Almost Teen Boy

Hi M.,

I was a single Mom for a while with 1 son. I have learned to ask him a lot of questions, rather than just give them a bunch of information. My son is now 15 1/2 years old and I am the one that has given him all of the talks about girls, sex, growing up, etc. Again, ask him questions about his thoughts about relationships and sex. Do not give more information than you feel is appropriate. This is exactly why I have had numerous conversations with my son. Feel free to contact me directly at ###-###-#### if you would like to speak live. That is my cell phone and no one but me answers it. Best of Luck, V.

Hi M.,

Let me first say that I would highly recommend that you also be his friend. He needs to be able to come to you and ask you questions and tel you what's going on. Let him know that is ok to talk to you about things, so that he has the confidence in doing so. I guess some kids start early but you do have to talk to him about what's important in his life right now and that is school. My daughter would tell me that in elementary there were kids holding hands and calling each other GF BF., which I think is way too young. Have a conversation with him with was is allowed. All the best.
E.

Marciela, I hear what you are saying. For years I have worked with kids and their families and this is a very common question.

First, he is 10. Treat him like he is 10. What do you want or expect of him? Make sure it is clear to him what you find acceptable and not.

2. Girls and boys "like" each other, but don't really know what that means. They see things on tv or from their parents and they "immitate". Ask your son what hugging means to him. Ask him why he does what he does. Find out what he is thinking before you jump to any conclusions about what to tell him or what "talk" to have with him.

3. Be honest. Tell your son what you want him to know. Do not sugar coat thing. But on the same token, do not give him too much grown up info. He may have hugged her because he is a nice boy. He would probably do that for a guy friend as well. Would you consider having the sex talk with him if he told you he helped a guy friend stay warm?

4. Keep talking. Ask him about his day. Ask him about his friends. Keep the lines of communication open.

5. He is 10, he not "alomst a teen". Let him be 10.

6. Being a single mom is tough enough without having to worry about "hugging" so soon. Is he close to his father or any other adult male that you trust and respect? Maybe your father? A neighbour? One of those metnoring companies like boys and girls club or something like that. Get him connected to a guy that he can talk to. Yes it would be great if he told you everything but in the next couple of years, he might not want to. You need to set him up for success now.

M., you are a great mom. You know that. Let him be the great kid that you know he is. Help him to be that. Don't worry about what could be, focus on what is.

B.
Family Success Coach

PS: that response that came that said kids that age are having sex...i have been working with families for over 25 years...sorry have never seen or heard of kids that age having sex. Trust your son and how you have raised him.

This is a GREAT time, to forge a close bond with him as he enters into another milestone age.
Make sure to KEEP communication open, so that he comes to you with anything, big or small, problems or not... so that you will always be in-the-loop in his life.
The last thing you want, is for him to keep "secrets" or not tell you anything.

Its GREAT that he came to you with this situation and sharing his "life" with you. Keep it up.

AND, make sure you teach him how to treat girls... and that sometimes girls are not so nice either and some are.... so to keep his wits about him etc. ie: the girl telling him she's "cold" and if he can "hold" her. Um, yah, that was slick of her.

So many things to learn at this age.
Just keep an open dialogue. Even if you don't know what to say, then just listen and let him know you are always there for him no matter what and you both are a "team." A boy's Mom is a big influence in his life... and they need you.

Yes, its about being his "Mom" and not a friend. Just because you listen to his life and he tells you confidences it does not mean you are being a "friend"... you are being MOM. The 1 person he goes to with all his feelings and questions. The 1 person he can and should trust with anything to guide him.

Sure, education/academics are important... and instill that by helping him to evaluate priorities & goals. But, at the same time, a boy or girl will begin to socialize with the opposite sex and have experiences no matter what and no matter how much homework they have and no matter how naive or not.
So, guide him. Talk about it. Form a "tradition" with him about it... perhaps sitting down once a week just to talk and see what he is going though etc. And begin to have "rules" about what you expect too. Curfews, dating, not being alone with a girl in her room kind of thing, introducing himself/the girl to the parents and you etc. Sure he's young to "date" but... it will only develop more as he gets older, and its always never to late to start instilling these things in them.

Main thing is to be open and honest and respectful. Then a teen will be more prone to talk to you, the Parent. And respect who he is... that he is growing up, but you are proud of him etc.

Sometimes, even though my kids are MUCH younger, I will tell them "Mommy doesn't have the answer for that right now... let me think about it and we'll talk about it later together. But for now, you can tell me whatever is on your mind... I like when you share your thoughts..." Then the kid feels you are "approachable."

But no, do not leave it alone... talk about it. It can just be casual or a planned sit down. Him telling you all this is a BIG open door for both of you to bond and build a rapport... and he will know that you are there for him.

All the best,
Susan

I have told my 10 yr old daughter that she shouldn't be letting boys hang on her or hug her. And she is not allowed to date until she's sixteen. We had the "talk" when she was nine. Don't be afraid to voice your concerns to your son. Afterall, wouldn't you rather he got his info from you or from friends, tv, etc.?

