My daughter is 5, just about to finish Kindergarten, and she has a friend who is about the same age, but in another class at school. They've been friends since they were 2, in preschool together. We've had playdates at least once a week for the last 2 years, so they have been very close. About 6 months ago, they began arguing on playdates - snippy, sister-style arguing, centering around things like, "she won't let me have a turn" or "I wanted that pencil and she took it" - basic 5-year-old issues. In the last several months, however, I've seen it take a turn. My daughter's friend has begun doing things like listing out her best friends when they're drawing and saying to my daughter, "See where you are? Waaaaaaay at the bottom of my list." I've witnessed her take my daughter's seat when she gets up for a minute when we're out with a group of kids, only to then turn the seat so that her back is to my daughter, excluding her from the group. She'll also say to another child, "Come on, let's talk about our secret," and then begin whispering and laughing while looking at my daughter. Essentially, in most social situations lately, she seems occupied with corralling the other girls to herself and actively excluding my daughter. When my daughter tells her these actions hurt her feelings and asks her to stop doing these things, her friend refuses to answer - sometimes not speaking at all, sometimes moving her mouth like she's talking but without any sound. It's in my child's nature to talk through issues, so that is baffling and intensely frustrating to her. The flip side is that my daughter has a very sensitive nature - she is very intuitive and empathetic - so often times things that kids truly don't mean to be unkind (but are more kind of oblivious actions), she perceives as hurtful and gets upset. However, I have personally witnessed enough of the interaction between her and this particular friend to know that there is intention behind it. And - I'm beginning to think that her sensitivity has given this child the idea that she's an easy target to treat this way. The difficult thing is that it's so subtle that it's much harder to confront (with the child or the parent) than, say, if she had pushed or kicked my child, or even called her a name, etc. Today, for example, my daughter was on the playground at school, holding hands with another little girl (I was observing her class). This friend's class came out, and the girl immediately ran up to the little girl my daughter was holding hands with, threw her arms around that girl, knocking her away from my daughter, then looked over at my daughter with this expression that I can only describe as smug. It truly seems like she's trying to send a message that she has more friends, is better liked, etc. - things I would expect to encounter when they're 13 - not 5! To complicate things, I am good friends with this girl's mother - but, I don't feel that I can talk about it with her (as I would be able to with some other good friends) for a couple of reasons: 1) She's present when these interactions are taking place and does nothing to encourage her daughter to interact differently; 2) I get the feeling that she thinks my daughter's response is overly sensitive, because she will frequently tell her own kids, "no matter what, we don't cry"; and 3) this little girl seems to rule the roost to a great degree. I don't think a conversation about it would go well. I love the little girl and her mom - my family loves their whole family, and we have frequently hung out! - so I am distraught. As I overheard my daughter say to another friend today, "I don't know why, but she suddenly has a problem with me, and says mean things to me a lot." What can I do? Any advice is greatly appreciated!
Welcome to little catty woman land as it's being constructed.
My talk would include "Honey, for some unknown reason we girls can be very moody sometimes without reason. If "jenny" is being mean to you like this it might be best for you to find a new girl friend to play with for now and maybe you and "jenny" can start playing together again someday when her mood is better".
Welcome to girl world, ugh :(
It starts pretty much as soon as school starts. We were friends with a few families during the preschool years but it all gets so awkward and complicated when the girls are mean to each other, or they just aren't friends anymore. It sucks, but it happens.
I stopped forming close friendships with my daughters' friends families a long time ago because you just don't know how long the friendships will last, or how potentially ugly things can get, especially once they hit middle school. I'm still friendly and volunteer with other moms, work on committees, etc. but I avoid getting any deeper than that.
I guess this a more of a warning of what's to come than actual advice, but I hope it helps!
Yeah it will only get worse I'm afraid. What needs to happen though is your daugther has to give it back. I dont mean go yell at the parent or the kid do it more undercover like. 1. When this mean girl tries to say someting to her, she can start to pretend not to hear her. 2. If the girl comes over to her dont even look at her look at the other girl she was playing with and pretend she cant hear her. 3. Also no more playdates for a while for sure. Instead get your daughter involved with outside activities that the mean girl isnt part of so yoru daughter can make new friends. Teach your daughter to roll her eyes when the girl says something. An almost whatever I dont care attitude. You need to teach this to your daughter.
Wow this sounds familiar, as my DD is 11, but she is personality a lot like your DD. And I do think the sensitivity gets picked up on, and girls with mean tendencies can smell blood, and go under the radar to incite drama. I live in a small house with thin walls, I have heard all kinds of snarky-mean behavior. You can lay it out on the table for the Mom if you want to. Been there, done that. I'm convinced the only person who will decide if she will treat your daughter kindly and like a true friend is that child herself. If that child doesn't value her friendship over her power and control, they won't really ever be close friends. Moms cannot force the issue, it doesn't work. Your daughter has told this girl what hurts her feelings, but it persists. Mean girl games. I'm so sorry this is happening.
