5 Year Old Attitude!

It seems to be a trend that we are or have gone through. I found with my daughter the best thing was to start using an incentive chart on a daily basis (a pain, I know but it works) and I spend an extra 15 min. with her by herself every day. It is not that much time but it can be difficult to get it in. If I do miss the extra time, she reverts back to the attitude. I know it is hard to not argue and get sucked into her attitude but try not to, it just escalates the behavior. Good luck and I hope this was helpful.

I have a soon to be 13 year old girl, a soon to be 15 year old girl and a girl that just turned 6. Through trial and error I have found that the more I praise the good things they do and ignore the bad the better their behavior gets. Most kids will do things for attention, even if it's negative attention. Make sure you give her some "atta girl's" several times through the day. Thank her for choosing to be a "big helper" or whatever you use. See how it works. Tends to make mommy feel better too!

S.,
Here is my truth about your situation in a nutshell.
1. "My biggest problems is my consistancy so I may be partly to blame". Take total responsibility for it! As long as you are not willing to be consistant, how can anyone follow your leadership.
2. Are you really listening to your daughter or are you so sure that your way is the only way to do things?
3. How much do you trust that what you have already taught her works? Do you trust that she is a good kid? Do you trust that you have been a good parents? How do your really feel about your relationship with her?
4. What is your communication like with her? Are you communicating in a way that uplifts and supports her gifts or is your underlying message that degrades and put-down.
Are you communicating to your daughter all her strengths and possibilities?
5. How honest are you about where this relationship is at?

Welcome to WHOLE family 101. You just got a $400 course for free. Take the time to truly answer the questions and more questions that are created from them. You may be surprised by what you discover.

With my whole heart, C.
When I am With Heart Open to Love Everyone I can love 100%

S., I understand what you are going through. My daughter has been like this off and on for the last 5 or 6 years (she's now 10). The first thing I have to do is check my own communication. Sometimes as adults we don't realize how sarcastic or sassy we are being with each other (husband or friends) or even to our kids. But when it comes from my daughter it sounds worse. So I have to make sure that I model the right way all the time.
The next thing I do is look at what she's watching. Her 'tude is the worst when she's been watching all those 'tween shows (Hannah Montana and such) where the kids/teens act like that. Also movies. She loved Parent Trap (the newer one with Lindsay Lohan, not the good old Haley Mills one) and some other movies like that where, again, the kids all talked and acted that way. I think she started believing that's how most kids act. I had to pull back on what she could watch (still have to watch it) and tell her that, no matter what she sees on tv, it's not ok to talk like that to mom, dad, brothers, friends, etc.
I also had to give myself a big huge dose of patience. I know what you mean about the conscious decision to have a good day and feel like its spoiled by her. Just remember you, not she, are in control of your behaviors. When she gets talking back or too much attitude, give both of you a time out. Just say "we don't talk like that" and put her in her room. Then you go to someplace else and calm yourself down.

I hate to have to say it but this is mostly a girl thing (never really had the problem with my boys, both younger than my daughter) and that it doesn't go away altogether. I'm not sure why it ends up this way but girls usually fight with words and attitude and stuff while boys to the rough and tumble and fists and such (then for boys its over while girls keep the grudge forever). So she may not "grow out of it" completely, just into another stage of it (ugh... 'tween, then teen, then college <grin>). You're right that it's up to you. Just don't let her get to you, or at least see that she has. Remind her that you don't talk like that, and if she's going to she can be in her room until she's ready to talk nice (I still do that with my 10-year-old). Sometimes you'll be ready to disown her, but focus on the good things as much as you can.

Take a day for just you and her. Make it lunch of her choice. Just let her talk and find out if there is a problem that you don't know about. Explain to her that she can talk to you about ANYTHING. It could be a little jealousy from little brother.Could be influence from other friends. Let her know how you really feel about the attitude and disrespect.

Wow! I so relate. Today was an off day! I wonder if it's a 5yo thing. We have found that a required rest time usually translates into a nap on those days and does wonders for everyone involved -- even me, because with all three in bed I get a nap, too! Yay! Otherwise we're just consistent. I feel like a broken record most of the time. We're starting to see small changes. If the attitude starts first thing in the morning, we just give him a minute to decide if he's going to join us for breakfast or go back to bed until he can cheer up. Usually he decides to be pleasant, and it lasts, but occasionally we have to send him back to bed, albeit not for long. When he returns, it takes a few minutes of love that it wasn't him we didn't want, it was his attitude we didn't want, but then we have a really great day, and usually don't have any problems for a long time. GL!

