Am I Being Rude? - Sacramento,CA

I think you're being to nice actually. I would never allow a child anyone's child, to be disrespectful to me in my own home. This is how I would handle this. IF I was OK with the mom hanging out, I would make coffee or tea or whatever, and when her child acts out I would first ask her to address it, and if she can't or won't, I will address it myself. I have no problem telling other peoples kids how to behave in MY home. I also have no problem telling a parent how I expect their child to behave in my house. If you set boundaries most people will respect them.

Pick him up and go somewhere then come back home.

Meet them at the park then offer to let him come over.

Meet her in the driveway and don't go inside the house, let the kiddo run amok outside.

I remember reading a story about an older woman who always kept a coat near her front door. When she saw someone approaching she would pick up the coat before she answered the door. If it was somone she wanted to see she would say 'oh I just got home' -- if it was someone she didn;t want to see she would say 'I'm sorry I need to run to the store' then put on her coat pick up her purse and walk out. When the person was out of sight she went back to her home.
If you don't want to confront her that will work. In my house I would be confronting her and her child. I'm sorry you don't talk to me like that. Or don't chase the dog or whatever he is doing. You can even go so far as to say this is the dog's home, not yours, we don't treat our pets this way.
Modern day version of older woman story.... Have hubby, your mom, or sister call you about 10 minutes after the mom is supposed to arrive to pick up her son. Take the call and say I'm sorry but I need to take the call and walk them to the door as you say to your caller hold on Sue is here to pick up Jonny and they are leaving. Not so subtle but hopefully she will see the behavior is not welcome.

No you are not rude. She is

Rude or not it's an ineffective way to communicate. It doesn't improve the situation. I suggest you be up front with her and discuss how the two of you can get your needs met. It's reasonable for you to state your boundaries. No need to tell her how you feel about her son. No need to give her any reason. Use I statements.

You could start out by saying you only have 10 minutes to talk. Spend that 10 minutes focusing on conversation with her. Then get up and start doing your work. If she stays say ggoodbye and open the door. Make small by talk as you do this. Be friendly. Think of what you want and make it happen.

Often we're taught to be nice and worry about other's feelings. It is not selfish to take care of ourselves. It's our responsibility to let others know our boundaries in a kind way. Some people respond to hints while others need us to be more direct.

I suggest your neighbor is lonely. Perhaps you could plan times when it would be ok for her to stay. Perhaps suggest all of you go to the park together. I suggest that by being friendly while honoring your boundaries you will feel less irritation with the little one.

You may eventually have a straight talk with her friend to friend. When we feel confident in our boundaries and have developed a relationship, no matter that it's casual we are able to consider the needs of both of you.

It's also ok to not spend time with her especially if you don't have anything in common. Just be kind while maintaining your boundaries.

Have your son walk his friend both ways.

You are not being rude. Playdates are a way to get your kids out of your hair so you can get on with your day!

Why aren't you setting boundaries? Why are you leaving it to the other mother to "recognize boundaries?"

I would be very clear with House Rules for the younger rambunctious child.

"We don't hurt/antagonize our pets in this house. If you don't stop I'm going to ask your mother to take you home right away. You have one more chance." You say this firmly in front of the other mom. Then you have to follow through.

At drop off: "I'm sorry, Rita, but I don't have a lot of time to socialize this afternoon. I have a lot of things that I need to get done in a short period time otherwise I would sit and chat."

After a few minutes: "It's been nice chatting and catching up, and I hate to make you feel as if I'm rushing you out, but I have to take care of ___, ___, and ____ while the boys are busy. I'll see you at a ___ pick up time, ok?"

At drop off: "It's so nice to see you. I need to let you know that Jack can only stay until _____ tonight. If you can't pick him up at ____ then I'm going to have to drop him off at your house myself or have my husband do it."

At pick up: "The boys had such a great time! We'll have to do this again on _____ (a couple of days away). Thanks so much for coming over today. It's time to get the kids to family dinner and then homework but we'll talk later?"

Your method seems to work.
Or you just have to tell her, it is the older boys time, and you have things to do, see you later! And stand by the door, like you are about to shut it.
LOL
TELL her, you don't have time to chat. Just be blunt.

Oh I wouldn't ask her for coffee. I mean, do you REALLY want to be friends with her to the point you have socials with, her????

Or also, I would just tell that brat of her's, MIND your manners young man. Be a good guest. We have different rules here.

