Anyone Else with Joint Custody but Their Child Lives with the Dad?

L.,
I am in North Carolina, where I have to be separated for a year before I can get a divorce. My year is almost up, but I have been trying to get my kids to live with me the whole time, out of court. I have 4 kids, ages 18,14,10, and 9. I really miss having my kids. Their dad has brianwashed them to believing that I am not a good mom, although, I too did everything for them. Their dad is also controlling. I was married for almost 18 years to him. When I left, he didn't let me take the kids.
I have many friends and family that comfort me and tell me that the kids will see it eventually. I hate knowing that it will take a decade for that to happen, but I just bide my time, trying my best to let them know I love them.
My best friend lost custody of her son about 10 years ago, like you, moved to a different state. She sent him cards, and letters, and always expressed her love and encouragement for whatever he was doing. It took her about 10 years, but she now has custody of him. He was brainwashed, too.
It is going to be tough for you, L., but that's what makes us strong women. You are fortunate to have the loving support of your soulmate. Enjoy your time, and pray, if you do, for the right thing to happen at the right time. I wish you well!
J.

1 mom found this helpful

I understand. My "situation" is alot like yours. My 15 yr old son lives with his father. For the first two years of his life we lived in Ohio. When I moved to Tennessee, we went to court for the third time. The judge said we could move. Every other year we were in court after that. (The woman he left me for was trying to be controling.) I had custody until 2001 when I left my second husband because he cheated also. The judge took him son away from me and gave him to his dad because I was raising 3 kids by myself and wasn't getting enough child support from the fathers. Since then my first ex got caught cheating, again and left his wife. He still has my son. If I wanted, I have a very strong case to get him back. But I have decided not to because when he does come to visit for the summer he is very disrespectful, refuses to help out around the house unless he is specifically told to do it, and he is very hateful to my 8 and 11 year old kids. My husband even offered to by him a car last summer. The deal was, we keep it, get it tuned up and running good the next year and when he turns 16 this summer, he could have it. As long as his dad put him on his insurance. He said NO. Can you believe it? I talked to his dad and he doesn't know what is going on. But I think I do. His "ex step mother" has alot to do with it. He still goes to her house to see his brother and sister there. And somehow she has got him believing that my scheduale has to revolve around hers! (That was Christmas.) I haven't seen him since last summer. And everytime I have called him, he would rather watch TV than talk to me. I have already told his father that if he didn't staighten him up and make him respectful and get a fire under his but about the world, I would not be hepling him out. He is the one that made my son this way and I can't change that, the last two years I have tried with no luck. He graduates in 2010, I have no intentions in having an unemployed graduate in my house when I have three other kids to think about and raise the right way. Don't worry, don't fight, just try to be your daughter's friend, not her mother. It will shock her and her father and at the same time, bring you closer. (A mother can't do that with a son, that is an advantage I don't have.) GOOD LUCK and PRAY God will help you have the strength you need.

1 mom found this helpful

I can relate to your situation in a lot of ways.My ex is very controlling.We have been split up since she was 1 1/2 and she is now almost 10. We are getting ready to go back to court again soon.Court was so unfair the last time and I am really needing prayer and support from anyone who is a christian and believes. (My daughter was even touched inappropiately by her step-brother and they still did nothing about it!!!!)
I guess I just wanted to say that you are not the only mother who is going through this. It is so hard fighting against someone who wants to be in control of everything no matter how it effects the child.I will be praying for your situation.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi L.,

I can relate and could also write a book on the subject! Even though I have joint custody and the living situation is about 50/50. My daughter's Dad is extremely manipulative and controling also, but comes off as the nicest guy in the world to everyone else. My daughter is almost 6 and adores her father, I have never spoken negatively of him to her, but even from the age of 4 she has on occassion called him "a liar". It's difficult not to let other's hurtful judgemental comments affect you. There are 2 quotes that have helped me. "The only way to win a tug of war with a narcissist is to drop the rope" and "Sit patiently by the riverbank and wait for the dead bodies to float by"!
They have proven over and over to be true. Do your best, do the right thing, sit back and the truth will eventually come out.

Good Luck,
V. M.

