Am I in Denial? - Beaverton,OR

Keep trying therapy until you find a therapist that works. No one says all therapists are the same...find one who specializes with children who have been abandoned.

My cousins were adopted and went through this...it took YEARS of therapy for them to learn to live with what happened to them. No one kid, no one therapist is the same. Keep searching...good luck.

My son exhibits those same characteristics. He is diagnosed as high functioning autistic and he also has ADHD. The lack of social skills is a huge indicator.

Well, I certainly don't know you or your child.
But it sounds like he needs something.
Please know that even if you are the poster child for Great Step Mothers, this child has been abandoned by his mother. That's a LOT for any child to deal with.
Start somewhere. Be his advocate. make sure he gets any & all of the help that he needs, OK?
He's lucky to have you in his corner! Good luck!

I almost missed that you had tried before. First off it sounds like he needs more help than he is getting. Which just means you need to keep trying until you find something that works teh best for him.

I really think that counseling and dealing with issues can be alot like peeling layers from an onion, sometimes you can get quite deep and other times it's very slow and you need to stay at the surface until you/Ds is ready.

Also, wanted to mentin that the school might be recommending therapy where he does role play and learns how to act acceptably, where as the therapy before might have been play or talk therapy dealing more with feeling sucure after the foster homes. so two different goals in my mind. Yes try a different therapist, Yes try it again, it might be very very slow progress but i don't think i would give it up. It sounds like he reallyneeds to figure this out now before highschool and beyond, so he can be as independent as possible as an adult.

check to see if there is a summer camp program for autistic or asperger's kids I've heard great things about those!

I cannot even imagine the psychological fog the 9 year old must be in with his own mother abandoning him. He's old enough to understand that choice.

I would imagine he'll need therapy off and on for a while depending upon how severe the neglect and home conditions were for him. Did he also have to care for his younger sibs while mom was strung out? Was he responsible for feeding them and tending to their needs all alone quite often? He probably doesn't connect because there is no other kid at school who has survived something as horrible as you have described. The emotional scars from that kind of past will obviously result in a very complicated array of emotional states.

I think it's best you shop around for a better fit in child hood counselors, develop an on-going relationship, one that you can check in and out with over the next several years.

Wow, you are one wonderful step mom to be aware of his issues and also providing a non-judgemental home for him :)

Therapists are not one size fits all. It's not surprising that the one you tried, might not have fit with your son. I think you have teachers and school psychologist telling you he needs more help. It's probably time to find a therapist who will be a good fit. He's disconnected, not able to cope socially. This needs to be dealt with now, in my opinion.

Also, how long did you try therapy? It can take a while for therapy to help, and it's really an emotional and time investment. A few tries at therapy, is not going to help most people.

It sounds to me as though he most likely has some significant attachment trauma, due to bio mom's having been checked out on drugs, and having had multiple caregivers until 3 years ago. Bouncing a kid around in foster care is incredibly destructive to their ability to attach securely to other people (which is one of a multitude of reasons why our foster care system is in need of a significant overhaul).

His "disconnection" that looks as though he is "on another planet" may very well be dissociation, the "escape when there is no escape." Kids with emotionally unresponsive or physically neglectful mothers often begin dissociating fairly early, as a means of surviving the terror of encountering a mother who does not respond. Over time, dissociation will often become the child's primary means of coping. The child will then resort to it at any time when his or her world becomes too painful, frightening, or overwhelming to bear. And when a child has been through what your son has been through, that can be a good deal of the time.

When the experience of emotional and/or physical neglect is followed by being bounced around in foster care, it is nearly impossible for the child to come out without significant attachment trauma. He may very well have gotten the brunt of it, because he was the oldest, and the younger two may very well have relied on their big brother to be the stabilizing force in their lives (despite the fact that he was only a little boy himself). I would suggest that you find a counselor who specializes in working with attachment issues, and will work with you and your son TOGETHER.

As for the Asperger's diagnosis, I doubt that he has Asperger's. Kids with Asperger's usually do not want hugs, to the point that in some cases they find touch aversive. They are NOT inclined to ask teachers (or anyone else, for that matter) for hugs. Kids with attachment trauma, on the other hand, will frequently be nondiscriminatory in their attachments, sometimes even approaching total strangers for hugs.

