Apologizing to End a Fight...

I will apologize to end it. Now that I am older and we have been married for almost a decade, I don't care as much about being right or not, if an apology will end the fight, so be it.
It's not like I don't know who was right and who was wrong (or at least have a strong opinion on it). I may not even really "mean" the apology, but I have no trouble coming up with a little white lie to keep (reestablish) the peace. At first I felt like it would require myself to respect myself less, but honestly it doesn't change anything about my self respect. If at all it enhances it, because I see myself as a bigger person than making a fuss a about a few words that don't mean anything to me, but the world to him.

Good luck.

I guess it depends on if you want to get things resolved or if you want to be "right". That is basically what it comes down to.

I'll apologize that we're fighting and it's hurting out relationship... I'm always sorry about fights, because it's my big mouth as much as his.

BUT... this doesn't mean I'm bowing out and letting him have the control; I'm not apologizing for what I said or having a differing opinion. I'm simply apologizing that the fight even happened.

If I know damn well I said something mean spirited, I'll apologize and take it back... usually as soon as the words come out of my mouth (I'm notorious for speaking before thinking). I'll let him know that I do truly see his side of things, I just don't agree. Then we compromise. This has become a HUGE diffuser of fights for us :)

Apologizing (just) to end a fight doesn't resolve the problem.
It evades the issue, puts it off till later and let's things fester like a boil till it comes to a head at some later date and then bursts out all over the place.
I think most people who say "I'm sorry" under these circumstances are really saying "I'm sorry (you're such an idiot)" and everybody involved kind of knows it.
It makes for a temporary cease fire but the conflict is still there.
Keep going to counseling or try another counselor.

What's the one thing?

I think I have the most non confrontational husband on the planet. We have only fought maybe six to seven times in our whole twelve years together. We have gotten angry at each other but a lot of times it doesn't escalate to more than a few snarky remarks and some silence. Even that doesn't last to long. People always tell us we should fight more! LOL Anyway to answer your question the only time I apologize is when I am wrong. If I misunderstood something, took it the wrong way, things like that. Otherwise if it's a agree to disagree thing I can usually end the conversation with a "Whatever" and that is my husbands cue to stop while he is ahead.

my husband and I rarely fight...but when we do - it's usually because I've done something stupid...I let him get his anger out and apologize if necessary - he usually apologizes for losing his cool.

I apologize IF I am in the wrong. I don't apologize to "end" something..however, when my husband and I do fight and it gets nasty (name calling and swearing) ONE of us will say "Okay - that's enough - I'm going for a walk around the block so that I don't say something I can't take back."...sometimes it's TWO walks...but in the end...we kiss and make up.

If you are having the same fight over and over - you need to get to the root of the problem and not just keep rehashing it...however, in your case - you are not happy...even though you have had marriage counseling and renewed your vows....

is this a control issue?
is this a sex issue?
is this a discipline issue?
is this a money issue?

what is at the root of the fight? is it over something stupid or is it serious?

You are tired of fighting...but your husband is not?
Is this the example of marriage you want to set for your kids?
Do you fight in front of your kids?
Is there hitting or slapping involved?
Is there name calling while you are fighting?

You need to talk with your husband about this. Find out WHY it's such an issue and HOW to get over it...tell him you have had enough and it needs to stop now...show him you are serious about it....I'm not sure how you can show him that...what will get his attention that you are serious...but I do know that NO ONE can make this decision for you.

I apologize to end a fight. I am apologizing for fighting though. Some times it helps to respond to some one as if you had been the one saying what you are responding to. You have two choices accept that he is the way he feels or not, especially with the recurring arguments. If he is upset with you for not supporting him when he needed it, apologize & let him know that you do not deserve a life sentence for this. I have found myself in this place at times too, I think you will know when to stay/go. Good Luck!

Oh my gosh are you me?? It sounds the same. This morning I found myself wondering if I was truly happy with my husband or just here to make it work. Wow. It seems like we are in one of those not so exciting patches, so I'm going to talk to him about it, but not stress on it. I apologize only if I feel I am wrong. Or if he explains to me why something I said or did came across in a way I did not mean, I will apologize for that. But not to end the fight. It normally feels like for me a fight is not over until we lock the bedroom door for a couple of hours! But yea, I agree. The 10% for us can be super ugly, and it's the same fight over and over again...but the rest of the time things really are great. I'm interested to see what responses you get.

I apologize if I had any part in what caused the problem. There have been times when I felt that an argument was 90% my husband's fault and 10% mine- that if you really picked it apart, I was "right" but also reacted in a way that was understandable but less than desirable (if that makes sense). When I apologize, I apologize specifically for what I did that caused a problem. (There is no reason to take the entire problem on my shoulders!)