This is tough...what and understatement. My husband and I have a child who puts his mother on a gold peddle-stool. Of course she has serious issues and in and out of court. Her lies were hard on us and him and we had to deprogram him every time he saw her. At 16 yrs we finally let him live with her.
We decided long ago to just try and be here for him. Give good advice and love him even if that means from a distance. We except who he is and what his goals are in life. Not our original plans but we understand that forcing any issue just doesn't work. It is frustrating when you have people in your life who are enablers, selfish, and controlling. If your daughters father treats her well and is a good father to her than thats all that is needed. Really hard to hear! Think in long terms. You want your daughter to be around when she gets older too. Be the best mom you can be and love unconditionally even in such a hard situation. We didn't always make the best decisions with our son but we know we want him to come and visit and be part of our family. We realize that is all that matters.
I hope you can find peace in this situation. I finally did but it was not easy. I just know we did our best and we are still hear for him. Just never give up and continue to reach out to her forever.

L.,for what it is worth, here is my opinion: If your daughter is happy with her father and he is taking good care of her, what part of that makes you a bad Mom? Perhaps the people that are judging you have not had to make really tough choices for their children. Being a mom that had to make choices as to whether to allow my kids to live with their Dad, I understand it is so hard to allow yourself to feel like a good Mom, especially with others making that judgment for you, but if your choices are for the best world for your daughter, then you have done just like you should.

F. B.

I'm some what it the same boat as you..well sort of..I have 2 sons,one from a previous relationship & one with my ex they are older then your daughter but same situation..sort of.

My ex and I decided to divorce i told him that both could live with him since he would always have a better paying job them me and so could look after them better but we would let the boys decide where to live.My oldest decided to live with me and the youngest with his dad.I used to get asked all the time how I could split the boys up and not have both live with one parent.My answer..it was their choice.

It was also your daughters choice where to live for what ever reason.She is now only 10yrs and doesnt see what her father is doing by being manipulative.One day she will grown up and see what he is doing and say..'geez mom was right'.Let her live with her father and dont say anything against him no matter how hard it gets.Until that day comes stay in contact with her by phone,in person by email how ever.Yes its hard when you can see whats going on but children dont see what we see until the grow up...good luck..
S. B

I cannot imagine how hard that must be. I wish that I had some great legal or parenting advice but the only thing that I can do is pray for you and for your family and I will do that :)

Oh, L., I am so sorry for you! No, I haven't been in your shoes exactly, but a mama's heart is a mama's heart and that is universal. Horrible, in my opinion, to have your child taken away from you. So, you have my compassion and support and prayers.

Here is something that I learned about children's attitudes towards their dads and moms. Moms are the scapegoats and dads can do no wrong! I read this in a book about adoption. I adopted two children from Social Services and had to deal with many emotional problems. In that book (and I wish I could find it to quote for you), it basically said that the new mom's always take the brunt. That even if a father threw their kid under a car, still father was wonderful and it must somehow be mama's fault.

BUT, rest assured, that as your daughter gets older she will figure things out. I have seen that happen in people's lives many, many times. Around 12-14 (the age of undertanding, Biblically) - kids begin to see things more honestly and clearly.

Your ex is a control freak and manipulative? Well, soon, he'll start doing that to her - it will take her a little while to see it, but she will. Enter you to take care of her heart and let her know she's not crazy.

So, be patient and every time you are worried about it, just pray about it, envisioning the day your daughter calls to say she wants to live with you. "With God, all things are possible."

I hope that gave you some hope!
T.

PS: If people judge you, well, that is their sin before God. "Judge not, lest you be judged."

All situations are different, if you know in your heart that you have done all you can, then you need to let it run the course.

L., I know how you feel. My daughter was 13 when she went to live with her father and he got her everything she wanted but nothing she needed. She attempted suicide for the third time last Dec and I brought her home (to our house) and she didn't fight it this time. She admits now (she's 15) that she needs her mom.

No one really came out and said anything about why she was with him. If you are challenged, say that your daughter insists on living with him and you cannot make her live with you unless you want your house destroyed and your mind frazzled because she fights you. If they don't accept that, then try to avoid those people because they're judging you without the firsthand knowledge of what you're going through. Good luck.

Kids always favor the parents who don't punish them. You are not the bad guy, you just want your child to grow up and be a great member of society and make a difference instead of getting herself in trouble because she got everything she wanted and no one told her no. Which i'm sure you're afraid might happen. Since this is how it is, I'd go with the flow for now, and support her any way you can while she lives with her father. It's very hard, but she needs you more now than anything. It will be even harder to have her listen to your rules, especially if her father is more lenient. I feel for your situation; I would be devestated if I went through what you are going through. My heart goes out to you. But you must stay strong and do the best you can! And if she accuses you of leaving her in the future, just remind her that SHE chose to be with her dad and She abandoned you, not the other way around!! Don't let her make you feel bad for HER choices. BE STRONG!! We all need friends, especially in hard times. Look to the one you gave your heart to, your spouse. He can be more supportive than you think!!