M.-
I was very upfront with both my boys. I gave them all the facts. Thank goodness I did! Now they both come to me when they have questions & their friends come to me too. So far, my 15 year old has responded the best. They have female friends, but they know the dangers.

Honestly, I would not worry about it. I think it's sweet and compassionate of him :) It's not like he was groping her...let this one go Mama! IF you can't help yourself and decide to talk about it, don't give him the "birds and the bees" talk. It's great he feels comfortable to talk with you about these things, it doesn't mean you're "his friend", it means that you're approachable and that he feels comfortable to talk to you...good job!!!

Good luck!

M.,
This is definitely too young to be asked by a young girl (also) to be held. That girl is obviously not getting enough male attention in her family. Also I work at an elementary school and this stuff is absolutely inappropriate. There are still dress codes, codes of conduct and many other rules that are inforced. I would explain to him that this is considered inappropriate behavior for the school he is at. If this girl had made a claim that he touched her (and she twisted the story around) he would be facing punishment. He just needs to stand his ground and let her know that this is not a good behavior. Tell her to bring a jacket! There are many things he can say.

Again yes he is growing up. Look at Amazon or Barnes and Noble for some books that talk about the preteen years for you and your son. Keep open communication, that will be key for anything that comes your way. Educate yourself so that you can help him when he needs to make these decisions. You are a good mom, trust yourself, you will be able to make good decisions, be calm and don't over react.

~~D.

Hi M.,

Sometimes smiling and saying nothing is the best thing you can do. Your son's behaviors are totally age-appropriate. Negotiating relationships with others is fundamental to learning how to socialize and build lasting friendships. While you aren't going to change your son's focus just by telling him to, you should feel very blessed.

The fact that he felt so comfortable opening up to you about this is huge. You have clearly established an trusting relationship with him in which he feels safe being honest with you and he knows that you won't judge him for his feelings. The best thing you can do right now is to cultivate that. Make sure that he knows that he is always free to come to you. Continue to invite more conversations. You don't need to have all the answers here. Just open the lines of communication. Your son is very lucky.

Be well,
G. B., M.A.
www.GilaBrown.com

Follow your gut! It's time for "the talk!" Let him know what happens when there is more intimate contact. Unfortunately, kids today are pulled into sex far earlier than many of us of older generations. Remind him that it is nice to hold her and keep her warm, but there needs to be a special concern and care for her, and other girls, caring for them and their sexual safety. Boys and girls both need to be protected and be advised to stay pure.

Best of luck!
A.

I'm really not sure what advice to give you, but I think it's very cool that he wanted to tell you about it. That's a very good sign, in my opinion, and a communication channel you want to keep open.

Good luck!

Hi M.,

I have a teenage boy, age 14 1/2, and I ran into the same issue right about your son's age. My advice, be frank and tell him the truth, as uncomfortable as it may be, it is important that it comes from you. I guarenteed you that he probably knows more than you want him to know. Most teens are well aware of sex, etc. I would start off gently and tell him that you want him to trust you and that you want to make sure he make the right decisions as time goes on. Tell him to ask you any questions regarding sex, or ask him what he thinks sex means. You will be surprise as to what he might tell you. Take your time, if you are not sure how to answer his questions, then tell him you'll get back to him soon. At the end, my son always thanks me, and knows it was difficult for me to tell him these things, but he was clear about the consequenses and appreciates it. I wish you luck, but please talk to your child. After all, statistic say, that parents who talk to their kids about sex are more likely to have protected sex and will not end up with unplanned children themselves while they are kids! There are so many STDs out there amongst kids, it is better to be safe than sorry. Take you time and as he continues to grow, more questions will arise.

This is a great opportunity that has presented itself to facilitate THE TALK. Do an internet search to find a good book that deals with the issue, or ask your mamasource moms.

On the other hand, it is also a good opportunity to cover two other issues with him:

1. to praise him for responding the way he did in helping another person, for being a GENTLEMAN

2. To plant the seed of how to treat women, to be caring, supportive, etc.

Good luck

M., please talk to him! This is the perfect opportunity to discuss relationships and your values. You want him to be able to come to you with questions about friends, girl friends, friends that are girls, etc. That gives you the chance to find out what he thinks and let him know what you think.

I am grateful my 13 yr old son and 10 yr old daughter both come to me (seperately)to ask questions about their crushes, like how do you know if they like you, what should they do, etc. My 14 yr old niece talks to me too about boys.

Be very open and honest. Let him know his feelings are normal and how to handle them and himself. Try not to judge, just listen and discuss options, what if scenarios, etc. Help him learn to think about what he wants, want he should do and how he should act. This is your best opportunity to guide him. No subject should be taboo because you want him to come to you for information and advice. Also this should be just one of a continuing series of discussions. If you both get comfortable with them now, when he's older and the issues are more serious it will be natural for him to come to you.

