hi, im about at my wit's end with this one. my husband has an almost 11 yr old son from his first marriage, and he is currently driving all of his parents up a wall. we also have a 1 yr old daughter together. first it just started out with giving dirty looks, then the mouth, now it has progressed that he has temper tantrums, and crying fits if he doesnt get his way. his chores in the house are doing the dishes (which we have a dishwasher), the other night, he just started crying because he didnt feel like doing them, so he packed a few of his things, put on his shoes and waited by the front door. and called his mom all sobbing saying that he wants to go home. he has the same chores and rules at his mother's house, and ours. (so there is no confusion) let's just say his mother, her husband and his 5 yr old brother came out to pick him up at 9 at night. from what his mom and step-dad tell me, he enjoys doing chores over there and he doesnt give them any grief. whenever he comes over, all me and my husband do is argue and fight. now whenever my step-son doesnt get his way over at one house, he wants to come over to the other, and vice versa. we have sat him down countless of times and had plenty of talks with him. we even had a sit down meeting with his mom and step-dad about his whole entire situation. from what the step-son said is that he thinks that im trying to take away his daddy, and he is jealous over the baby. but when they go out, whether to the movies or shopping, i always stay behind at home, and say go spend time with your boy. even when we are at home, same thing. and from what i heard at this meeting, that he actually shoved our 1 yr old daughter. (his mom told me he did the same thing to his brother with the shoving and hitting) frankly, i dont want him in the same room with my little girl, for fear that he may hurt her. she is only 1 yr old for pete's sake.
weve done the grounding thing, like from the tv. but ive caught him watching it at 3 in the morning already. so the last time he was grounded from it i enabled the parental controls and the vchip block on the tv. we didnt see him for 3 weeks because he couldnt watch his cartoon shows. he thought that we were being mean, and he said that he hates us and wants to divorce his dad. i know its just the age thing, but do 11 yr olds really act like this?
i just dont know what to do. if someone has some advice or knows someone who has been thru this, please email me. i can't take it anymore. my sanity and marriage are really on the line, i dont want to get divorced, or end up in an asylum.
Sorry you are having so much issues with all of this. Try out a book called 123 majic..it is exactly that..majic..but you have to stick with it and thats not always easy at times but so worth it!! Also it is very possible that the one person he is looking for attention from is you beleive it or not.. I wish you all the luck and hang in there!
Although I think there are many things you can do to help the situation, the single biggest thing you and your husband must establish with your step-son's mother and step-father is that your rules are your rules and you are NOT going to allow you son to play you like pawns and call the other one every time he doesn't get his way. He isn't following your rules because he doesn't have to. All he has to do is make one phone call. This is only teaching him to use you guys against each other and that he doesn't have to responsible for himself at all. There will come a day when the table is turned and he's calling you guys to come get him from his mom's house. And really, this is not different than a kid in a nuclear family who pits mom against dad- this kid just happens to be able to pit more of you aginst the others.
It sounds like you guys all have a reasonable relationship so hopefully a meeting of just the parents is possible. You ALL must establish this before your step-son gets any older or, I assure you, it WILL get worse. You have to tell him that rules may be a little different at one house than the other but he has to respect the rules of the house he is in and no one is going to come to his 'rescue' because he doesn't like the rules or punishment at one house. This means getting step-mom to agree to still bring him over even if he knows he's being restricted from something at your house. Quite frankly, it would be best if you could agree that his punishments follow him (this is hard, I know) but if he's grounded off of TV for a week for something he did at your house, he should be grounded for an entire week off of TV no matter what house he's at. BUT, that also means the same thing for you guys- you may have to enforce a restriction or punishment at your house for something he did at home. This is vital if you ask me because now you don't have to ask the question of who punishes him for something he did at school or elsewhere.
Sure, it's not fair that he has to go between two families/ houses/ rules but that's his lot in life and none of you can give in to him because you feel sorry for him. Feeling sorry for him is not going to help him or help your families.
