either let it bring you down, or you can remain positive in spite of them. You certainly want to make sure that your children see how you handle grace under pressure because no amount of gifts or money will ever teach a child how to have grace, class, decorum, and inner-peace. Don't fret about things you cannot control...taking from the AA creed, here's a good prayer to remember: "Lord, help me to change the things I can change, accept the things I can't change, and grant me the wisdom to know the difference."

Finally, from a practical standpoint, I wouldn't rely on others to supply you with your baby's material needs. While it's socially expected to give expectant parents baby shower gifts, you really shouldn't rely on anyone (even family) to get you big ticket items like cribs, strollers, car seats, etc. even if they're purchasing them for other members of your family. I personally think it's a crime to pay top dollar for any of these items when you can simply get them for a fraction of the cost at a consignment (second-hand) store. For anyone who scoffs at using second-hand items, consignment stores in particular don't accept poor quality items because their business is to actually SELL these items. Garage sales in high-end neighborhoods like Hyde Park and the nicer areas in S. Tampa are also a good idea...you'd be surprised how many yuppie moms actually never use their baby items and sell them at consignment stores and/or garage sales. I always feel like I've hit the jackpot when I find unused, unwanted baby goods. My pride is not so great that I'll turn down a fantastic deal when I see one. Clearance items at Wal-Mart, Target, Baby Depot, and even dollar stores are great places to save a buck or two on baby clothes.

My husband and I are ready to welcome our third child come this September, and we've already scoped out the bigger items at consignment stores...our favorite is Baby-Go-Round on Henderson Blvd. in S. Tampa - 4111 Henderson Blvd, Tampa, FL 33629 , Ph: ###-###-####. We're not having a baby shower prior to my due date...instead, we're going to have a post-delivery "welcome" party where we, as a family, can take inventory of what we really need. Because we're getting most of the bigger items ourselves and babies really only need replenishables like onesies, diapers, and wipees for the first few months, we'll end up getting something more useful than physical gifts: hard, cold cash. :) I was wondering, do you have a lot of friends who live close to you? Don't forget that your friends aren't exempt from baby showers...in fact, it's your closest girlfriend who should be planning and fretting about all the details on your behalf.

Blessings to you and yours.

When my daughters were babies, I still invited out-of-state family to the big events. In the invitation, I'd write something like "We know it's a long distance and you probably can't make it, but we wanted you to know we were thinking of you and wishing you were here." Sometimes that prompted them to send gifts, sometimes it didn't.

You might check out freecycle.org to find local freecycle groups in your area. Freecycle is a way for people in the same community to offer their unwanted/unneeded items to other people who might need them and everything's free. It might help you find items for your daughter and new baby.

As for your husband's family, you cannot change them. Their behavior is unfair but personally I think it's easier for you if you can learn to just blow it off.

sorry about your in laws I have had some of that here! lol! my in laws never miss my sil kids birthdays but have come to 2 birthdays for my kids and one is soon to be 8yrs, and 5 yrs..so they probably wont change sadly..but like the other poster said they will decide for theirselves when they can understand. how about going t osalvation army or goodwill and get a crib that you could wipe down and maybe ask family to provide money for a matress, with my second daughter I had my first daughters stuff like the big things but they were born in different seasons s othe size didnt fit sometimes with the seasons clothing..I always check target and walmarts clearance racks you can get all sorts of things for 3-5 dollars, and another great place t.j. max! whole outfits for 6.99-12.00
k-mart has nice fleecy blankets etc on clearance now..each baby is a blessing so hopefully both families will chip in and give money or gift cards..good luck!

To everyone here,
It's interesting how people take things very personally. From what I've read, it looks as if the grandparents are behaving differently according to different needs, not favoritism. The 'favored' children are seem to be the children of parents who can't or aren't properly caring for them. For the 'unfavored' children, the grandparents are probably thinking, 'their parents are taking good enough care of them, we don't have to go out of our means.' Some parents are insulted when the grandparents do too much, they think the grandparents don't believe in their ability to care for their children. So don't take it personally when a grandparent gives more to a grandchild who's in a less secure situation, be helpful and welcoming, and share your stability with the child as well - they may not be getting it from their parents.

