Adult Mother/Daughter Dynamic

I don't know what is typical. My mom and I live about 15 minutes from each other, and we call each other pretty equally to invite each other to do things. We're very close, and get along very well. We see each other a few times a month in addition to family gatherings, and we talk on the phone several times a week.

I feel the same way...maybe the moms are just busy with getting older, they have no time to spare..or maybe as a parent they don't want to bug into their adult child's life as before..

I think it is because she doesn't want to bother you since you may have a lot on your plate. I am like that with my Grammy, most of the time its me calling her and her returning my phone calls. And sometimes I don't hear from her for a while and I'll call her only to hear "I didn't want to bother you at work, or I know your busy so I didn't want to bother you".

Do you have young kids? Maybe she is hesitant to call for fear of waking up a baby? My mom has no problem waking up the kids so she is the opposite but I call her too. You might be a better planner than her, meaning, maybe you pick out cooler restaurants or come up with cool ideas of things to do. She may just think she is bothering you. Not that you gave her that vibe but maybe she remembers what its like with kids and a husband.

Since she is happy when you call, you know she wants to see you. My best guess is that she does not want to be the bothersome mom bugging the daughter. My mother-in-law is like this almost to a fault. She gets me on the phone and practically apologizes for calling and I don't know how to make it any clearer that I am able to talk and happy she called.

Either talk to her about it or just keep calling her and accept it as status quo. You are soooo lucky to have your mom to hang with!!

This is how my relationship with my mom is, and we are quite close (in that we share our feelings a lot). My mom rarely calls me. It might be that she knows I will call. I think it is probably mostly that she worries about calling when I am busy with work and kids and figures it would be best if I just reach out when I am free. So, I would maybe go with that assumption. Or, just ask her if you feel close enough to do so.

Never lived near my parents after I moved out to go away to college. My mom would call and say "I want to visit, what is your schedule like" or "I'm coming next Friday". Never mattered I was always so happy to see her. What I would give to have that again. Mother has Alzheimers and is in a nursing home. I did visit this past weekend. She doesn't know who we are but that is a whole other post!! =(

Our daughter moved out to her new apartment recently. I call, she calls. Right after she moved in, she called and invited us for dinner. She has had us over several times. Matter of fact, I was talking with her on the phone last night on my way home from work and she mentioned that her apartment had lost power. I asked if she wanted to come over for dinner and she said "yes please!!!" She showed up in her jammies! She is such a cutie!

Our son lives in Kentucky attending college and Army. For those visits they need to be coordinated because of his military schedule along with school. He did invite us to come up last October for homecoming. Nice weekend with the boy was had.

So long answer, we all call each other. We all invite each other. 50/50 mostly.

I don't live close to my mother but my sister does and I'm pretty sure my sister is almost always the one to suggest something. My mom tries not to intrude, bother her etc. she figures us "kids" are so busy. I bet your mom is like that too. I probably will be like that with my girls too someday! Better than being too needy...

I no longer live anywhere near my mom but when I did we had no issue with getting together - either of us called or texted the other. Now, although I live 1600 miles away we still are in close contact constantly. We still invite each other to do things though we know full well it's not going to happen but the fact that we invite means the world.

This may very well be what is her normal. Be happy you're able to be close with your mom and try not to get too caught up on whom(who?) calls who(whom?) :)

I'm guessing she's trying to give you space without meddling. Some mothers (and MILs) are afraid that if they interrupt your "routine" or call too often, you'll end up resenting them. The fact that your mom's always happy to go is a sign that she appreciates your reaching out. My mom's the same way. Thank goodness for email - it's a helpful way to let her know I'm thinking about her even though I can't pick up the phone and call every day. Keep doing what you're doing. And yes, it's typical. :)

That's how it is with my mother and I, if I don't make plans to see her or invite her over then we just don't see each other. Even though she doesn't show up to half the events I invite her to (like my kids bday parites). Of course if I don't make plans and therefore don't see her for awhile then she stews and resents me for it, and accuses me of not fitting her into my schedule. We don't really have the best relationship so this might not be helpful to you lol.

My inlaws are the complete opposite, my MIL and FIL make all the plans, invite us, try to make it work around our schedules. My husband doesn't plan anything he just shows up. It works great, but now I do wonder if they ever complain that they have to make all the plans??