On a secondary note, my husband and I have a 12-year old (who also makes me crazy) and have worked with the middle-school students at our church for many years. This is not uncommon so don't feel alone! Kids this age are testing you and testing themselves. They are caught between between a little kid and an adult and it's tough. But what kids need most at this age from their parents, is a parent- not a friend. They may not "like" you for a while but they NEED you and it's always been my experience that in the long run, they will indeed see that you are looking out for their best interest and not just trying to make them happy so they don't bother you.
I wish you the best of luck!
Here's my take.... His mother and father are the ones that can and should be seeking and receiving support for their son. As his step mother, you are in a difficult situation but I strongly recommend you get them on board and recommend he and they get some counseling support because he probably has his own struggles internally with the divorce and blended family. Beyond that, you need your own support through this.... Email me directly if you would like specific suggestions. This is my area of professional specialty. good luck! - L.
I can relate! Step-parenting is such a challenge. I also have a ten year-old stepson, and it can be very hard, especially when he is hurtful to my girls. There's a great parenting course called Love and Logic (look online for materials and local classes) that advises two things that speak to your situation. One is that children need to have consequences -that are enforcible and enforced - for breaking the rules. So your stepson needs to have a consequence that impacts him every time he mouths off to you, pushes the baby, or does anything else disrespectful, disobedient, or against the rules. Anger and scolding (not that you are) aren't necessary and work against you. Let the consequences do the teaching. The advice they give about chores is that its worth the effort to find ways to make it fun. The more fun you make it for them, the less trouble you will have with getting them to fulfill their responsibilities long-term. Try things like a diswasher-emptying race. Set the timer and see how fast he can do it, and then challenge him to beat his time the next time. I know my stepson responds so much better to me when I am working to make things fun for him instead of being critical and punitive. It inspires me when I think of him as a young version of my husband, and helps me be empathetic. Be sure to catch him being good and praise him when he is.
As to stepparenting, your husband needs to be on your side and back you up. You need to be a unified team, and your stepson needs to see that. Also, I would DEFINITELY speak to his mom and stepdad about enabling him to avoid chores and punishments at your house by picking him up or not bringing him. He needs to have a regular schedule with both of you that is kept regardless of circumstances. Good luck and God bless!
C. at Loving Hands Family Child Care
Hows your situation going? If you need more advice let me know.
L.
atlantafamilycoaching.com
Try not to think of only yourself. I don't mean this to sound ugly but try to look at how life looks through your step-sons eyes. Here you are in with your happy little family. That is what this boy wants. Your girl has her mom and dad living with him. How can he not be jealous of you and your little girl. Also remember he is 11 and not an adult. It is our jobs as parents to teach our children right from wrong. Look at it like you were teaching him how to do long division. If he did something wrong you would show him how to do it right and guide him through it. Look at discipline the same way. Try to stay calm and remember that he is learning and you are teaching. As far as chores I would make a list of chores and let him choose which chores he wants to do for a week. The next week let him choose again. Give him some control back in his life. And don't forget positive reinforcement. It sounds like he is craving attention. Children will seek any kind of attention. With difficult children you may have to look hard to find something to give rewards but they need it often. Even little things like if he takes his shoes off when coming inside. At first you may have to do it all the time but he will learn that positive reinforcement is a lot nicer than negative. The reinforcement can be a simple good job or thanks. One more thing, give him some responsibilites with your daughter. You could have him read her a book or help you feed her or fix her bottle. It will create a closeness in them. She is his half sister and not just your daughter. I'm sorry if this came across harsh but I feel for children like this who are obviously crying out for help. Counceling might be good too.
First of all, I applaude how all of his parents are having meetings and trying to work a solution out for him as well as keeping his environment stable and consistant.
HOWEVER; why in the heavens would any parent go out of their way at 9 pm to pick a child up from his parent's home because he wasn't getting his way?? Y'all need to quit enabling him by allowing him to yoyo back in forth from one house to the other????
It's excellent that both sets of parents have the same rules for him, you need to add a new one---we will not accomodate you when you dont want to follow the rules by picking you up and bringing you here! BOTH sets of parents need to be strict about this. We will no longer find this acceptable behavior will help you set the standard.
