Advice on How to Encourage Daughter to Stand up for Herself

I think your daughter needs to find new friends. I always tell my kids that friends make you feel good about yourself, and if someone is consistently making you feel bad then you need to walk away. Confronting this bully is not the way to go. She acts this way because she knows she can and gets away with it--it's a control thing. You're daughter needs to tell them both that she doesn't deserve to be treated that way and if they continue to be that way then she'll find someone else to be her friend.

Keeping your child active in various activities would then give her the opportunity to make new friends. Hopefully she'll find someone that has more respect for her.

Good luck!

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I would get your daughter into other activites and encourage her to meet new friends. Limit her contact with the "mean" friend and encourage more positive friendships. I have also looked at the book "Queen Bees and Want to Bees"....it might give you some insight to school age girls and the reasson they act the way they do.

Good luck and I hope your daughter finds girls who like her for her!

Jen

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Hi L.,

In my opinion, your daughter has stood up for herself. She's told them how she feels but they simply don't care. Why insist on being their friend when they're obviously not interested? Why keep hitting your head against the pavement? I agree with Jeniffer and Valerie, your daughter should look elsewhere for some real friends. Maybe you can set-up some playdates with some girls from school or sign her up for some activities where she can meet other girls.

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Some children are leaders and some are followers. Dr. Dobson from Focus on the Family did a show about it and I was lucky enough to hear it.
He talked about a birthday party that his daughter had, it was a sleep over. He said one all the girls showed up he knew within 30 minutes the pecking order of all the girls. The the meeker/shyer girls always need the more dominate girls approval for everything they did. They also would do anything the the more dominate children wanted just to try to be part of the group and hopefully be accepted. He said it like that in any social situation from about the toddler age on up and sometimes there is nothing you can do unless the meeker/shyer children/adults realize that they don't need the acceptance of the more dominate one, that they should be willing to accept just as they are.
Here is one of the focus on the family studies on peer pressure. http://www.family.org/parenting/A000001200.cfm
Also check out this book: http://www.enotalone.com/article/4359.html

You daughter just does not want conformation and that is a good thing but usually leaves her being the one that gives in which puts her lower in the pecking order. There are many great articles and advice at www.family.org

I hope all works out. Hope some of this information helps.

S.

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I agree with Valerie. It doesn't sound like those girls are "good friends" and someone you want your daughter to be like/spend time with going forward.

I realize that may be hard to accept since they live close. You don't want to isolate your daughter from those who live in her community. However, since you asked about encouraging her to stand up for herself, I suggest she walks away from the other girls next time they aren't being nice to her. She doesn't have to say anything - LET THEM PURSUE HER. Then when they do ask (when she's walking away or next time they want her to "play") she can very simply say, "I don't appreciate the way you treat me. I've mentioned it before and nothing has changed. So if you can't be nice and include me in things, then I'm going to find something else to do."

I also agree that you should help find other interests/friends for your daughter. Consider having her try out a new sport or program at school this year (when it starts), like track, theatre, cheerleading, etc. or consider the local YMCA or pack district - they should have TONS of programs going on right now. Let her look through the catalog with you and pick one or two new classes to try. Make it clear that this is FOR HER. So if she doesn't want to do the class again, she doesn't have to. That way she's not feeling pressured by you to "have a hobby".

Hopefully (and most likely) she will find a program or friends that do the things she likes. Make sure you ask her after every class, what did you do, did you have fun, tell me about the other kids in the class. This will help her to open up and meet the other kids so she has something new to tell everytime!

You can show up early a few times (before class ends) to see her do her thing and maybe meet some of the other kids & moms. Then ask if she'd like to have someone come over and play or meet at the library. Be willing to play chauffer.

By putting her in a new situation where she thrives, she'll have more self confidence and realize what REAL friends are instead of being STUCK with the girls in her neighborhood only. The kids in the neighborhood can be fine to play with once in awhile. However with the pattern they are creating, as a Mom, I'd be concerned if that's ALL she had.

I hope you find this helpful! Let us know how it goes.

