Another MIL Question..... - Dallas,TX

Being in constant pain is depressing. I hope she is seeing someone for the fibro. My friend is taking Lyrica and it is like night and day with her. She is nearly pain free. There can be some serious side effects though so she should be closely monitored at first.

We stopped answering the phone.

Why doesn't she move closer to one of you?

She's depressed so getting out of bed is a chore within itself. The hallmark of depression is losing interest in things you've once enjoyed, which is why she's unwilling to get out and into her community.

Now, with being said, you have to set up some boundaries. It's hardest with people you care about, but that's when it's most important. Just let her know that while you love and care about her, you are unwilling to listen to complaining. Unless you guys are working toward a solution (there is a knitting group that meets on Friday. Can you help me figure out the directions to get there?) there is nothing else to talk about. Sometimes people think it's other people's job to look out for their well being, but they couldn't be more wrong.

If you were to do this, it wouldn't be mean, nasty or uncaring. It's emotionally healthy...for you. She's responsible for her own happiness, not you or anyone else.

I have not had this situation, but a few ideas came to mind. Does she have a computer and the internet? I think many of us can agree that being a Stay at home parent can be isolating, and so I am so grateful to have the internet to help me stay connected with my friends and family and to help me meet new people. You might consider saying something like, "Mom, I know this is a hard transition and that you are feeling bored and lonely. We sure wish we could visit more. Have you ever used facebook? It is a great way to keep in touch with friends and see pictures of the family..." She might also be interested in Meetup.com (I have met a lot of people this way) or even Pinterest is a great way to get the creative juices flowing and ease the boredom. Anyway, just one suggestion!

Even tho you love her, she is a toxic person. If you have to for your own well being spend less time talking with her or find a way to emotionally distance yourself.

I'd be upfront and tell her that she's Debbie Downer which makes it difficult to spend time with her on the phone. Remind her you live too far away to visit. I would make the suggestions you have if she's willing to listen. If not, tho it'll be difficult, separate yourself from her neediness. If that means making less calls, so be it.

And/or you could try to make an emotional separation from her and then just listen without getting emotionally involved. You are not responsible for her happiness.

No matter what you do she's going to feel that you don't love her. Isn't she already implying that with her pleas. Your first responsibility is to take care of yourself and your family.

My mother wanted more of my time than I had to give. I always felt guilty and pressured. I was in counseling for depression. I learned that my happiness was as important as my mother's happiness and that I could just say no to her requests. I felt liberated but still very sad. I found it easier to deal with my feelings than with hers.

Maybe you could suggest to her to call her former co-workers and plan a lunch or dinner with them. Maybe suggest the senior center. Tell her that BECAUSE you love her so much, it hurts you to think of her sitting alone in the house every day waiting for her husband to get home and you would feel much better about things if you KNEW she was getting out and socializing. That way she can't accuse you of not loving her enough; you are making clear that you are making these suggestions because you DO love her.

Also, don't know how this is going to go over, but maybe she would appreciate an invitation to visit you for a week or so. If she does that, you could take her to your local senior center and maybe be more willing to visit the senior center in her own area when she returns.

My mom is much the same way - always the "victim" and no one EVER calls enough or comes to visit enough and when you do come to visit, you don't stay long enough. On and on and on. What can you do? They are who they are.

First of all, do not feel badly that you aren't physically closer or that you can't do more. I'm in a similar situation with my father. He lives in Maryland and I live in Texas. My brother lives too close and is overwhelmed because he and his wife let my father manipulate them. My sister-in-law has not spoken to me in almost a year because she suggested in a facebook post last summer that I move my father to Texas and I didn't respond. I didn't take it seriously. What my father has done to their family is horrible. I couldn't believe that she would want to pass it on. It isn't my responsibility nor my brother's to let our father's destructive behavior destroy us. I cannot get my brother and his wife to understand that I love them and care about them and the solution is not for me to pick up where they want to leave off with my father. They should have established limits a long time ago. Without intending to they have enabled by father's poor behavior. My father has options. He won't take advantage of any of them. Because it is easier for him to sit back and wait for my brother and his wife to do anything and everything for him. Including entertain him. It is ridiculous. My father's behavior is inexcusable. I know he knows what he is doing and that he feels entitled. I don't understand it. I won't tolerate it. He won't take the initiative to take care of himself in any way, shape or form. It is his choice. He is able to he just chooses to do nothing. I'm sorry I went off here. I really needed to get this off of my chest. I also have been helped by the responses to your post. It is a difficult situation.

