9 Year Old Girl with Major Attitude and Listening

Welcome to the age of argumentation! You truly do have a lot on your plate-both of you parents!

Your daughter is at an age where she's trying to assert her own personality, but is unsure about how to do it. So she grabs anything she sees from adults around her, movies, TV, or even friends' parents.

While she may seem to think she can do what she does, you parents KNOW otherwise. (When I say "you," it means both parents)

Here are some key points that might need looking into, and a couple suggestions. But one thing-Simply, DO NOT ARGUE.

1. Raising her voice at you: If she was raised in an environment of respect (she respects elders and peers), with the appropriate things like "Yes ma'am," or "no sir," her "please"s, "thank you"s, and so forth, it may be a bit easier. If not, the challenge will be greater, but not impossible.
Suggestions: a) We set rules in our home-NO ONE is to yell, unless someone is bleeding to death, having a heart attack, or the house is on fire.
b) When she raises her voice, stop everything. Look at her and ask her in a calm voice "Who are you speaking with, please?" Do NOT raise your voice, and act calmly as you can. IF she challenges you, then tell her quietly that "I don't respond to that tone, nor should I have to from you. I will be willing to listen when you try a little respect."

2. Take the hostility out of the situation. She pushes buttons to get a rise out of you. Attention is attention-even negative attention is attention. It's a trap.
Suggestions: a) Ask her what is fueling her anger at that moment. Let HER talk more than you. She may actually talk about somethin gthat may help you get to the bottom of what may exactly be bothering her.

b) Even if it bothers you, DON'T let it show. If you have to be quiet, be quiet. Silence is at times, a more effective tool, and can have some pretty impressionable effects.

3. Rules of engagement: It seems that in her attempt to assert herself, she wants to be treated like an adult. Tell her that if she wants to be treated like an adult, she needs to conduct herself in a manner worthy of respect as an adult., She's old enough to understand that. While she may still be jumbling the concepts in her head, you have put her on notice that even in the adult world, everyone treates each other with a level of respect-regardless of personal feelings.

Being tired or hungry, confused or frustrated is NEVER an excuse to be rude or obnoxious to figures of authority.

4. Constantly remind her that you BOTH love her, regardless of the circumstances (stepdad going away, etc). There are realities in our respective lives, and as intelligent beings, we adapt-not crumble, fall apart, grow hostile.

5. Husband and wife MUST BE COORDINATED at all times. If one disagrees with the other, DO NOT DISCUSS IT in front of the children. This only shows a weak point in discipline enforcement, and children WILL exploit it as often as they can.

6. Play tag-team with your husband. You get the verbals from her, he becomes the one who sits and talks with her. It's a delicate dance, but I found it effective when we here at home take two separate approaches. We can't both be diffusers ord rulemakers, if you know what I mean. One will need to be the reconcilliatory key.

As far as real dad goes, since he's chosen to sit the dance out, he's out of anything that deals with discipline. YOU and your husband lay the rules of engagement down. YOU two choose, because the ex has taken himself out. While it sounds cold, the reality is, he is not there, and is apparently not dependable. Build a NEW structure that will embrace your family with those who are present and accounted for. When he decides to pop in, well, factor him in, but anything structural for the children should be premised on what is dependable-and that means you, stepdad, and siblings.

I hope this gives you ideas. Every child, even within a family, is different. I've found these tips fairly neutral... Best wishes, and don't forget to pamper yourself occasionally amidst your heavy schedule!

You can never underestimate the impact of being abandoned by your father. Even if she is still seing him sometimes, if he is not vitally involved in her life, she feels abandoned. Unfortunately for you, she may not admit to these feelings for years. It took me until my late 20s to really own my disappointment with my father. Family counseling might not be a bad idea. It is hard to help kids through these major transitions and sometimes parents need a little help. If nothing else you can get a new perspective and some tools for dealing with the attitude. If she is showing interested in spending time with her stepdad even thought he doesn't feel close to her I would say she really is feeling her fathers loss and it is really him (her father) she is mad at. However, she probably feels afraid to really express her anger to her father because he might abandon her further. I am not sure of your situation and can only speak from my own experience. It would be best to deal with this before she starts dating and looking to replace her father in that way. She could get really hurt.

