Hi, I'm wondering if anyone out there can help give me some advice. I have an 8 year-old son who plays too rough. He doesn't mean to, but often other children will get hurt (accidentally) because he's "tagged" them too hard in a game of tag or bumped into them too hard in a game of soccer. He's a tall, child with incredible strength, so I'm sure that's adding to it, but I honestly feel he's not doing this on purpose. He's always apologetic when it happens and feels very badly, but it continues to happen. He loves sports, is a great athlete, and otherwise he's a gentle caring soul who loves to read and be creative. And he has a great heart. His pre-school teacher once mentioned that he's a "bull in a china shop". We've tried to explain to him that he's got to make the right choice when it comes to a situation where someone might get hurt, and we give him time-outs when it happens, but it's almost as if his competetive drive wins over making the right choice sometimes. Any ideas? Many thanks.
Since you mentioned his preschool teacher it sounds like this has been going on since a young age. It may be that he doesn't percieve touch as you or I would. Does he have a higher tolerance to touch. He may be a high proprioceptive seeker. If so a talk probably isn't going to do it. A slap to us may feel like a tap to him. Look up sensory integration and you should be able to find some info.
Two things......first and foremost, NO video games where violence of ANY kind is involved. I've read studies where kids who watch "too many"....don't know what the standard is, but evidently, the more they watch, the "bullier" they are.
Secondly, work WITH HIM on tasks that require LOTS of gentle detail....i.e. if you're going to make scrambled eggs, give him a bowl and let him GENTLY break the egg. Like adults, it will take practice, but he NEEDS to understand that certain things require a bit more of a gentle spirit. Give him chores around the house that require detail, attention and being somewhat careful....like dusting somewhere that requires a bit of attention to being careful, but obviously, not near some family heirloom that you wouldn't want to lose.
He may have a good heart and be loving and caring, but bottom line is.....he MUST learn to know WHEN it is appropriate to "throw his weight around" and when it's not and how much he needs to put into it.
And one more thing.......have you had the "anger talk"? Sounds like there may be some hidden anger there somewhere that hasn't been addressed and he's taking it out on others and at school.
I have a nephew with the same problem. WE started giving him a time out when this happened.Your son is old enough for consequences! Seriouly before someone gets hurt real bad. The next time he does it punish him otherwise it will not effect him. good luck!
Honestly at 8 years old, you should be able to sit him down and tell him the exact thing you just descirbed. You know he isn't doing it on purpose, but he is being way to rough and is going to hurt someone. He has to slow down, think, and then act. I'm sure he is learning some impulse control from his teacher. Enlist their help..they are great for advice devoid of parental influence. Ask the teacher how they address the roughness or for suggestions. Rewards are fine I think but he again is old enough to self control.
Oh, that poor boy.....he's just doing what boys his age, do. I have had this kind of talk with my oldest, also. I tell him that he is a very strong boy, and that eventually, that will be great when he wants to play sports...baseball, football, etc. He's probably the strongest kid in his class! However, when playing with others, like his siblings or kids at school.......he needs to be more gentle. When he is allowed to vent that strength and aggression into an outside source that is more his "league", it's not so bad, in fact, the coaches will think he's a super-athlete! Let him know that he is very talented and y'all need to find the right place for his special abilities. He can be boosted as far as his confidence, but explain that his special "talents" are best left to the football field or the sports venue. He can't play like a linebacker with just everyone.
I hope this helps, and good luck!!
I would have to agree with Jenny C. I would put him in football and martial arts. You might even put him in something that doesn't involve contact. This will help him learn restraint. Gymnastics is a very good sport that requires a lot of physical strength. I would also work on his creative side.
Hi, I have the exact same problem with my 8 year old. I noticed this was posted in 2008...I would love to know if things ever got any better.
S T,
My only advice for you is to choose wisely the physical activities your son participates in. Does he play football where the opportunity to harm other children exists at a higher level? Soccer seems more of a contact sport to me as well.
Perhaps you might see if he'd be interested in a form of martial arts. I know that sounds like exactly the thing he DOESN'T need. But it's not all about karate chops to the solar plexus. It's more about balance and self control and being in charge of your movements.
Just a thought.
Good luck with your gentle giant. =)