Hi L.,
Bless your heart. I feel for you so much. I completely know where you are coming from. I was with my ex-husband for 9 years and have two children with him. They are both girls and their ages are 10 and 4. My ex-husband is very manipulative as well. I had the same feelings as you did when I divorced my ex-husband. My then 7 year old little girl loved her dad. Even though he did nothing for her. He never changed a diaper, never bathed her, never fed her, never watched her while I went off to work everyday to support the whole family by myself. Yes, he did not work either. I had to leave my child in daycare so I could work because he would not watch her. It was a bad situation. So of course when I finally decided to leave I just knew my little girl would choose her mommy. The one that had been there for her in every way possible. NOPE, she wanted her daddy. I have to say that I was the same way when I was a little girl. My dad was never home and never spent any time with me but I loved him so much and was a daddy's girl...??? I let my little girl stay with her father and was judged by this as well. It was terrible, the very people I needed to be there for me and support me were turning their backs on me. My husband and I drew up our Parenting Plan with joint custody for both of the girls. I too found my soulmate through all of this. My husband now is so wonderful and we have a very peaceful and happy home. My then 8 year old began to realize this too and decided she wanted to have more time with me. During the time she was with her dad I always tried to let her know how much I missed her and loved her. I wanted her to know that I was not upset with her for choosing to live with her dad. I sent her letters, cards and just stayed in touch as much as possible. I never said a negative word about her dad in front of her and to this day she does not know the real reason why I left because that would be degrading her father in front of her. I know from experience with my own parents growing up that when one of them spoke negatively about the other it only hurt me that much more. So I didn't want that for my girls. I say just keep letting your daughter know what she means to you and how much you love her. I think as she gets older and begins going through things that she doesn't feel comfortable talking about with her dad, then she will realize how much she needs her mommy and will turn to you. Just remember not to make her feel guilty for choosing her father. Only speak positive words around her and she will begin to realize where she would rather be. You should never second guess yourself as a mother. I am sure you are a wonderful mother. One day when your daughter is older she will realize how hard you fought for her. She will also realize that your decision to stop fighting was only in her best interest. Because again when the parents are battling over the children in court that is taking away from the child as well. There are so much costs involved with attorney's fees and court costs, etc. It also takes your attention away from the child who needs all of both of you. I will be praying for you and your situation. The Lord is what got me through this tough time in my life. I hope this was helpful.

Hi L.,

I have never been in your situation..but I am a social worker and have experience w/broken families...I would advise you not to feel guilty about the situation w/daughter..in your heart you know you did your best...stop trying to prove yourself to everyone...next...just continue to love your "brainwashed" daughter...dont fight...it only gives fuel to fire...and helps your ex-control freak husband...he will use anything to get at you( even his child)...focus on trying to be happy w/the present situation...enjoy spending time/daughter when you have her...stay invloved in her life as much as possibel...just be there for her...she will see who really is in her corner...maybe not now...but when she matures...just love her unconditioanlly...its not her fault...the dad has brainwhashed her...stay prayerful...and enjoy your soul mate and your second chance at life!!!

VMitchell
Memphis,TN.

Sorry this is late. I am not in that situation ,but girls are usually daddy's little girls and believe anything they say.. I know this is hard to do but just bare with it and maybe one day she will see that he is a control freak and will finaly understand that maybe she made a mistake in not staying with you.. She will be coming a round to girl hood shortly and will need advice just be there for her and try to be understanding..,and when the little boys come calling daddy ain't going to like it. just try to be a friend and let her know that she can tell you anything always and you will not be mad at her or judge her for her mistakes. Just remember she has to make her own mistakes so she can learn from them.. I am not saying step back and let her get hurt, just give her alittle room.. My little girls are 7 and 2 and me and my husband are seperated and it is hard for me to hear well I am going to tell my daddy. I know they are little but it hurts me so much when I try to give them everything in the world and when I can't give it to them or I make them mad its I want my daddy But I try to remember everyday that they love him too. And are wishing that he would come back home just as I am wishing too.But it is not easy. Hang in there!!! I wish you the best...

