Allowing Time with Daddy

Hi E..

I understand your feelings. We try to often tell ourselves that other's opinion's don't matter much to us. The truth is, in fact that they do and they influence us a lot.

The only thing that matters even if he was not a great provider is that he is good to his daughter. It is important she has a relationship with him and will remember that he is good to her incase she may overhear what others say.

I myself am married to a husband that is not necessarily a non-believer, he just does not go to Church and things like I do. It is kinda frustrating, believe me.

You are going, so that is awesome! You reflect a Christian attitude and when your daughter's Father sees that, it is a great thing! Not to mention, great for your daughter!

If he is not giving a reason to make you question thier time togethor, then let them have the time.

You are not shoving her off, instead you are doing what is right and letting her have a relationship with both parents.

You are doing a great job, so give yourself a pat on the back.

:)

E.,

I believe that it is very important for a little girl (or boy) to have a positive relationship with their father, whether he's a Christian or not. In today's society, one of the lies we're told is that daddies are not important. It is just that--a lie from Satan. God meant for children to grow up in two-parent homes. If that is not possible, I believe the next best thing is for the kids to be able to have a close relationship with both parents, Christian or not. God blessed this father with your daughter just as surely as He blessed you. Her father has a RIGHT to see her, and it sounds like he wants to take the responsibility to build a relationship with her. You would be robbing both of them if you didn't let her spend as much time with him as you are able. I hope this doesn't sound harsh. I just hate what our culture has done to fathers.

God bless you and have a great day!

K.

You have to do what's best for your daughter and understand that she loved her daddy and doesn't see him the way you or anyone else does. He is the only daddy she has and needs to have a relationship with him. My son's father never wanted to be around, so just be glad (for your daughter)that he is around.

E., as a single mom that has no relationship with my daughters father, I understand your situation. My daughter has never had a relationship with her father, and that is my fault. He is not a horrible man, just irresposible. So over the years I have tried to allow them to talk, and make arrangements but in the long run because of me not allowing him to know her when she was younger, he is afraid and resentful towards me. For that reason, he knows he won't be able to say good things about me, and doesn't want her to see how mad he is. Well it will be his fault when she is grown and can make her own decisions, and she doesn't want to see him.
so what I am trying to say is this, don't judge your ex, just because he does not go to church, doesn't mean he doesn't believe, just because he does not work, does not mean he is useless, let him know his daughter, maybe this will make him understand that he needs to be a man and take care of her financially, live your life in a positive way and maybe he will see that as a reason why he needs to do things better. There are so many who claim to be christian but want to judge others for not being christians. Well if you are a strong christian woman, then raise your daughter in your beliefs, and show her that you are a great mom by allowing her to build her own relationship with her father, and STOP letting other people who don't like your ex, influence how you feel. Who cares what they think, they don't have a daughter with him and they don't have to deal with him, only you do, only your opinion counts when it comes to him. Go and make yourself a better person by finishing school, make sure you don't have to depend on him or any man for financial reasons, but do not allow other people to control your life, or your daughters, let her know her dad, if he screws up then go from there, but if he loves her and wants to care for her, then shame on you for not allowing it to happen, especially if he is able to care for her while you are in school. And maybe you could ask him if he could watch her at your home if you don't want her to go to his.
Goodluck E., and remember it isn't about you anymore, it is about your daughter, when you show her that is is okay and safe to be with her dad, she will be safe and happy. Make yourself happy, and she will follow your lead.

I could have written that letter EXACTLY. It would make my life so much easier in some ways to ask him to watch her-but in very important ways (my child picking up nasty traits, coming home repeating things like daddy said "screw my mommy", the non-christian aspect...) I feel like I would be a bad parent to let her spend the extra time with him. It's such a strain doing this by myself but would it be easier or create more problems?

i have never been through this situation but i will tell you my Christian point of view. i was a Christian but my husband wasnt and i thought that was going to make it difficult for my kids to lead good Christian lives when they were older. i prayed for him all the time and my children did too and he eventually became a Christian himself. im sure you know one of the things of being Christian is forgiveness. just forgive everything he has done to you and doesnt do for you and your daughter and just let it go. it doesnt mean you have to like it. i think its great that he is a good daddy and she loves spending time with him. i totally think you should go for it and let her spend as much time with him as she can/wants to. you never know....she may plant that seed in him and he may turn his life around. its also sad that your friends "hate" him cause that is such a strong word to use. you should definatley not let them influence your decision but lean on God and ask him the right thing to do. IN ALL THY WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM AND HE SHALL DIRECT THY PATHS. PROVERBS 3:6 im sure you will have a strong support group in whatever decision you make. sorry this was so long!

