Advice with the Ex-Wife and My Step-Daughters

My siblings and myself went through similar events growing up. The best thing to do is to be a rock. Dont let them see you fighting or getting upset, and dont talk about the mother. My mother is the rock, and until I grew up and started a family of my own, I never new how many crazy out of this world things she had to deal with in raising us. I always respected her and knew, no matter what situation I found myself in, I could trust and depend on her. Best of luck to you.

you can go to court and petition for both girls they are old enought to make decisions where they want to live . My sister is in the process of doing the same thing for her boyfriends 14 yr old daughter. The mom is the same way controlling and manipulative. The ex is just jealous because they don't have that type of relationship with her so she lashes out at you .Even if she is telling the girls they will no longer be her daughter , it wont last . after she cools down she will want to see them and wouldnt that be funny because she will have to pay child support . good luck and let me know what happens.(I am a nurse and used to counsel people )
I just read your update. Have you tried contacting the social worker at school and letting her in on the ex's drinking problem and that the girls are following in her foot steps.Also the girls declining grades and emotional state. Don't question your abiltiy to raise your children you seem like you are going above and beyond to help these girls which shows you love them. You were the only one who was listening to them and they saw a ray of hope that someone would help them . When you backed away they got scared and thought you were deserting them to . They age is a very critical age and this is the time they really need the help.If the social worker gets involved they will call Child Protective services.Did you get documented evidence of the mother's drinking problem, you'll need that for court if you want to prove you and your husband should obtain the children.
D.

I totally understand what you are going through. My mom did the same thing to me after her and my dad split and he started dating someone else. My opnion is....It is not only your business, but also your responsibility to make sure that those kids are getting the best of care even when they are not with you. If there is any reason to beleive that they are being abusied, you and your husband should take the next step by going and petitioning the court for custody. If the girls come and live with you after that, then it wasn't their choice, and hopefully the ex wouldn't be mad at them for that. If she is, then she is very immature, and after the way you made her sound, I do not think she has any business raising the girls. I'm sorry, but I have no respect for people that treat children the way she is treating them. She should be trying to be a good mom and put her differences aside for the ske of the kids. I know it's hard, but I really beleive that you and your husband should go to the court, and try to take custody. I hope that this helps!!

I have a great friend who works for Friend of the Court as a Family Counselor. Now I know all the staff are not as nice and caring as her, but maybe you could start there, explaining your situation and get some suggestions. It must be a very difficult thing to go through. Would anyone in the family consider family counseling? Good luck.

ok at fourteen they have a choice to pick who they would rather be with she is old enough to choose. you need to petition the courts for custody and even though they say do not bring the children bring her the judge might want to ask her some questions do not tell her what to say just tell her to tell the truth. Then that will open up there eyes to what the mother is doing. Then you might even get the other child. I know this because my husband and I have just went through this and she hired a lawyer and payed about $5000.00 she called the police on us and everything. We still won in court because her dad is a fit parent even though her mom was to but because his daughter wanted to stay with us the mother could not do a thing. Just make sure this is what you want to do because once they are yours they are yours forever even if they mess up they are yours.

I have had a little experience with the same kinda situation. It has gotten better now but I am not married anymore. The ex-wife and I now tolerate each other so that her kids and mine can play together because they are the most important thing not our differences. The ex-wife is now off my back and on to who ever she can get. But anywho with her I realized that the angrier that I got with her when she would say things the worse that it got. If I just acted like she wasn't getting to me then things got better. Oh yeah that was a pain in the but cause I really didn't like her all that much. I just got to the point where I would ignore her and just kept telling myself that someday the kids would understand everything. All I can say is be a positive role model for all 3 of your kids and let her run her mouth and they will someday understand that you were always there for them.

Hello, I have absolutely no experience with what you are going through, but I'd like to give you credit for being such a strong loving mother. You ask if you should push her away, or hold on thight, I say hold on tight, no matter how hard it may get for you, because in the end, those girls are going to remember everything their mother(you) did for them, and as adults, if not already will rerspect you beyond belief. You are setting an example for them as to how to be a mother, and when those girls become that (mothers), it's you they're going to thank for showing them how it's done. So, be strong, and hold on tight for the bumpy ride you continue to be on, but it will workout for you in the end, and the ride will be worth it. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers, good luck.

