Mom Won't Let Daughter Play with Mine Because of Religious Beliefs.

Your daughter couldn't have just sat there with her hands folded while the others prayed? Sorry, I don't think it was good manners to decline and make a big deal about "her" faith-which is lack of faith. And I can see her point about not letting them play. As difficult as this may be for YOU to understand, Faith is the center of many people's lives. As Christians we are asked to love God above all else. And it should affect the way we live our whole loves. And NOT beliveing in God is the polar opposite of this. I think I would also be afraid that an atheist friend of my child's would talk about there not being a God and such. Yeah-I would-sorry. And because my child is still young and learning I just would not need that contradictory thought drummed into my child's head.

And people-it is not UN-Christian to do this. If the mother was telling her daughter to completely shun and be mean to the little girl, then yeah, that would be un-christian. But not allowing her daughter to play with her is NOT. This mother has a legitimate concern and should be resepcted for it.

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Hey P.,

You might remind the "Christian" Mom, that her daughter has the equal ability to put "ideas" into your daughters head. True Christians are suppose to spread the word of God to all. Those who choose to listen do and those who choose not to, don't, we call this free will. Since the girls get along and care for each other, the Christian mother should not be afriad to let them play together. We are also taught to fear nothing and pray about everything.

If you opt to speak with her again, feel free to let her see this message so she will be reminded what true Christians are about.

I hope the girls will be able to continue their friendship.

Blessings.....

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This is an unfortunate life lesson. To stand solid in ones beliefs one must be willing to accept potential rejection from others who do not hold similar beliefs.

If you have email contact with the other child's mother, perhaps shoot her a quick simple email asking if there is truly any harm in teaching a child tolerance, acceptance and respect for disimilar beliefs. Point out the children value one anothers' company despite differences in world view, and ask "as one adult to another" if the girls can continue to enjoy each other's company. In a world full of disharmony over a lack of homogenity one would hope that people could teach their young to 'love thy neighbor' instead of creating inexplicable hostility.

Afterall, when you boil it down to its to tiniest form- it's all an argument of semantics.

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So, I read from your post that the mother asked your daughter to say the blessing? If so, then she was completely out of line. It sounds like your daughter would have quietly respected their custom if they prayed before the meal.

I am a Christian and believe that the other mother's behavior is appalling. Unfortunately, ignorance breeds fear and this mother seems to have an abundance of both.
It's amazing how ignorant people are! There was a family from our town who thought my family was a "bad influence" because my family was vegetarian! My dad still jokes about that one. Sometimes you have to laugh and feel pity for people who don't have any common sense.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had some advice as to how to proceed. If it were me, I would call her up and tell her that she is living a double standard by expecting your daughter to be tolerant of HER faith, while she (the mom) is being intolerant to your beliefs.

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That's odd...I am a christian and I would never do that to my child. I would see it as an opportunity to teach. I'm sorry ...it's the kids here who will suffer. Good luck!

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P., I'm so sorry. I haven't encountered this before, but I'm sure it's really hard for you. I don't know what to tell you, except that some religious people can be very offended by someone saying they are atheists. It's like they take it personally or feel like you're slapping their Christ in the face.

I'm a Christian, but you aren't slapping MY Christ in the face. And in my point of view, Christ wouldn't want us to do that. What better way to witness to non-believers what Christ means to us than to live the way Christ taught us to live? Oh well.

I don't think there is anything you can do here. I do think you need to be honest with your daughter about the problems that can accompany being an atheist in a country that considers religion to be so important. As she grows up, she will be better able to understand that "freedom of religion" should actually include the freedom to NOT believe in religion, but our country can be very hypocritical.

I'm sorry about this. You will probably find that this will not be the first time you encounter this.

D.

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I feel sad for the kids. I do totally understand and see where the mother is coming from.

She has a right to raise her child with the beliefs she wants. It is known that eventually peers influence a child more than family so it makes sense to me.

It is about her wanting her child to have a solid foundation in the values they believe in. It is not "against" your daughter and I would not focus on how she is being done wrong, making her feel like a victim.

