18 answers

15 Yr Old Son and Sexual Activity

My son is 15 and is becoming sexually active. However, I know this only because I have read his IM and text messages to his girlfriend. The stuff he says shocks me. I have tried to talk to him about this in the past but he lies (which I did not know at the time) and says he has only kissed (or with the new GF) not kissed at all. I know this is the average age for teen boys to start engaging in sexual activity but my question is really about how to talk to him about it. 1st because i know only because I was "snooping" and second how to get a teen to understand about the nuances of relationships and sexuality. My first thought was to ground him for 3 years, but clearly that is not going to work!

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you for all your comments. I had a frank discussion with my son about his activities and his readiness, both physically and psychologically for the responsibilities of sexual activity. I also talked with him about going to the Dr. to get tested.

Featured Answers

Have his Dad talk to him. It should not have to be about specifics--just general information, health issues, safety and being a good "guy".

More Answers

I first want to say that I use to teach sex ed to teens when I was a teen myself. So I know a bit about how kids will laugh and act silly when you talk to them about sex. See if there is a program in your area that he could go and get info on sex. Let him know that you just want to educate him on the topic and your not trying to run or ruin(which most teens think) his life. I think you should supply him with protection and let him know that he WILL go and see a doctor regulary and get tested for STD's so as to be a responsible person. Responsible for himself and the girl he likes. A lot of teens don't go to doctors until they are in trouble. Try to relate sexual responsiblities to something that he likes(ie sports, music, playing video games, etc.)
Finally you should talk to him about love. That is the part of sex education that parents can only teach their kids. I would end my discussions to kids by telling them to go home and talk to their parents about love. Makes it easy to segway into sex ed and responsibility as a sexualy active person.
Hope this helps!!!

1 mom found this helpful

The best advice I ever saw was from my brother....he simply said to his sons....look, If and when the time comes, help yourself to the condoms in the drawer. He physically opened it a showed them it was FULL of assorted types, brands....even colors, all loose in the drawer. They could take a couple and nobody would ever notice any missing. There was an assortment. He told them to ALWAYS have two with them...He reached in grabbed a few and handed them to each and walked away, not giving them time to react.

He'd refill it by a few handfuls here and there....making sure to keep it so full that they were not embarrassed to be "sneaking a few". And eventually there was even a pattern of which ones they preferred.

Obviously it would be better coming from a guy....like a shared secret hiding place of loose condoms.

So, it costed him a dozen boxes of condoms to start. It spared them the need to lie about their sex lives and gave them a safety net too.

1 mom found this helpful

Once My Mom looked through my diary and I was heart-broken when I found out. It took a long time for me to forgive her..I understand now as a mother it was, because she was concerned for me.......try telling that to a 13 year old. So I'm sure this is just as hard with a 15 year old. When he's alone in his room go in state your feelings about sex and then let him know that although you're not agreeing with sexual activity you still want him to know that it's always OK to come to you for support(emotional), and that you strongly advise in safe forms of sex.

1 mom found this helpful

He will respect you more if you approach him and speak to him like an adult. Unfortunately you can't be with him all the time to make sure he is not having so the best thing would be to teach him about safe sex. Let him know about diseases and pregnancy and actually give him condoms. He may be grossed out by it but it will stick. Good luck!

I tend to think it's time to sit your boy down and talk openly about love, relationships, sex, HIV, AIDS, safe sex, masturbation and the responsibilites that comes with
making girls pregant and all the changes all the above will make in his life and how it would effect everyone else around him.
Then give him books and other written info to back up what you have told him and ask him to read it all and answer all his questions. Ask him what he thinks and feels about it all...and listen.
Take your time and cover it all...If at first he doesn't seem interested in talking about it, it may be because he isn't comfortable talking about it with his MOM...but keep talking to him....help him to feel comfortable talking with you.

