Abortion?

Hi A.,
I can sure relate to this, I found out that I was pregnant with my third child last year after having a still birth child, followed by another child that was very high maintenance during the pregnancy (was on bedrest for 6 months before delivery) and very difficult as a toddler. We were financially broke, I was emotionally broke, and I was on the pill and taking hormone injections to try to stop chronic migraines, it was literally a 1 in 1 million chance that I got pregnant. We were stunned and I was deeply torn in two. Could I risk another medically problematic pregnancy and the chance I could lose another child? How could we possible afford it? How could I live with myself letting go of a child, how could my husband live with me if I kept the baby? Over and over the debate went. I saw it as a no-win situation, either have another baby and all the hassle that goes with that, or say goodbye and have to deal with what could have been for the rest of my life. My husband was supportive for me to choose but it was clear he was not very happy about having another baby, the rest of my family is very conservatively religious and the idea of an abortion to them was totally out of the question. I stopped sleeping, I stopped eating, I was a nervous wreck. And then one day my crazy toddler came to me and said "Mommy's sad. Don't worry, Mommy. It will all be ok." and patted my knee and then tottered off. And I knew it really would be. I chose to continue the pregnancy, and I won't kid you, it was hard. And the adjustment to a new baby was hard, too. But everyday, even the hard days, I look into her blue eyes and I realize I could not have lived with the choice to never know those eyes or see that smile. Or at least have lived happily. Yes, we are broke. And yes, the pregnancy nearly broke me, again. But my husband has stayed by me and we have adjusted and are now thankful we chose to keep her. We may not have anything else to hold on to, but we have each other. The ultimate choice is up to you, but as someone who walked that path and knows that it can feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, I can tell you that for me, the light was dim for awhile but it was there. My toddler was right, don't worry-it will be ok. The weird thing about life is that it keeps on going whether or not you want it to, so no matter what choice you make, you WILL be ok. Close your eyes, breathe deeply, and ask yourself this-if money were no option, if nothing stood in your way including your husband and family, would you really want to have this baby? If the answer is yes, then let your fears of money or adjusting to the new little one fall away, because both things will get easier with time. If the answer is no, then hold your head up and make the choice that is right for you and do not listen to those who question your judgement. Only you know what you are capable of handling, others may judge, but they simply are not in possession of all the facts. My heart is with you, please know that you are not alone. I too have faced this very difficult decision, I chose to keep her, and I haven't regretted it since. Regret is a dangerous thing, if there is a doubt that you will not regret terminating the pregnancy then you are not ready to do so. And if there is no doubt, then please don't feel like you are the worst mother in the world, you are far from it. You are trying to decide what is best for your family, but ultimately you need to choose what is best for YOU. If you are not ok, then the rest of the family will suffer too, so please don't sacrifice what you want for everyone else's sake. Hang in there A., my toddler and I promise it will be ok...

5 moms found this helpful

A.,
In my heart I know that there is a reason for your pregnancy. I feel that sometimes things happen in our lives that help us to become stronger and work through difficult times.

For me, no matter how my husband felt, I couldn't terminate a pregnancy. No matter how deep in debt we were, I just couldn't do it. My concern wouldn't just be about the emotional things I would deal with, but what was done to my body. Something un-natural that may cause problems later on.

I grew up in a very Chatholic family. My parents both have multiple siblings. To me it just seemed natural that I would have lots of children, but when I met my husband he didn't want to have any. He had even gone through a vasectomy years before he met me because of how he felt. After four years of being together; two of those married, the itch for a child overcame me. I began to feel that I needed a child in my life. After talking for what seemed like hours, he agreed to have 1 child. He underwent a reversal and 1 year later we finally conceived. We got grief from friends who are only children as well as other friends and family members for not wanting another. The only one who didn't give us grief was my father-in-law. He was an only child and had a happy childhood being the only one.

For some reason, we both knew deep down inside that having more was right for us. Yes, we too were up to our necks in debt and I was a stay at home mom, but we decided that if we got pregnant it would be okay. Well, God must have been listening because as soon as we decided that and didn't care about protection we went on vacation with our;then 2yr old, and got pregnant.

From that day on we never looked back. We both decided that he was our last and about 3mos after his birth, my husband had his second vasectomy. (We wanted to make sure that he was healthy first. It was a difficult delivery. If something had happened to him, we would try for another. We really didn't want our oldest to be an only child.)

A., abortion is not for everyone and in your heart you already know the answer to your question. Don't try to convince your husband to change his mind and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for your decision whatever it may be. If he is wonderful as you say and loves you with all his heart then he will be okay no matter what your decision. If he's not okay, then he wasn't so wonderful at all.

I wish you well and send you many blessings for your future.

4 moms found this helpful

You are in a terrible place right now. I completely understand your situation. I was there 3 yrs ago. My husband and I had a 10mth old daughter and found out I was pregnant. Financially we were sinking and emotionally, just having 1 child was, was a rollercoaster. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant besides my husband for almost 2mths because I just didn't know if I could keep it. I realized one day that eventhough I'm totally pro choice there was no way I could get an abortion. I love my daughter so much, and we had made it that far, we could figure it out with another. Once the decision was made, my husband and I, took a few months to settle into the idea of another child. This wasn't easy, but is life really easy...heck no! We now have 2 beautiful children and I would never send my son back. Financially, we're still strapped, but making it day by day. With each hurdle in life we have found a way to meet the challenge and keep moving forward. Maybe your husband doesn't enjoy the small baby stage, but there may be a day, when his son is able to play with him and communicate better, that he would regret no keeping the other. I understand this happens a lot.
In any case regardless of your decision you should consider a vesectomy or tubal ligation. This will remedy the issue in the future. Good luck and all my well wishes to you.