Greetings S.!
I totally feel your pain! I have the same daughter I think! She has always been a challenge for me. She is contrary about anything and everything. She rarely does anything I ask with an agreement and a smile. I was extremely frustrated as well. It seemed that there wasn't much joy in being with her. I wasn't always consistent either.
I borrowed the idea from a friend and from my experience as a teacher. We made a chart with 3 sections, (morning, afternoon and evening) and in each section there are 3 strips. (Green, Yellow and Red.) She starts each day "fresh" in the green. **Lay out all the rules of the house ahead of time and discuss what will not be allowed etc. You might even need to make a sign with "Pictures" of the rules on it so she cannot use the excuse that she "didn't know." You also need to decide what your consequences are for going into yellow or red etc. That can vary according to your family.
Example of our Rewards and Consequences: 6 greens (that means ALL day had good behaviour...made good choices) she gets a date night alone with mom or dad. 4 greens = reward of some sort.(Computer time, Game time, whatever works for you.) 3 greens = Only T.V. time, no special priveledges. 3 reds= 1 hr. grounded to her room......This can all be adjusted to your home and your family structure.
It may look complicated when I am trying to explain it on paper but it really is fairly simple once you get the hang of it. It seems to help ME be more consistent as well because the chart keeps track of what has gone on throughout the day. All I have to do is look up at any given point and know what the consequences/reward should be. And it allows her to start fresh at 3 points in the day. AM, afternoon, PM. When something starts to lose its effect...just change it around. Now we have added a new twist. If she gets ANY reds at all, she has to give away one of her stuffed animals for each red she gets. (She hasn't had a red in awhile.)

If you have further questions just ask! I hope I helped and didn't totally confuse you.

Have a great day!

J.

Hi S.,

I suggest getting this book! http://www.alwaysanally.com/
It has all the best guidance.

Oh S.! You and I could talk friend! :)
I will start by saying my ex left us when my daughter was 4, he moved 1,000 miles away. So I thought all was well we were all adjusting, then my daughter turned 5! I literally was in tears with her daily. Part of it was anger and confusion I found out but some of it was just good old being a five year old girl. I literally called up the Pediatrician one day in tears saying I was failing, that I didn't know what to do or how I was screwing up but I was tired of spending every day arguing or disciplining her and like you NOTHING was working.
We went to a play therapist, that helped us big time, we got past the hump of questions unanswered with the divorce, how to communicate, how to be more understanding of each other and really opened up a world for us.
I fought with my mom from 11 to 21 and I did not want that for she and I but I knew if something didn't change we were already headed that way!
So, first, there is something that matters to her greatly, for my daughter, it was bedtime. So when she acted up, every sass it was 15 minutes, for big defiance or hitting her little brother 30 mintutes off. I stuck to my guns, one day she was in bed at 2pm! NO JOKE. Now she didn't sleep and came down for dinner and went back to her room but no matter how much she begged or cried, I was TOUGH and she had her punishment. That was hard, I like you have not always been consistent but a few times of her really understanding I meant what I said was all it took.

Then came to putting choices back on her. You can have a good day or bad day, but you are in control of yourself is what I told her. I told her to practice every day of thinking before something came out of her mouth so she didn't get in bigger trouble, took a lot of work. Then I gave her one on one time with me, all her and me. Her brother went to bed 45 minutes before she did and she and I played, read, drew, laughed, snuggled and she got my undivided attention. That was HUGE for her! Once a child feels they are always getting into trouble, they see little point of why to be good. THAT CAME FROM MY DAUGHTER by the way and is very valid.