I have a 15 year old son also. He has a "girlfriend" for about 1 year. Im sure they have kissed. But I have no proof of anything else. But I explained the risks involved,
when and if they have sex. Teenage parents and more importantly, the life altering or even fatal diseases he is at risk for. He is very closed mouthed about his relationship. But I feel that constant communication on my part will stick in his head, and hopefully help him make the right choices.

Dear M.,

First, that was brave to ask this question. It must be hard. However, if you talk to him, perhaps it can be approached from your experiences in dating and what it feels like as a girl/woman. What it means to be respected and treated kindly. And, perhaps you can have his father or another male adult figure speak to him about what they have learned. This way there is no accusation making him feel defensive. He doesn't have to lie, and he is able to hear other's experiences. All the best of luck.

Grounding him for three years isn't going to help. Just tell him you know you can't watch him 24/7, so you would like him to use protection even though you don't approve of his sexual activity right now. Is there anyway your husband can have a talk with him? Also, tell him he doesn't want to become a parent at an early age, so you would like him to be careful and to focus on finishing high school at least. Hope this advice helps you.

Hi M.,

It is a difficult thing when you find out your child is sexually active but denies it. My son started out around that age and his GF was older. I just told him while I understand you may be uncomfortable speaking with me about this it is a very serious issue. There are too any STD's that are incurable and life threaten. I offered him a box of condoms and some literature on those diseases, teen pregnancy, and being responsible. I too had that 3 year grounding Idea, but what was done was done. Be strong. He may eventually come around. You may be uncomfortable but leave him some condoms with a note saying how much you love him and value his young life.

Well, the facts are he is sexually active. You can pretend he isn't and move on or start talking to him about sex, sexually transmitted diseases, and pregnancy. I would contact her parents and see how they feel about this and maybe you can get together and talk with your son and his girlfriend. They are not going to stop so informing them seems to be the most important thing you can do. I would say keeping the lines of communication open and honest is the best parenting you can do at this point. It certainly would be easier to lock him up but if he wants to have sex...he's going to have sex. Oh, the things to look forward too:)

This topic was just on the Today Show this morning! They said to tell your children that you are watching their My Space page and any other things on the computer. Then you are not snooping and they know they are being monitored. There are ways to access everything- just employ the help of someone computer savvy. They also said that in a teenage relationship, it becomes sexual when they have dated for 6 weeks. I am not sure how it was with your parents, but my parents were very strict with me. I never had a a boy in the house if they were not there and even if they were there, a boy never was allowed in my room. Those rules applied at other houses too, my mom came and picked me up once, when she realized that my boyfriend's mom was not home. It usually happens at the boy's house, so be vigilant and make sure he is not left alone. Also be proactive. Talk to your son and his girlfriend about STD's, pregnancy and taking a relationship to that level. How sex means more to a girl (emotions etc...). Listen to them and have empathy, don't dismiss their feelings. Love at 15 is everything to them and they just can't grasp that it won't last. If you are more liberal- than get him condoms. Actually, drive him to Walgreens and let HIM go in to buy them. If he is ready to have sex, then he should be able to buy them himself. Also talk to the girl's mother, more in a "this is how it is at our house and I wanted to make sure we were on the same page so we are not grandparents soon." It may be uncomfortable talking about sex with your son, but the consequences of not dealing with it, will be more uncomfortable. Good Luck and p.s. we all lied when we were teenagers- I didn't start telling the truth until I was in my 20s!!!! :)

This is the kind of conversation that may be easiest if it came from someone else like maybe his dad or an uncle. If that is not possible and you can't seem to get through to him yourself, call your local Planned Parenthood office or the Health Department. They may have counselors there who can talk to him about safe sex, etc. Good Luck! I am dreading this myself someday...

This is tough, I am dreading when my lil one gets older and I have to deal with issues like this.

Now that you know, you must deal with it, make him talk. I am sure you could get many pamphlets and such from his doctor or a local family planning clinic, but those would be for you, a 15 year old boy will not read them unless you tie him down and make him. Educate yourself and open up a conversation. Give him condoms and also ask about what kind of birth control/std testing the girl has had. If she has never been tested I would have him tested just for peace of mind, and the experience of being tested will scare him into safe practices for the future.