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Bullying is starting earlier and earlier with children and we parents are usually wrong in how to deal with the situations. Our school district had a special assembly at the middle and high schools and a special presentation to parents given by Jodee Blanco who experienced a terrible bout of bullying when she was a child. Please go to the following website: http://www.jodeeblanco.com/index.htm and go to your local library or a bookstore to get her book. Telling your child to stand up for herself or ignore them and they'll stop just doesn't cut it. Basically, she needs to not try to "fit in" with those girls and try to find her a new set of friends away from those girls. Get her involved in a sport or library, church, or park district program where she can find new friends. I really can't remember more suggestions she offered, but please find her book, Please Stop Laughing at Me, and you'll see that she knows what she's talking about. She's actually scheduled to speak at Heineman Middle School in Algonquin in October (see the site) and I highly recommend it. Many parents who attended were overwhelmed, some even in tears. It was that touching and real.
While on her site click on the Survival tab and she has tips for students, parents, and even educators (who've been in the dark for ages on how to deal with this, too).

Good luck!

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Unfortunately, as far as the other girls go, the best thing to do as a parent is to stay out of it. My mother didn't and my world got a lot harder because she stepped in. Your daughters situation sounds like many I had to face as a child. I even had a girl tell me that she was mean to me because it was her time of the month. Girls can get really NASTY, and the fact that your daughter is trying to keep the peace is actually a good thing.

If I were you I'd get her involved in activities (classes or sports) so that she is not home bored, but out doing something with other kids her age so that she just doesn't have time to spend with the mean ones. Just start signing her up for stuff, and tell her that she has to try it out, to see if she likes it. Personally I am a huge advocate of the martial arts for girls. It teaches an abundance of self esteem, great exercize and self defense for later in life. These issues will unfortunately continue for a long time in her life, because frankly this is how girls learn to develop relationships. It will get better as she gets older, though will not totally go away as this behavior in girls seems to continue on throughout our adult lives as well. Hey, my grandmother still has to deal with these same issues with friends. You can talk to her about what "real friends are" and what kind of friendships she wants to make, however she is going to have to learn this lession on her own.

Hi L.,My daughter also had an issue with bullying. But not that she was being bullied necessarily, but that she was infatuated with the bully. We are not sure if it was because she was afraid of her or not. She says she makes her laugh...but not when she is being mean to others. In fact my daughter told me that she was being mean to another girl. Thank God for that and we had a long chat. First of all it seems that this young lady has a pretty tough life. I told my daughter that she should try to be nice to everyone. I do not want to see my daughter alienated because others are afraid of her, but that she needs to put her foot down with her friend. I tell my daughter that she may play with the girl if they play in a group of 4 or more...it seems as if that number 3... can really be a key to a working relationship. If there are three...then 2 tend to work against 1...If four...they tend to work together. I may be wrong on this, but I would hate to see a young lady who really can use friends right now be torn down. I would though avoid the overnighters and keep the playdates at your house,because the apple falling from the tree is a good analogy and keep an eye on what is going on. Also, telling your daughter she can't play with someone may backfire. Because that bully may corner your daughter more. What is that expression...keep your enemies close. Also talk to the teacher and social worker at school and express your concerns. I found that they will not express them to you...I actually had to call the teacher and chat with her about what my daughter discussed with me. And they, including the principal were very aware of what was going on. It would have been nice that they filled me in. Hopefully because of that, they will be put in different classes and the summer thank goodness has definately cooled things off. They have had a break from one another. Be careful what you say...because what comes from your mouth might come out of your daughters a lot harsher. (My mommy says....) That's why I try to encourage more people being around when they play together. That way she can still have her as part of her life...and she is protected too. And hopefully the bully will socialize appropriately because she sees how the others get along. Make sense???

Actually your daughter may be handling it just right. The reality of the situation is that neither you or your daughter can change the rotten behavior of this girl and her follower, therefore staying away from them is the most logical answer. I teach Kindergarten and there are ALWAYS children like this. I do try talking the "mean" ones and intervene when I can, but I also say to the "victim" child "Why do you want to play with him/her/them if they are being mean?" This is usually hard to answer, then I tell the child it might just make more sense to play with someone else who is going to be nicer. The children often respond well to this and it is much less satisfying to the "mean" ones when the "victim" leaves them to play with a "nicer" person.
I actually had a similar situation last year with my 10 year old daughter and another girl in her class. As a mom I really wanted to call the teacher and or the girl's mom. But instaed I talked repeatedly with my daughter about how to respond to this girl and her followers in a way that would not let the other girls know they were getting to her. She ended up doing very well and now scoffs at the other girls' rudeness. She has also moved on to nicer friends.
Keep reiterating to your daughter that what they are doing is wrong and she shouldn't let people push her around, but maybe let her know that her decision to avoid a bad situation is not a bad idea.
Then maybe see if there are any frinds from school, dance classes, summer camp etc. that she could invite over instaed.
Good luck!!