Try to decide too is it worth it? Pick your battles, give her some contorl over herself and when she makes bad decisions don't yell but look at her and say "well you choose this for yourself, I am very sorry". It takes time to sink in she is what is causing her problems, not you.
Be careful how often you lose your temper ( I know how hard that is after sassing and slammed door and defiance believe me!!!) but take a deep breathe, walk away. Once she saw me practicing calmly down before I addressed the issue she started calming down. BE CONSISTENT, mean what you say and say what you mean. There is something big to her, computer time, TV watching, bedtimes, something that matters enough to use that as your bargaining chip on her bad decisions.
Praise her too, remind her how much you love her daily, praise every good thing she does. Kids are all different and while my son doesn't need as many pats on the back I see my daughter really thrives on positive reenforcement!
My son just wants some snuggle time with me and my daughter really wants me to look her in the face and hear her!

Letting them know you hear them, understand them and that you want only what is best for them helps tremendously. It will not happen overnight, it is work but well worth it.
My daughter still has the drama mamma moments that test my nerves but I can look at her and say "is this what you want for yourself, because when you have to go to bed early I miss my one on one time with you"...so she doesn't see me as this bad guy wanting to punish that I have to be a good mom and teach her what is right and wrong.

I tell my kids every day it is much easier NOT to discipline and let them run crazy and not care, but being a good mom is my laying down rules and them abiding by them, to give them manners, respect, compassion and responsibility so when they leave my house one day they are prepared to be great adults! My daughter has told me she is going to be a strict parent when she gets bigger so her kids are good people! Not sure if that is bad or good but I know she hears me.

Good luck, deep breaths, don't worry about your 2 year old picking up on her behavior, he will be watching your reaction and believe me when he sees you lay down the law, follow through he will know where his limits are. My son is four and has watched his sister lose priviledges, go to bed early and he is a lot better for it!!!!! Just stand tough, but with gentle guidance, love and support and communicate with her. HUGS

Hi S., Although I don't have a 5yo, I have a 10, 3 (with special needs) and a 1yo all girls. I definitely see the tweens starting in the 10yo and have started doing deep breathing that I learned in Yoga. It has really helped me deal with all three of them more calmly. I think my body is just more relaxed so I handle it better. Make sense? It's hard to be consistent when we lose it. I will be the first to admit it.
Take care and good luck.

This kind of sounds like a power struggle. You be in charge of you and your emotions. Carefully plan the attitude you will have throughout the day. If she sees that you won't bend or act out like she thinks you will, you have won. Only tell her one time to do something, if she doen't do it, what is the consequense going to be? If you tell her to pick up toys in her room, give her a certain amount of time to accomplish it, after that amount of time go in there and take a trash bag with you and take everything on the floor away. Take the bag to a friends house or put somewhere she can't find it. Let her earn them back by being nice and talking appropriately.

One thing that really helped was getting a break from my kids. I have them in a lot of activities, including preschool, so that both they & I can break and then have things outside of our home to talk about. It's helped tremendously. Good luck to you - girls are tough, they are smart, and learn how to push your buttons.

Hi S....it seems like we are in the same boat, so I don't have any advice for you, other than it must be the age. My daughter will turn two in March, and oh my gosh! There are days when I am ready to sell her to the highest bidder! Thank you for you message, it made me realize I am not alone!