Honestly with any adult relationship it'd be great to meet halfway.

Also think you have to consider people's personalities, some like to take control while others sit back and go with the flow. If two people are the laid back type then neither would want to do all the work.

Just curious as to why it matters who initiates... I can see in a way that she feels secure in receiving your calls (and knowing that you will), and you feel secure in her being available when you want to reach out. Who initiates the call seems irrelevant.

Beyond that, is there an undercurrent that is driving the question?

I live 5 minutes from my parents. We aren't social. We don't hang out. She calls me to see my son. It's always been that way, always will. I can't see her EVER calling me to see me. I can't see me ever calling, just to see her. It's all about the grandchild-grandparent relationship. She is a fine grandmother and sees my son all the time, but we aren't friends. We would never see each other, if it weren't for him. For us, that's normal.

Who knows what's normal or typical.... like any relationship, it's what works for those in it! I know I live states away from my Mom. We talk at least 5 times a week - I usually call. When I don't, she wants to know what's wrong. If you are not comfortable with it, just ask her why she never calls.... she may not even realize it's always you! Mother/daughter relationships are unique/special/challenging.... find what works for you!

We're about 45-50 mins away ( opposite sides of the city ), I'd say its about 50/50 with us.

I usually call. I have three kids so my schedule is the more difficult one to plan around. But then my planning is usually along the lines of, "Hey, I was going to go to Costco this week. Wanna come?"

I'm a 62 year old mom/grandma, retired, and home most of the time. My daughter is 32 and she unschools my two grandsons. This type of schooling has her out most of the time as the boys have other homeschooling family groups, music lessons, athletics, etc. Honestly I try not to bother my daughter. She's very busy. She often takes days to get back to me when I leave a message on her phone. She knows I'm here and available. I figure the last thing she needs is good old mom sounding like she needs her to drive, yes, a good 20 to 30 minutes to my house for something. Sure I could drive to her, but like I said, her days are pretty full. Maybe that's your mom's thinking? Maybe a talk to find out and to let her know how much you enjoy getting together and would love it if she called from time to time about getting together. Of course, you'd have to try not to turn her down a lot or you may be back where you started. I have to say my relationship with my daughter is one of the most important in my life. I hope you and your mom can find a compromise that preserves yours, too. I wish you the best!

My husband and his mother, who lives about 30 minutes away, are always saying "we should get together!" but we never really do. She stopped by unexpectedly once less than a week after our baby was born (she's 6 now) and I was trying to nurse, which wasn't working, so we were both upset and I was pissed that she'd just shown up. Now she won't even call if she wants to see us and waits for us to initiate something, even though they talk almost every day. I've told her she can call us if she wants to come over, but she won't. We see my family, which is almost 4 hours away, more than we do his. Whenever we go see my Grandma, or my Great-Aunt, who are the same age as his Grandma, he always says "we should spend more time with my Grandma." And I always say "Yes! Why don't we?!" but then he forgets to schedule anything. It's so weird to me.

Well I'm the one who always calls my mom to make plans. She's retired but pretty busy with her friends. I have 4 adult children. 2 still live with me while they finish school. The 2 that don't live at home are the ones who usually call me to make plans. My children are pretty busy with school, work, and the older two with their own children so it works out easier for them to call and plan when they have time.

I don't have a daughter but my son moved about thirty minutes away last year, then moved again. While he was here I got the distinct impression that even though he and his wife were sort of close they really didn't want me to bother them, so I didn't. They moved. Sad to say but very far away. I was so sad but in conversations later, I told him "I never bothered you"
So, does your mother feel it is alright to call you or would it be a bother? Or at least what message she is feeling?

My mom and I both call each other to plan dates. I usually do more of the calling/setting up but that is because she is retired and I work full time and have two small kids at home. We do weekly lunch dates and usually switch off on choosing the location.

It's just a known fact that my kids and I eat dinner with them every Friday (dad is working) and she picks them up after school. We usually spend every Saturday OR Sunday with them as well (again Dad is working).

We mostly see eachother for our lunch dates and on the weekend with the kids. We rarely go out just the two of us to run errands or go shoppping. Maybe 2x a year.