I hate tension, so I tend to be the FIRST to reach out and apologize, which is annoying when I feel that HE was the "most wrong" and therefore should be the first to apologize... but life really does not work that way. It can't be a "points system" or about who is "most wrong and most right". When I apologize, my husband always immediately apologizes back. He is more stubborn so I realize that in order to mend fences, I will need to initiate the apology. I think that doing so also shows him I am ready to talk and that I am not still so mad that I would shoot down his apology or just walk away from him (as has happened a few times).

I don't know what I would not apologize for. I guess if it was 100% his fault.

I do it a lot, and I hate it, and I have a lot of bitterness stored up... He's always right and no matter what if he thinks it, then it must be so... I'm no where near 90% happy in my marriage, maybe just a little above 50 and that's pushing it... I guess enough is a enough when you know you no longer want to live this way, until then, there is hope...
Maybe you should talk to him one on one, let him know 90% of the time you are happy in this marriage but he needs to start leaving the past in the past. Yes, you also need move from the past of being lied to and trust him again, and if you can't, let him know. "I don't think I can ever trust you again, can you live with me like that."
I sure hope your marriage can survive because I think it can...

It is hard to say when enough is enough on a fight. I actually have a 90/10 rule. We need to be happy 90% of the time and problems 10% so in my book you are doing great!

Since you didn't mention what the fight is about it is hard to quantify how serious it is. For all I know you could be fighting over who drives the sedan and who drives the truck. Seems trivial but could be a HUGE fight. I say take a good HARD look at what you are fighting about. What is the core issue. If that issue is truly serious and not able to ever be resolved then enough is enough.

Another thing I truly look at when I have an issue with my husband is "was it a problem when we got married". I have always considered it unfair of me to fall apart over something that he was doing before I married him. In other words, I married him knowing this irritating issue. In those cases I just suck it up.

I hope you find your way with this. My choice is to always find the solution and stick it out together. No one is perfect and we just get the luxury of knowing more imperfections about our spouses then the rest of the world. If you give up and move to the next husband, he will have some horribly irritating thing you fight about as well.

As far as always apologizing, I just do not understand apologizing for something you are not sincere about. Maybe you would feel better if you apologize for fighting rather than the issue. So say sorry to him that you got in a fight but you do not have to take the heat for the issue. maybe then you wouldn't feel resentment.

I read this book, called the 5 Love Languages and I want to refer you to it. Here is an online assesment where you can find your love language. http://www.5lovelanguages.com We feel loved by our own love language: The 5 languages are: words of affrimation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time and receiving gifts. Maybe you feel loved if your spouse tells you how pretty you are or how much he appreciates you. Maybe you feel loved when he touches you and you guys hold hands a lot. Maybe you feel loved when you receive gifts. Maybe you feel loved when he does chores around the house for you. Maybe it's when you spend time together. It sounds like this book might help you, if you guys fight about the same thing. Having the same issue come up all the time, maybe he isn't feeling loved by you because you are not loving him in his love language. Usually the husband and wife have different love languages, so we love our spouse in the love language that we would want to be loved. Most of the time what ever the spouse is complaining about, (ie, you never touch me or we never have sex, or we never spend anytime together) might be their love language. I am just guessing, but maybe your husband's language is words of affrimation and he needs reassuring words over the career issue from last year. Hopefully this book will help you! It has given me a lot of insight on how we "tick" and why we are the way we are.

Apologize for your bad behavior (if you engaged in any). It is always appropriate to do this. Don't apologize for your good behavior or take responsibility for his bad reactions to your good behavior, however.

And remember, a soft answer turneth away wrath.

We usually don't *fight* over anything THAT life-impacting....usually arguments just kind of fade out. BUT because of that..I DO occasionally have to demand an apology for something really hurtful...just to make a point.

I apologize when I know I am wrong and only when I am sincere. I think you should only apologize when you are sincere because if it is not then it only brings peace for a time but doesn't help you move on. It seems to me there is some major healing, letting go that needs to happen which will take time (if eventually you are both able to let go). There are times where we have to know that our spouse is human and may not respond or do something the way we want them to and continually being angry, upset they did not do as we want them to do will not bring healing. When I say this I mean that for both of you. It seems that you have good reason to be upset about the lie and that you could only do so much. We can't be everything for our spouse, and if we try to be then a lot of problems come up. However, you will have to let the past go and encourage him to also find a way to do the same. I hope things work out for you!

Im usually the one doing the apologizing, because im the CRAZY one. My poor hubby. Hes a very, very strong man. ;)

The other day we got in a fight about him giving his 50 year old pot smoking alcoholic dad money AGAIN.

After I had time to think about it, even though I dont agree with him enabling his dad, I was a little harsh and have to realize that at the end of the day, his dad is his dad and what can ya do. I realized how blessed I am to have great parents and then I started feeling bad for my husband. I said I was sorry. :(