I would give it a chance...maybe a week or two trial run to see how it works out. You say that you are not worried about how he will treat her, he's a good dad and she loves him too. I wouldn't let other people's opinions get in the way of you continuing your education, which is very important to your child as much as it is to you. Your daughter will look back on the time spent with her dad and think only good thought about how "mommy & daddy" can get along for my sake and that is very important.

I would allow your ex to keep your daughter, if he is willing to do so. As long as you stay in touch, and if she is happy to be with him. He may change for the better. If it doesn't work out in a couple of weeks, then make other arrangments. Is there a court order in place? If so you may want to seek legal advise first. Good luck.

Unfortunately, we cannot go back and change the father of our children because we didn't learn of their negative behaviors until after the fact. I spent a few years in constant agony trying to figure out how to protect my children from all their father's negative ways (liar, cheater, partier, to name a few). What it ended up boiling down to is this: It's too late to unchoose him. So, I have to educate my children to the best of my ability and pray that they chose the right paths as they grow older. Whenever they come home with some nonsense they picked up from his house, I have to explain to them what the deal is and why that behavior isn't appropriate. They'll see all there is to see in due time and me protecting them from him will only prolong the inevitable. I thinks it's best to deal with it now. And don't feel like you're throwing your child away--if furthering your education is what's best for you, then it's what's best for your child. You'll be showing her so many more positive things by pursuing your dreams than you would if you didn't. Stay strong; it sounds like you're doing good!

Your daughter needs her mother. I am a full time student, and full time mother, and yes, I sacrifice, but I wouldn't have it any other way. These are years that you will never get back. I wouldn't do it, but that it just my opinion, seeing him is one thing, but living with him, I don't know.

E.-
If Daddy is good to her and you know this in your heart, SHE needs time with him, she will realize the difference between the good and bad on her own. It does take a while so don't be discouraged. My two children both figured out that their father was not good news on their own. They even asked my why I did not inform them of this, I told them that I would get more respect from them if I did not bad mouth him. Just make sure you remind her that the way things are at Daddy's house are not the same as Mommy's house. Who knows with enough prayer maybe this will give Daddy some strength he needs to get working and help support her. She is your life not all the friends. (Although I know friends help). God Bless & good luck, keep up that schooling.

Dear E.,

I can imagine the sitation you are in is very difficult. My opinion would be to definately allow your daughter to be with her daddy, but maybe on a limited basis. Maybe you could start out with 1 or 2 days a week, if he is willing to watch her and see what happens. I know it's very hard to let go, but he may do just fine with her, that is if you think you can trust him. I always say go with your "gut" instinct because no one knows him but you. I think it would be wonderful for your daughter to get to know him better and it may benefit both of you. I hope it works out and good luck!

I would let them be together! He is a good daddy and that is all that matters! It is nobody's business if she is with her dad. Don't deprive that little girl her relationship with dad. It might come back to hurt your relationship with her later in life. Just give it a try. You are only doing what is best for her and your future.

E.,

As long as your daughter is in "good hands" with her father, than yes, she should be with him. If he is not emotionally, physically, or mentally abusing her then she should be able to be with her father. Make sure your reluctance is in the right place. Make sure there is a problem there and it isn't just resentment or any other feelings you have for him. I was a single parent from the time my daughter was born until she was 10. It took me a while to seperate my feelings for her father and what was best for my child. Give this some real thought, you will figure out what is best for her.

As far as feeling guilty about what you are doing, that is so normal. But, you have to remember, what you are doing is going to benefit you and your daughter in the long run. Make sure you spend as much time as you can with her and if at all possible, let her father watch her.

if it isnt pawning her off when you leave your daughter with a friend while you go to school then it isnt pawning her off when you leave her with her father for a little bit. stop worrying what everyone else thinks. no body has to live your life but you. you sound like a terrific mother who is trying hard to make a decent future for your daughter so trust yourself. good luck with everything.

