Baby Shower dilemma..sry Its a Long One

I think you should have the two separate showers, and just let them handle it in the goodness of their hearts. Personally, if I were volunteering to host a shower for someone, and then they started making it complicated, it would irritate me and I would lose a LOT of my enthusiasm, and be doing it because I felt obligated, and not out of the goodness of my heart.

Ya know, Sam...sometimes life just happens. And things happen not in the best of timing. Truthfully, obsessing over these shower details when your mom is going through chemo and radiation just kind of seems trivial. I wouldn't expect her to "do" anything--except take care of herself and get well, and enjoy meeting her grandbaby.
If it were my mom, I wouldn't want her going to any fuss, truth being she just wouldn't be up to it. And maybe not feel well enough to fully enjoy it.
Let your MIL have her side at her house and you have a meet the baby thing after the baby arrives for your side.
The number of people is not what's important, nor the location.
What's important is having best regards for your mom's health and maybe attending the MIL's shower, as she sees fit to have it, graciously, right?
Good luck!

Have it at your aunt's home. The families can meet at the wedding reception. I mean it's been 4 years already so I'm sure there's no rush. Best wishes.

That many guests for a baby shower is ridiculous. I agree, the family can meet at the wedding reception if there ever is one, or a seperate family bbq type thing, but that isn't the point of a baby shower. The bbq for a meet the baby party is a good idea too. Just ask to keep it ladies only due to space and financial issues. If they insist on the men coming, then mil can figure it out and rent a church hall or something. After that, don't worry yourself about it and let them figure it out. Also, if money is an issue, other close family members can all pitch in to help. Give your mom a break, she shouldn't be worrying about this, she needs to focus on healing.

Also, GrammaRock's answer wasn't rude, but your response to her was, I think there was probably a misunderstanding there.

It sounds like everyone is trying to do too much with one event. I have never heard of men going to a baby shower other than to load up cars at the end. It seems like your fiancee's mom wants to have a meet the family type thing which is all well and good but not a baby shower, ya know?

So why don't you suggest you have a "shower" and a "BBQ" at two different times.

I have seen this happen in my family when we haven't seen everyone in a long time. Like how much stuff can we stuff in one event.

If you'd really like just one shower with just the women, I have a few suggestions. Call local churches, VFW halls, Moose lodges, Knights of Columbus, etc. and see how much they charge for a room rental. They are usually very reasonable compared to restaurants, banquet halls or golf clubs. I've had and been to some awesome showers and weddings at these types of places. Most of the time, they have kitchen areas where you can bring your own food to prepare, have it catered, or have the church ladies cook. You could even have relatives bring a dish to pass.

Hope this helps.

I think I had about 4 baby showers before my first child was born. My mom and aunt hosted one, I had one at work, my friends hosted another one, and my husband's rugby team (!) hosted one (perhaps the only baby shower in history where a case of Captain Morgan's Rum was given as a baby gift - but I digress).

The point is, it doesn't matter if you have one big shower or a bunch of smaller ones. By the time you're 8 months pregnant, you won't care. Let everyone work it out, you have enough on your plate just being pregnant! Just show up when and where they tell you. :)

A think out the box solution, if your mom's health is a concern, and you don't "need" the baby gear, is to wait after the baby is born, and have a "meet the baby party." You can have men and women and children. It can be informal, you can even have a backyard breakfast with lots of quiche, ham and cheese croissants, coffee, donuts, and bloody marys and mimosas. then guests in small groups, 2 or three at a time see, hold, coo at the baby, and get a photo with him/her.

If you are planning to register, be smart about it, with 100 guests to contend with, register for items 0-18 months, so you can have a bit of everything to see you through the first year and then some, rather than 100 newborn outfits your baby will quickly outgrow.

Good luck to you and yours.
F. B.

Why in the world should your mom be expected to pay for this? I think that she is dealing with enough. If she wants to contribute then the healthy family members could just give her a price, like $50 to contribute then they pay for everything else. She would never need to know the entire cost. She has enough to worry about with her life on the line....