Good luck to you. And bless you for giving these three boys some stability. They are very fortunate to have you.

He sounds similar to my son (6) who also has ADHD. (the hugging, the difficulty initiating with peers... he also (not sure whether the same is true of your son) has a tough time knowing whether other kids LIKE him or WANT to play with him... he does much better with girls than boys though, particularly girls a few years older) Many symptoms of aspergers present mildly in ADHD as well. Doesn't necessarily mean you need to look at another diagnosis... just be aware that it's a spectrum and there are some places where ADHD is going to overlap.

If the adderall isn't working well enough, I'd talk to the doctor about adjusting the dose. (I know we never want to over-medicate, but if we're giving medicine that isn't working... then it's wasted so we're medicating for no reason).

I'd also try to go back to therapy. Find a different therapist, maybe one who specializes in children with ADHD or other disorders rather than just a family therapist. But be prepared for it to be several sessions before you see any change. (your insurance should cover therapy for ADHD if the doctor refers you since it's a psychological disorder).

Hope this helps. Good luck.

T.

I think that you should try the therapy. I would find one that specializes in the issues he has. Not all child theropist are going to be knowlagable about his issues.

Good Luck and God Bless!

I don't know if I'd jump to the conclusion that he has asperger's esp if he only has mild symptoms. I do think therapy would be nice, just a good way for him to be able to talk to someone. So definitely keep trying and like others have said, you might need to try multiple therapists and make sure to spend enough time with each. =) Good luck!

If the school has noticed that he needs some help with social skills, I would Definately get him evaluated. It sounds like he's Misinterpreting actions of his peers and doesn't know how to respond, doesn't know how to initiate, join in play with his peers, etc. Does he spend time alone during recess? Does he have any friends? Is he attentive? Does he look up when someone calls his name? How are his gross motor skills? A little clumsy? Slow? Awkard at times? Does he have Sensory issues? If a child is a little bit "off", it makes a huge difference to get them the right help. A speech therapist who teaches social thinking concepts (such as Michelle Garcia winner) wil help him tremendously. They work on theory of mind. But you have to find a speech therapist that understands this. Speech therapy is not just about saying words correctly. It's about social connections, expectations, thinkjng about other peoples perspective (that they have one), behaviour. If he's having difficulty with sensory issues, occupational therapy is great. They get them moving their vestibular systems, swinging, working on touching different textures, etc. it's actually a lot of fun. It builds their confidence, which is most important with these kids. They also have social groups where they play with other kids (unfortunately its usually with other kids who have similar issues) and work on social concepts. There's a lot out there that could help him. My daughter was diagnosed with aspergers and she has improved so much. Her symptoms are very mild, but enough to cause us concern. Your pediatrician or school psychologist should have some recommendations for therapy. Get him some help!

My daughter is an attorney specializing in family law and has had many cases of children in this same situation. She always recommends therapy because without it many children never recover. It sounds like he needs some kind of security if he is asking for hugs from his teachers. If it is possible for you to be at the school (maybe in a volunteer role) that those hugs could come from you.

I would look for a new therapist and/or find a place that does full psychological evaluations on children. Once you know what his issues are, you can effectively address them with help from people experienced in those issues.

Tltc.org is a WONDERFUL place in CT that I rec to parents.

You might find it helpful to read the info on this website: about the staff, the articles, the blogs, etc.

Kristen

He needs a therapist that would do things like play acting. He needs to know how to react to social situations. I did this with a young man who had developmental disabilities. We practiced a friendship hug (from the side), shaking hands, friend hugs, etc...it was alien to him and it was a long hard process.

Getting him evaluated will help immensely. If he does have aspbergers it will be greatly beneficial to learning now to deal with these issues and telling the school he has this as part of his personality, they need to be on the same page too. He should be able to get this done by the school psychologist if they are qualified. If not then the kids medical card provider could give you some good referrals.

I would recommend a good naturopathic doctor who does homeopathy. Homeopathy can work wonders with autism, hyperactivity, etc.. I know a great naturopathic doc who practices in Milaukie, OR. She specializes in children and has had great success!!! Her name is Dr. Mary Frazel, phone number is ###-###-####. Best of luck to you!!!!