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Some parents choose to have their children only become good friends with others of the same beliefs. I can really understand that. The Bible says not to be unequally yolked (and a close friendship can be a "Yolking" of sorts) and to be a consecrated, "set apart" people. That doesn't mean a Christian doesn't associate with non-Christians for ministry, it means you don't develop close relationships with non believers.
Now, not every Christian interprets it that way. I'm just saying that is obviously the way that particular Christian family believes and that's okay. There is nothing wrong with that at all.
I understand you want your daughter to be able to have a close friendship with this girl, but the family's beliefs are more important (as I'm sure you agree). So tell your daughter she can play with her at school, but that's it. You must respect their beliefs as you expect yours to be respected. This is a good learning opportunity for your daughter.

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When people encounter the unknown they tend to be afraid, worried, judgemental, hasty, etc.
Maybe this mom has never had a lot of experience with religious beliefs that differ from hers?
Maybe she's afraid of her own child asking yours questions about atheism?
Also, a refusal of prayer can be offensive for some (not me personally, but I have known people who have been offended when some refuse to pray, like at meal time, holidays, death beds, etc).
I would maybe compose an email explaining your child will not discuss any religous beliefs at all and that she is deeply hurt, and so are you, that the friendship needs to end.
I've known people of all walks of life, but occassionally you encounter those that do not approve of beliefs other then their own. They make it hard when you are very accpeting of others and don't understand how someone so easily can judge, but it's part of life. I am sorry for your child's and for your upset. Hopefully all of her other friends parents are more understanding of differences between people.
Give her a huge hug.
Good Luck.

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It is sad that as a Christian, she is not being very welcoming and tolerant of other people's beliefs.....wow. I doubt that she will change her mind but maybe you guys need to have a sit down and chat for a while.

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You are dealing with an ignorant mother that probably belongs to some sort of religious cult or has a very warped thought process about religion. If you can get the nerve to muster a visit and speak with her face to face and make a good, nice , argument for all the reasons why the girls should be allowed to play together, go for it.

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I'm so sorry for what you are going through but I,myself after reading that you were an atheist was taken aback.. I'm sorry. It really is not a judgement but feels more like a reaction. It is so incredibly kind of you to realize that others love their faith as much as they love the dynamics of family and marriage. These are held at a high regard with faith loving families. I can only imagine that with your open belief of other possibilities that you have developed a more considerate level of understanding than maybe she can understand. You also seem to have been introduced or have been around Christian based home life. You have the benefit that this mother does not. She does not understand your belief and is frightened of it. It is a concept that she can not even comprehend and therefore is pushing away. She may be able to work through it herself one day but for now this is not a choice to her it is most likely a feeling and fear.

Find it in you heart to continue your considerate nature just in a different way. She may or may not come around but until then continue to work on you family and this might just be a big learning experience. Sad but sometimes kids are thrown into adult worlds like this.

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Aw feeling sorry for your daughter. :-( That sucks!! It sounds like your dd is really respectful of others and that mother would have had something to complain about if your daughter had been rude about it. I would write a note explaining how your daughter is upset to lose her friend and include what you have said above then at the end say that her dd will always be welcome in your home and you will not stop your dd from speaking to her friend when they are out playing in the neighbourhood. You will be the bigger person in this situation.:-)

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I am seriously offended by this woman....and I don't even know her...grrr...and I'm a Christian, Irish/Italian Catholic at that ;D My daughter attends a Catholic school. Our school's policy is that ANY child can attend whether they are Catholic, Methodist, Jewish, Muslim....doesn't matter one bit. I have no problem with my child playing with a child of a different faith, in fact I'd encourage it. My job as a parent is to teach my child my faith as well as exposing her to all faith's so that she is well informed to make her own decision regarding HER faith. (With the exception of a satanic cult...because that really creeps me out...lol). I don't have to agree with your religious or political beliefs, but I respect them and your right to choose your own beliefs. What a wonderful "Christian" message she is teaching her child....If a person doesn't believe as we do then they are not worthy of our friendship. I not only feel sorry for your daughter's broken heart, but I feel such sorrow for that little girl. How will she ever learn to navigate life being raised with such a prejudice Mother :(

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I am interested in your post but not sure how you know the girls can't play together. Did the mother talk to you? Did the friend tell your daughter that she can't play because of the praying incident?

You sound very kind when it comes to respecting the religious beliefs of others and it appears it has rubbed off on your daughter...kudos Mom!!