I am a single mom of 2 boys, I recently split up with the father of my kids. My advice would be you need to have your daughters best interests in mind. You can't do things because that's what makes your friends and family happy. If he is a good dad and he doesn't put her in harms way you should let him take her during the time you work. Not only will it cut down on babysitting cost if you pay a babysitter but you know she will be okay while she's there. My boys go to there dads during the day while I work and they love the time they get with him. You can't feel bad and you shouldn't every feel like your pushing her off because everything you are doing as far as working and going to school will establish you and your daughters future. You are only one person and you need time for yourself every once in awhile. Good Luck

I am a step mom to three of the greatest kids, I meet my husband when my stepkids were 9, 4 and 2. He was the reason his marriage to his first wife ended he was not a good husband, I found a little of this out after we got married, but he has always been a GREAT dad he worked nights at the time when they were smaller and so when his ex-wife decided to go back to school he would have them sometimes during the day. What ever they say about him as a husband or man doesnt change what kind of a dad he is. He loves his kids and it was good for them to see that he wanted to see them as much as they wanted him.
I would say that as long as you feel like he is going to be good to your daughter and its a good enviroment for her then go for it. Dont feel like you are throwing her away! You are working to make life better for you and HER, she will not get that right now but she will understand when she is older. Right now all she will see is that she gets to have her mommy and daddy and really that is all she cares about at 3.
As far as your beliefs go let him know, lay it down that you are giving him extra time and he should cherish that as a gift you dont have to but you realize that his relationship with his daughter is important to him as well as her.

E.,
I was a single mom from the time my girl was 12mos to 5years.
I have a few questions for you. Do you trust him with the safety of your daughter? Does he use his common sense? Does he build her up or tear her down? (with his comments)
DOES HE LOVE HER? Let me clarify too, you would take her to him daily in place of childcare? or to live with him monday-thursday?

I have to say that I know how you feel, looking to see what others think around the topics youre not quite sure of yet...but GO WITH YOUR MATERNAL INSTINCT! GOD gave us the instinct to use. I also know that the relationship between a daddy and daughter is one of the most important ones she'll ever have. He will teach her how she should be treated by men. How to be loved and her self esteem and confidence is heavily influenced by her relationship with him. Its not about us, its about our daughters. I think you're smart to see you have your own judgements that you dont want her to feel towards him. I would say, check your instinct, watch them together, pray for their relationship to be infused with God .(you never know, he could become a believer through her!)
I am a strong Christian too. I hope something in this might help you. I feel your struggle. Just let go and let God guide you in your decision.

P.

It wouldn't be fair to your daughter to not let her spend time with her daddy, no matter what you think or everyone else thinks of him. It's what she thinks of him that only matters. As a christian woman you know that God gives us all as many chances as it takes to get it right, maybe spending time with his precious little girl will be his redeeming quality. You said that he was a good daddy, let him prove it by taking care of his girl. You could let him know that you are going to give it a trial period for a month and if it's not working after a month you could find some other care for her while you are gone and then have supervised visits with him and her. However, you should give him a chance and not deny time between the two of them. Keeping up strong communication between you and him also is good because then he will know what you expect in the care of your daughter and you know what is going on during the time with him and her while you are away. I hope things work out and you all will be in my prayers.

I personally think you are doing the right thing to let them spend time together. Like you said he is really good to her and takes care of her. It shouldn't matter of his beliefs. She will turn out great(your daughter). I think her seeing him while you are at school it really good. You can't look at it as pawning her off cause you need to take care of you. Look at it as making a better future for you and your daughter.

E. - You should feel proud that you're pursuing your degree as a single mom. You're doing what's best for you AND setting a good example for your daughter. Congratulations!

At the end of the day, only you know if spending time w/ her father is right for your daughter at this point in time. You're the mom, you know your daughter best & you know her father. Trust your instincts, and be flexible enough to change if you see the situation is different than you thought.

Good luck! -di

i to have a son through previous marriage and he's that great of a man either but i let me son see him anyways just for the fact that when he gets older he won't say mom you never let me see my dad and i hate you for it.i pretty much let him decide when he wants to see his daddy. cause his daddy won't even try. but if he is wanting to see her and spend more time with her more power to you cause some dads don't even do that trust me i know. but my husband know has my son since he 1 month old and he belives that he has 2 daddys. to me i think is good.but i would ask her if she wants to go to daddy's while you work and go to school.let it be up to her.