Also, I beleive it is good to ask all family members to a baby shower if you want - if they can't come and don't want to send something, don't be upset, it's just an open invitation, not just a scheme to get something. Some may surprise you and find a way to get there and be there for you.

Hi, B.
I realize this post is very old and the situation is no longer about your baby shower. but I felt I wanted to try to encourage you because I know what you are talking about when it comes to favoritism in the family.
I have 5 children and my nephew (by my husband's sister) is SO totally fovored in our family by my MIL. He has been mostly raised by her, so some "favoritism" is to be expected in this case. By that I mean , of course she has gone to all his Little league games while only having gone to a few of our kid's games. We live an hour and a half away, so that's understandable. But other times it has been outright favortisim. Like one Christmas she bought my two oldest boys and my nephew (all within 3 years in age of each other) a bike. Well the bike he got was a $100 bike and our boys got the $35 dollar bike. what made this especially outrageous was that when her and my father in law presented the bys with the bikes, all three bikes were side by side and it was SO TOTALLY obvious that two of them were cheapos and one was a "cool" bike.
Another time, (Christmas, again) they (in laws) bought the three boys a TV for christmas. well naturally, it stayed at their house in my nephews room. But this was suppoesed to be their "combined" Christmas present. My kids only got to use it when they visited them (remember, we live an hour and a half away) and it was in thier cousin's room! Tell me how that is equality!!

I could go on and on but you get the point. The reason I wanted to share with you was because you voiced some concern about your child's feelings, so I wanted to tell you how we deal with it. My kids are very aware of it. They are old enough to see it (the two oldest one's are ) and have been seeing it for many years now. Even my nephew notices it. He has mentioed it to me in conversation. They have never heard me and my husband mention it or talk about it. They have brought it up, but we never have. When they do, we just make excuses for her. We try to make light of it and not let them see that we think it's all that noticable. The reason we do this is because we believe that our children's love and respect for their grandma is more important than hurt feelings over the favoritism. So far, us having made light of it has had the effect we want, which is for our children to forget about it and not dwell on it.
I know they still see it, but they also know she loves them. She does show them love and care. Sometimes I feel it is more out of obligation than anything else, but the kids don't seem to notice this. They are just kids and they take their que form us. How we re-act and respond is how they act and respond. As far as they know, we think she loves them just as mich as she loves our nephew. So therefore, they thik it, too.

This takes a huge amount of putting away our own hurt feelings, which isn't always easy. Our pride tends to make us feel as we shouldn't be treated this way. And maybe we (our kids) shouldn't, but arguing and family contention doesn't solve the problem, so we might as well make the best of it.

Basically what I'm saying is this:
Family favoritism is wrong. You are right to think it's wrong and you are justified in feeling hurt. When you can let it go and just live your life and be happy and make sure your kids are happy in spite of all this, you will have learned to deal with it and the problem will not be a problem anymore because it won't matter.

I hope this helps you. Best wishes.....~C.

I hope everything went well... I used to run a baby registry desk, and unfortunately there are some people who will look at a 5-10 page registry and say the mom is being greedy. I would tell them that I encourage parents to put on as much as they can to give folks a variety of choices and price ranges when shopping.

I understand the favoritism thing too. My 2 older siblings tend to get more support from my parents. I know that my parents don't love them more. It's just that they need more financial help than I do. Both of my siblings are single parents. I was wondering if the same wasn't true in you situation. Greater the need = greater attention. but then i saw that they don't make an effort to see your baby... wow that hurts. I know this is almost a year later, but I felt compelled to respond to your request. CLosed mouths don't get fed. I would address the hurt feelings you have with your husband and if he won't talk to his family, maybe you should. I get that it isn't about stuff, it's about feelings. Really though, it's his family. He should stand up for his wife. They understand him better and would probably respond better if it came from him.
Hope things are going well for you and your family
God Bless
H.