4 moms found this helpful

HI A.,
You have received quite a bit of advice about this. I have been in your situation where my husband did not want a child and I did not either. Although we were very young at the time, we were mature enough to realize we needed to grow more as people before we started parenting and raising kids. We now how a wonderful little girl but at the time we made the decision we made we knew it was right for us at the time. My advice to you is to do what you know in your heart is best for you. As a woman we have the right to choose and don't let anyone condemn you for whatever choice you may make. Children deserve loving happy homes. Money may always be tight but kids should never have to grow up feeling like they were abandoned or were a mistake. I personally grew up this way and after much therapy I am finally coming to grips with it. My advice is if you have the child just make sure you will always be able to give that unconditional love and support they need and deserve. I know you will and i wish you luck in your decision. whatever you choose.

3 moms found this helpful

Hi there, I am so sorry to here of your struggles. I am pro-choice BUT could not make that decision for myself. I was 17yrs old, presured by my SO (begging me daily to get an abortion) and told by my mother my life would be misirible if I kept the child. I did it anyway knowing how difficult it would be down the road either way. I can say that even though I was very scared everything has turned out wonderfully. There was some struggles but now my daughter is 10, I have recently graduated college and am now an RN. I got married and own my home. Life is GOOD. I am not religous, but I do pray and I believe my higher power was there for me through all the struggles. The choice to abort is so difficlut and many many of the women in my life that have gone through it regret it deeply. If your husband is truly willing to support you should look deep within. Do what YOU think is best. Good luck.

3 moms found this helpful

Good morning A., It sounds and seems like you are in a tough and challenging position...dealing with a 12 month old, having difficulty with finances and knowing your husband would like you to terminate. Not an easy situation!

In the short term your situation seems multifaceted and very difficult but in the long term (maybe a year or two) can you anticipate being in a better financial situation. If you have a hard working husband can you see him doing what is needed to turn your situation around?

There is another option - you could carry this child to term and let another family adopt. There are so many loving people around who are waiting for the chance to be parents - you can provide them with that opportunity, Some might say that they can't envision having a child and then giving them away but the other alternative seems to be much worse.

Abortion is final. Please take some time to look beyond your current situation and towards a time that may be more prosperous for you and family.

Anyhow...remember there are always options it just depends on your outlook and what you choose to do.

Just an FYI...i am a pro choice Mom of three...an unexpected 3rd that happened in a time of financial challenge...He is a beautiful toddler and couldn't imagine our lives without him...Good luck!
S-

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Your other child is so young, might be part of the reason that you don't want anymore at this time. As time goes on and you miss baby stage you might change your mind. If you decide to get rid of this baby and in a year change your mind...how are you going to feel then? Once I have had a child I could never have an abortion. Plus I lost a baby at 22 weeks.
My friend found out in August that she was pg again. Did not want another. 1 was enough. I told her God would not give her anything she could not handle. She had an awful month of fighting with her man. Was not doing well with being pg at all...and then lost the baby. I guess in the end it was decided for her that she could not hadle it.

You need to look at this as a blessing. Giving your child a sibling is the best thing you can do for your child in my opinion. If you don't want more after this then take precautions to not get pregnant.

I hope you think long and hard about this. Go and get an ultrasound...make sure everything is going fine before you make a decision.

Best of luck,
D.

2 moms found this helpful

first off, let me tell you how refreshing it is to hear such honesty and candidness from you. you are right. there will be people who are upset...but they are not you and they ultimately do not have to live with the decision. no matter what that decision is. so, remember that when anyone on here or your family starts judging you about it.

with that said, let me tell you how i feel about it. ;) i don't believe in coincidence. i think things happen for a reason. maybe you are pregnant because your son isn't meant to be an only child. maybe you and your husband are meant to struggle for awhile before you truly succeed. in my life, i thought i had it all planned out. i had a great son and awesome daughter but they are 7 years apart and we wanted to have one more child that would be close to our daughter. so we took the leap, got pregnant again and guess what...twins. i was totally freaked for two weeks. am i hurting my two children by having these babies? i think we can handle one more financially but two?! that's FOUR kids to put through college. can my husband and i survive the stress twins put on a marriage? i was absolutely devestated and confused by my situation. needless to say, we had the girls and i can't begin to tell you how great my life is. so now i see that my life is exactly how it was suppose to be. i just didn't know it until it happened.

whatever you decide, good luck to you and know there are moms here who are with you whatever you choose.

2 moms found this helpful

I certainly don't have any answer for you but just wanted to suggest that there are probably a lot of people in your communities (neighborhood, work, etc.) who would be more than happy to help you make this pregnancy work if that is what you decide to do. Money is tight for so many people and so many people have a lot of time and love to give. I know if you were in my circle of friends and I knew about your situation I would offer any support I could to help you make it work. That being said, I also wouldn't condem you for making the choice not to. Probably already been said, but you and your husband might want to think about counseling now and regardless of the decision you make, either decision is going to be hard on both of you. My husband and I have been to Samaritan Counceling Services (in Seattle but they have offices here) and really liked them. I believe they also have ways to make it work for you financially.