I agree w/Cortney. Don't step in and say anything, it will get worse. kids are so mean when this happens. I know from my own experience as a kid-both in grade school and high school. Not so much in jr hi as I made other friends since there were new kids at the different school. I would totally offer her other options and highly recommend any form of martial arts as a self esteem builder. If I had that as a kid/tween, maybe my high school years wouldn't have been torture. My heart breaks for your daughter. Get her involved with other activities and events w/others her age--make sure she knows that it's not her -it's totally them and she shouldn't feel so sad.

Hi L.,

Kids can be pretty cruel sometimes and I understand that it is not easy to understand why, but here is my opinion.
Your daugher has told the girls that it is not right to whisper, ect. As long as your daughter understands this, then maybe mention to your daughter that those girls must have problems that you may not know about and it would probably be better if she did not hang out with them. She would not have to ignore them. If they come up to talk to her then she can talk to them but I would not let my children go to their house. (especially for a sleep over knowing how things are) If your daughter doesn't seem to be very interested in hanging out with them then maybe the other girls will start to wonder why and ask. Then your daughter can tell them the truth. Some people (and kids) are better left as acquaintances than good friends. I know it is not easy but you could talk to your daughter about this and she could be a way to get through to the other girls, maybe.
Good Luck,
J. J.

We all know that girls can be mean especially as they get into that tween age. Sounds like the "mean" girl is not someone that you would even want your daughter to be friends with. If she is already playing those kinds of games with her "friends," I can only imagine that she will become more of a problem down the road. I would applaud your daughter for just choosing to walk away from the situation instead of trying to confront the mean girl about her actions. She probably would not even understand that she is doing something wrong even if someone tried to explain it to her, so probably best to just say to her that she is no longer welcome to play with your daughter because she is not being a good friend. Then help your daughter find another child that she can play with that will truly be a good friend. Good luck!

You are describing a classic bullying dynamic in girls your daughter's age called relational aggression. The aggressor (bully) uses relationships like exclusion and gossip to hurt a friend. There is much on this subject on the internet but the best resource is www.opheliaproject.org
Here are some tips, but I do encourage you to look at The Ophelia Project resources for parents link:
1. Listen to your daughter without getting emotional. It may be that she is working it out on her own and she just needs you to hear her story. Do ask her if there is anything she wants you to do.
2. Encourage her to approach the aggressor to talk about her feelings. This is advised if your daughter truly wants to maintain her friendship with the aggressor and is not afraid of her - only hurt by her actions. Tell your daughter that her "mean" friend is being aggressive and that is not okay. Here are some conversation starters for your daughter.
" 'Mean girl', do you consider me your friend?" If the mean girl says yes, then your daughter can proceed with, "Well, it was really hurtful when you (fill in the blank here). If you are my friend, why would you want to upset me by doing that. I think you are my friend and I wouldn't do that to you." If the mean girl says no, then it may be time for your daughter to find new friends and it sounds like she has some. The "followers" are the bystanders or kids-in-the-middle in this dynamic and it is equally as stressful for them as it is for your daughter to see the aggressor behave the way she does. It may be that the "followers" are frightened or don't know how to stand up to a bully.
3. Encourage her to stand up to the aggressor. She can tell her to stop. If she can't do that because it is hard for her, find another strategy. Please don't show any disappointment in your daughter's disposition.
4. Other ways to deflect the aggressor: Leave. Tell an adult (like the aggressor's mother). Make a joke about it and keep playing (to let the aggressor know that she is not "getting to you"). Invite the other girls over to play to maintain their friendship (do not do this in front of the aggressor as a way to "get back at her" though).
5. Continue talking to your daughter about this. Let her know that she does not deserve to be treated this way. Remind her that she didn't do anything wrong. Love her and support her. Use this as a valuable life lesson to teach empathy so that she can be an empowered bystander when she sees an aggressor target another girl.
Good luck!
J.