In our home we pray often, whether friends are here or not. We do not make them fold arms and most definitely would not make them offer the prayer. I think that the friends mother was way off to do that to your daughter. There have been times our own children will say "let so and so say the prayer cuz they are the guest". But we steer away from that because we don't want the friend uncomfortable or embarrassed.

I am surprised a mom would call it quits on a relationship simply for not saying a prayer. I would most definitely talk to the Mom about this. Find a time when you feel very composed and you have gone through the scenario a hundred times in your mind. Come from a point of view of trying to understand where she is coming from....not accusatory.(Because to me, this just sounds rediculous too call off a friendship.) Ask her how it all went down and if she is really calling the friendship quits over not saying a prayer. Ask her about her feelings toward you being atheist and how she thinks that would influence her own daughter. C'mon...they are little girls that just want to have fun together. How about playdates that do not carry over into meal times.

Good luck with it. Please repost how things went.

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This is pretty sad. I mean, it's a shame little kids can't play over something as complex as religion.
Maybe this mom is afraid your daughter will tell hers there is no such thing as God or something.
There are two things I don't discuss with anyone I truly love. Religion and politics.
Give this a little time to calm down and perhaps talk to the mom some more about it.
If the kids can't play anymore, they can't. I hope maybe you and the mom can work things out so there can be a happy middle somewhere for the girls.

Best wishes.

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well that's very "christian" of her..i would let it go..you're probably dodging a bullet..i had a friend whose mom was over the top religious and always filling my head w/ kooky talk..perhaps your daughter would have her head filled w/ "ideas" and this is "divine intervention"...its bothering you now...but you'll forget about it..i'm sure the mom will get over it..so just lay low..let the girls play at school..maybe someday she'll find it in her heart to open up to your child.

D.

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If the issue is going to be pushed on her and she is not going to be respected, then maybe it is best they don't hang out together, until they are old enough to make decisions on their own.

I am Christian, however respect others for their right to believe in what they want, provided they don't corner me with their beliefs.

Perhaps this parent should hold an interview before they grant their child righths to friendship.

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It's a lesson that you can teach your daughter, something this mother obviously does not want to teach her own: There are a lot of people in this world that have beliefs and values that are different from our own. It doesn't make them less "good", it simply means that not everyone is like us. Appreciate and even learn from differences instead of creating an atmosphere of intolerance.

Sadly, I know plenty of 'religious' folks that I do not want my children around, not for their beliefs, but because of their bigotry and contempt for those that don't think like them. Isn't that the equivalent of spreading "hate"?

I know Atheist folks that are good in every regard: Tolerant, honest, hard-working, good values and good morals.

We can't control other people and sometimes it ends up hurting our feelings. But the bottom line is that your daughter will meet a new friend. This much I know. :-)

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I suspect the issue for the other mom is not so much that your daughter has different beliefs, but rather that she declined saying the prayer. What a mature thing to do! But no matter how gracious your daughter was, the other mom might be afraid that if her daughter sees that example from someone she likes, she might follow suit someday.

Sadly, some people's experience with faith doesn't allow room for even asking questions – I was raised in a church like that, and questions, even from a child, seemed to be pretty threatening. I'm not sure there's much you can do about it, other than explain to your daughter that some people are just afraid.

So sad.

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wow that is insane. i would never tell my child that they couldnt play with another child because of their beliefs. i want my daughter to accept all walks of life. not everyone is going to believe what she does and not everyone is going to have the same skin color or intrest. i think this mom refuses to look at the whole picture and how this will make her daughter closed minded and unaccepting.

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Why did they assume your child was CHristian? By asking her to say grace they were being awfully presumptuous. And yet they are worried about what your daughter will say to their child? They made the first move by asking your daughter to play Christian at the dinner table. Maybe they ask all their daughter's new friends to say grace, as a way of weeding out the un-faithful. I remember once being asked to say grace at a friend's house and I actually had no frickin idea what to say... we just didn't do that in my family, so HOW WOULD I KNOW? I was left feeling embarassed and totally put on the spot.
The poor kids did nothing wrong yet they can no longer see each other. How unfortunate! Perhaps if you write down what you want to say to the other mom, and get yourself nice and calm you can give her call and try to work it out for the sake of the kids. I think it's worth trying.