2 moms found this helpful

A.,
I would recommend that you consider this decision well before making a choice. I too at one time was facing a similar decision and to this day I feel that I made the wrong choice. I chose to have an abortion, because I felt that financially I could not afford another child (no dad involved in my decision- another mistake) To this day I mourn that child. I do not know if you pray or not, but take the time to do so before you make any decisions, because whatever you choose will affect you for the rest of your life.
Good Luck and God Bless!
R.

2 moms found this helpful

My heart goes out to you. I have been in nearly your same situation. We have an older daughter and a son 7 1/2 years younger than her. He was not a surprise, we had given ourselves a year and if we got another child great if not, then one was fine. When he was about a year and half old we got a shock! I was pregnant. I about lost my mind. I am older and I had a difficult pregnancy with my son, very high risk. Physicially I knew my body couldn't take it. Emotionally I was a wreck. Mentally I knew that we couldn't afford it, didn't have room in the house, couldn't afford a new house etc. etc. My husband and I made the very difficult decision to terminate. We didn't tell anyone. No one knew we were pregnant, no one knew we terminated. We didn't tell anyone. Even my very dear friend who is my doctor didn't know. It made it a little easier that we kept it very private. I have difficult moments. The anniversary of the when it happened. When I should have delivered. Sometimes I do get sad. But then I look my kids and know that I made the right choice. I wouldn't have had the energy or the time to spend with each of them that I do now. Financially we wouldn't have been able to do many of the things we are involved in - sports, classes, vacations etc. Our family is complete and whole.

My story is not to sway your decision one way or the other. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Many women have been in your position and have had to try and make a decision. Either choice is a difficult one. You just need to look in your heart of hearts and do what you know will be right for you and your family.

Best wishes to you.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi A.! This is such a difficult matter. But I do believe that we are not given anything we cannot handle. Can you ask yourself if the turmoil that comes with an abortion outweighs the negative feelings and financial stress that may also come with the decision not to terminate? I have not been through this myself, but do know women who have testified to it 10-20 years after having abortions, and they struggle with it daily. It seems to me by reading your post that in your heart you do not want to terminate. If your husband is truly committed to letting it be your decision, then take him at his word! There are all sorts of ways you can get help from the state with health care and formula etc. Just try to take one day at a time. Once this baby is born, I think your husband will be on board. This is why God gives us 9 months to prepare! You are going to have to trust that God is in control of all this, even if you feel out of control. You could give your son the greatest gift he will ever get....a sibling. Make sure you keep talking this through with your husband, and do not alienate him in this decision. Read through these reponses with him. The closer you both are during all this the easier it will get. And remember you have hormones going crazy right now. There are pregnancy counseling centers available for this exact decision...they can help you. Here are a couple ones in Portland I found:
1626 NE 9th Ave. ###-###-#### www.prc.org
5117 SE Powell Blvd. #3 ###-###-#### www.prc.org
If you want to chat more, feel free to message me anytime!

2 moms found this helpful

First off huge hugs to you. You are in a difficult spot and I am so sorry you are going through this. And there are NO wrong decisions in regards to abortion, adoption or having the child. Its a huge decision and one I am sure you never thought you would have to make. If you have time to give your self take a week and think about it. You have to do what is best for you and what decision you can live with. Either way its something you will always remember. If abortion is your decision then go through with it and remember you did what is best for you and make peace with it. Do you have a support system of friends or family that can be there for you for what ever you choose? I wish you the best. Remember to love your self is what ever road you choose. I wish all the best.

2 moms found this helpful

I understand your fear and the feelings of panic you are having - I think those are normal feelings in a difficult situation. I have felt that before when I became pregnant unexpectedly. I am grateful that I never had an abortion. I beg you not to do it - I don't know of one person who has had an abortion that doesn't live with deep pain and regret and I've talked with many. Finances change over time and your feelings of fear will probably change also - feelings and finances are temporary but abortion can't be undone. There is a way, there are a lot of people/resources out there who would be willing to help you through this. Try looking past the finances and other challenges and try to see what the good things will be if the baby is born and ask yourself if you're willing to give that up. I've found in life that the easy path isn't usually the best path. Feel free to email me if you need to talk! D.
oh, and I'd like to add the the pregnancy resource center might be helpful - they provide maternity clothes and baby items and they can give you information about options like adoption.
ok one more add on - my husband is a new financial counselor and he's been meeting with people for free to get some experience under his belt, but he is excellent at it and I know he would be willing to meet with you and help you both to get a plan to make your budget work! This would help you both feel more hopeful about your situation and more positive about the baby ... your hubby would probably change his mind if he felt more secure about finances. pls feel free to call ###-###-#### or email me so we can help!

2 moms found this helpful

Honey, you are in a position that no one wants to be in. I will not lecture or condem you, I will say that you need to think about the situation without emotion. You need to remove yourself from the situation, and ask yourself if you are prepared to raise 2 kids on your own. Just by reading your request I am inclined to think that this child could have some serious reprocusions on your marriage. Children are a blessing and a joy, and a new baby I am sure would bring great things to you, howeverI think that it could also bring about some serious resentment and do some real damage to your marrage. mayber even end it. He does not want kids, and you are not finacliay able to realy bring home another kid... If I were in your shoes, I would end it.

