A Nana That Is Frastrated

This is standard to the point of being nearly universal for 12 year olds.

Have a time for homework. He will do homework for this entire period, every day, until his grades improve. If he "doesn't have any homework", assign him some.

He is not allowed to do any computer, TV, telephone, or going anywhere with friends until his homework is completed.

When his grades improve, give him another chance to be honest and responsible about his homework. If he is ever caught lying about his homework again, he immediately reverts to the old rules for a month.

Good luck!

As hard as it is, this woman is only dating your son and she is the primary caregiver. She must be the one to make the rules. You could decide how you'd like things to change and the two of you sit down and talk aobut it, together you'd decide how his time is to be spent while at your home. Then she tells him it's her decision.

If she says it's homework time then you can say "Your mom said no TV or anything, only studying time, it doesn't matter that you don't have homework assigned, I have a list of extra work from your teachers that you can do for extra credit". She must be the one to limit his rewards or activities at home. You should just be having him do what she allows.

If you take over she'll never learn parenting skills and will continue as it has been, he'll flunk out of high school and the little darling will be spoiled and useless to the world.

Has he been tested for dyslexia? Most dyslexics are very smart Henry Winkler has a Master degree from Yale and is dyslexic as is Jay Leno--Whoopie Goldberg--Tom Cruise.
Leonardo Di Vinci and Albert Einstein were both dyslexic.

So am I and 2 of my 4 kids.

Dyslexia causes you to process information differently. Because many dyslexic have difficulty reading they are often seen as stupid or lazy. I recommend getting him tested for learning disabilities. I also recommend getting a complete eye exam and hearing exam. If he doesn't have a learning disability he may really have trouble seeing and or hearing.

I would find out what the homework assignment was directly from the teachers if possible. My son was like this - he has Aspergers, but I would take him to the public library and put him in one of the study rooms or a cublicle with just a desk and his books and assignments. He would have to be quiet and there are no distractions.Eventually, he would ask to go there sometimes for the peaceful atmosphere.

First, I'm confused about the relationships. You're the nanny to your grandson and your son is dating your grandson's mom? It's possible that your grandson is as confused as I am about who is responsible for him.

Has he been tested for learning disabilities? If not I'd talk with his teacher about that possibility. However, it has to be the Mom who does this.

Gamma G. is right. The Mom has to make the rules and tell her son what they are and how they'll be enforced. It would be good if the Mom would discuss this with you and it sounds like maybe she does so that you're on the same page. Going to school with her son is not the best of ideas. That embarrasses him and may be a reason he's withdrawn from your direction. Mom should talk with the teacher, either by making an appointment or calling on the phone outside school hours.

I agree with Karen Crisalli W. suggestions of how to handle the homework situation.

My daughter and her husband are having similar difficulties with their 11 yo daughter. She's always not been willing to sit down and do homework. She was eventually diagnosed with ADHD and has an IEP (Individual Education Plan) that has helped a lot.

They also have set a certain time for her to sit down and do her homework or read. The teachers have all said that if the child doesn't have homework, which is possible, then they need to spend time reading. In the 6th grade that's 30 minutes. My granddaughter didn't like to read but now frequently spends extra time reading once her homework is done.

It's good that the Mom is working with the teacher. My daughter communicates with her daughter's teacher thru e-mail. It's easier to keep up that way. One year, the teacher sent home a paper with the homework listed and my granddaughter had to bring the paper back to the teacher with her Mom's signature. That was the beginning of getting the homework done.

My son struggled with this last year. I have to help micro manage his work right now to keep him on top of it. When he gets his work done he is an A student. If we don't stay on top of it, he barely passes. I am working to make him responsible for checking on some of this himself.

Does the school post grades on line? If so check them daily
Does the school post assignments on line? If so check them daily
Consequences for 0's. If the work is missed or not turned in, my son gets TV and computer taken away.

Talk to his teachers and counselor to see what tools are available to you, most likely there is something. Last year, I got a voice recorder for my son to record his assignments in each day. They are supposed to write them in his planner - but he did much better using the voice recorder. I did get this ok'd with the school and teachers first.

I think you should give him chores. Easy things that he can do independently or fun things you can do with him. Such as empty dishwasher, vacuum living room, make cookies or dinner. That way you have something YOU assign him and can follow up with and can give consequences - such as no dinner or play until dishwasher emptied. This will begin to teach him responsibility in a very controlled situation. Don't fight about it, just lay out the consequences and stick to it - calmly. With the homework, you have very little control in the situation along with little control with everything else in his life. Once he starts to learn a little responsibility, his self worth will grow and he will want to do well at other things. Remember to praise, praise, praise him. He probably doesn't have anyone telling him what a great kid he is. And at 12, even if he doesn't act like it, he needs to know he has value.

He is repelling while at the same time craving to be loved, disciplined and cared for.
Mom needs to dote a little on him too, as there may be some jealousy not to be mentioned, but still going on. Mom may even resent men and he is feeling it. Whatever it is this child needs to be accepted for who he is, not what you want him to be. Right now he may not care about anything, including school---so give him something to care about.................

Find something to meet on common ground with----does he like animals, cars, sports, etc. Recognize that just now he is a boy stuck in a female world and may be in need of good MALE role model---possibly an after school soccer coach, YMCA, Rec center, Big Brothers---etc.

I wouldn't approach him about this, Instead I would find him a decent Male role model---to look up too, talk too about boy stuff,---boy stuff.

Updated

Also remember that to this child (I do not know how long mom and your son have been dating) may not see you as family yet.
Also MOM needs to realize that just because he is now 12 does not mean that he is grown up, he needs her just as much as the baby does, and if he has been neglected due to moms doting on the baby----his current actions are the result of such. ( EX. "she doesn't care so why should I")

He is reacting to his situation which sounds a bit confusing for a 12 year old. Focus on the positive on the good he does rather than always focus on his negatives!