I personally would not tell the girl's parents. I would want to be told in their position, but in your position I think it would only ruin you and your son's chances at having an open relationship regarding these matters. If you tell her parents they may keep her away from him/ground her and that will only anger him, close him off to you, and force him to find a new sexual partner.

Good Luck with the talk. Just remember, what's done is done, don't try to lecture or punish him, be his friend at this point and that's really the only way for you and him to be able to talk about this. If he absolutely refuses to talk with you about this, is there a male around that you would trust to discuss these matters with him?

first of all.....don;t let him know you snooped! He will never trust him again. Plus he could make his profile private then you will never know what he is doing on the computer! I do think it is a good idea to have his dad or possibly an older male cousin/ family friend talk to him. If that isn't a possibility, just make it a short and to the point talk. No mater what it will be awkward for a 15 yr old boy to talk to his mom about it! Obviously he is doing it already....so don't make him feel ashamed or like he is wrong. Now you need to be concerned about getting him to use protection so they don't get pregnat or get dieases. Leave condoms in his room for him...so he doesnt have to ask or be embarrased about buying them, .... he'll get the hint! Then have him spend the day wiht a little baby. A friends, or family members baby.... and make him do all the work........ he will then make sure he doesn't get any girl pregnat. 15 yr olds need actual experience, because at that age no matter what you say to him, he will justify his behavior. At that age wwe all thought we were invincible, and oh it would not happen to me type of mentality. Just remeber when you were that age. I hope this helps... good luck. I am sure it will eb fine, just another stage we as families have to go through.
P.S. no Pamphlet will help...come on he is a 15 yr old boy!

i have a 16 year old girl and i went through the same thing..all i did was be honest with her i asked her to be honest with me so i could protect her the best way ..i was honest about STD's as well as becoming a parent early and asking her if she is ready for such a thing..he will respect you more and know he will be able to go to you ..don't lecture him just talk!! i hope it helps..it did with my daughter...

Have his Dad talk to him. It should not have to be about specifics--just general information, health issues, safety and being a good "guy".

Sadly, parenting is such a vicious cycle, don't you think? We thought we knew everything at that age and now that we are older, we realize we didn't. Of course, here we are in our parents' shoes talking to deaf ears like they once did to us. When they get our age, they will be thinking like we do now.

I would try to open the lines by telling him that you hope he knows he can talk to you about anything. I wouldn't tell him how you know because then he will find other ways to carry on his discussions or whatever the case may be. I say keep your methods quiet.

I would also do something along the lines of possibly taking him to a Planned Parenthood type of "class" where he can learn about STDs, see pictures of what they can cause, visit a hospital where he can see newborns born to teen parents. Sadly we all think things aren't going to happen to us. I had a friend who got pregnant her first time which was while she had her period. Two myths debunked at once. She was only 15.

I really think letting him see and talk to regular teens who have had their lives altered by having sex at a young age may be the best way to go. There are other ways to explore his sexuality too without "going all the way".

I wish you the best. I have three boys and I am not looking forward to when they are teens. They grow up so fast and sometimes you wish you could just hold them small for a while longer.

PS Not to scare anyone but as I said, I have three boys and this scared me of course. There was a story in the news not long ago about a girl's father who attacked her boyfriend when he caught them in her room having sex. Our children need to be aware that so many things can happen. It isn't just about having fun or feeling good. There are dangers whether it be STD's, teen pregnancy, or dangerous parents.

talk to him about the consequences of teenage pregnancies. also if you have his father in his life its time for him to speak to your son about sexual activity. my son is now 18 and yes it starts around the age that your son is and sometimes earlier. i've told my son you play you might pay. just sit and talk to your son about everything including STD's and diseases better to be open then not talk at all. he'll be embarrassed and so will you but at least your the parent that is concerned not like some parents out there. i've been very open with all my kids about sex and the consequences. good luck

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