Ah, what is it about us girls? While it is not appropriate for the "mean" girl to treat your daughter that way, it is not likely that your daughter can get her to change her behavior. Is this girl someone that you TRULY want your daughter to be close friends with? If the answer is yes, than you need to equip your daughter with the tools to deal with her, and by the way, she is not experienced enough to handle the situation like an adult would. If the answer is no, than I would arrange play dates with the nicer girl, exclusively, whenever possible. The mean girl may get the message sooner than you think. If that is not an option, then I would set up playdates with other, more appropriate friends. I went through and STILL go through this type of thing with my 12 year old daughter. I have learned to recognize when she is being overly sensitive or possible jealous, versus when she is truly being picked on or hurt by other girls. Bottom line, know who her friends are and whether or not they are worth all of her effort.

I know this sounds mean, but it sounds like the mean one needs a taste of her own medicine. Plan an outing, maybe a movie and lunch and have your daughter invite the "follower" in front of the mean one. If the "mean" one wants to know why she isn't invited, your daughters response should be "just because". I also question the mother of the mean one. Certainly there was permission for your daughter to spend the night over there. The mother should have questioned why the change of plans. It sounds to me the daughter rules the roost. It's hard to explain to a 9 year old how they should react to these situations or even how to retaliate. My best advice is to convey to your daughter, because she has had her feelings hurt, that this is why we don't treat people like that, and that she is a much better person than her friend and you are very proud of her. I hope things work out.

sigh...going through the same thing. It's a 3rd/4th grade girl thing.

Definitely encourage new friendships. Buy her the American Girls "Guide to Friendship Troubles" !! It is awesome! I hate the whole AG doll marketing thing, but their guide books are incredibly helpful. It took a long time, (this was my daughter's once best friend) but my girl eventually discovered that this "mean" girl was not her friend. She found that out when she made friends with other girls who did not make her feel bad. Discovering that was very empowering.

Hi. If those two are the only girls in the neigborhood around your daughter's age, she probably feels she has limited options. Not playing with them means not playing with anyone. She has shown backbone in my opinion for telling them its not polite to whisper and asking why she couldn't stay. Demanding answers that the mean girl won't give, in your daughter's mind, might make the other girl not want to play with her. I suggest getting your daughter involved in at least one structured activity. Girl Scouts, sports, or dance, would give your daughter more options for playmates and also raise her self-esteem.

This may not be what you had in mind but I bet it would help. There are some old books called the Mrs. PiggleWiggle books. they have been reprinted in recent years and you can ge them on Amazon or ebay. there is a story called the Whisperers Cure and if you could get the girls together to read it I bet you would have no more rude little girls. If not try it with your daughter and see if she does not see her self ad her firends oin the little girls in the story .It will certainly help to know that even thoughyt this was written when their grandmothers were little girls some things never change.

I feel your pain. Welcome to the preteen girls nightmare. My daughter has been through this drama. Quite frankly, I encouraged her to look for other friends. I've tried to teach her the value of true friends--trust, support, and loyalty. She has found some really nice friends who seem to have the same values regarding friendship. Of course, they are not in the same neighborhood so I have to drive her places here and there, but it is worth it. When she is bored in our neighborhood she plays with boys in the neighborhood, her brother, takes the dog for a walk, we even go to starbucks and read together. Everyone is not meant to fit into together.

I have had a fun year trying to help my daughter. The only actual advice I could end up giving her was. Treat people well, until they tell(show) you not to and then just be cordially polite. Tell her to find others to befriend and enter her into activities that kind of help frienships. I have my kids in at least one sport and then right now brownies. This is so they can meet others and learn positive activities. Also when helping your kids with friendships, keep an eye on how the Mom's treat other Mom's. Usually the apples don't fall far from the tree. There are some Mom's who are either demanding, cruel to other Mom's or you seem to get the complete opposite of pleasers they are kind to all and will go out of their way. You want your kids somehwere inbetween.

Hi L.
I haven't read the replies and I'm sure you've received some good advice from the other moms. My 6 year old has a similar issue with a neighbor on our street. I do not push the issue on confrontation to get an answer. I simply told her to reply to the "mean girl" that she has other friends and not to run behind her whenever this girl decides she does not want to play anymore.

Girls like this thrive on other girls being afraid of them... chasing behind them... walking on egg shells so they don't upset the "mean/controlling girl". This is not a friend. Build your daughter's confidence in herself and teach her that she doesn't need someone like this to call friend. When the little brat comes to your home to play, simply tell her not today. Have your daughter show this little girl that she isn't too concerned about her and she is fine playing w/o her or the two followers. Basically, have her flip the script on them! We did this last week with the girl on our block. IT WORKED LIKE A CHARM!