I have an almost 5 yr old and she started being "really sassy" over a year ago. I had another mother tell me that she heard, that kids actually have two "teen" phases, one at 3-5 and then their "real" teens... I think that they are growing so much mentally and are scared a bit by that independence that we, as parents, so embrace. I believe that some of the challenges that happen in the "true teen" years, is because the behavior wasn't corrected when they did it as a little kid (its "cute"). I have a very strong willed, but empathetic little girl and so we try to explain to her how it hurts us when she says something, ask her how would she feel if we did that. Make sure that she knows because we tell her and hug and kiss her that we love her more than anything else and WILL love her "forever and a day". I have made the comment that I didn't expect to spell out some of our rules for another ten years. I've had to do the "You will not slam doors in this house!" lecture, but (tried to) calmly say that if you do, "We will have to take the door off the hinges, and then she gets no privacy, no way to keep the cats from sleeping with her. That is the rule at 4 and it will hold true at 14!" We also tell her that our ONLY job as a parent is to raise a good grown up, and that in the grown up world you don't get to tell your boss "NO, I don't want to!" and that there are things that we all have to do, because we HAVE TO DO THEM, no choice.
She didn't have Easter last year (she was 3) because she was talking back/not listening...We called the easter bunny on Saturday morning telling him to skip our house, gave our address the whole shebang, and she cried then, but we told her that we could call him back that night if she improved. So right before bed, I asked her daddy if we could call "jack" back and we agreed that she hadn't really improved her behavior so no...She got off the couch and said (and I am quoting), "Oh well, maybe next year." and marched off to bed. We ate her candy! My mom thinks I'm a 'meany', but you have to be willing to follow through with the consequences that you have laid out, even if they are no fun for you. Our challenge is finding consequences that she cares about.
She learned what I call "the sassy butt" from a friend, the whole hip/butt wiggle to emphasize something. I call her on it every time she starts that wiggle and tell her that it is unacceptable and not cool.
She's also a beautiful little girl, and that is the first thing most people will tell us when they meet her. We've been having issues getting her to sleep as much as she needs to and trying to convince her to sleep more, my husband said "so she could grow up big and strong and beautiful", she interrupted him and said that she "was ALREADY beautiful". Well that pushed a button on him, and we had to correct her that saying that "made her ugly". It is such a fine line with self esteem and girls anyway. I don't want to undermine her confidence, but also don't want her to be "one of those girls".
I was raised in a house that didn't have many rules on me and I was spoiled, I admit it, my parents bent over backwards, if I asked them to. But I realized that as a (young) adult that the "real world" didn't think I was special like my folks did. It was really hard for me to deal with since I hadn't developed the coping skills when I was younger.
I don't know if any of this helps, but know that there are lots of other parents going through the same things, that most kids do hit these "phases" and hopefully outgrow them, but that I would encourage you to deal with the behavior consistently, honestly and lovingly. and a last little story...She came over to me last weekend when I was reading my book, but my bookmark in the page, and said, "I really hate it when you read your book. I didn't say that I hate you, but I hate your behavior, Mom"...She's listening, picking up on ALL the details and nuances.
good luck and have fun with your kiddos!

I'm struggling too with my 4th child (thought I was getting pretty good at this parenting thing till she came along). I've somehow created a monster in my house, and she's almost 8!!! I thought she would outgrow it :(

Things I'm learning now:
-Don't get emotionally involved!!!!!
-If possible, just leave the room when it all starts hitting the fan (you don't even need to say a word)
-show love, love, love as much as possible at other times! (quality time, hugs and kisses, words of praise, small gifts of thank yous...)
-DON'T ARGUE WITH HER!!! take a lesson from Dr. Phil (warning: it's harder than you think) a good phrase is, "If you think so dearie" (that tells her you agree to dissagree in a nice way)

Good luck, and if you find a miracle cure, PLEASE SHARE IT HERE!!!!

Try this. In addition to giving her very mild time outs each and every time she does the attitude thing (and gently explain how unpleasant her behavior is), don't let her watch any shows where childrten interact with each other. Here's why:

The kids on tv shows are incredibly rude & sarcastic to each other. Our kids learn it from the shows, and learn it from other children who watch the shows. I truly believe that you will notice a difference quickly if you turn off the tv. (Nature shows are okay, for example.)

It'll be worse when she gets into school - it's almost a survival skill! Make sure she has a snack when she gets home from school and lots of hugs/love.

Ok, so the only thing that works for me:
1. Change YOUR attitude. Your daughter's a sweet kid. She just doesn't know she's doing it. She doesn't need to be punished

2. So here's my non-punishment. I figure I can either have happy kids or a clean house. So, I simply ask her to go pick up ONE thing in the kitchen (or her room) and put it away.

This gives her an immediate break from whatever situation was riling her up.

I don't explain anything. If she complains or asks why or starts a tantrum, it's TWO things....the THREE....FOUR...FIVE...SIX....TEN....13....do you want it to be 20? The key is to remember in your heart that you're not punishing her. You're simply pointing out that she needs to correct her attitude without actually saying anything about her attitude.

If she can't count to 20, then you can point to items on the floor and tell her to put them away.

She will freak out the first couple times it happens. But she will eventually bite her tongue. Soon she'll be happier to just pick up the ONE item and be done with it. She'll learn that if she keeps up the attitude, she'll have to pick up another ONE item.

It's more effective than anything I've tried....and she doesn't get the chance to argue her way out of it.

I always ask her if she needs a hug after she's calmed down...and I thank her for being sweet when she's being sweet....and compliment her whenever I can. I also smile at her a lot.

Good luck.