Rasing Two Well Rounded Children

T.:
If you have a married girlfriend with children who are similar ages as yours, (and you like the way the dad is with his own kids) you might consider asking your friend if every once in a while the three of you might plan a fun outing with the kids - one where your children could see how their friends dad interacts with them and in a setting where he could also do things with them, as well. You might also bring up this issue with the elders at your church to try to enlist available men to become Sunday school teachers or to form an "Uncles" group who are available to do fun things with the kids w/o dads. But most importantly, I think you need to keep believing in yourself - a father figure is important, for sure, but a mom who is "present" in her children's lives will give them every bit of the right stuff they will need to become great adults and parents when they are grown. Keep the faith! (They're worth it!)

I totally agree with the previous poster-team sports are great. Everything she said was great! I was thinking about Girl and Boy Scouts too when I read your post. I had a really great leader and will always remember her.

Well.. from what you said.. it seems to me like you are already doing a good job in my opinion... do you have family members?? Uncles, cousins.. even grandpa. If not then I noticed you mentioned you are a christian, maybe someone at church wouldn't mind spending a few hours with the kids and taking them to play basketball. There are also big brother big sister groups in the community that you could get the kids involved in. Im only 17.. so I dont know how much my advice helped.

Good luck.
A.

T.,

My heart goes out to you and your children. Have you thought about putting them in a mentoring program, either through your church or local recreation department. Most cities have or can direct you to a Big Brothers/Big Sisters program. Good luck and I'll be thinking of you.
M. B.

I was a single mother for many years to my first son and daughter. I was very fortunate to have a great father and 4 great brothers. The father of my first two was and continues to be an absent parent. I have to say that I believe that even if you never have even one regular "male role model"; you can show your children what a real man is by only allowing ANY man to treat both you and your children with respect. Even if it's the pizza delivery man. If a man doesn't, call it to your children's attention, just as you would if someone did something nice. Show them everyday, real world examples. Put them in sports. Keep them in church and in prayer. Be age appropriately open with them at all times. Never let them hear you say anything bad about their birth father. It is beneath you and will only hurt your children. They will know the truth as they grow older and come to realize on their own. Then, you can give them gentle answers if they want or need to know why. Things will work out.

Hi T.!
Well, it seems like everyone else said what I was thinking...about maybe getting connected to other men in the church that could invest in your son. I would probably meet with the pastor or someone in leadership and ask them who could help you in this, if you don't know of any guys that would be willing to spend consistant & quality time with your son.
Just wanted to give you Proverbs 3:6, too-- "In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." You are acknowledging the Lord, and He is faithful! He will guide you!
God bless you!

Hi T., I beleive being Christian, will help!! Children learn a lot from Good examples of those around them. Get them involved in City activites, Sports, Clubs etc. Where men will be their teachers, Coaches, and Leaders! And of course Most-- Churches have men as Leaders that your children can learn from. I have raised 1 daughter and 3 sons, 2 still at home. But I also found that once they got to be 15 or 16 my Husband and I had them get jobs, it keeps them busy and out of trouble and earning their own money, it also teaches them responsibility!! And they often had Male bosses which were great people!! Hang in there, I have always admired Single Mothers who raise kids!!Parenting is HARD!! Sincerely, L. S.

T.,
My mother in law raised her children w/o a father as well. You are a christian family. See if you have any friends at church even a male friend who may be a good role model and see if he would be willing to spend a little time w/ your boys.

I am glad to hear that you are a Christian mother. That is very important, at least I believe so. Have you tried your church as far as finding positive male role models for your children? That would be a start. Even though the father does not play an important role in their lives, does he have family members that you would feel comfortable allowing the children to spend time with? In regards to your question "so when is the best time to introduce someone new to the children?" I feel that it is important for you to take your time and get to know the person before introducing him to your children. I know some may not agree but as Christian mothers, we don't jump in and out of relationships. So we have to make sure that we are not getting involved with someone who is not looking for a long term relationship. Once you know where the person stands as far as what he wants in the future then you will know if he needs to be introduced to your children or not. Every man that comes into your life may not be looking for a relationship but a causal friendship where he wants to see you on a casual basis. This is not someone that you would want to introduce to your children.

Hi T.