We have kids over here all the time. Sometimes the sibling is here w/the Mom. But I do... step in if a sibling or the friend is being icky. I don't care if the Mom is there or not. I SAY something. I say that is not the way to behave, this is my house. Mind your manners.

I don't think you're being rude. She is putting you in a tough spot. I agree, a 10-15 minute chat is nice but an hour is too long. She also isn't being respectful by allowing her other son to be so wild.

I wouldn't recommend hiding out too often, because she might think you're not supervising the boys enough if you're never around when she comes by.

Your best bets are walking him home rather than having her come to pick him up. Having your son walk him home without you is even better. I think a three minute walk is certainly acceptable for an 11 year old.

Not at all.
In fact, there have been times when I have stayed longer than I wanted (when dropping off) simply b/c for whatever reason I felt rude to drop and run! Mostly, when I don't know the parents that well, and it is a single play-date and not a group function.

I don't want to interrupt what is going on, or plans, or whatever. But, I do want to say "hey, she's here.. call me if you need me sooner than expected..." or whatever... but when you don't really know the parents all that well, there can be an awkward time of "filling space" before it seems like the right break in the conversation to say "I'm outta here."

I DO love to be able to say--- "here she is. I'll be back. Y'all have fun!" and walk away.... But when you don't know them that well, it almost feels rude sometimes.

At 11, as close as you live, I don't really understand why she is driving him over to your house at all.... Weird.
My daughter is 12, by the way.

R.,

If you are worried about being rude, I'd do it this way: When you call for the playdate, state that you want to catch up on housework while the boys play. Tell her "we can come by and get Kiddo and we'll drop him off at X time." If she's got a kid in tow, she will appreciate not having to do those transitions.

If she says she wants to hang out and chat, just let her know that you want to make a time to do that with her, and ask her when she's got time to steal away for a cup of coffee or a drink in the evening. Put it back to her in the context you find most helpful.

Some people can't take a hint. I would just say, it's great to see you but I've got a million things to do, you can come back at x time to pick Johnny up. Then walk over to the door and open it up (better yet don't even ask her in.) If she comes right out and asks if the younger one can stay, simply say, no sorry, it's just easier for me to have one guest at a time.
Some people have NO idea how to read social clues, it's not rude to point out what they can't see for themselves.

If the younger son is over, you have every right to expect him to behave by YOUR house rules.

All you need to do is say, "Johnny, throwing toys in the house isn't allowed. Stop throwing toys at the dog."

If M. seems bothered by it, just tell her that different places have different rules, and that her younger son needs to learn the rules of your house, also.

Rather than the mother dropping the son off, why don't you just send your son down to the friend's house for him to walk his friend back up to your house? That would eliminate part of the problem.....

Rev. Ruby,
That's why I admire older women! Lol

Please be assured you HAVE to set boundaries with this woman.
I was so afraid of hurting others' feelings that I got taken advantage of. I got resentful and felt like I was going to explode. I had to say "That is not going to work for me." They can't argue with that.

Since you like the friend, do NOT let the younger one over ever. Do not waste one minute feeling guilty. Your son and his friend can play and mom can deal with the brat.

Go pick the boy up and drop him off. That way you can control the visits.

It's not rude, but your expectation is unreasonable in that you think that she should be respecting a boundary that you have only established in your own head. You are choosing to hide and hope that it takes care of itself, instead of addressing it.

And you don't have to have a conversation spelling things out. If she will only come in when you're visible, go to the door and wave AFTER her son enters, and then close the door. If she then comes to the door--huh?--open the door with urgency "Did you forget something?" If she tries to talk, say, "Oh, I'm in the middle of -. I can't talk right now. Let's get together on Tuesday." Then, get with her on Tuesday. Be firm and brief. That will help you to feel some control.

Now, about the unruly kid. I think that when you take more control of when you see him, then you'll not feel as bad about him. Right now, you are hating--hating?--him because you don't get to say when he's in your space. When he makes a demand of you, correct it--"Are you asking me or telling me? Well, if you're telling me, then the answer is no. If you're asking me, then here's what you need to say...". Don't look at it as telling him what to do. Look at it as teaching somebody how to communicate with you.

It sounds like you two hold different values. I think you should keep doing what you are doing.

Perhaps the next time she visits, you should mention, "We don't use that language (or throw balls at the dog)" to the little guy.

Maybe.

But some people don't get subtle.
OR direct, for that matter!

Hide away!