Advise on Keeping My Thoughts to Myself

This is going to sound really harsh but you have to just say no. I understand she works and its awesome that you are willing to keep the baby for her while she's at work but she's abusing the privalidge. I find it hard to believe that all the time your granddaughter spends with you her mom is at work. You need to set ground rules like you have to be here to pick up your kid at this time. I understand that she's young and she probably feels like she still has a life to live but she's a mother now and that has to come first before anything else. Its not that her child wont know who she is, the baby will know that that is her mom, the problem is when she gets older (3-4) and it's easier to care for her, her mom is probably going to be more willing to have her but shes not going to listen to her becuase her mom isnt an authroity figure in her life, you guys are.
It's about time managemnet and being willing to make sacrifices. IF its her job thats keeping her during the week she has to be blunt and tell them that she has to go get her daughter, she can't stay. IF hse still wants to go out at night she should plan it for a night that the baby is with her daddy. If its a special event and it can't be reschduled then a sussgestion would be to make plans to meet after the baby is bed, like nine or ten oclock, that way she can be the one to put her baby to bed and then pick her up early the next morning so they still have the day together.
You have to talk to her about this now though becuase as the child gets older it's only going to get harder. Good luck.

This is a really tough situation, because you are right. During children's first few years bonding with the parent is crucial. Do you have the baby because the mother is at work, or because she wants go out and do stuff, and not be tied down by the baby. I know it's hard being a single mother and trying to raise a baby and work. But there are thousands of woman out there who do it everyday. I would suggest that you start only taking her during the time that she works. If she asks you to watch her longer so she can go out make up an excuse why you can't. Being a mother I know it's hard work and that there a days when you just need a break, but it can't be all the time. I usually only get a break (not including when i am at work) like once every three months. There are chooices we make in life and we have to live with them, and having children in the biggest one we make. She really needs this time in her babies life to spend it bonding with her, or later on in life when she has a problem she's going to come running to you two and not her mother because she will feel close to you's, and t his will hurt her mother in ways she won't be able to imagine now. So my advice is just start slowly saying no, and making up excuses. I think once she does start spending more time with her she will greatly appreciate it. Let me know how it works out and Good Luck!

Everyone has such good insight....

First and foremost discuss it with your partner so you are united. If you and her do not agree, or if she is just agreeing with you because its what you want, then it will ultimately cause problems between the two of you.

If you are united...then talk to your daughter. I think it is probably very difficult for her financially to have to pay child care, and I dont think thats the road I'd want to go, IF you wanted to take care of your grandchild. I would want to take care of the baby during working hours, but working hours only, and perhaps a set amount of time (3 hours a week?) for your daughter to get some alone time (one afternoon or evening)

I would not become the babysitter for her to do her grocery shopping or dating or things of that sort because then she is not taking responsibility of the child she created.

Its wonderful that you two have been together so long, and have raised your children together. This is the time that you should enjoy each other, and being tied down 24/7 is not the way to do it.

:)
D.

I have a different take on the situation. Does she WANT to be a mother? It is very well possible she is keeping herself away (at work, with friends, etc) because she is not willing to accept the fact that she is a mom, or do the things that mom's usually do. Maybe she is not ready to be a mom - maybe she is scared, or doesn't think it is for her. Problem is - she IS a mom and *she* needs to deal with it asap. She's old enough to step up to the plate and do her share when she can. I agree with the others when they say you must ask her to stop imposing on your kindness, goodwill, and generosity. You are willing to help...but to a certain point. I do hope she is contributing to your expenses for her child. If not, then I would ask her to contribute, or give you money each week for the child, and throw some more in for your time and effort.

Of course you should talk to your partner first about this. Maybe you and partner could sit down with daughter together and hash this out. If partner does not see what you are doing, take a vacation for a week or two and let the partner see what it is like! :-)

Whether she likes it or not, she's a mom. She needs to start acting like one.

Good luck!!

I got pregnant at 17 and had my daughter at 18. When I told my mom that I was pregnant her response was "I raised my children I am not raising yours. I will help you with what I can but this is your child." I think that you just have to put your foot down. Tell your daughter that as much as you love both her and your grandchild she is the mother and needs to take responsibility. Tell her you will only watch the child for an X amount of hours a week other than that she'll have to get daycare or make other arrangments. I garentee once she looks and sees how much daycare is she'll spend more time with the baby. I understand that she is working but there is no reason to neglect your child and pawn them off. I am sorry if I sound a bit harsh however, like you, my words are sometimes strong. Good luck