If you honestly think she is mentally or physically abusing the girls you need to call the police and/or child and family service and sue for custody.

As for speaking to the girls when they are with their Mom, she seems to be unreasonable-- but I don't think you should be coaching them to disobey their Mother and sneak around to talk to and/or see you.

This is a sad situation and I wish you the best of luck. The girls are old enough that their wishes will be considered by a judge if you seek custody-- just be prepared for the fallout.

Good luck...

As hard as it is and as hard as it sounds you have to go through the leagle channels to make this work. If the mother finds out you are secretly meeting with the girls she can use that agaisnt you in court saying you are poisining thier mind against her so i would stop doing that. It is hard to step back and do nothing but as I was told when going through hell with my husbands ex I have no say in his life at all I am just married to the father. He is the only one that can do anything for them and frankly if these girls are having so much problems with thier mother why isnt he doing anything to stop it. Both girls are of legal age to choose where they want to live but I wouldnt make them choose make him get custody because the girls may resent their decision down the road. No matter what she is doing to them she is thier mom and the loyalty to her will always come first. My husbands ex had CPS show up at the hospital the day I gave birth to my son to interview us about an alligation she had made so I know what you are going through. We took him to the police station because he said his mom was abusing him he told the cops and social workers but when they interviewed him again he said he lied to the cops and us that his mom never beat him. It is so hard when you know something is going on but you cant stop it but doing things the legale way will win in the end. Document everything every conversasion with her every time she is around you. If you suspect she is drinking call the cops and refuse to give her the kids until they show up. He is allowed to keep the girls and get cops involved if he suspects she has been drinking but remember as we went through once you start things expect retaliation from her on all levels. I wish you the best it is such a hard thing to go through I wouldnt wish it on anyone. I am lucky to have a great relationship with my ex now we had our rough times but and my 12 year old is in great hands when shes there. I wish you all the best

The two girls are old enough by court standards to decide who theywant to live with and how much time they want with the other parent. My mother and step-father are getting divorced and I have 3 teenage sisters involved - 11, 13, & 14. They have been allowed by Friend of the Court to wrote statements telling how they feel about each parent, whom they would prefer to be with, and how often if at all, they would want to see the other parent. Their statements were taken into consideration and they got what they wanted! They live with their mom and only have to see their dad if they want to, there's no court ordered amount of time because they are old enough to choose when to be with him. Since you already mentioned being in court, it might be a good idea to take this back into court, by through Friend of the Court mediation. Also, I think starting family therapy might be good for the girls, too, because even though they may know what they want, they may have a hard time expressing it openly because of fear of hurting their mom's feelings. Counseling could help them get through this so everyone is happy!

I am so sorry you are going through anything like that. As for the girls if they really want ot be with you they are old enough to decide where they want to live. That is not a healthy enviorment for them. Good luck.

That sounds like a horrible situation! My first advice is not to have the kids sneak out to meet you anymore, that just makes you look bad and puts them in the position of lying to thier mom. You do not want to encourage them to lie. That models behavior that given your concerns with A , you do not want A to think lying and sneaking around is ok. Do not add to that. Encourage her to speack up about how she is feeling and see if you cannot get the children into a counselor. If the girls are in an environment where they see their mom drinking heavly and are being abused then they will see that as "normal" and will likely follow in her path. I assume, giving your concern and obvious love for them, you do not want that for them. Sadly that is the reality for many children, they do as they see. See if you and your husband can get custody of the children, seek legal advice. Try and see if you can get the kids court ordered into therapy if mom wont let them go willingly. I know that sounds harsh but your lawyer might be able to set that up for you. That way if mom interfers she will be held in contempt of court. No one should have the right to treat a child the way that woman is treating her girls! It always makes me angry to hear about kids being abused. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts, let us know how things progress.

Best Wishes,
B.