I have read some really good advice about activities your boys can join, such as school activities, boy scouts, church. Be sure to also be involved with your boys so that you get to see that their values reflect yours as well.
As for when to introduce your boys to an eventual man in your life, I would suggest to not hurry until you are sure that this man is the one. You did not mention the ages of your boys, so I will suggest something more broad. General rule would be to let your children know after a few months that you are seeing someone and answer their questions as it comes (if it does). Although their father is not present, I would be careful about assumptions that this person would replace their father. Children have a tendency to have loyalty issues (most particularly if the other parent is involved). This will create tension and conflict in the future family. Children also need to understand that you can love more than one person. Introduce this man slowly into their lives either by going to a public place together (like a park, a movie, a restaurant), somewhere that is not home. This also gives the time for the kids to get to know this person in an environment that is non threatening to them.
These are only a few ideas to consider. For more information, you can go to www.stepfamily.org and look at some of Jeannette Lofas' books (Living in Step) or visit my website at www.coachingsteps.com . I would be happy to answer any questions regarding steprelations you might have.
Good luck

C. C.
Coaching Steps. LLC
Life Coach
www.coachingsteps.com

I agree with your hesitation about introducing your kids to new boyfriends. It's way too confusing for them! I was a single mom for 11 years and I always had my dad and brother around for positive male influence. My daughter, who's now almost 19, turned out great!! I hope your kids get to spend lots of time with your brothers (and father/grandfather, if you're fortunate enough to have one around).

I recommend the book "Bringing up Boys" even though you also have a daughter. It gives a lot on insight into male role models and the influence of a male presence in the lives of children.

Hi T.,

Big Brothers/Big Sisters have role models that have been screened. The Kiwanis Clubs are International and find one and go talk to the group nearest you. When I had custody of my 8 year old, some of the men helped me with her on occasions. Good luck. D.

First, my admiration goes out to you as a single (sane) Mom. My advice would be based on your kids ages- but getting them involved in a team sport (even in the summer) through your county or church...male role models as young as 18 are great influences in a young boys life- so is Bible Study or the equivalent at a local church-Father figures come in many ways- Teachers, coaches,neighbors, grandparents or surrogate grandpas. Theatre groups, library contacts, Art galleries, Nature Centers where there are alot of kind, gentle men into gardening, nature walks, bird walking, and can take the time to listen and care 1:1 with a young person. I might also suggest looking on teh internet for contacts of Christian moms or Moms in your neighborhood or through your children's school. Best of luck- you sound like a great Mom! And one who my children would adore! Arlene

Well hello Tashana. I am also a single mother of two young men whom I know are my true gifts from God. One has now successfully completed college and my other one is in his first year of college. It took much prayer for God to place the right men in my life to be male role models for my children.No, I was not dating through this time. I commend you on knowing that they are still in need of a male role model. We mothers can do many things but being a male model is not one of them. I placed my children in Christian based mentoring programs through my church and they were terrifically blessed with strong men of God. They continue to be an active part in the lives of my sons. Keep your faith,stay strong on your beliefs,and values and know that there is help out there for you. Prayer is the key. May you be equally blessed as I have been. I hope this is of help to you.

Dear T.,

You say that you are a Christian so I assume that you have a church that you attend regularly. That would be an excellent place to find a male role model for your children. Abuela

Boy Scouts, Boy Scouts!

There are not enough words to tell you how important and meaningful the right match to a Boy Scout troop can be for a boy. Be sure to interview and go to many different troops to see which would be the best match. There are big differences in activities and interests between the troops. Some have activities ( or multiple) every weekend others are more laid back it depends on what your kids are interested in doing as a hint I would ask how many of the older boys stay with the troop until they are 18 a good judge of the quality of the troop. Take care , good luck.

I just had a few thoughts that might get you started. You mentioned you're a "Christian mommy," so maybe there's a man/family at church that your children could spend time with to have a positive male role model. Also, your son might do well in a Boy Scouts or other similar group where there might be men leaders (depending on his age). I don't know what the requirements are, but even a "Big Brother" or other mentor type organization might help. I would think if they become friends with other kids and you get to know the family and believe the father would be a good role model, even allowing them to spend time with their friends' parents could be helpful.
As far as when to introduce them to a boyfriend, I'm not sure, but I think you're wise to wait a while before you do it.
Good luck!

Do you go to church? I would start there. There would be support for your children, and for you! The Lord is the best influence they can have. I would do my best to instill the qualities that the Lord finds positive and uplifting. It is great that you have this conviction and feeling of responsibility for your children. Also, are they schoool aged? Maybe there is a male teacher you could speak with. It is great that you have younger brothers that can be mentors. I find that beneficial to your children, and to them!

Good Luck!

I was a single mom for about 8 years. I was trying to raise my two sons and needed that male influence in their lives. I took them to church, got them involved in sports and cubs scouts. Their dad was occasionally in their lives but not enough to make any type of difference. This helped a lot. Some of the males in church would actually take my boys out golfing or whatever for the day.

I raised three girls by myself. Their father wasn't around and it sure was scary dating, especially since I had daughters. I just made sure I kept the lines of communication open with my daughters, I made sure they understood (when they were old enough) what their bodies were, and explained to them the different parts of their bodies, and the differences between good touches and bad touches, and even at that, I would not introduce them to guys I may have been dating, until I was sure about the guy. I got married when they were between 7 and 13, but the marriage didn't work out, so you have to be very selective, and really careful not to make the same mistake I made. I talked to my children endlessly about life, other people, other peoples children, what they would or could potentially be introduced to and they have turned out to be well rounded children. They are not perfect children, but they are able to use good judgement in most cases. One thing to keep in mind though, is that we all have to learn by our own mistakes and at some point, you will just have to let your children live. I never stop being a mother, I still talk to them endlessly. They are now between the ages of 16 and 22. And they listen, and openly communicate with me about anything...The fact that you show so much interest in how you would want your children to turn out is wonderful and a great start at being a wonderful, patient, caring, parent and protector. Keep up the good work!!