I hope your 9 yr old daughter doesn't hear her stepdad say "if she would do the things she was told and not have an attitude then things would be ok" like you said in your post. That sounds pretty conditional... and kids need to know that they are loved no matter what they do. Maybe he could try giving her that attention that she is saying she is wanting FIRST, and then her behavior will change for the better. She is about the age where she is learning about herself, and learning that she might have different opinions/likes/dislikes than her parents, so its natural to be arguementive. But she should never feel like her stepdad's love/attention is based on her behaving a certain way, especially since her real dad isn't in the picture. Take the hint that she gave the school coundilor... If she said she wants stepdad's attention, than there is a good chance that is a big part of her attitude. Maybe he could spend an hour or two on a Saturday just spending time with her alone. Nothing fancy, just a walk around the neighborhood, park, mall, etc... to give them some bonding time. Good luck. =)

Pardon me for saying so, but your current husband needs a wake-up call. He not only married you and had a child of his own, but he gained two more. He is as responsible for your daughter's behavior now as you are. As far as your daughter goes, she is at a very critical age and it sounds like she's been through a lot. My daughter is also nine and she has quite the attitude. In fact, she has had this attitude since she was born, although it has increased recently. She has hit puberty, my friend, and this attitude will not get better any time soon. In fact, it will become more unpredictable as the years go by. Have a talk with her about her feelings and see if she is yelling at you because she is just angry and needs to lash out. Find a happy medium for both of you; instead of getting into a yelling match, agree that you will both go to a neutral spot like your own rooms until you both have cooled off. Then, come out and calmly discuss the reason for the argument. Explain to your daughter that everyone has chores AND MAKE SURE THEY DO! Even your small ones can help out. Make a chart of rooms that need to be cleaned and make sure your husband helps out, too. Your daughter, of course, should be responsible for her own room, but you could agree to help her do some "spring cleaning" if it's too much for her to handle at this point. Then, agree that your 5-year-old has a certain part of the living room or whatever and have the 2-year-old help pick up the toys at the end of playtime. You'd be surprised how much younger kids want to help clean up! Make sure your daughter knows that everyone has to pitch in because you are a family and don't let your husband off the hook just because he has an outside job; you have a job as a daycare provider and cannot always keep up with the regular chores after taking care of other people's kids.

Keep your chin up and talk to your family. Institute family meetings and make sure you all have a chance to go out sometimes, even if it's just to the park. Each of you take one day a week or month, whatever works best for you, and spend it with one of the kids while the other parent watches the other two. Go to the mall (your daughter would love some mommy time), see a movie, go shopping, go fishing, swimming, hiking, whatever it is you and your kids enjoy, even if it is just staying home and playing a game. Your daughter needs you right now. Be there for her. :)

I would highly recommend that you read this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Five-Love-Languages-Children/dp/188...

The Five Love Languages of Children

and this one

http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Discipline-Revised-Ed-D-Ne...

Positive Discipline

You can get the cheaply used off ebay or amazon.com or you may be able to get them from your closest library.

The basic idea is that kids who feel good, act good and kids who feel bad act bad. Traditional punishment as discipline doesn't work well for every kid and I think kids in blended families need even more reassurance that they are loved and a wanted part of the family.

Good luck to you and our family,
T.

My name is T. I have an 11 year old and a 4 year old we are in the same boat as you. I couldn't have said it any better. Where do you live? Maybe we can chat sometime? I live in Sherwood. If you would like to call and chat sometime let me know. Here is my e-mail address off of here.
____@____.com Hope to hear from you soon.

T.

A.
I have to say that it sounds like your daughter needs some attention. If her father doesn't have much to do with her that may be a big part of her problem.She wants to feel part of your new family and maybe she just needs to have a special day out with you and your hubby. This will make her feel special and let her know that you both care. You also need to be thinking that in a few more years it will get worse and she will need you and your say so much in the next few years. If i was you I would start to work on your relationship soon before she is a teenager and you have no part of her life.
Good Luck
A.

For a minute there i thought i sent this email, I have a 9yr old daughter and two boys ages 2&5. I have the exact same problem with my daughter she is all mouth...the only thing I ask of her is to keep her room clean, she cant even do that, no let me rephrase that, she wont keep it clean. . I just went through a messy divorce with their Father, so I know alot of what she does is just to get attention. I found that the more girl time we have,the more we talk, and the more egar she is to help out. Although she is only 9, dont forget she is a woman, and sometimes two women in the same household do butt heads. First and foremost be the Mom, but also at times give in a little, and just be a friend and listen, it amazes me what goes on in my daughters head. Good Luck, J.