2 moms found this helpful

A.... i'm probably repeating what has already been said but i felt compelled to drop you a line. find a 3rd party you can talk to... planned parenthood might be a good resource or place to start. ultimately you (and your husband) have to make this decision... no one else in your family needs to know. make sure you have some counseling to get your through whatever that decision is. everything must feel really overwhelming and coupled with pregnancy hormones doesn't help. so find someone who can help you talk things through and come to your own decision without guilting or condemning so that you can move forward with whatever you decide...

2 moms found this helpful

I had an abortion when I was 22 and have regretted it ever since - especially now that I have children of my own. I often wonder who that child would have been. If you honestly cannot afford another child, then do the most loving thing you could ever do for your child and that is let a loving family adopt him/her. I do not know you, your husband or your situation but I feel if you are at conflicted about the abortion, you will regret it and you will eventually blame your husband for it as well as yourself. Just my two cents.

2 moms found this helpful

I had an abortion many years ago in my first marriage. It haunts me to this day. My advise - find another way, any way possible to give this child a chance at life.

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I am soooooo sorry-- my husband really wanted the same thing with my second pregnancy. I shoved all the responsibilty of finding a clinic off on him and he never followed through. He spent the entire pregnancy mad. When it came time to have my boy it was stressful!!! I love my boy with all my heart (he is now 3 years old), but his pregancy was heartbreaking. I think you are in for a heartbreak either way and I send you my biggest hug!!

As a side note I believe when God gives a task he also provides the tools necessary to complete it.

2 moms found this helpful

An abortion for the reasons you stated, would be the utmost of selfish acts. To terminate the living life that you have been blessed with simply because you didn't want to have another child is not a valid reason in any sense of the imagination. If you terminate this child God will surely punish you. If you carry this child to term and grow to love it and care for it, God will surely bless you and your family. The choice is always yours, no matter what society says. Legalities really never figure in this decision. Often times we are faced with change in our lives. Sometimes it is something we really feel we don't want, and it generally shows us that the change was the best for us anyway. Since you state your husband will support you in your decision, and you know you won't be able to ever forgive yourself if you terminate, then that should spell it out for you. Listen to your heart not your head or you surroundings or other people or finances or the economy or ??

2 moms found this helpful

I concieved a child through a forced encounter 7 years ago. Everyone told me that in those circumstance abortion is ok, that I would be forgiven. The only problem being that I knew I couldn't forgive myself if I had an abortion.

I made the decision to carry the baby to term and gave her up for adoption to a wonderful couple. I decided early on who her adoptive parents would be and in my mind she was theirs from the beginning. When it was time to give her to them, it hurt but I knew I was giving her and them a chance at a life that they wouldn't have had otherwise.

We have an open adoption and I get pictures and get to see her when possible (they live in Wyoming). Giving her away hurt but I knew where she was and that she was being well cared for. If I had chosen abortion, I know it would have hurt so much more because I would have always wondered.

I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you that there are more choices than abortion. There are so many people out there who can't have children and would make wonderful parents. A gift of a child is priceless.

2 moms found this helpful

Oh my gosh.....I completely understand how you feel to a point. Since I am a man I cannot understand the pregnancy part! Ok, I too was not wanting a second child and yep we got pregnant. Our finances were and are very tight and there were all these reason why we shouldn't have this child. But then I began to think about a sibling for my daughter and about when I am old and dying will she have another family member to be with through rough times and will she get to experience the wonderful times growing up with a brother or sister. I came to realize that having another baby was a blessing. I now look at my 6 yr old and four yr old playing side by side, I get to see the genuine affection they have for each other. I get to have two little girls love and affection and I get the be the champion of two lives, a coach for two wonderful lives and the mentor of two beautiful little girls. These two little girls have a bond that no one can break and I really feel like I have a complete family. Yes it was and is tough but I have found that most of the things I cherish most are the things I had to work hard to obtain. You do not right now see this as a blessing but you slowly will. Many times my wife and I say out loud "Wow, and to beleive we thought about not having this little girl". Every day I am thankful for my family and the bond my wife and I share because we chose the hard road and we see just how blessed we are. Money will always come and go and you will always find a way to make ends meet. Have this child, give your son a lifetime partner with whom he can explore the wonders of growing,learning and loving. If ultimatley you choose not have another child at the very least give this preciuos life to another family that will want such a blessing. You will not have regrets giving life, you will always have regrets taking it away. Soon your son will become more self sufficient and things will get easier. I can only tell you I am so very happy and I have absolutely no regrets.

S.

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Although I never considered abortion my last child was a huge surprise and I felt so afraid and stressed out...I already had two little boys and my third child would be less than 2 years younger than my last. We were already struggling financially and my husband was NOT happy. Now that I have her(it was a girl) I feel so blessed and humbled to be her mother....it is definetly tough at times, even overwhelming but I cant imagine life without her, she is a pure delight. I know she was "meant to be" and I believe all baby's are. Please reconsider the abortion, once you lay eyes on your little one you will never be the same. My husband feels guilty for all the negative things he said and felt about this pregnancy, but now our little girl will definetly be a "spoiled daddy's girl" Every human life is so precious. It will all work out. God bless you, you'll be in my prayers.

1 mom found this helpful

Hello A.,
So much wise advise has already been given to you that I feel I would be very redundant. But, I feel compelled to put the thought into your mind about how many women are desparate to have a child and cannot. My own best friend is the mother of one and has been trying for 3 years to have another, and has now started looking at adoption as her next step. I wouldn't worry so much about how others will judge you in your final decision, but how will you ultimately judge yourself, both now and in the future. And whatever you decide, you and your husband need to support each other. May the good Lord wrap his arms around you as you make your decision.