Have you tried spending alone time with just him? Let your husband keep the baby while you take "Jr." off to do some special things together and rebuild your bond. Kids do get jealous when there is a new baby in the picture---and he has a 5 yr old brother now too. Is it possible that he feels invisible because of the younger siblings needs coming before his? He after all, is more able to take care of himself.
It sounds like he's using, "I hate you, I want my mommy!!" as a way out of doing chores or being held to his responsibilites. By both sets of parents saying this is NOT happening anymore takes away his ability to PUNISH either parent by not choosing to see him/her for 3 weeks. You're allowing him to manipulate all of his parents! By allowing this "one phone call" manipulation going, you're going to end up with him phoning you to pick him up from the police station when he's a bit older. MAKE HIM ACCEPT HIS RESPONSIBILITES!
Each household needs to continue sticking with the same rules. If he wants to cry, scream and throw a temper tantrum you do the same as if he were 3 and ignore him! He wants attention...negative or posititive he doesn't care as long as it gets him out of his chores! If he escalates to throwing things etc, put him in his room. If he distroys all of his things, until his behavior changes for a marked period of time, do NOT replace what he has broken in an anger fit!
Temper tantrums are a cry out for attention. POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT is possibly lacking here.You said you're a proud parent of a 1 yr old daughter...you're also the step-mom of an 11 yr old boy who is starting puberty! He needs to know YOU love him too! Telling him "Good Job" and "Way to go" are really things he needs to hear from you. Praise his good behavior and give him hugs and kisses---show him what positive attention is!! When we do nothing but give attention to what wasn't done right, the feeling that we can only do wrong comes into play.
For example; if you were working a job and your boss overlooked everything you did well and only called you on what wasn't done properly it wouldn't take long to feel as if you couldn't do anything right! It's the same with children and especially in the roles of step parent to step child. It appears that he's seeking YOUR approval and YOUR love by striking out at you.
Your rewards don't have to be something you've gone out and bought him, actually; I never approved of that raising my boys. Doing something special together, even putting together a puzzle or playing a game with him is better because you're interacting on a positive level with him. It's showing him that you care and that you want to be with him. This may make a world of difference in your relationship.
I'd have to say your next step is to take him to a counselor---and let the counselor know ahead of time that he has been manipulative and demanding. Give the counselor the whole picture---which may take all of his parents being at a few sessions with him. The fact he has pushed his much younger siblings says he has anger he needs to learn how to deal with...doing that NOW as opposed to after he's hurt someone is too late. You really don't want him to hurt anybody----not himself, a sibling or a child at school.
Raising kids isn't easy! I know it took lots of love, patience and holding my breath and counting to 10 several times as they were both growing up. (I have 2 now grown sons which I raised alone most of their childhoods.) There were even times where I sent ALL of us to our rooms to cool off and that actually worked very well. By the time we all came out, we had cooled off and were ready to confront the situation with level heads.
STOP ALLOWING HIM TO MANIPULATE YOU,Teach hom ways to manage his anger--- get him in counseling---check with your health insurance company or his doctor to find a good one---do NOT ask the professionals at school! (Whole new can of worms!) Give him tons of positive attention, giving attention to what he has done right and done well go so far. He has to feel that he has your love and affection too.
Let him know the revolving door on both of his homes has been replaced with a real door, there will not be any more rotations outside of the normal schedule. Review all of the house rules at your next family meeting and re-establish boundries. Go over actions and consequences with him. Set him straight on who his parents are and who the child is! Help him learn healthy ways to deal with his anger and emotions. Positive reinforcement for all the things he has done well will certainly make him feel better about who he is and will make the world of difference in your relationship together---which will affect the entire family.
I'm NOT trying to "point the finger of blame" at you here. Parenting is hard! Knowing when and what to do is sometimes a huge challenge!
Loving the step child the same ways you love your daughter will help him see and feel that you accept him like he was yours too.
