Adopt Our Nephew?

hello S.,
i commend you for stepping up and taking in this little boy. i too am in the same situation with my sister. i want to encourage you to save this little boy who didnt ask to be brought into this world. i know this is a lifetime decision but just remember he is 6 years old, his chances of being adopted are pretty slim since no one wants older children. please do your best and give him the love that he is missing from a parent. i cant understand how a woman can have children and leave them like nothing. they are selfish and disgusting. so once again, i encourage you to do the right thing.
with great admiration... t

2 moms found this helpful

Hi S., I don't have experience in adopting with children...but I do have two children that I foster/adopted.....

With adopting, you need to agree as a family that this is what you want to do.....your nephew will probably be a "model" child for the first couple of months...after that the honeymoon is over and problems will arise...you wil need to treat this child as your own and ride out hte battle...he probably will have some problems...even though his grandmother was taking care of him...she "dumped" him on his mother....if she truely cared for this child and wanted the best for him, she would have kept him....obviously she didn't.

Make sure you let your children know that it will take time for your nephew to adjust to living with you ..and make sure that you let your nephew know that they are part of yoru family, that he is loved and will be protected and safe with you and that you will be there when it gets tough and that he has the same rules as your children.

For sure take him to your own pediatrician and get his meds re evaluated.

Also, after you adopt...it seems like those that help you with the process just fade away.....and as an adoptive parent you still need that support when issues arise.....I am part of a group called CAFA....Capitol Adoptive Families.....we have a link on meetup.com and the ladies who run up are women who have adoptive children but also who have worked for CPS...so they know both sides of what we go through...you might want to look into this group or other similar groups.

Also, you need to decided how much contact your nephew will have with his birth mom and you decide what you think is best as also with his therapist....

Good Luck and thank you for giving your nephew a normal childhood with a loving family.

2 moms found this helpful

Dear S.,

Sounds like that little guy needs love and stability. He is probably feeling pretty lost right now. I know first hand what it feels like to be the child mom didn't want, never knowing dad,and being passes back and forth, and it doesn’t feel good. If you adopt your nephew, make sure it's for the long hall and your sister signs the papers so she can't ask for custody in coming years.

Even though his parents are losers and probably shouldn't have any children, please try to stay in touch (from a DISTANCE), and save pictures, letters, cards etc. for your nephew. He will want to know about them, no matter how they have behaved. Abandoned children are in pain and it can affect them for a lifetime. They are usually curious about their parents, especially when some of their siblings are kept and they were not.

The love and nurturing you, your husband and family provide for this boy, will have a huge impact on the way he views life.

Blessings.....

2 moms found this helpful

Hi S.,

I have 4 boys of my own and 5 years ago I took on my older brothers 3 girls...Yes thats 7! I dont have them now as one turned 18 and wanted to move out, one is 17 and just last month went to MO where my mother and the youngest girl age 15 now is. I wish I had gotten them at the young age of 6 things would have been easier. However if you have everyones support then I say go for it! It's hard but so rewarding!

C.

1 mom found this helpful

YES, YES, YES!!! Please adopt him!!!!! You can do it!! He needs you. There will be pros and cons, and life will be more challenging, but there will be rewards too.

Don't think too much. Just do it. It will be awesome.

And I think with love and attention you might find out he doesn't have "ADHD", and you can drop the medication.

1 mom found this helpful

I have adopted my fourth child getting ready to adopt his brother here soon. They were foster children to begin with. Adoption is a wonderful thing. If there has been bonding, that is taking place with any adult, it would be much easier for you. Attachment disorders are a big challenge, usually are coupled with ADHD. I'm a very spiritual person and for my oldest son it has taken a lot of work, time and love. I spend a lot of time on my knees. This has been the most rewarding thing that I've ever done in my life and yet it has been the most challenging thing I have ever done in my life. I have three adult biological children. Although they are adults, they still have jealousy. There are counselors that specialize in helping families and adoptive children to bond. We utilized a really great therapist in our area. Good luck with this possible new adventure.

1 mom found this helpful

first of all, when i was twelve my grandma adopted me. It wasn't easy as cake but sooo worth it and im so grateful that she took me in.
I would say go for it!! Sounds like he needs stability and love. Which he isn't getting from his mother.
It won't be easy, but the impact you will have on his life in the long run should be worth it.
Plus they always say "whats one more right" You have 4 other children, it sounds like he would fit right in and the other kids would help, and keep him busy.
Make sure its what you want to do, not what you have to. You don't want him to feel left out and as if he is a burden to your family. He needs to feel like he's wanted and loved.
There are so many things out there to help with adhd ( if he even has it) so that shouldn't be the main factor in your decision. Plus he's a 6 yr old BOY of course he isn't going to sit still for long...gotta go explore :)
Good luck!!
He needs you

1 mom found this helpful

S.,
I wish you would adopt him and give him the home that he deserves.
W. m

That poor kid! I think its wonderful that you are thinking about helping him. I have no experience with an adoption but it seems like you can find out a lot about him from your 1/2 sister's mother. that way you will know exactly what behavior issues you may have to deal with.
Good Luck
J.

Hi Sheri,

You sound like you have made up your mind about adopting him :o) And that you are ready and willing to "take it on". Bless you and your family for even considering that.

However, a couple of questions to think through.....

1)Does Grandma "enjoy" raising him, but just isn't able to right now? You don't want to ruffle feathers just because she broke her foot. Or perhaps, she might feel "relieved" that someone else is stepping in to help her Grandson?

2)How would your sister feel with you helping her son? Would she feel threatened, or insecure? If so, it could make things worse for your nephew....?????