1 mom found this helpful

I would suggest that you go and talk with a pregnancy counselor. You have many different options, and only you (and your husband) can come up with what is best for you and your family. Consider adoption. I know many families who are hoping to adopt a child, including ours. Also, consider that your financial situation will most likely improve in the future. Make sure that your reasons for aborting will not change in the future. It seems as if that is the reason that many people who terminate come to regret their decision.
Good luck to you. You have a hard decision to make. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
R.

1 mom found this helpful

I am so sorry you are in this situation. The great thing about this website is that you have a lot of support. Whether you decide on adoption or abortion or even keeping the baby you must get support from your husband on all three not just one. It is this support that will get you both through a difficult situation. Though, I would lean toward adoption, you will need your husband's support more than ever for that. I know that adoptive parents can usually be there for you financially in all aspects of this pregnancy, but I know you must make that commitment to them at that time. I have also heard great success with the open adoption rules. I also think this is only a decision you can make. Maybe looking into all of your options will help you make a decision. Get out three notebooks and gather all information on all three decisions. There is a Pregnancy Resource place in Gresham, I think that can help you get information on these decisions. Maybe you could start there. Good luck girl and get back to us if you need more support.

1 mom found this helpful

Dear A.-
I see that you have already had many responses and much support from the other mamas out there. I just wanted to assure you that regardless of your decision, you will be okay. I believe that "we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us." There isn't anything that we are given that we cannot handle - even though it seems impossible. Take one day at a time, one hour at a time...

I am an international adoptee and a first time expectant mother due in November. Being an adoptee, I often think about what difficulty my birth mother had to experience as she carried me through to a full term baby. I was not born here in the US, so there were additional cultural issues surrounding my birth mother being unwed and carrying a baby. But, I thank her so much for making the decision to carry me to term. I have had a fabulous life thus far and am so blessed to have two mothers who love me.

With all that being said, my passion in life has been for adoption. I have worked in domestic and international adoption for different agencies over the past years. Although it seems difficult now, please think about adoption. There are so many resources out there who can work for either a closed or an open adoption. You can be connected with a family in Oregon or you can place your baby out of state. You can use a private agency to place your baby or you can utilize Oregon DHS. Which ever one you choose (if adoption is an option for you), the adoptive parents are chosen by YOU and your husband and they will cover the pregnancy related costs as well as the adoption costs. Look in the phone book or google adoption and there will be tons of phone numbers and websites to check out.

Good luck to you - and remember, everything happens for a reason and you can get through whatever decision is made.

M.

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WOW! Sounds like you are really struggling right now. I can only imaginge your position and do not envy it at all.
It sounds like to me that you really need to ask your self, "do I want another child." 3 years from now when your son is out of diapers and is no longer a baby is a longing for another child going to visit you? Does the potential regret of an abortion outway the further financial burden of bringing a child into your family? Do you belive that the universe will provide you with all that you need?
I suggest that for 3 days you and your husband live wholeheartedly in the mindset that you will abort your pregnancy. THen for 3 days live with the mindset that you are indeed going to go through with this pregnancy, and then make your desicion.

Best of luck to you.

K

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I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time right now. I just wanted you to know that I am about your age and got pregnant when my son was just a year and a couple of months. We now have a beautiful baby girl and I cannot imagine my life without her. Sure, there are days when I feel overwhelmed and even cry, but to hear my little girl's giggle or to see that huge grin on her face makes me realize I wouldn't change a single thing. My son adores her too. Watching the two of them interact together brings me such joy and I know they will continue to grow closer. I know there are other mom's, including myself that would be there to support you. Please do not take the life of the little one growing inside you. Know that I'm praying for you and your family!

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A., I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. I'm truly sorry for your pain. I've never been in this situation, but I've thought about it. First, it looks like you have a supportive husband, and that is great. I truly believe that, were I faced with an unwanted pregnancy, I would be able to give up my baby for adoption. But I understand that adoption is not the best course for all. I would never tell you what you should or can do with your body and with your life. I truly believe that is for every woman to decide for herself. You have a little boy who will be affected by what you decide to do. I think you owe him the best life that you can give him. The most difficult part is going to be living with whatever decision you make. Please make every effort to accept that you are the only one who can make that decision. Others can advise you, support you, or make you feel guilty. You need to be strong - for yourself and for your family. Most important, don't ever forget that there are so many other women in your position. You are not alone. I would say to be careful about where you turn. There are some organizations that, in the guise of offering support - do all they can to manipulate young women like you into making decisions based on bad information. In a nutshell, I say to make your decision and then find a good councelor to help you deal with it. You need to be around people who support you, not judge you. Please take care, A.. You do have people on your side. Good luck!

PS: I have lots of inside knowledge of bankruptcy law and lawyers, as well as the Legal Aid services in the area. I'd be more than happy to give you some direction if you like.

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A.-
First of all I want you to know that I'll be praying for you and your family. I'm sorry this has been so stressful for you and I'm sure you are feeling overwhelmed right now, but on behalf of that sweet little life inside you, I pray that you choose to continue carrying this precious baby. I know being a parent isn't always easy, but the joy that comes with it is indescribable. I'm confident that deciding to keep this little miracle will be a decision you will never regret.

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Wow, I can see what a rock and a hard place you are in. My heart goes out to you. Like you, I am absolutely pro-choice, but I don't know if I could ever go through with an abortion.

