Advice on Low Academic Achievement with Daughter with High IQ

S., you've answered your own question in the first paragraph:

"She's in a very competitive high school..."

Her spirit is being killed. She's in an environment where the joy of learning has been removed, and it's all about competition and winning. Get her out. Send her to an art school. Send her to Paris or South America. Let her take a Gap year hear where she works on a farm in Hawaii.

S., she is being crushed...I'm the team lead for Mountain View High Schools' Stressed Out Student team, and we've just finished a school-wide survey on stress, stressors, and what kids want us to do about it.

The message is loud and clear -- they want to be challenged academically, but they also want to be kids, teenagers, have some control over their destiny. Didn't we, as teenagers? We are killing our kids, literally, with the stress we are inflicting on them. We have removed the pure joy of learning from the learning process.

Call me if you want any more ideas on how to help her...

Best,

J. J-T
www.evolibri.com

You might find this article interesting. It was in the New York Times. Here's the link:

http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9D0DE0D713...

The thrust of this article (and there are many other similar studies you can find about this) is that telling a kid he/she is smart tends to make them give up when they run into a challenge.

I have much younger children, so I don't know what will happen with my daughters when they get to 16, but I know this article changed my style of parenting (and my husband's). We had a child who was very good at lots of things, with a similar IQ to your child, but would give up from a tendency to perfectionism. After we started stressing effort as the only thing that predicts success, and praised effort consistently (never saying she was "smart"), we saw a remarkable change in a few months. Now she will try things that we think might be too difficult for a child her age, and she will say, "No, I'm not going to give up."

Anyway, hope it helps, and good luck. Maybe will help to see some evidence and studies on groups of children!

Hi S.,
I am a family therapist who specializes in teens and their families, and I would recommend taking the 'long view' on this one and finding out what your daughter wants, and helping her achieve that. Does she want better grades, or is she satisfied with what her efforts are getting her? At 16, it's time for you to step back and let her handle things. Let her know that your ready to help by designing study-schedules or finding tutors, if that's what she wants, and but if she doesn't wnat your help, your not going to offer, and then stick by it. Many teens, once they're 'on their own' to solve a problem, finally take it seriously and get to work on it.
Another approach is to ask her, in a non-confrontational way, what she plans for herself after ighschool-- is she going to a community college? DOes she plan on going to a state school? Try to sound interested and not judgmental-- she may surprise you with how much she's thought this through.
Good luck!

S. -- every other mom who has responded so far is exactly right. Take ALL of their suggestions to heart.

Grades aren't everything -- if she is calling herself stupid I would make sure she knows that.

Don't tell her the I.Q. - it's irrelevant, and the point made about focusing on intelligence and perfectionism is entirely true. Focus only on effort.

Find something she can succeed in, even in a small way. Even the smallest successes in life make people feel good about themselves.

As stated before -- find out what her goals are. Then work from there. She can go to college with a C average.

Overall, don't make a huge deal out of this. There are worse things in life than getting C's.

I'm of two minds about this. Don't tell her her IQ. We all have different strengths and hers will become clearer as she grows; we're not all cut out to succeed in traditional academic environments. But knowing the IQ at this age would be too tempting to share and compare with other kids, and what would happen if it turned out that someone else (or several) in her peer group claimed an IQ of 146? 148? 155? What I'm saying is it's probably not a factor that would turn her around, but rather one that might make her feel more confused.

Be sure that it's not the boyfriend who put "stupid" into her head.

At 16 she is on the verge of new womanhood and that's a tough time. She's exploring intimacy in relationship with her boyfriend and that's all new too, and more alluring than anything else at school. I'd suggest getting her involved in a group or community-oriented activity, whether that's a class or a volunteer opportunity, and just spend time with her as much as you can. In a few more years (too few!) she may be out on her own, quite possibly coasting through life, and you won't have as much input or insight into what she's doing.

She'll be ok, mama. The best thing you can do to help her be successful is to be there for her, be open, honest, and full of love. There's so much about life that high school and academics don't prepare anyone for, and you may find that she is very well equipped to succeed, despite her average grades.

All blessings and comfort to you!

I've been to some of the parent seminars put on by that "Stressed Out Students" group, and they were very insightful.

I too have a 16 year old daughter who goes to a competitive high school. I'm reading for the second time the book "Ready or Not Here Life Comes" by Dr. Mel Levine. One of his thoughts is that some parents are so focused on getting their children into the best college they lose sight of the bigger picture -- getting the child to make the transition into the adult working world. What does your daughter want to do after college (or high school for that matter)?

I'm putting the seeds into my daughters' head that maybe this summer would be a good time to get a job. I know for me that having a job in high school and then a co-op job (like an intern) during college helped me "see the light at the end of the education tunnel".

I remember seeing a neighbors' high school age daughter working at Longs. She told me, "It's pretty boring." to which I said, "I think that's why your parents want you to go the college."

I tell my daughter that she will get into a college. I'm more interested in her getting into a college that is a good fit for her than what others think is the best school.