Here is what I would do. Tell the Mom you need need a little break this summer from the regular playdates you've been having once a week for 2 years. It's the end of the school year anyway, and a natural time to transition out of routines. I would keep it light and not go into your real reasoning. You'll be busier, etc. Talk to your child's teacher about what is going on, and request they NOT be placed in the same classroom next year (although you said they aren't this year, I would be proactive to keep it this way). Keep your daughter busy with fun activities and other playmates. Stop scheduling playdates with those you are friends with personally and always ask your daughter, "who would you like to invite over to play?" and follow her lead. Schedule your own time with your own friends separately, mom's nights out, etc. Talk to your DD about what she likes about her peers. How she feels after spending time with someone. Empower her to make choices in friendships. She should not ever feel stuck in this mean girl's company. If they invite her over to play, don't accept right away. Make time to ask your daughter if she wants to get together with her. If she doesn't. Say "I'm sorry, but X doesn't feel up to playing this week." The little girl learns that she does not get to pull all of your DD's strings. She may rule the roost at home, but she'll see that your daughter will be off making other friends if she wants to act like a mean bully.
Your relationship with the Mom and the family will surely change, you may drift apart, but I think your daughter will be a stronger, healthier person for it.
I don't know. I would have a really hard time still like liking the mom if her daughter acted this way. I'm also not a big play date type person. My daughter is 5 and loves all her school friends, loved all her daycare friends, loves any kids she sees at the park, but never naturally gravitated to a "best friend" yet, and we haven't formed one by frequent play dates. There is a girl in her class who acts the way you describe the other girl acting. I've seen my daughter get upset by it and other kids too. Her mom is not very pleasant and sort of catty herself. I've only talked to her a few brief times and she managed to slide in some catty digs.
What I have done starting around 3 when my daughter is witnessing or bearing the brunt of rude behavior is coach her how to handle it in front of the parent who is doing nothing. I'll say things like, "She's not being nice so just leave her alone." or "You don't need to play with her if she acts like that." or "Just tell her that hurt you feelings and you don't want to play. let's go."
I do it in a nice, positive tone, so the parent is a little bit taken aback, because I'm not picking a fight or insulting them, yet I'm pointing out the kid isn't acting nice.
Maybe you could do something like that? She does sound like she's making a dig at you telling her kids not to cry "no matter what" if your child cries sometimes. Dig back at her like, "No matter what, we don't let people be mean to us without leaving if we want." or something, staying smily and positive and following it up with an easy breezy, friendly, "See you later" cheerful good bye to the mom with a little "crazy kids" shrug. If she thinks you're fine with everything and not mad, yet left because her kid was bratty, the ball will be in her court if she wants to confront it or not.
Can you talk to the school? My daughter's K/1 teacher was EXCELLENT in curbing this behaviour and fostering a sense of community in her classroom. One of the other K/1 teachers class was the exact opposite. This is where it starts! Your daughter does need to learn how to deal with being sensitive but the other girl also should learn to be more sensitive to others feelings. "We don't cry no matter what" is over the top. If the parents aren't supportive, I don't know where you go from here. There may be no other choice that to back away from the relationship with this family while things are the way the are.
My daughter has a friend who's intentions are good but she can be rough and insensitive. Her dad (sahd) and I joke that we hope our girls will rub off on each other. Both of us have to be very active when they play (less and less so now). We expected they both would have to learn to deal with their individual seemingly opposite hardwiring ;-)
I would talk to the mom, but you say you can not. I would also talk to my child about bullys, and the next time this girl does something like that and your child gets upset, say in front of all the children that it is ok, and explain about bullys again and how she should focus on her good friends and ignore this one bully. But really, you should be talking to the bully's mom about all of this.
I would tell that child - IN FRONT OF HER MOTHER - that if she didn't start acting like a nice child, one who cares about the feelings of others... then I would talk to the principal about her emotional bullying behavior and would not allow playdates between the two girls anymore until she could act appropriately.
Her behavior is not acceptable - and the fact that her Mother allows and condones it is seriously troubling. Your daughter's well being should be more important than keeping a friendship - especially when her little girl is going out of her way to target and humiliate your daughter.
Wait until she is a teen. Gets a thousand times worse!!
The next time your daughter complains about the little girl, have her ask the mother the next time you see them. She may be nice or she may have a bad attitude but at least your kid will hear it from the mother why the little girl is acting the way she does, thus leaving you looking less like the bad guy when you tell her she needs to move on and find other friends.
.