What you need is to do some research and to do some serious soul-searching.
1. Financials: Remember that though more children cost more, you will also most-likely qualify for more financial help. When I got accidentally pregnant with my first child I would have said we could never afford a child. Once she arrived it was amazing how we were able to get by.
2. Support: If you have the baby will your husband get on board? Or will he always be resentful? Will you be resentful? Imagine your life 5 years from now in both scenarios and see which one feels more right to you. Imagine your feelings either way.
3. Call a pregnancy crisis center and find out what kind of financial/emotional support you might have.
4. Call Planned Parenthood and find out what an abortion involves and what kind of support there is for women who have had abortions.
5. Consider the 3rd option of having the baby, but giving him or her up for adoption. That would be heart-wrenching as well and you would still have all the stress of being pregnant, but it is an option.
Best of luck to you. Think it out, talk it out and you'll make the right decision for you.

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hi A.,
i'm so sorry that you're faced with this dilemma. I would never presume to advise you on such a personal decision, but if you're worried about what others may think or that others may judge you, please consider not telling anyone else that you are pregnant unless you decide to continue with the pregnancy.
if you do decide to have an abortion, the less people you have to "justify" your decision to, the easier it may be on you and your husband.
it's a private matter, you're already facing a tough choice, you don't need the judgement weighing on your heart also.
best wishes and blessings on your family.

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A. –

I understand where you are coming from. This choice is scary and unfair on so many levels. There is no right or wrong. Whatever you decide will be for the benefit of your family. Abortion is a big issue for everyone (I’ve had many an unfortunate conversations with many people that I didn’t want to be dragged into). But what it comes down to is knowing all the facts that go along with abortion and also the facts of your life and your family’s.

I myself am pro-choice and I have had to in the past abort two unborn fetus’s. It was not an easy decision, but I did review all the facts and decided that it was the best choice for their future life and my husband’s and mine. This is a hard subject to deal with – I would get all the facts from someone who isn’t swayed one way or the other and take a few hours by yourself to clear your head and focus on what is truly important to you and your family.

Whatever choice you make will be the right one because it is for the benefit of your family’s well being.

Take care,

~S.

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I just read your update... it brings tears to my eyes. What a wonderful decision... you will make it through! Congrats to all of you. T.

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A., I'm a grandma and also grew up in a fundamentalist church. Someone very dear to me had this decision to make. She was a single mother with 2 kids already. As I told her, only you can make this decision. I can add, however, that as a grandma who had very strong feelings against abortion as a young adult that I now have equally strong feelings that this choice is very personal and also very difficult.

Does your family have to know? If you decide in favor of an abortion and they know this may be a breaking point but it also may be a growth experience for everyone involved.

I am proud that this friend/mother did have an abortion. It was both a difficult decision and the right decision from both of our viewpoints. She was already overwhelmed, having difficulty nurturing her 2 children and working full time with a limited income.

I have another friend whose niece faced this decision while in college. She was single and chose not to marry the father. She carried the baby full term and opted for an open adoption. This has worked out well for her and her family. They're part of that baby and his adopted family's extended family. The two families get together often.

I saw a program on TV in which the husband and wife agreed that now wasn't the time for another baby. They already had a toddler girl. They also were having financial difficulties and were comtemplating separation. They opted for adoption. The husband moved across the country without his family. The mother said that she did not allow herself to get attached as if she were a surrogate mother. She did grieve when the adoptive mother and father picked up the baby. At the same time she said she felt that she had done the right thing. She and her husband did get back together and were doing Ok at the time the program was filmed.

I adopted my daughter after she came to live with me, at the age of 6, as a foster daughter. Her brother was 4 or so years old when he was adopted by a different family. His adoptive parents had earlier adopted a younger child when he was a baby. The baby's adoption was open meaning that they sent pictures and a letter once a year. The birth mother lived in a different state and was supportive of the adoption from the beginning. She did not know where the adoptive parents lived. The adoptive parents and the birth mother communicated thru the adoption agency.

I have a close friend who is now in her 70's. She was raised Catholic, was single, and had an abortion in her 30's. She never told her family. She mourned that baby well into her 40's when I adopted my daughter. My daughter's adoption caused her to deal with her abortion by going to a therapist. She bought a doll for her unborn baby and had a ceremony with her therapist which helped her considerably in accepting the abortion. I don't think she's had any emotional difficulty since a while after that. Her husband died last year and, as far as I know, even this has not brought up those old guilty and mourning feelings for the unborn baby.

I haven't known anyone who was in quite the same position as you are are in. Although I'm far from being a fundalmentalist (I don't even go to church) I have conversations with a greater spirit named God in my childhood. So I call this spirt God. Some of my friends have different names for this spirit. We all believe that there is a greater power and that this spirit will help us make good decisions. I believe that there is no right decision. I also strongly believe that there is a spirit greater than I am. Through our willingness to be open we can access the answers within ourselves.

I have made decisons with which I didn't feel comfortable but I felt that they were right later on. I've also made decisions that felt right at the time but later knew that I wished I had made a different decision. However, no matter the dicision I have learned and grown. When I look back I feel that tho the decision was difficult and the results painful I have become a more complex and understanding person. At this age I've come to the conclusion that there are no right or wrong decisions. How we react to them makes them useful and not useful. I view all experiences as a way of learning. Sometimes I learn the most from the painful ones.