L., Please don't beat yourself up. Children grow up so fast these days and they know far more than we ever think they do. I also have a very manipulative ex, actually his wife is the manipulative one and my son 14 lives with them and my daughter 13 lives with us. At one time my daughter did live with them too. She chose to come and live with us again after she missed me so much. I feel no matter how much it hurts us to let them live with their parent of choice we need to weigh the circumstances. I want my son to live with us, more than almost anything but he want's to live with his dad so I don't pressure him. I know he loves me because I let him do what he needs to do for him. She will love you more and more each day you are apart. It may take her years before she wants to live with you again or she may not want to. AND, she WILL see the manipulation from her father. He can't buy her love for long. Please stay strong and be happy in you new married life. Your daughter loves you even if she doesn't act like it right now.

I just wanted to let you know my son came to live with me this past Monday. He sent me a text msg at 4:30 and I had him back at my house by 7:30 that same night. My ex has decided he doesn't want to see either of the kids ever again. I wont tell them that, I'll just keep making excuses for awhile until he cools off. I just wanted to let you know things can and do change.

I'm familiar with your situation but from the other side. I grew up with both parents and thought (from a little girl's view) that the sun sat and rose on my dad's behind; he was 10' tall; could walk on water and was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Don't get me wrong; I loved my mother. My dad was very controlling and very angry and manipulative. However, I did not know or see this until much later in my life. It was when we moved that I found out exactly the type of man (not father) he was. He had been cheating on my mother for years; he tried to have me lie to a judge when I was 10 for something so stupid and the list goes on and on. My parents stayed married for 19 years and although I knew he had done all of these horrible things, I still loved him. His manipulating ways kept me feeling sorry for him for many years and I was pulled in 2 directions by him (not my mother) to spend time with him on New Years, etc. It took me a long time to rid him of my life because he made me choose who I wanted to be with. My mother did nothing more than love me and be there for me thru our arguments, me cursing at her, etc and to this day, I will never leave her side. I know this is very difficult for you and have a small idea how you feel and what you're going thru. The best thing you can do for your daughter (and it seems like you are) is to be there for her. Give her the opportunity to find out the kind of man he really is and don't ever make her choose a side. She is very young and confused and more likely than not, she isn't sure whose feelings she should "not" hurt; thinking in her adolesence mind, that she's hurting both of you and not realizing that her dad's feelings wouldn't be as hurt as the fact the he would have "lost" to her mother if she chose you. Call her; send her cards; let her know that you think of her every minute of every day. Tell her you love her and that you are there for her any time she needs you. If, for some reason your cards are returned to you and unopened, keep them bundled up to show her that you did try to reach out to her. A daughter needs her mother. You have faith and never give up. Good luck!

L.,

Your situation cannot be easy. If your daughter and her father have a good relationship and you think he is a good father to her, I think you need to be at peace with the situation. In an ideal world, children live with two parents who get along beautifully. Well, that is somewhat fantasy these days. If you get good visitation and your daughter can come and spend good time with you, I think it's more important to have a healthy and happy relationship. Talk to her several times a week, spend good time with her when you can, and make sure her father is a good father (not friend). I fear that continual fighting will foster resentment that may never go away.
Those that judge you are not true friends - you need people who are supportive of this difficult situation.
My heart hurts for you because I know none of this is an easy decision. I'm glad you have someone to love and support you. Good luck.

My husband has custody of his daughter...I have custody of my daughter...so I see both sides. Sometimes we have to remember that fathers love their kids just like mothers (some of them anyway). Love your daughter regardless where she lives. Spend as much time as you can with her. Call often. She's only ten. Not a grown woman out to get you.

I am in the same situation. My son is 14 and I married my soul mate and we are just moving an hour and a half away and in the same state this time. And my son decided that he wanted to live with his dad instead of me because he did not want to move. My son always lived with me with minimal visitation to his dad. He just did not want to move. I let him make his choice. And anyone who judges you same on them. You can not let a child decide you road in life. I now have a newborn with my husband. I love all my kids and I love my husband. Just let you daughter know she always has a home with you but your home is in this new state and that will not change no matter how much her or her dad does not want it. Let her always know you love her and let her know the choice is hers. She is not three so you guys will havet to let her make the choice and it will be better on her and better on you. Good luck. I feel your pain, the hardest day in my life was the day I took him to his dads.

First of all do soul search on yourself and ask yourself what went wrong. and If you did nothing wrong then you have nothing to worry about. As long as you fight then he will win. Let your daughter see him for the parent that he is because he will let her down and once he does then you just be there when she calls crying. I thnink he is trying to get back at you because you have moved on with your life and it does not include him, and he has used your daughter to get back at you. Its nothing wrong with him having custody of her women do it all of the time and we are not praised for doing so. Its the norm for women to carry the burden of children and the men do not do anything so I say enjoy your life with your husband and wait. Just be there when she is ready.

