Am I Being Selfish???

Awwwww! I feel so bad for you. It is hard to get some kind of validation from husbands a lot of the time. You know that you love him. It is your own insecurities that start to make you feel like maybe he doesn't love you as much as you love him.

My husband used to get so frustrated when I would tell him that I wanted HIM TO WANT to seek me out for a kiss or hug. I wanted HIM TO WANT 'ME' without me having to prompt him. I wanted HIM TO CARE (verb) FOR ME without promptings. Most men just don't get it. I know they love us...in their own way. Most men just like for us to be there to come home to.

However, just like someone said prior to this post, you are creating a relationship that you are not going to be happy with in the end. You are in control of your own life and you can not LET THINGS HAPPEN "TO" YOU. Take charge and communicate what you WANT! If you don't know what you want EXACTLY, you might want to think about that before you bring up the subject. Most men also like to just be told what to do to make you happy because they truly just don't know.

I'm so sorry you feel invisible. If after you talk to him, you don't get any response or active participation in your relationship, counseling and separation are proably advised. You do not want your children to grow up seeing the unimportance shown to you. What kind of parents would that make them?

I'll pray lots for you!! Good luck M.!

I think he should be going all out. But in your case, I think that you both need to open those mouths a little more to each other. Communicate. Once again, men don't take hints well and they can not read minds at all. He may be thinking that he needs to pay attention to his sister and is not trying to snub you he is simply having some tunnel vision about what he sees as a good deed for his sis. We all tend to take the ones closest to us for granted at times but if we never say when we feel this is happening then the other person will have a harder time figuring out what problems are there to deal with. Good luck honey and remember, you are worth the effort. B.

My first thought...Have you told him how invisible you feel? As I'm reading, I notice you didn't say that you told him and that he responded. I firmly believe that people (YOU) teach people how to treat you. If you sit silent and never say anything, why would he assume you were upset? You are teaching him that it is okay for him to ignore you and neglect his family because you will take care of them if he doesn't.

You're not really upset that he is giving her a gift. You're upset because he pays you no mind and you feel taken advantage of. It's a legitimate feeling to have.

I'm the keeper of my home and the main care taker of my daughter. (When I say main care taker that means when my husband has our daughter...that's not called baby sitting and it's not called watching) I decided that I will manage my portion of the duties the way I see fit. I hired a house cleaner to come and do all the scrubbing. I don't do toilets, tubs, showers, sinks and floors. I spend more time with my daughter this way and less time stressed and on my knees. Hire one. It's so nice to come home to the smell of pine sol and bleach that you did not put there.

My suggestion about the gift...tell him that that would be a great idea to get her a gift but tell him that you want to pick it out since you have a womens touch. Then, get a spa day massage for two...you and her...and tell her it was your husbands idea to get her a nice gift for going all out on the kids. That way he looks good, you get a gift from him and at the same time, you look agreeable.

Seriously though, you need to spend some time talking to him...not when you are upset or angry. Set time aside...undestracted from the kids. Don't nag. Don't bring up stories or examples (unless needed to help explain better) and just tell him how you feel. Ask him what he thinks a solution would be? Listen. Don't get mad or frustrated. Listen. Tell him you feel alone. Abandoned. Unappreciated. Overlooked. Tell him you know he's not doing it on purpose. Be on his side but explain that you are hurt by his actions. Don't make it about the gift. Make it about what is really going on.

Hope this helps.

I have to agree with Melisa. You are in no way wrong about ANY feelings towards anyone, they are feelings, there is no control over them. However, if you do not express those feelings to the person they are aimed at, the solution will never present itself. He needs to know how you feel, how you dont feel appreciated and your stressed. You should also point out to him thatyouare a person who needs a break just the same as he does. (Let alone your job is harder and there is plenty of research to prove it.)

I would also like to suggest you spend more time out. You need it, or at least that is what it sounds like. If he refuses to watch the children, hire a babysitter. If he refuses to allow you to get a babysitter for time out, I would suggest heavy therapy and maybe a divorce. IF he continues to refuse to see things your way, you both need to see someone, but if he is controling what you do and when you do it, you need to get out.

Well M. your are right 100% he is not showing you the appreciation you deserve. You are a very valuable person and nobody has the right to treat you like that. He is the typical men who does not appreciate his wife, perhaps he prefer to have sex with the fish that with you.
Don't give him everything he wants, you have the power in your hands used it. you are a great person and very smart the more you give the less you receive. There is a way for you to get what you want from him, remenber men are like children, you have the power of manipulation. Wait for the right moment, and if it means to have the sister in your side, them do it. change your tactic of doing things, pretty soon you may get anything you want from your husband. good luck.

I want you know that what you are going through is totally normal. We moms give birth (stay home and raise them?), clean the house, cook the meal, and still are expected to have energy to make our husband happy(at all times!). How old are your twins? It is hard! I recently experienced something similar but with a darn computer game! That was part of the reason why I went back to school. Relationships are always changing and it's hard to stay connected with your spouce at all times, I honestly found that we are closer in every way when we don't spent all of our time together. Don't give up, I promise it will get better.S.

hell no you arnt being selfish. if any body deserves an all out gift its you.. this may seem wierd to you but hey it seemed wierd to me. but i had a boyfriend who was attached to his cell phone to an extent that it was really unnatural. i actually got a tee shirt with a picture of a cellphone keypad on the front. walked right up to him and said "look im a cellphone please pay attention to me!" it was then that he realized how invisible i felt, for me to dress up like the only thing he paid attention to was a real eye opener for him. maybe you should dress up like a fishing pole or maybe a fish or lures or something. and ask him "now that i look like what you want will you pay attention to me?" if that doesnt make him see what hes doing to you then i dont know what will. i feel your pain and i wish you the best. (oh and since then things have been so much better! he still uses his phone of course but man no where near like what he used to) good luck to you!

you say that u spend all day taking care of his daughters,,, are these your daughters also??? looks like they are,,, but have to be sure...what does he want to buy for his sister???? I am so sorry that he has not bought you a xmas present... that is totally wrong.. xmas has come to be so commercial but so what... if he has bought into buying for others... he should buy for you first and foremost...eff the t-shirts and bull sh it.. i know how u feel... i bought gift cards for all of my older relatives.. lol... i bought for my in-law brother a fifty dollar gift card with several lottery tickets.. he gave his brothers a 9.85 gift... and lol,,, nothing for me...so what do we do??? absolutely nothin... forgive and forget for now... the future is up for game... get him then.. explain that it is hurtful to choose his sister over you... seriously

Dear M.,

No, you are not at all being selfish. You are a loving wife and of course your husband should show appreciation for all the things you do for your family.

The problem, I am guessing, is that he sees you as an extension of himself and giving you a gift would be like buying something for himself. He sees no reason to give to you because you are already part of his "team". You are not an "outside" entity to try and impress, like his sister, friend or co-worker. This sounds like he is unintentionally taking you and all the work you do at home for granted. He does not realize he needs to nuture his wife and children above anyone else.

It sounds like your husband needs to hear this kind of feedback from a third party (such as this forum) or from a family counselor in order for him to see it from a different perspective. He does take seriously you or your feeling on this topic because he is only hearing it from you. I hope the feedback you get from this source will help him to see any woman would feel this way and not just you.

I hope this helps.

I can`t believe what I`m reading here!!! Alot of women repond with saying you poor soul...you had the babies and have to take care of them......bla bla!! Just take care of those babies love them and if you are soooo unhappy with your husband, leave him! And by the way, I bet he doesn`t have a clue that you feel this way! You probably want him to read your mind. Please people there are worse problems out there then a xmas preset for a familiy member!!