I was interested in psychology and phlosophy in college. I was feeling full of guilt for many years. "We are sinners" seemed to be emphasized by my parents and in our church. Once I started therapy I began this path of looking at life as a learning experience. I'm not sure there is an after life that is the same as our life here on earth. What I learn in this life will be helpful in my next life whether it be in "Heaven" or some other "place." I don't know if there's a "Hell." I do believe that I am a spirit and that when I die I'll be reunited with The Spirit that is larger than mine.

Although the decision is yours it will affect your husband and the relationship you have as time goes on. We can't know with certainty what the effect will be. We can have an idea or feeling about his reaction based on your life together so far. He may become bitter and withdraw from you no matter what your decision is. Or he may not. You may have a time of distance but reunited emotionally later.

Are you both reasonably emotionally healthy and committed to each other and the marriage so that you can continue to discuss and accept each others feelings after the decision is made?
Has your past experience been that when you make a decison with which he isn't in full agreement that he continues to support you? or does he "hold grudges" or show his lack of support in passive ways? How he's reacted in the past gives you a clue, but not necessarily an answer in this situation which is more serious.

If you have time, I suggest that the two of you find some counseling so that the two of you can reach an agreement together. If you don't have time for counseling, prevent future relationship and personal difficulties by having counseling after.

This an aside and I don't know if it's relevant but I've seen that frequently one person feels more attached to a baby at the beginning of a pregnancy than the other one does. I don't know what that means in your situation. It's just an idea that popped into my head.

An idea of where to go for help is Planned Parenthood. They have a reputation as being more supportive of abortion than continuing a pregnancy. That reputation does them a diservice. They help people decide what is best for them.

I wish you well! "Gods" spirit is with you if you want Him to be there.

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Hi A.,

Do you have a pastor or religious advisor you can speak with in regards to this matter? I think before you do anything, you need to work through your feelings and do some counseling with your spouse.

If you get to a decision that you simply cannot keep the child, have you considered adoption? There are many wonderful people out there who are desperate for a child. If you find a reputable agency, they could match you up with a couple and they would pay for the medical care and expenses, so it wouldn't cost you anything to carry the child to term.

But, that is something I imagine you would need to decide soon so you and your husband can start thinking of the baby as someone else's and not bond with it the same way you would if you were carrying your "own child."

I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be very stressful and difficult for you to deal with the possibility of abortion when you are pro-choice.

My prayers are with you and your family as you work through this!

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Would you consider adoption? You could bless another family beyond measure if you are open to choosing this option. Some of your expenses could be covered during your pregnancy which could help financially. You could work with an agency or find a family privately. I was adopted at birth and have since adopted two little boys. We all love the birthmom who gave us life, but was unable to parent for whatever reason. Feel free to contact me if you would like more information. My thoughts and prayers are with you while making this difficult decision. D.

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Have you ever thought about adoption?? Coming from someone who has been trying unsuccessfully for many years, this would give someone else the opportunity to have a child they want and are ready for. Check with the hospital and on-line to research your options in your area. Please know that any decision you make will be with you for the rest of your life. Best wishes to you and your family.

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I don't know if I will be too much of a help but I was wondering if.. you have consider give the baby on adoption? There is no need to tell you how many people will like to get pregnant and simply can;t.
Can your family help you? maybe if they know that you are considering abortion they will be able to find a way.
Personally, I don't think I could live with myself, and that will affect my family and my self.
I really hope you find the courage and wisdom that you need in this difficult time for you.

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What a blessing. Another one of God's angels. Will you be able to live with the torment your mind will go through if you terminate this pregnancy. Years from now wondering if you would have had a little boy with your husbands beautiful eyes or a precious girl with your smile. It's not easy. I don't know why I feel so emotional about you're situation, perhaps it's because my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for some time now with no success. I'll pray for you. I'll pray for Gods will.

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I am very sorry that you find yourself faced with this struggle.
There are many reasons that have nothing to do with Christianity and mortal sin that may compel you to consider your position on abortion. There are the emotional factors for you, which you have discussed already, and believe me, they are very real, not to mention the huge risk you take physically with your body when you surgically interfere with an already intact pregnancy. They are not safe in the slightest and are undeniably inhumane to the baby that you are carrying. If you, or anyone else reading this do not believe me, please, I beg you, do some research about the process of ALL the different methods of abortion. Your doctor is not likely to completely forthright with you about the whole process. Again, I am not speaking from a judgmental extremist standpoint, I am truly concerned, and I do know firsthand what this could do to you physically and emotionally. May I suggest you and your husband consider adoption if your situation is truly that dire? I can't imagine that he would encourage you to make such an extreme choice if he knew (and you knew) the genuine risk bodily and emotionally to you. I was recently honored to witness the birth of a baby that was placed for adoption with a family that could not have children of their own. I don't believe anyone could have loved that baby more. I also recently watched a woman give birth to a baby that died of a tragic birth defect, and how devastated she and her entire family were. Your child could have an amazing life here if you give it that chance. It's nine months of discomfort, but peace of mind and body for you for the rest of your life, and your child's. Please, please, do not write me off as some pro-life fanatic. I have my experience and research based in science and reality to mold my reasoning for the way I feel. Please, research as much as you can before you decide.
Best wishes,
S.