Those are my biggest concerns for you. Other than that, I think your nephew is very lucky to have you want him.

Our experience: My husband is 1 of 7 children :o) His youngest brother was adopted into their family when he was 3 or 4. He was actually my husband's cousin. What I wanted you to know, that today he is in his 40's and we see him often. He is well rounded, and loves his family. It has never been brought up, or even talked about, since he was a boy. Everyone has always treated him like a family member, that was the only "rule" my M-I-L had. She said just love him, and make him feel comfortable in our house and treat him like a family member. In her mind, after having 6 kids, feeding & bathing another wasn't any big deal :O)

Anyway, S., good luck with this. This will take alot of patience and love on your part. I am certain that you are an "angel" in this young boy's life!

~N. :O)

No experience adopting, but I took on 3 challenging stepsons I barely knew...it was a long adjustment period, but worth it.

Does "already have a full house" mean you don't think you can handle another son? At six he might be relatively independent, and could even be helpful.
It sounds like your family is the boy's most likely chance for a decent life, so it would certainly be a kindness to open your home and your hearts. But the "visit" before committing to adoption is a good idea-- make sure you can really open your heart, if you adopt him.
He shouldn't be raised to feel like he is a burden to your family (that would be as bad as staying with his mother).
It could turn out to be wonderful to have another son...
If you are concerned about the possible ADHD, discuss it with his doctor and/or yours.
I hope everything works out!

Hi S.,

I came from a family of 9 children. I am number seven. My parents are old traditional people who does things the old fashion way. Meaning no social life outside the family and school world. All my older siblings were forced to grow up fast. We were taught to focus on our family values and education only. When I turned 15 I wanted to experience the teenage Beverly Hill 90210 experience. The only way I could do that was to live outside my parents world. My oldest sister who was 24 yrs old. Got married early and had her first child with another one on the way. Adopted me from my parents and gave me the life that I longed for. The best thing that ever happened to me. I am now a 36 yrs old mom. Working as a sucessful realtor. Married to a wonderful man I've known for over 16 yrs. Point of this story is that...... you can never extend your love too much and helping your family member to improve their quality of life is priceless. I would do it. Good luck!

it sounds like his grandma is his primary care giver; ask her how she feels about it before moving forward. if they are very close you may be disrupting that relationship by taking him from her. if she is supportive, obviously that would be best, and she could have regular visitations with him.

you are amazing for even entertaining this idea. thank you (from the universe!) for caring about children enough to consider adopting someone else's!

I haven't had any experience with adoption personally, but have observed relatives who have. My personal inclination is to tell you to go for it. From what you've said about the boy, it sounds like you might be able to give him a good life and in the process gain a loving son. My only caution is that you be sure to have all the legalities in perfect order to be sure his mother doesn't come back and give you trouble later on. No matter how well you get along with her now, there is never a guarantee when children are involved.

I just want to say that I applaud you for even considering this. Although this will be a huge undertaking for you and your family you will be giving this boy a normal life which all children deserve. He did not ask for the problems in which he faces. I will pray that you make the right decision and that everything works out for you and your family.

Bless you and your family for wanting to make a good home and family for this little boy. I wish you well and hope you find a good support group. It is not always easy to bring a new child into the family at this advanced age. I am sure he will act out and have feelings about both his mother and grandmother which will be hard for you all to deal with.

I used to be a foster mother, both for newborns and for older children. Making room for one more should be the easiest part. I have five children and one or two more didn't make a lot of difference. Be careful about the relationship between him and your two year old son to enhance the caring and sharing and not encourage competition for being the son in the family. They both have a place and even though the new son is adopted, he is older. Fortunately your 2 year old is too young to be concerned about this.

I wish all sorts of good things for you and your family!!N.

It sounds like your nephew would be VERY fortunate to land in your home permanently. All the best to you and your family.

There are many, many issues around older child adoption, and many issues around kinship adoption.

Older children with unstable checkered beginnings, like your nephew, often have many maladjusted behaviors that can be extremely challenging to deal with. For instance, lying, stealing, being violent and aggressive with poor anger control would all be fairly typical. Sexual acting out is almost the norm as well, and you'll need to be prepared to deal with the issue of precocious and inappropriate sexual behaviors acted out with your other children, often the younger ones.

I think you should anticipate the need for professional counseling for him and for your family. There can be big financial and emotional tolls involved with older child adoption. On the other hand, it's obvious that he is in dire need of a stable, loving home environment.

But I'd really, really encourage you and your husband to educate yourselves about the possible problems, and make an informed decision about your ability to deal with them. It won't help your nephew to go into a new home and then have everything fall apart.

Best wishes with your tough decision.

Have you considered guardianship? A friend of mine took guardianship of her brother's son after his girlfriend's mother died when he was 7(he was being raised by the maternal grandmother). Officially he was in the foster care system but went directly into their care. This provides funding to help you raise your nephew and will even help him immensely come college tuition time (not to mention medical insurance and childcare expense help now). It would also open up resources to get counseling to help him deal with any feelings of abandonment plus general ongoing maturity support. You and your family are tremendously good people!!

Hi S.-
I say Bravo for stepping up. He needs a family who will discipline and take the time and energy to be with him and help direct his supposed ADHD. If he will fit in and everyone is excited about it, then adding one more shouldn't toss the mix too much. I will say to make sure there are no false beliefs as to his energy level and attitude. This is going to be a HUGE change for everyone and his needs may seem gargantuan until he falls into the family cycle and learns the rules etc.
I really hope you have the time to take him on. It sounds like he needs a loving family and you are it.
Good luck!
-E. M