i have to say for most part that i agree with kristin's response. i know people like yor daughter and father of the child. when my child was 6 months old i quit my job because it demanded too much of my time. i lost the freedom and finance that i had had for the 8 years prior to me having her. i moved back into my parents home ( i am 30) to go back to school and find something more accomodating for my child. which i must say moving back home was no picnic, to me though, there was no other option. how could i have someone else telling me her first words, first steps, what new experience made her light up like a christmas tree that day. mind you that i was not the girl who desperately wanted a child ( she was not planned) and was very career oriented. but all that changed the moment i looked at her.
so now your daughter does not have these things and that is sad for her. does she get along with the child's father? i just wonder if they don't get along, if she is seeing her child as a reminder of him then maybe she's not distinguishing between the two of them. maybe it's something else. i definately think that you and your partner have to get on board and say something. i mean ultimately she is being selfish by robbing you guys of being grandparents. you've done the parent thing already. you've had the days of wanting to ring their necks one second to wanting to kiss their whole face the next. you should never want the first feeling for your granchild. you guys should be nothing but a pleasure cruise for that child. that child should be able to have a person who makes the rules (mom and/or dad) and the people who are alowed to bend the rules.
also look to the future, what happens when it's mother's day tea at school or father son baseball and while every other child has their parent, this one has grandma. not to say that that's bad, but the child is gonna wonder why. you know?
whatever your way this has got to be nipped in the bud. also she number one will not let you stop seeing this child because quite frankly who else will she have watch the child. and number two, you have rights; no judge is going to find that two very unselfish and loving people are better off out of this child' life.
i know it's hard but you have to resolve this for everyone involved! good luck!

She probably does not realize that their is more to being a mom then just working and making sure she is taken care of. I think you should mention to her that she is missing out on experiences with her child that she will not be able to bring back. Try not to tell her what to do but explain to her that her child needs her to be there. If that does not work then she will have to learn the hard way and realize in later in life when she is more mature but the problem with that is that the child has to wait.

Hi L.,
Before you sit your daughter down ask yourself:
1. How close you and your daughter truly are?
2. How will your partner think/say/feel about it? We parents tend to get hurt when someone discplines/advises our children because it comes off as we are being criticized, like we haven't done a good enough job raising them.
3. Why is your daughter away so much: is it really work?
I think your daughter does this because you are around. She knows you are reliable, you love her baby. I'm sure she wouldn't have behaved this way had she been taking her baby to a day care.
Talk to your partner about this before you sit your daughter down.

Have courage,

HI L.,
Everyone seems right one. If she is out with her "extended family" is that friends and stuff? Reality is not every woman can see that the child should come first. She might to grow up and see that her child is suffering while she is having fun. It is hard to raise a child with a partner let alone all by one's self. Yes she needs to work to support her child but she should be home everyday, doing the playing, feeding, bath time and tucking in. Those are the moments that count too! She is lucky she has you two to be there to help out but without knowing all the circumstances I would have to say talk to your parnter, see how they feel, and then sit her down and have a heart to heart and remind her how you are up front so she remembers. Most likely she will be upset but hopefully she will see that you love her and the child and want the best for both of them. And the other mom was right...grandparents do have rights in the eyes of the law!! Hopefully it wont come to that. Good luck!
P.

hmm just sit her down & ask her if she knows how fast kids grow up..i missed the past cpl yrs of my kids lives cause of some personal problems & it hurts me..but sit & talk with her bout taking more tiime with her kid cause souds like well she does need 2 be there

Hi L..

I read through some - but I have a little insight coming from a mom whose kids are in daycare and I am separated.

Ok - I work an hour away and have to put my kids in daycare/school from 7am and don't get home sometimes to get them until 6:30 at the earliest.

I have my kids mon & tues and every other weekend, my ex wed. and thurs and e/o weekend.

When I don't have them on my off weekend, I don't get them from WEd. through Sun night. I love my kids. I love beign with them, but to get to experience "single" life again, sometimes Monday's knowing I am getting htem again I get a little pang of poutiness. Don't get me wrong, I immediately feel guilty about it - but it's been nice to have a life as something other than "mom".

It's addictive. And if you do it too long - it gets easier adn easier to put emphasis on the "pang" and less on the "guilt".

By Monday night though - it's gone. I miss my kids. I miss the goofiness, the good, the bad, the "o-my-god-if-you-don't-stop-whining-my-ears-are-going-to-bleed" moments too...lol.

Maybe this is what your daughter has experienced. She needs to work. She needs to make the money to pay things. and maybe she felt overwhelmed? And maybe - as what happened to me once - it was a little too easy for her to have you guys watch the child? She probably knows you won't say no - and it makes it easy for her.

Maybe - I'm not saying this is the wya it is, just some things I went through when I first went out on my own and was trying to regain some of my life back.

Hope this helps some,