Good luck! This is a testament to his comfort with and trust in you.

I have an 11 year old boy and although he is not into girls right now or other teen staff we thought it will be better for him to hear those things from us rather than from peers at school. There are so many resources you can use and keep the talk easy and not very detailed. He also needs to know about all the changes he will experiment during puberty ad most important that those feelings and changes are perfectly normal. Give him confidence and don't make a big deal of that. So remember you should be his first source of information. Good luck

ps: Look for Dr. Laura Berman advice on how to talk to your kids about sex and other teen issues

Talk talk! How great that he's sharing with you! You have such a great opportunity to keep close with him...
I am SURE he knows where babies come from. I imagine you might alienate him if you assume he doesn't know anything! And then he would feel much less understood by you if you assume what he knows and what he doesn't know.
Buy a book that has answers to all kinds of things you might lose the nerve to talk about, and open a conversation by telling him you're sure his friends talk about growing up and girls but you want to make sure he has the correct information about these things because sometimes he will hear things about sex that aren't the truth, and you're giving him a book because anything he feels he can't ask you, he can get a reliable answer in the book. Then just leave it open- tell him no pressure to talk right now, but you are always there for him. always.
good luck!

If he hasn't gotten the full sex talk yet, he should immediately. Most kids should get it around 9 or 10. That's when kids start talking about it, according to what my kids hear at school. 5th grade seems to be really the age girls start liking boys a lot more. I have a fifth grader also and she tells me about some kids who give each other little pecks on the cheek, kids that like each other. Just tell him he's too young for this and if this girl says things like this again, to not hold her next time. That's about all you can do, but it is pretty natural at this age for some kids to start these kind of things, even if they are too young!

Talk to him!
There are lots of books out there if you need help. Ones for you to read to coach you in your talk. Ones for them to read if you're not good at talking. Ones for both of you to read and discuss.
I talked to my kids about everything and expressed my opinions and what I thought was acceptable and unacceptable behavior. And, now my daughter talks to me about everything. She's 17 and she comes home and talks non-stop about her days and what happened.
Start talking now and they'll keep talking later.
Good luck,

Hi M.,
I have a 11 year old son in the 6th grade. He just started to like girls. At first it was hard for me to accept that he was growing up and becoming a little man. What helps me deal with this new phase is that I constantly talk to him and ask how things are going how are his friends both boys and girls. He does not seem to get tired of me asking. He does have a friend that is a girl that he has told me he likes. We have invited her to places when we go out as a family and he likes that. I also told him that he could not have a girlfriend until he was 16 because what is important now is his education (my husband thinks that is harsh but oh well :)). There will be a time and a place for the girlfriend thing. He didn't seem to mind since we invite the friend to outings with us. I just keep telling myself one step at a time. Our babies are growing up. :( Good Luck hope this helps.

At school....a warm hug when you meet/say hello and another when you say goodbye is all that is allowed. Work from that angle and explain that in elementary and middle school all you are allowed to do is a quick hug; no holding hands, no kisses, no holding someone who is cold. Those are things for high school and that new priviledges come with growing older and when appropriate.

If it persists, talk to his teacher and have her ask the yard duty personnel to keep an eye on them.

Hope this is helpful.

I'm not a mom to a teenager, but I have a son and read the responses and had to say a couple of things.
Bravo that your son is talking to you, you're on the right track!
I would be mortified if MY mom came back to me with a sex talk after an innocent encounter.
Instead of lecturing, ask HIM questions. What did that hug mean? How did it make you feel? Does this change your relationship with her? Would you do this at school? What would you do if she asks for something you don't feel comfortable with? Would she ask another boy to warm her, if you were not there?
Your reactions could be, "I'm glad you told me I want you to feel comfortable talking to me about anything. Do you have any questions or concerns?"
Then you can say, or think about, the next conversation.
One of my fondest memories was a boy that constantly chased me since the 2nd grade. He kissed my hand, he would chase me, we would 'get married' at recess. He never graduated high school and died of Leukemia. Our play was special, not dirty or sexual. It was a sweet, and innocent experience.
He's not jumping too far ahead and growing up, it's a natural part of growing up : )
Best of luck!!

Hi M. :)

Take it from me, there is no such thing as too soon. Talk to your son.. I held off on talking about a lot of things only to find out my son was all too aware. Now, I probably drive him crazy - always talking, talking, talking about EVERYTHING!

Todays "world" is WAY different that what we grew up in, you can see this in the cartoons and so called kid programming, they're subjected to bad stuff from a VERY early age. Don't be scared to talk to him, if he's not in a situation now where he needs to hear it, he will be soon enough and it's better to have him prepared with the knowledge.

my two cents :)
W.

yes you need to sit down and talk to him like YESTERDAY! Kids his age are having sex, not a ton, but they are out there.