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I'm not sure I have any good ideas, but wanted to say I'm so sorry that mother reacted in the way she did. Now is the time for you to explain the role fear plays peoples decision making.

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how old are they? I wouldn't want my kid to be forced to do some non-Christian thing so if that's the other moms "beef" then she is wrong...God made YOU the stuard of your children not her and it's one thing for her to ask but if your DD say no or doesn't want to she should be okay w/that and respect that, and SHE shouldn't take offence...
BUT if it's because she is having problems keeping her DD in line because of your DD (ie. "so-and-so doesn't pray" or "so-and-so doesn't have to go to church" ect.) the YOU should not take offence...because God gave HER stuard over her DD and she is only doing what she feels (at that point) she has to to get her DD back on track with Christianity...
IF, however, they are 14ish and up then she should be letting her DD choose her friends ect...but she can still say if her DD goes to your house or if your DD goes to her house ect...because by that age they are ""adults.""

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IT's not about prayer. It's about belief and challenges to belief. It speaks volumes that the woman doesn't have enough "faith" in her own faith to trust herself to answer her daughter's questions and to help her daughter grow in her own faith. Of course, as Marie M. said, there could be other reasons besides religious (or non-) ideas, but that's the way it is. Just keep teaching your daughter to be a respectful person. It's a teaching moment, I guess.

You may be able to ask the mom exactly what she's worried about. Perhaps have some tea together and chat - get to know each other. She may not really understand where you stand and what your attitudes are. Some Christian faiths have a perceptions that athiests want to FORCE people not to practice their religions, cause of the vocal minority of "freedom from" type of athiest. Maybe you can put her fears to rest and learn from each other?

Good luck! Best to you.

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I wouldn't say anything to the mother b/c it could affect your daughter's freindship with this girl. I do agree that it was very wrong of this mother to "force" your daughter to pray! I think the solution is not to have your daughter eat anymore meals at their house. They don't pray before a snack, do they?

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Oh my goodness...I am so sorry that this happened...and it is really sad that your daughter was put in this position at all.
I can remember as a child, one of my friends was a Catholic ( I am Southern Baptist) and they had a special prayer that they repeated before each meal , I would simply bow my head, close my eyes but not repeat the prayer aloud like the rest of them were doing. I cannot remember that they ever told me that I needed to be repeating the prayer along with them...it was never an issue. I cannot imagine WHY this woman thought it was necessary to try and force the issue with your daughter. It isn't like there is some "Magic formula" to a prayer that is going to save your daughter!!!
As a matter of fact...she is really going AGAINST the things that we are taught in the Bible...in MY Bible I am told to "go ye therefore and be witnesses"....and to be "IN the world but not OF the world".
My guess is that you are not going to have much luck talking to this Mom...she has made up her mind...and you would simply be subjecting your daughter to more awkward situations. As a Christian I want to apologize to you for the way this was handled by this woman...and I am so sorry that your daughter(and HER daughter!!!) have been hurt !!!

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As a Christian Mother, I can't say that I wouldn't initially have the same reaction. But, it would be out of ignorance! I have never known anyone who is an Atheist, therefore I don't know anything about Atheism.

I would try to sit down and talk with Mother. If she is not receptive, I would let it go. This would be a wonderful teaching moment for your daughter about prejudice. She will likely experience things like this throughout her life.

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Good grief. I am so sorry this happened.. Just reassure your daughter that this reaction from the mom is very unusual. I am like you, I am more agnostic, but I have so many friends that are totally devoted to their religions and their beliefs, but are very accepting of us.

The mom is going to have issues, because she will not always know if people her daughter is friends with are religious. I cannot imagine what "ideas" she thinks your daughter might give her daughter..

I wonder if speaking with the mom would help. I would think having a conversation between the 4 of you may be more appropriate. The mom needs to explain to all of you what her fears are..

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I have encountered this attitude before. It's usually among fundamentalist type Christians. What I was told (in my experience with it) was that my friend had never had a friendship with someone who wasn't saved and it made her sad to care about me but realize I was going to Hell.

As a spectator of the ultra-Christians in the South, I find that the attitude places a lot of emphasis on controlling what children are exposed to... It really emphasizes the idea 'ignorance is bliss' towards anything deemed to be problematic.