L.

Hang in there honey it will get easier. my situation was a little different then yours but I got very little support in the beginning. My oldest daughter was from a previous marriage we seperated when we were both very young. At that time in my life I felt i couldn't handle her full time. I was very lucky that my ex and I stayed civil up until I wanted her to live me full time after a few years of getting my life back together. He wouldn't give her up even though we lived fairly close and could keep her whenever he wanted he couldn't give up the control. He had quite a bit more mopney plus parents that spoiled her rotten every time she would say she wanted to live with us. POOF a new present so after a while I just gave in. Then at 17 she was sent to me on a plane stating he couldn't control her any more, so here we are trying to build a relationship that is hard to do.

My advice honey is hang in there nobody has to live your life or deal with your choices but you! If they cant support you then they should at least respect for making what is simply the hardest decision anyone has to make.

First, let me say that my heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine being in this situation as a parent and it must be so heart-wrenching to you. I cannot say that I have been in this situation from a parental standpoint, but have been as a child (sort of). My parents divored when I was very young (7). My mother allowed our dad to have custody for several reasons...one being that she was from another country and did not work, but there were several other reasons. She remarried to a man that was in the Army and of course, they were stationed elsewhere. I know that my mom really experienced a lot of pain being separated from us. We did not have the choice of parents with which to live. (I will say that my dad did a very good job and eventually realized that it was important for us to have our mother in our lives too. They never degraded the other in front us though...and for that I'm grateful.) I know your situation is different, but I want you to know that you are not the only mother who does not have their child with them and it is not right for anyone else to judge you. They do not know what they would do in this situation (regardless of what they THINK they would do). They do not know the pain you feel in your heart or what it feels like to be separated from their child. It is amazing to me how many people feel that they know exactly what they would do (or what should be done) in every situation. Although, the truth of the matter is they don't know what they would do until it happens to them. It may be that you need to let your daughter live with her father for now. Continue to stay as close to her as possible (calls, visits, etc). Like someone else said children do not know or see what we see as adults and it will take your daughter some time to realize what is happening. Try not to degrade her father in front of her...it will only reinforce her thoughts/decision and make matters worse. I hope that she will realize the situation sooner than later.

As far as judgemental people...don't let them make you feel bad (as hard as that is). NO ONE knows what you are going through unless they've been through it themselves (and it is still not the same exact situation). Shame on them for not supporting you...especially if they say they love you. You deserve to be supported and I empathize with you being without your daughter. (I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling!) You are in my prayers and I hope this gets better sooner than later! Hang in there!

My parents divorced when I was twelve, and I thought my Dad was it. He didn't even have to buy things for me, there is just something about the father/daughter relationship. Even though my dad left my mom and had cheated on her. He was a minister, by the way. I felt somehow that she was the reason he left. I begged my mother to live with my father and his new family. I think in some way, I was fighting for him and his approval. Did he still love me? Now that I have children I recognize the heartbreak on my mom's face when she said that if I really wanted to live with my Dad, I could. I lived there for not very long before I realized that my father was all about himself, and I decided to move back in with my mother. The difference is my dad really didn't fight it. I just think the old saying is true. If you love something set it free. If is truly yours, it will come back. I know it is hard to hear. If you love your daughter unconditionally, and are there for her. And make sure your time with her is about her, and not about you. She will get it. Trust me, she'll get it. I really recommend the book Seven Habits of an effective Family. I think that is the name of it. The author is Steven Covey. I will say a prayer for you and your daughter and that God will show you how to love her, and that God will give you the peace that you desire.

Wow L., I feel your pain. My bestfriend is in your similar situation where her exhusband has custody of there two boys. I always envied her strength to be able to deal with that, but she did great. You can and will too. Just love your daughter whether it is in the same house as her, same state as her, or from a distance. If she is old enough to fight with you, then you may have to let her live her life with her father the way she wants. But, always make sure she knows that the lines of communication between you two are open wherever you both may be. My bestfriend calls and speaks to he sons even if it is only for a few minutes (because her exhusband is a complete as%$#*&le). She sends them school clothes, cards, and visits whenever she goes to their state (she also moved to another state). She did and does what she has to do regardless of what others say because at the beginning and end of the day, it is her life she is living. DO NOT ALLOW WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK about what you do or do not do steal your joy! Please. We as parents do what we can and what we think is best for us and our children. We are not perfect. No one is, especially those who throw stones.