5 Year Old Son Whiny and Disrespectful!!

On a practical level, when my son hits these phases (where his behavior just seems to deteriorate and he's constantly whining and cranky and sassy), I first look to his "needs"--my son acts very poorly when he's hungry or tired. Has he been staying up with older sibs? Playing hard and skipping a nap? Getting up earlier? Is he growing, and needs a snack before supper? A bigger breakfast? If none of these are the issues (it truly is amazing how much better my 4 1/2 yo acts AFTER a late supper than before), then I decide to work on ONE issue and leave the others by the wayside, temporarily. For example, right now, my son says "poopy butt". It drives me CRAZY. I hate it. But I hate even more that he pushes his little brother out of the way when he's anywhere near his toys. So...I punish and talk to him about his brother; I simply frown and ignore him when he says poopy butt. Once we're on a slightly more even keel with his brother, we'll start on language. But--I realized that I definitely get farther with praise, and limiting the amount of yelling I do gets me farther--he feels better about himself and his relationship with me and is much, much more willing to work with me. Good luck! Those phases are frustraating...

Keep at it mamma! Even if you do have to scold him make sure you constantly tell him how much you love him.

D.,

I don't think this has anything to do with a lack of attention. Did he just start Kindergarten? My first child did this, and my second to some extent. There was a noticable difference in the attitude right after starting Kindergarten.

I think part of it was trying to redefine loyalties between teacher and mom. Another part is seeing the example of the other kids in the class. (I heard my daughter come home with a new, rude phrase that was out of character for her to say. Then when I went to volunteer the next day, I heard a couple of other kids say it and knew where it came from.)

When advice is given to "pick your battles" it means to hold your tongue when your child wants to wear clothes that don't match or his best effort to comb his hair isn't how you want it. It doesn't mean tolerate disrespectful behavior - because it will just get worse in the coming years.

I would set him down once (not over and over or he will tune you out) and explain that it is inappropriate and hurts your feelings. Then I would lay out the consequences. They need to be unpleasant enough to strongly encourage a change in behavior and immediately carried out. And they must be carried out with consistency. If you are setting a 5 year old in time out multiple times every day, it clearly isn't enough.

When you start to see an improvement, make sure and comment on it. (This doesn't require a reward. Treating your mother with respect is a resonable expectation, not an accomplishment.)

Good luck,
S.

My son is now 7 and is the youngest of 3, but he went through this about 2 years ago. What I figured out was that a)he wasn't getting enough sleep and b)he was talking to us the way the older kids were talking to him. There's about 6 1/2 years difference between our twin girls and our son, so it was difficult to put him to bed at 8 when they didn't go to bed until 9:30. I figured it didn't matter because he wasn't going to kindegarten yet and still napped. Then one day he was playing in his room after supper and got very, very quiet. When I went to check on him he was sleeping. The next day he was back to his old self! Ever since then, we stick to 8 for bedtime, 8:30 on weekends. It has made such a difference with the whine, and the fit throwing. It's cut down on the yelling I have to do also. As far as what he's saying to you, we just tell our son that there is a certain way brothers and sisters can talk to each other but another way to talk to the mom and dad. We nipped that in the bud pretty quickly, but every once in a while he'll still try it out. The extra sleep really seamed to calm down his mouth too. Good luck in finding what works for you!
B. M.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! My son turned 6 last month and is doing the exact same things, in addition to suddenly being EXTRA afraid of new situations. It's been a huge problem.
The first thing we did is make his bed time earlier to make sure he gets enough sleep. He still seems tired a lot, but is bursting with energy.
We're considering putting him in karate to get the wiggles out and help him learn self-discipline, respect, and how to follow directions from an outside source. Of course, we're trying to teach him that at home, but I think most kids tune out what parents have to say. =)
The thing that I have heard from his teacher and other parents is to have set rules and consequence(one we have been working one is If you are going to whine/cry/scream at me, you WILL to go to your room until you can talk nicely), give him responsibility (chores), and BE CONSISTENT.
I also have an almost-2-year-old and another baby on the way so I am having trouble with the last part, but we're trying and things are slowly getting better. I think he is just testing boundaries and needs to know where they are. He's a good kid and I can still see glimpses of the sweet, funny little boy, but he is growing up! Once they're in school, they have so many outside influences- all the more reason to have a stable, loving, rule-abiding, consistent home.
Good luck! You WILL get through this! And so will I...I hope. =)

He probably is ready for some mind stimulation. My kids always acted up more when they were ready for school and bored at home. I use to buy some work books for them to do at home and have some time each day working in them. A little structured activities might get him back to the sweet huggable little boy you miss.