One good way to have some good male role models in your childrens lives is to get involved with a church. That way they will meet the right kind of people and have interaction with males in the way of Sunday school and other church related activities. You may also want to consider groups like parents without partners or something like that.

Hello T.!! It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job with your children! I was a single mom with my oldest son (now 7) before I met my husband. I think that a positive male bond is needed for children at all ages and increases as they get older. This doesn't have to be a "dad" , or even a boyfriend. Your brothers all though young , can have a positive influence on your children as well as grandpa. If you are involved with a church, they are probaly several males in your church -such as sunday school teachers, youth ministers. Then there's sports. Alot of Dads help out with sports, exspecially ymca type sports. Whatever the male influence is that you expose them to, just make sure that it is a healthy exposure (a person that you and your children trust and feel comfortable with). Male friends also make great influences. My son adored one of my male friends. He was a single father, so my son also got to see how "dad's" parent as well. When you do meet someone just take it slow, and ease into the relationship between them and your children!! Good luck!!

Hi T.,
I am also a single mother of an 8 year old and a 19 year old. My 8 year old has a Big Brother from Big Brothers Big Sisters, a male college student from JMU. He has been a wonderful male role model for my 8 year old. You didn't say how old your children are but they would have to be 6 years old for a Big Brother or Sister from the organization. Big Brothers Big Sisters does an excellent job of screening applicants and matching your child with someone that shares the same interests. Since you go to church and have a faith in God it's also possible you could find a male you could trust that would be willing to be a mentor to your children at your church. I personally have not found that kind of support through the church but maybe your church is different. It's a good idea not to introduce someone you are dating to your children until you are feeling comfortable in your relationship with that person and feel it could be a lasting relationship. It's too hard on the children who may become very connected to any boyfriends you may have. Please don't think getting a boyfriend is the solution because I personally believe it can complicate things and I have done better on my own. I never consider dating anyone based on thinking my children need a father. Being a single mother is definitely a challenge. Most people don't realize the little things they can do to help such as volunteering to babysit your children so you can have a break to be a better Mom or inviting you over for a meal because it can be very lonely sometimes and maybe even offering financial assistance if they see a need. I would love to start a single Mom's support group because we need other single Mom's who can understand what we are experiencing. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I would encourage you to pray that God would send positive male role models into your children's life.
M.

Are you actively involved in a church? When I was a single mom, I got to know some families of girls that were in my daughters Sunday School class. I would invite them over for dinner, they'd return the invite, I'd invite them to do things with us, etc. It gave my daughter a chance to get to know some men and see normal family life. Eventually, I also made friends with a number of single men in the church, and they did things with us.

FWIW, I ended up marrying one of those good friends, but romance didn't enter the picture until we'd been hanging out for ~3 years as friends. It was a surprise to both of us.

BigBrothersBigSisters.org
Great organization for you to be involved in. Look for a local organization. I was a part of it years ago and it is worth it for your kids.

Good Luck.

I know that it is difficult to raise two children along. But, my advise to you is to seek God and he will be your guide and helper. I know that it is important for children to have a father in their lives. The only thing you can give them at the moment is your love and attention. Children spell love "time". I think that God will supply all your needs if you seek him first. One day he will bless you with a wonderful husband , who will love you and your children. Let that special man seek you first. Be bless!
L.

T.,

I have been in your shoes. I have 2 married sons now but my youngest was 3 when his father left and his dad stayed pretty much out of his life. You have the one male role model you already stated -- GOD. You cannot go wrong with that lifestyle. Keep the Lord in their lives without pushing everything out of their lives as a result or you will push them the other way--away from God. Find the balance between world and God and let them live it.

As far as when to introduce someone to them--much time after you have had a chance to assess the person and their background. It takes a very special person to love someone else's child but it can be done. Again, this is where you seek God's help always in quickening your mind so that you know how to discern.

It sounds like you have it pretty well together. Parenting is a trial and error career anyhow; none of us do it perfectly but you already have the foundation. God will provide the rest.

Communicate with your children and just LOVE them. They may not always understand it now but they will. Make them your priority with God being first, of course. Don't let anyone hurt them emotionally or any other way.

You will be fine...

G Powell

Hello - You are a christian, maybe you go to church. I would suggest getting them involved in a youth group and with all the activities that are held, there are many men that would be involved. You could also go to BigBrothers/Big Sisters and see what they have to offer.