As sad as it is, I would try to limit the girls exposure to each other. Because this is only the first instance of your daughter's feelings being ignored and hurt. You won't be successful at approaching the parents to change their views. Her friend will sadly be told messages to explain why they can't play together. In turn, these ideas will be said to your daughter by the other little girl. Such as, she's a bad person, god doesn't love her, she and her family are doomed, etc; and then there is being left out of her friend's birthday parties, etc. The mom is small minded. Better to keep their interaction minimal and protect your daughter from ugly comments. The heartache just is not worth it.

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At 8/9 they are old enough to learn, understand & begin to question their own belief systems at the same time they learn to respect peoples differences. If it became an issue where the mother feels your daughter is putting ideas in her head, then you cant do much about it. This doesnt just go for religion/non-faith, this can go for so many things. It is sad and I am sure your daughter feels isolated. Wish I had more to offer.

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There isn't a whole lot that you can do. You can call her back and say exactly what you are saying to us. Say that you have taught your daughter to respect other people's religion. Tell her that it is unfair to BOTH girls that she is sheltering her daughter because of religion, when I'm sure that there is 50 different ones on your street. She is going to get exposed at school, tv, and other friends. That is the only thing you can do is tell her how unfair this is to the girls.

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One thing I have learned - people who are THAT firm in their religious beliefs are not going to change their opinions regarding the importance of religion, no matter what you say to her. It is very, very sad to me. They seem to forget that religion is supposed to teach them to love and accept everyone, not to exclude others based upon their beliefs (or lack thereof). I honestly doubt that anything you say to her will change her mind.

It is things like this that make me an atheist too. I just can't believe that God is real when there are so many people who use God as a reason to mistreat others.

I don't mean to offend anyone who posted below. Everyone HERE was very respectful with their replies and DO emphasize the acceptance that religion is supposed to be about. It is people like the friend in the original post that I am talking about.

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you will get that alot. ex a religion sometimes wont let their kids play with b religion and they all go to church. it is great she has been exposed to the diffrent religions and they all have diffrent beliefs. now in my opinion if your daughter is being raised in an atheiest house (no offense meant by this) I wouild want your daughter over more to expose her if she chooses. I wouldnt force prayer but you do have to respect our choice of prayer but I would never force it on your daughter. but I would never deny our kids to play together. I would never ask anyone in my house to pray. it is my house that is my job I am the influence not the kids. I am the leader and you cant expect kids to be a leader when they are just learning.

now as for what to tell the mom I would say god never rejects a sinner or you would be rejected. all people are sinners. the bible also says love thy neighbor. and do unto others as you would have them do unto you. she is only making your daughter go your way by having on her rose colored glasses. she should be trying to win people to christ and not saying I reject you cause your not perfect. after all perfect love will cast out all fears. that is also from the bible. if her daughters faith is strong enough your kid isnt going to lead her astray. if she is doubting her daughters faith she is not doing her job right. her daughters faith should be strong enough to not be impacted by what your daughter thinks or other religions that dont agree with each other.

Why don't you tell the mother that you will (or have) talked to your daughter about respecting other peoples beliefs, and that is not a discussion she should have with people that are of different mind sets (meaning religious). Then talk to your daughter about that. I would think religious issues do not come up much with kids. Also, when talking to the mom, remind her that there will be lots of kids from families with all different kinds of beliefs ( I am Jewish (not major religious but more traditional) and my husband is an atheist (from a Muslim background), When the kids talk about god, I tell them that some people don't believe in god, and daddy doesn't. They are 6 and 8 and even with me saying that, and personally never talking about a belief in god, still I do not know where I stand, they on their own still believe (and maybe because other children have talked about it). Basically tell the mom that you have told your daughter not to share or try to convince others of your families beliefs and she will respect theirs. I think that is the most you can do (but remind her that it will be hard to block her daughter from others at school that have similar beliefs. I think Asians (if not Christine) are buddhist and do not believe in a god, so they are all around and she should take this opportunity to teach her daughter about other people's beliefs, and how she disagrees with thim.
Sorry for the rambling. Good luck

Of course in the USA you can belief what you like, but what is
the harm in saying a few prayers? If you are sure no one hears
them so be it. A lot of words are said that no one worries about.
A simple grace before meals shows respect
for the situation.;
Even true believers have doubts.......
A simple "Thank God for the food" is sweet. Or:
Are you trying to convert others to your ideas? Why?