DO NOT FIGHT with your husband in front of "JR" when he has you upset! Re-establish what Jr is supposed to be doing, then you and your husband need to find an out of the way quiet place to TALK. If Jr sees that he can put distance between you, he'll use it like he uses I wanna go home!
I'm going to keep your family in my prayers! I remarried and felt pretty bad for the things my sons put my husband through. He had a very laid back personality and not much of what they did upset him. But WE stuck to the rules and he gave them "Ed time" away from the rest of us. We soon learned that all they wanted was a place in HIS life and in HIS heart.
I would speak with the boy's teacher. Educators may be able to shed some insight into the matter. Ask to speak with the school counselor as well. If those don't work, it may be time for a professional therapist. He sounds like a boy who is crying out for help. It sounds like you are listening. Sometimes parents need a "translator" and a good family counselor or therapist can help.
Good luck!
S.
Lots of older siblings behave this way with a 1 year old in the house. They regress, and act out to get more attention because of all of the attention paid to the baby. I can only imagine it must be harder for a step-child.
One thing I'd strongly suggest is not letting him escape to the other house when the going gets tough. He needs to learn to deal. You're going to have to work this out in advance with his other household. It's dterimental to your relationship with him to just let him go, and it's not teaching him good coping skills.
I hope this helps.
S.
He may not act like every 11 year old out there, but he is acting this way for a reason. I think that as long as both sets of parents stay firm and consistent he will get tired and return to some level of being normal. The most important thing is to show and tell him he is loved. One on one with Dad is a good idea and maybe a fresh explanation of marriage, divorce, step-parents, and the honor of being a big brother would also help.
I would suggest getting him some counseling. Being a step-child and being a step-parent are often a very difficult thing to do. An outsider such as a GOOD counselor can equal out the playing field and provide insight to what is really hurting him. If the behavior continues, he will struggle with relationships all his life. Talk with your husband and his mother and step-father and see what type of counseling you can get for him. It might just save him from a lot of heartache and make your marriage stronger.
K.
www.balterbaby.com
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E.,
Don't give up!!!! I have been there. I am 29 years old with a 9 year old son & 3 step children. My oldest step-son is 7 years older than my son & we went throught the same things when he was that age....My son was 4 at the time & the SS would push him & hit him & he even said one time that He wishe something would happen to my son, so he didn't have to deal with him anymore.....One major issue is PUBERTY!!!!
The other thing is don't seperate yourself from your husband & SS. When they go on outings make sure you go with him. You have to show him that you are not trying to takes his dad away but that you want to share him. Show him that you are not going anywhere & his attitude & tantrums only make it harder on him....
That is the way that I handled the situation & now my SS actually lives with me & his dad....
Best of luck to you!!!!
Hi my name is H. and I have 3 step kids the one thing that I can tell you is that I went tought the same thing it will get a little bit better. I would take my step kids with me when I would do thing with my kids and they started to come around that I was not the bad person in this.
First of all, you mentioned that you are the proud mom of a beautiful daughter, congratulations! Are you also the proud stepmom? Haven't you realized that he is your BONUS child?
If you find yourself discussing your stepson to someone else while in his presence, it needs to definitely stop. He will feed off of that and act out. How about balancing choretime with some rewards. Why not work on changing your schedule around to spend more one-on-one time with him. Maybe he enjoys a movie, visit an arcade or something. Why not ask him. It can be quite a challenge juggling a 1 and 11 yr. old, however, I think you are so frustrated at this point that anytime an issue surfaces you immediately see red! You may not admit it, but your exasperation more than likely shows in your voice and mannerism. Again, a child or any person can feed off that kind of negative energy. I strongly suggest that you work on yourself first. Try changing your attitude and be more loving and positive in your approach. When was the last time you hugged him and gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder? Also, he's an 11 yrs old boy and who knows, he may be experiencing some slight hormone changes as well. I have two boys myself, and believe me they can be some of the BIGGEST babies! How about encouraging him to participate in some type of athletic activities? He's a bright child who has the potential to be an upstanding man one day, so, pull up your sleeves and put your hair in a ponytail and know that HE NEEDS YOU TOO!
Be Well,
S.