I think I would find someplace like a park building that is kind of generic then decorate the heck out of it and hold the shower there. You could have the building for the whole day and then have a shower time and a family cookout time the rest of the day.

For example, have the baby shower from 10am-noon, then everyone else come at 12:30 to cook out and have a family day at the park. It should be a park close enough to moms so that she can go home and rest if she feels the need. She is the first priority here, not you, she could die if she overdoes it. She does not need a setback so tell his family they will just need to bend to your wishes and travel a bit that day. You could do it Memorial Day Weekend or the weekend before. I would reserve the building now. It should have air conditioning so that mom and other elderly people who are susceptible to the heat could be comfortable.

Friends usually handle the shower, not the guest of honor, so why are having to be concerned or worry about any of this? All you should be required to do is provide the guest list and show up.

Congrats on your baby!

I see no problem with the two smaller parties; however, I am concerned that the two families have not met and that seems to be where some of your angst lies (coupled with your Mom's health problems, etc).

Maybe you could do something small with the "important" people (i.e. his and your parents) and you could host. I am thinking a nice home-made meal with a "family" game afterwards, this way everyone could meet and talk and (hopefully) have a good time. It was very important to me that our folks know one-another and have a chance to learn about each other before we were married. Parents have such a hugs influence on ones life and that is where we all get our morals and beliefs from so knowing the MIL/FIL is a peek at the future...

As for the shower(s), if an agreement cannot be reached, could you find a local park, maybe splitting the distance? In my mind, if your Mom, his Mom and the aunts offering to host all pitched in and brought something to the park then things could be just as nice as at a house and I know around here that it does not cost anything to "reserve" a grove. I also think that most men would decline to attend a shower, of any kind.

For what it is worth, I also like the "meet the baby" party...

Good luck.
~C.

I would recommend having the first, smaller shower close to home when you can. Then allow your future in-laws to host a meet & greet for the baby after the baby is born. Hopefully your mother will be doing better by then and you don't have so much stress to deal with while you're pregnant. Men are more likely to come to something not called a baby shower and it is a more appropriate environment for the two sides of the family to be meeting each other.

There are lots of free and inexpensive places to have a party: parks, community centers etc... Look into that if you want a joint party close to home. Otherwise consider what will be easiest on your mother who will not be in the greatest health during this time. Two small parties is not really a problem. Some people have one for each side of the family and also one with friends. Other people do no party and either send out baby announcements after baby or have a "meet baby" party as mentioned before. Whomever is hosting the party should pick the place, with your input of course. You said friends aren't involved but perhaps if you have a friend with an appropriate home for a large party you could just do one big party that could be co-hosted by friend, mom and MIL. I can speak from experience throwing a large party is expensive and time consuming. I definitely think you should take the bulk of the stress off your mom while she's not well. If that means you split the party even though it's not what you really want, it will be ok. It's just a shower! Personally I do anything I can to avoid showers, even my own. Ugh.

If you have specific thoughts and requirements re: the shower maybe you could do what my cousin did and host it yourself. Everyone, men, woman and children, were invited. They had it at an outside park with a huge pavilion. Defineately not conventional but it was really fun. My cousin is in a band and his band played. The party was from noon til about 10:00 that night and we was a blast.
I really do not think you should tell your to be in-laws your wishes about the party unless you are asked. It is very nice of them to do this for you and your mom has enough going on without worrying about this. I know i had nothing to do with the planning of my shower. And at the risk of sounding harsh...families usually meet at the wedding.

Slow down.

You're about to be a parent. You're still living with your mom. You're dependent on your mom to pay for items (renting a hall).

In a few short months, you're going to be making major life decisions for another human being.

This is a perfect time to practice your problem solving skills. So grab your patience pants, a number 2 pencil and some paper. You're a mom-to-be, and your kid needs you to pick up this skill.

Step on some toes, do it nicely and apologize - but be firm. Everyone is looking to you - so make the best decision you can and then stick by it.

Good luck!