The truth is that if you do your best that is all you can do. Suggest that your mother-in law check out the senior center. Even though he won't use it, It is available to my dad. They even offer free transportation. Best wishes:)

See if there's a fibromyalgia or similar support group in her area; the hospital might know, or her rheumatologist's office or just do some googling. If she has internet access, do some research on fibro support groups for her and share them with her. See if her church has an outreach effort for elderly and disabled people. If you can afford it, see if you can find a neighbor or someone to come in once or twice a week to help her a bit and keep her company at the same time. Get your husband involved; it's his mother, maybe he can be the one to work on practical solutions and/or set boundaries. How about a pet, now that she's retired? A medication change might help the fibro & the depression--something like lyrica or cymbalta, in addition to therapy. People who are depressed, esp. with chronic pain, can't just snap out of it, and that's perhaps interacting w/ her pre-existing personality type and her recent retirement. In the end, when you've tried whatever practical solutions you can, you just have to accept that this is who she is, and politely and firmly set your boundaries and enforce them. For yourself, you could try seeking out internet support groups for families of people with fibro; a quick google found http://www.fibromyalgia-symptoms.org/forums/Fibromyalgia_... and http://www.everydayhealth.com/fibromyalgia/fibromyalgia-e...

You have to BE a friend to HAVE a friend. Friendship is reciprocal, and she is only demanding not giving. The fact that you love her is making this difficult. If she were just a person you had met at work, would you still want to talk to her? I would be loving but blunt, perhaps write her a letter and lay out how you feel about her - you love her but she is responsible for her own happiness.
Having said all that, fibromyalgia is terrible, being in pain almost all the time is very depressing, and once depressed people do not think straight.
Her husband should speak to her physician and find out what else can be done to make her more comfortable, and perhaps address the depression issue. Good luck.

Yes, my ex's mother was just like this. She had 7 children and called every one of them daily! She was addicted to pain killers and depressed. She did get visitors often, since most of her children/spouses, and grandchildren lived in the same state, but it was never enough. Her husband had emotionally "checked-out" years before. She was diagnosed with cancer and given two years to live. I did not agree to marry him until after she died... I couldn't have dealt with her as a MIL. She hated ALL of her children's spouses.

I'm afraid I would just stop answering the phone.

One day....everyone will realize how she feels. Because there comes a time when you only want family to show their love for you...when you are facing the inevitable.

Minus the dementia, she sounds like my friend's grandmother. Be glad you are far away and don't have to physically be there to entertain her daily. Friend's sister admitted to putting the phone down in the AM so she could feed her children breakfast and once she FORGOT about Grandma. Grandma wasn't saying anything. She just wanted to be included somehow. I understand that with those conditions, it's easy to be in woe is me mode and not want to (or be able to) get out as much. I'm wondering if a senior center would have a program she'd like that's low-impact enough for her to attend, but at the end of the day, she needs to take responsibility for her own life and health (mental and physical).

Can she work a computer...if so, what about getting her a webcam? That way, if you have one and her other son has one, you all could skype each other and talk. It's not the greatest solution, but it would pacify some time for her and she could see you daily. My MIL was a little like your MIL although she belonged to card club and played bingo. The thing that kept my MIL occupied during her lonely days was to play games on the Internet and chatting on the net with people from all over the world. The great thing about the Internet is anonymity--maybe your MIL could do that if she's to social. It would occupy some of her time. Could she possibly do part-time volunteering at a hospital? I know many older people who enjoy that type of work.

Sorry, I wish I could be more helpful:(

Well, my situation is pretty much what you've described...with the exception that my MIL never seems to need ANYTHING to FILL the void. She's quite happy it seems to sit and "look at the walls" (as she puts it). She doesn't read, sew, crochet or have any friends. Sadly, they live about 10-15 minutes from us and her daughter's family but she can go weeks without expressing a desire to see her grandchildren. I'm sure she has depression, but no matter how many times help has been offered or suggested, she refuses.
My conclusion: Her life. Her decision.
Needless to say, she's not a big part of anyone's lives and none of us are a big part of hers. She fills her world enough for herself, I guess. After a while, you just stop trying to reach out.
For me, her life and the way she lives it is a HUGE "don't" example for myself. Now that my son is a little older, he sees it as well.

what to do....
CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER !
and change the locks !
K. h.