It sounds to me like maybe he is getting too much attention! You don't mention in your email, but I wonder if he has activities outside the house. Preschool or swim lessons etc...he might be getting bored at home with mom all the time. I have noticed that younger ones grow up a bit faster and want to participate more in activities. With older siblings they are more aware of the outside world.

Another thought is that it sounds like he is getting a lot of attention for his negative behavior - it's hard, but if you can stop interacting with him when he behaves this way he may start to change. I used to tell my kids..."I'll be happy to talk with you when you can be polite (or a big girl, or kind...) and then I did not interact until they changed the way they approach me.

Good luck! I'm sure it is hard to let the last one grow up, but remember that what we are supposed to do!

My first thought is that maybe he is picking up on bad habbits of his older siblings. The second thought is, has he been around any different kids lately? He could be either getting a hard time from them for being a momma's boy or picking up their bad habbits. I would maybe talk to the doctor about it. If he is crying a lot it sounds as though there maybe something emotional going on that he doesn't want to share with you or your husband. Just some ideas. I hope you are able to get it figured out soon!

Five is very much an age where they are testing their independence, especially if he is the youngest of 5 and home with you all day. I don't think he'd doing it consciously, but he doesn't know how to properly detach and still stay attached. Try talking to him when he is being good. Give him choices. This isn't going to stop right away. In fact, it may just get worse initially. But if you can set the groundwork when he is being good, then when the behavior happens, you can look at it more objectively and try to see when it is happening most
My youngest did this to me at 4. Mom is safe to push away and be "mean" to. I would point out to him what he was saying to me, and ask him how he would feel if I said those things to him, but I did it when we weren't in the moment initially so that when it happened, I could diffuse it with, "This is what I am talking about."
Good Luck!

You've gotten a lot of good responds to this "problem". I also have a 5 year old and i've struggled some of the same issues. Right now my (new) husband and I are taking a parenting class thru our church and it's really been helping. One big thing is that you need to discuss your issues with the way he's treating you and being disrespectful when it isn't happening. Don't expect him to understand during the heat of the moment 'cause chances are, he's tuning you out. I would also suggest having a "date night" with him and also having him have one with your husband for some one on one time doing something fun out side of the house, be creative and let him help decide... during this time though do NOT discuss his bad behavior and if during this "date" he becomes rude, disrespectful, or mean tell him his actions have now lost his privilage for the rest of that activity and leave. He needs to know that you are serious and that the follow thru happens.
When my daughter is disrespectful I tell her that I can't hear her when she speaks to me like that and when she finds a way to communicate w/o whinning and being disrespectful I will gladly listen... then WALK AWAY.
I hope you find something that works though, I KNOW how draining this can be on you because I deal with it also. BUt stay strong and continue to love him unconditionally. I would also check his bedtime routine and how much sleep he's getting. When my girl is tired she get WAY worse.

GOOD LUCK!

My husband and I have a very large family. We have 6 biological children and then have had many foster children. Our last bio. children are 6 year old boys now. We do understand that children go through phases in their lives but one thing that is not ever allowed is disrespect. If any of our children disrespected us they would go to the corner or time out. This is not an option. I do not scream yell etc but I am very consistent with this discipline. Now, I think that it is ok for you to give your child one warning to stop but if he does not then off to the corner or where ever you feel is the place to go too. When he is done with the time out he is done. He for some reason thinks it is ok to do this to you, because other wise he wouldn't do it. Our policy is "Obey right away" I am very, very, close to our children but I also want them to be respectful to me. Actually to tell you the truth my older children have said that they respect me more because they knew that we took the time to parent them and have learned so much from our example that they are now doing the same with their children.
I can say that the last 2 children (Twins) I have loosen up on them but I never have loosen up on them being disrespectful to me or others. I hope this helps and doesn't come off as being rude, please don't take it that way. Good Luck and if you keep working at it you will get him back to being that sweet little boy again. Promise. This also goes for the whinness too, he doesn't want to start school like this, you will get all kinds of calls from the teacher. Let me know if you need a sounding board. And does he seem bored not that the others are at school? Have you tried reward type of system???

D. - this will probably sound like strange advice, but I would look at his diet. Monitor his intake of artificial colors and processed foods. Try switching to more whole foods and see if that makes a difference in his behavior.

Good luck,

D.