I don't think you should ever let the mean girl play with your daughter until she cleans up her act. You should also talk to the mean girl's parents about the situation if the mean girl continues to try and come over to your house and play with your daughter. Tell the mean girl's parents what the girl is doing and how it makes your daughter feel. If you stand up for your daughter, I think your daughter will have an easier time standing up for herself. Good luck.

Both my daughters (one's 20 the other 10) are "doormats" as one mom said. They are nice girls and as a result, they get treated like your daughter. As a mom it is one of the worst things because if you get into it, it just makes it worse. I spoke to my daughters 3rd-grade-teacher last year about a mean girl, and she said "why would your daughter want to be her friend anyway? They are nothing alike!" And it's so true. Find other friends and interests for your daughter. The girls who treated my older daughter like that are STILL mean after all these years. You don't want your daughter hanging out with that forever and having it ruin her self esteem. (I tried to toughen my girls up, have them stand up for themselves, but they just felt like they were being mean and didn't like doing it.) Separate from these girls. They will be trouble for a long long time probably.

I think there is a big difference between teaching your daughter how to stand up for herself and teaching her how to confront someone. Teach your daughter how to choose how she is treated. It will take some time for her to realize but point out what is important in friendship: how good friends are happy for one another, care about how each other feels, etc. Then when your daughter is around another friend who treats her right, point it out and point out that your daughter has the power to choose to be friends with girls who are nice to her. I think that open discussion about what qualities she wants out of a friend are important to her. Also, I would suggest to teach her that there is a difference between being casual friends and good friends. Let her know that she can be friends with the mean girls in life but she can choose to be good friends with other girls. It's important to learn how to get along with everyone.

I'm sorry to say, but welcome to the world of preteen/teen girls. This is classic bullying behavior and is not uncommon at all. You've received some good advice here, the best of which is to help your daughter develop other interests, which will result in other friends. Trying to intervene is useless, as someone here has suggested, the apples don't fall far from the tree. She's learning some mighty lessons about human behavior. And she's learning that the only person she can control is herself--she can choose to keep "trying," or she can choose a different path and find real friends. I raised two daughters and went through some sort of this with both. It breaks a mom's heart to see her child hurt so, but they are learning powerful lessons. And there are nice girls out there. Life is short, why waste precious time of childhood on accommodating and thus "enabling" this type of bullying behavior?

J.

L.,
Unfortunately I'm not writing with advice, I'm asking for help for the exact same thing! My daughter ..also 9..youngest of three, is a total follower! I see a future of being bullied, and worse yet others leading her down the wrong path. It's hard to explain to a 9yr. old the importance of this issue and how severe it can become. One of my best examples of this was, one night while trying to get her to put her p.j.'s on she got upset with me and said I can't because "Sally" told me not to wear p.j.'s tonight! Am I worrying too much about this? I don't feel like I am. We also have a girl in the neighborhood, who has told my daughter to lie to me, she talks my daughter into doing things that she knows is wrong, and tells my daughter I'm not going to be your friend anymore if you don't...whatever it is that day. I'm open for suggestions .
G.

Hi L.,

I see this problem with the girls in my 4th grade classroom every year. People don't realize what a catty age it can be as their little hormones start coming in. If you were a parent of one of my students asking for my advice I would tell you to start cutting the mean girl out of your daughter's life before any permanent thought processess are made. This is killing her self-esteem. She is surely starting to having feelings of being unworthy or "weird," no matter how hard you try to undo those feelings. If she and the nice one play well together, just start inviting that girl to your home to play. In fact, we are in a similar situation with my almost 6-year-old son and another boy who is quickly becoming a bully. We have simply stopped the invitations. If we run into him, fine. If not, we have been keeping my son busy with other kids.

Summer is almost over, so my advise it to start it now or at the beginning of the school year when your daughter can just be "too busy to play." If she doesn't want to stand up for herself right now, that's understandable. Sometimes they are not ready at her age, but keep that dialogue going about personal rights and what to do if someone makes her feel this way again. Sorry, but it will most likely happen again with some other girl before she finishes school. If she can build up the skills to either confront or avoid these people, she will be a much happier kid.

I think I just wrote a book, but this issue really gets to me. I can understand your concern about her becoming a doormat. You may want to seek out the watchful eye of her next teacher, too. It is amazing what happens at school that parents sometimes never get told by their children...good and bad. He/she could be a really useful person of support for your child.

Good luck and I hope this helps.
A.