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Hi A.,
I'm sorry about your difficult decision, it is a real struggle. The other responses seem to have covered things well. I would just encourage you to go to a clinic and talk to a counselor, they are well equipped to help you work through your decision.
I would say that I've heard of lots of fathers who would haver preferred not to have a child, who absolutely fall in love with their child once born. You're really dealing with a lot of overwhelming pressure with a 1 year old and bankruptcy, and I'm sure it is hard to imagine what will be the best decision. But people do pull things together, and manage, then thrive. I hope you have some support.
best wishes,
Colleen

I hear your anguish - so does God. He has blessed you with a gift and I think you will live in remorse and guilt if you abort this baby. If it is meant to be God will see you through it all. Second babies are a wonderful blessing. Sometimes you don't think you could love another one like you do the first, but one look, one time of holding them in your arms and you know that is not true. Look at the possibilities instead of the negatives.

A.!

I just read your updated post and I send you congratulations for the new baby you'll soon have!

Keep reminding yourself that you are not the first woman to find herself unexpectedly pregnant; you have a lot of "sisters" out there - throughout time - who have walked the path you are walking.

A college friend of mine got pregnant at age 19, her bf left her, her family disowned her - she had nothing. She worked with Planned Parenthood, signed up for every service she could find and somehow managed to clothe and feed her little boy.

I remember visiting her on campus (she had to quit school, but she had no where else to go, so she stayed in a small apartment on campus). She got free formula from one organization, free health care for the baby from another organization, food stamps...she got a bunch of cloth diapers from some charity and she would wash them everynight in her bathtub, because she didn't have the money to take them to a laundromat 2 or 3 times a week.

Her tiny apartment was full of borrowed, run-down stuff; she had no crib - she slept in a pull-out sofa, since her apartment only had a living room/bedroom, a bathroom and a kitchen area. She made a bed for him out of blankets and stuff on the floor next to her bed.

She got a bus pass and took that little boy everywhere by bus. She also spent a lot of time in parks and the children's library. When he was about 10 months, her family came around and she was able to move in with her parents.

Today, her son is 12 years old and she's remarried. They have a house, two cars, her son takes karate lessons...you get the picture. It was a really tough beginning - her family's rejection being the greatest hurt. But she did it and today they are both thriving.

You guys can do this. Financial situations can and do change. Don't be afraid to ask for help and to sign up for whatever services you need to. Someday, you'll be the one turning around to extend a hand to a woman in a similar situation.

Blessings to you all. M.

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this place. I know how hard it must be for you! All I can say, is that, ultimately you will make the right and most thoughtful decision for your family. It truly is up to you. God loves you no matter what. Is it necessary that you tell your family? Is it possible for you to see your gynecologist or go to a clinic and talk to a counselor? This is an extraordinarily hard decision. I had an abortion when I was 21. Crappy job, unstable relationship..... I do still think of that child. He(for whatever reason, I identify it as a boy) would be 12 this year. On the flip side I now have 2 lovely children, am married and basically, financially stable. All of this is part of that decision I made years ago. Ultimately, you must make the decision that you can live with.
My best to you!

I don't envy you and know it's much easier said than done but I am also going to ask if adoption could be an option?? Good luck to you!

Please email me off-line at ____@____.com if you are still struggling with this decision.

Thank God! I started reading your posting and wondered if I had read it to late. We were in a similar situation as you and had our second daughter. Now I can not imagine my life with out her! She brings so much joy to me it makes me want to cry just thinking about life with out her. Thank God for this gift of a second daughter. She is now the comedian of the family. She actually makes the bad times better because she makes us all laugh so much. Truly a blessing in disguise. So congrats on your second child and pat yourself on the back for making the right decision. Hang in there and enjoy your children because THEY love YOU!

Please go to Planned Parenthood. They will give some excellent counseling about the choices available. And maybe you can find an unbiased pastor to talk to.

A.,

This decision is completely up to you and your husband, so please try to listen within and not to those who have preconceived opinions of abortion (in favor or against). I have a friend who was an OB/GYN at Planned Parenthood for many years. They have a tremendous staff that is prepared to help you through this decision. They are an organization who is there for women just like you and help people through choices to keep the baby or have an abortion. It is not an organization like some that will try to sway you one way or the other. This is such a tough decision for you but please take comfort in the fact that if you choose what is best for you, your huband, and child then you've made the right choice.

Best wishes,
C.

Hi A.,

I'm just curious. Have you considered adoption? This shock for you may come as an unexpected blessing and is the ultimate sacrifice for you and the ultimate gift for another. You might find that this gives you peace.

Best of luck to you in your decision. I know you have difficult decisions to make.

Best wishes,
T.

Hi A.,

First off I want you to know that I am very much for pro-choice but as I sit here thinking of how many woman out there that want children and can't go through a pregnancy and would LOVE to adopt your child and also help you out financially.. I was adopted and am so thankful that my mother decided to keep me.. I know it would be a hard situation with your family and they may put up quite a fight to keep the child and it may be a hard thing for you to give away your child but please consider it but if you choose to abort the pregnancy there is no need to tell anyone besides your husband, it's not anyone elses buisness!

God Bless you in your decision..

I was in a similar situation. i had older children and had a surprise pregnancy. I did not want another child. there was a 10 year age difference between the youngest two. I was miserable my whole pregnancy we were in a financial hardship and just did not want another child. We went through with the pregnancy and now have a beautiful 3 year old child. I would not trade her for the world. If you really do not want the child there are plenty of couples that would love to have a child. Also I had a medical abortion years ago and I still remember it to this day and the age the child would be. I look back and wish I did not make that decision although I know that I will be reunited with that child in heaven and that Jesus forgives me and is taking care of that child. Good Luck with your decision. I will be praying for yu and your family!