I think right now with everything going on it might be better to have two. I know that's not what you want but sounds like it's more fisible to acoplish. But the one thing I am not sure about is why you have a problem only inviting the girls on your side even if they have guys. And like your mom said more than likly the guys wont all come. They probably want to have guys since it his family and that's who they have the conection to right now. But either way you do it I think you will be fine!!!

Good Luck and God Bless

Is there some way you could help your mom with her 1/2 of the cost of renting a place?

I think it would be great if you could do one big shower - the families need to meet!

Maybe you could ask your MIL to just have the female relatives for the shower and then after the baby is born, have a large bar-b-que for all so they can meet the new arrival.

I know in my family, even though the men are invited to the showers, usually only the "dad" and maybe one or two guys show up and the guys ONLY show up to support the "dad." NONE of them really WANT to be there!

You've got two choices here.

Have the one big shower and tell future MIL, sorry, no men , my guest list is only women (In a shower situation, the mom-to-be determines the guest list, not the host).
OR
Have your two separate showers because you are too afraid to tell future MIL what you really want.

You have to decide. We can't tell you what to decide but maybe it helps you to see it narrowed down (you have a lot of compounding factors, like the cancer treatment schedule, that are muddling your decision-making skills right now)

If you decide #2 you have to let "what's in your heart" go. If your vision is the one big shower with women only, tell them that's your vision. I don't think your friends should be handling it. I don't think your mom should be handling it. You as the mom-to-be should tell them what you want.

Personally, I think the bigger the shower the less anybody (and you) will enjoy it. It will just be too much for everybody, especially your mom.

But if you do decide to combine it, you and your fiance should be paying for your mom's part of it. Sounds like she can't afford it, so it's time to take care of her and help.

If you really think you have to have it combined, let MIL plan it and pay for it (with you and fiance splitting the cost) and invite your mom and let her enjoy the day.

If I was you I would let the parents do the showers separately. one for your side, one for his side and let them do them and you go as the honoree. you can do the meet the baby thing after and have one big party but it is hard to plan a huge shower. I am in the process of making this work with my sons fiance. We have aprox 40-50 people from our side, she has the same on her side. I can't afford to host a shower for 100 people but she wants it to be all one big shower. I think multiple showers are easier. no one wants to sit through the opening of 100 plus gifts.

I hear that you'd like a joint shower for both sides of the family, but if the shower is being made by two people (mom and MIL) who don't have the same concept for the party, then it's probably best to have two showers. Let them each handle their own, the mom to be is typically not involved in planning her own shower or showers. Some people DO have "Jack and Jill" showers for weddings and babies nowadays. The baby gear isn't just for mom anymore, so some people do a shower for the parents, not just the mom, and include everyone (men and women). It's a personal preference, whatever the couple wants. My youngest nephew and his fiancee are having this type of wedding shower.
I had no problem with my baby shower 17 years ago because I was not involved! I didn't expect a shower, it was a surprise and I was not told of the plans.
The reason that some people are saying that your friends should handle it is that if you follow traditional etiquette, the mothers of the mom (or dad) to be don't make a shower. Old fashioned etiquette suggests that it's in bad taste to ask for gifts for yourself or for your kiddult. That's why usually a shower is made by someone who isn't your mom. Doesn't have to be friends, sometimes it's sisters, aunts, cousins, SILs.
Good luck and remember that you are very lucky to be having a shower (or two?). Enjoy this special time. Your shower should not be a source of stress. Good luck.

Why is everyone telling YOU the plans for the baby shower? Why don't you and your fiance tell the mothers to talk to each other to make the plans? My mother and MIL threw my shower together and worked out the details between themselves, my sisters-in-law, and my best friend. I didn't know a single aspect of the planning and wasn't interested and frankly, I didn't need the stress. Let THEM work it out.

Then once the baby is born, you can have a "meet the baby" party or have a baptism (if you're Christian) and then have a combination baptismal-and-meet-the-baby party. That's what we did and it was wonderful doing that on top of having a shower where I was simply pampered and didn't have to worry about the what, where, how, why, who, or any of that.