Updated

Please read:
How to Be a Perfect Stranger
Edited by Arthur J. Magida
Jewish Lights Publisher
Woodstock Vermont
get it from Amiizon or your local library and
share it with your child's friend's mother after you read it.

Hi P., I see you got tons of responses so I'll try to keep it brief, but I just wanted to give you another possible perspective. Our family is Catholic and we're very tollerant of our various friends who are Jewish, Muslim, Protestant/Christian and Atheists. In our experience though, it was a couple of our Atheist friends who continually ridiculed and criticized our faith. Additionally they did it in front of both their kids and ours. Stuff like, "There is no way I am letting our kids go to a church with those wacked out preachers" or "Uggh religious people are so disturbing" "I am not going to have my kids deal with God, yuck!" At any rate it was really disheartning since we'd never commented on their lack of any faith. To each his own right? Well I have to tell you that I too didn't really feel like having our kids play together much after that. Because the kids would say it too. "why do you believe in God" "My Mom says there's no God and that's just stupid" I'm pretty sure you're not like that and your daughter didn't say anything to that effect, but maybe this mother is fearful that it might happen and she doesn't want to have someone else's kids influencing hers in that way. Sort of like when you don't want your kids playing with kids who are disrespectful or have a behavioral set you don't want your kids to emulate. I would just gently like to suggest that it may not be so much that she's being intollerant, it may be that she just has strong convictions.

Your right that it's probably not about the prayer.....maybe the mother just feels uncomfortable with your family in general? Is it possible your daughter is influencing hers in other ways? I'm not saying that's the case but just want to point out that you are not watching over them constantly when they play, so you never know. My son has a ton of friends at school, but I don't let him hang out with all of them outside of school. I feel like it's ok for me to help make those decisions now while he's still young. When he gets older, he will have control over which friends he spends his extra time with, but for now I am going to guide him towards the friends that I can see he is comfortable with, and that allow him to be himself. Maybe your daughter is just not that friend for her right now.

Your daughter sounds very mature and sweet. I'm sure she has other friends that she could hang out with. Maybe just arrange for her to spend her extra time with some of those friends so she does not get hung up over this. Try not to make it into a big deal. I know it is a big deal for you and you are offended but try to downplay it around her....otherwise she may sense that and then there will be lots of drama at school. Just because she won'tbe hanging out with this child AFTER school, does not mean she can't hang out with AT school. They can still be great friends.
*After reading all of the responses of how the other mom is such a horrible Christian, I just wanted add...... I don't think the mom is saying "our kids can't be friends anymore" nor is she being prejudice. She is just being a mother, doing what she feels is best for her child. Just because she is a Christian, does not mean that she automatically has to embrace all other "veiws"- especially one that goes against everything that she is trying to teach her child. Christianity does not mean complacency.

My best friend's husband came out last year and told everyone he had doubts for a very long time and just decided it was enough. He is atheist also. I have no problem with the kids playing together at his house and being exposed to that. It is for them to make up their own mind, the teaching we do in the home is more of an influence than anything he may say or do at his house.

However, his son refuses to be reverent during prayer. We go to a local friendship feast occasionally for a free meal and they do pray and have lessons, the son is 10 and when someone is praying at meal time or giving a spiritual lesson he will just keep talking and get mad if I ask him to sit silently for the few moments. He just gets more obnoxious. I know if I told his dad he would get into trouble so I appreciate that your daughter is at the very least respectful.

To be honest in this case I would let my child play outside with everyone and tell her she has the right to play with everyone outside and if the little girl comes out to be nice but not back down. The mom has taken a stand and is going to have to deal with the backlash, which may include having to keep her child inside so she isn't exposed to any other cultures, especially ones who have different beliefs.

It is fear based.....

Very sad.
For people of faith or not.

Your Daughter, sounds very mature for her age.. and respectful of people for their faith and culture. Which are 2 different things.

Your daughter, was not critiquing nor judging anyone.
And you/your family do not seem the type that is that way either.
And you do allow your child to be exposed to many variations of faith and life and cultures.

People of all faiths or not... go to war and defend our Nation.