What Do You Do When 10 Year Old Daughter's Close Friend Is a Bully?

Dear A.,

I have a 12 year old daughter who also used to have a bully for a friend. We had a very similar situation to yours, we moved around a lot and my child was starved for friends. She made friends with the first girl she met at her first soccer practice. In the beginning it wasn't apparent that she is a strong controlling and mean spirited girl with no regards to anybody's feelings until she actually behaved that way with ME in my house. My solution to the problem was to prohibit my daughter from being with her outside school. In school I had no control over the situation, but I explained to my daughter that if this girl bullies everyone around, it is just a matter of time before she is going to bully her and also explained to my child what friendship means. Friends don't hurt each other...etc. I was very strong on my position; let her know that there is no way her friendship with this girl will be accepted in our house.
She of course was fighting it in the beginning, but as time went on slowly she started seeing that we were right and soon all the other kids in school figured out what this girl was about ( she was new to the district as well) most kids wouldn't hang out with her after a while. Her mother was the nicest person but I never considered talking to her about it. I just figured it wasn't my place to get involved. I make it a policy to stay out of the bickering that goes around at this age, they are all trying to figure out how to be friends and their behavior is very unpredictable. I just want to look out for my child, what other parents consider acceptable is none of my business.
This was the second time I had to cut a friendship between my daughter and an other girl. Both times my daughter agrees that we did the right thing, she saw it later how these girls were disliked by a lot of people and their behavior got them into trouble in school a lot. I believe that sometimes parents have a right to interfere in order to protect their kids' emotional well being, we know our kids the best. We can't control other kids but we have a choice on how we allow our children react to the world. They don't have the kind of foresight at this young age that would allow them to be cautious. I would rather be making the right choices for my child than popular choices.
Cutting out friends is not an easy choice, but if you do it early enough it is worth it and when they are 16 and hanging out with the wrong crowd you have a better chance at being heard, I know no guarantees!
It worked for us so far, and I do have a very difficult child.
Sorry for the long email, I hope this helps a little,
Good Luck
M.

1 mom found this helpful

It sounds like such a toxic friendship your daughter has with these girls. Is there any kind of church group she could get involved in? Maybe then she could be in a more nurturing environment. I would just be scared that in a couple more years these girls will discover how "fun" alchohol and drugs are. That is my worst fear for my girls. We try to get them involved in sports and church activities in order to keep them away from bad influences.

Just a thought. I think you did the right thing by the way. And if talking to the girls' mothers doesn't work, I would even consider seeing a school official. Not to be maudlin, but these school shooting are often the result of bullying and "mean" kids.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

Doing the right thing doesn't necessarily mean people will approve, and doing the wrong thing doesn't necessarily mean it'll make people angry. You had good intentions and you were honest. Those are the biggies.

Instead of trying to fix or mitigate this relationship, try to help your daughter be OK with being alone sometimes. People who are miserable being alone are EXTREMELY likely to find themselves in unpleasant situations with unpleasant people. Help her find a hobby - reading, movies, needlepoint, computer games, cooking, writing, swimming, electronics, animals, anything - that she can enjoy alone, and make sure she has scheduled time without friends to do it. She may complain about being "lonely" at first, and worry that other kids are having so much more fun AND forgetting all about her, but in the long run she'll be happier. Having something you can enjoy doing for yourself is a huge sanity saver in the adult world. During the growing up years, it'll be great to know that when being with her friends is frustrating or painful, she can go do something that will actually make her feel better, instead of brooding and feeling rejected.

Oh have I been here with my 11 year old daughter. Same kind of thing last year. There was a girl who got in the middle of my daughter and another friend, told lies, said mean things, etc etc etc. We had numerous talks with the mom and she was responsive to her daughters 'mean' behavior. However, it never REALLY stopped until my daughter and the other girl were NOT allowed to speak to her at all. We laid down the rules and told her that she is to ONLY speak to this girl in the classroom since they shared the same teacher. My daughter was told to speak nicely, but no more then need be. My next step was a meeting with all parents, teacher and principal. Needless to say she moved to a city out of our district and life is peaceful.
My advice, have a meeting with all the 3 girls and parents. Lay it all on the line. I refuse to allow another child 'screw' up mine....get the school involved if need be. Your child will eventually learn not to hang around kids like that, but she's at the impressionable stage. Protect her.

The same thing happened to me and my daughter when she was 11. The bully came to be friends with my daughter and her best friend. After a while, we could see that it was not working out, so I spoke with my daughter's best friend's mom to see how she felt, and we felt that our two kids together could tell the bully that they can't hang around her anymore, and that's what they did. The thing was, it was near the end of the school year, like it is now, so we just waited it out, then during the summer they (the bully and my daughter) didn't see each other at all, even though the bully's parents attempted to set up some playdates, we made up excuses, then on the first day of school my daughter and her friend told the bully they can't hang around her anymore, the bully took the hint and went away. It may not be that easy for your daughter, but maybe you can talk to your daughter's best friend's mom and see if that would work for this group and see if she agrees on doing it this way. It sounds like this girl won't change - they never do - they just have to tell her point blank they can't hang around her anymore, and their parents won't let them hang around her anymore. If they keep telling her that, she just might go away. Maybe you should inform school administration that this is what you are doing in case the bully goes complaining about it. I have made a couple of "parent enemies" doing this, but it is in the best interests of my daughter, and I don't care about being a friend of a bully's parents anyway. I have plenty of other parent friends. You just have to do what's best for your daughter. I wish you luck - it's hard going through it, but it has always worked out for us.

Sorry, A., but I don’t agree with you becoming this involved with your daughters social life. Unless there is real harm involved, such as shoplifting, drinking or other dangerous behavior, i would coach my daughter on how to handle herself if she came for advise, but would not take this all on personally as you seem to have done. She has to make these decisions for herself regarding who she will be friends with and what part she plays in group dynamics and you will only get in her way by taking this so personally.

I was a new comer to Fallon myself at age 9, and getting "in" is very difficult in this town. I don't think I ever managed to get too far, but I found friends that I am still close to today.
As an employee of the district, I can tell you the schools take Bullying VERY seriously. This is something that may need to be brought to the attention of her teachers and principle. If someone else, the schools, gets involved the other parent might see it better and this Bully may be more apt to back off.
Don't have much else though. It may have to do with the school she is at too. The student populations at the different schools are all very different. We moved my daughter at the begining of this year because we weren't comfortable with the group she had to choose from for friends. It has help her a great deal. She is in a school with children whos parents my husband and I grew up with.
Junior High might make a difference as well. She will be in with all the kids her age, and for lack of better wording, she will have a better selection. Hope things get better for you all!!

Hello A.,
You are on the right path and keep it up! Thank you for bringing up this question. We are currently in the same situation and coming out on the other side of dealing with this caddieness and bullying cycle all school year. My daughters confidence is coming back and she is making choices on her own and feeling good about it. Friends should absolutely make you feel good, liked, appreciated, and welcomed. For months I have had open communication with my daughter about what is going on with these girls who include her one day and then ask her why is she follwing them the next day. These girls have been friends since Kindergarten and also are involved in after school groups together too. The change in this relationship stung my daughter at first (and me) but the light bulb is finally coming on for her that friends feel like family. It should be a comfortable experience and natural not forced. In the beginning of our talks it was hard for her to understand why friends would turn on her after all of them getting along for so many years. We went down the checklist to make sure she was being a good friend, not getting caught up in gossip, and not being too needy and clingy after they would bully her to get her out of their group. It was a strange cycle because the more they would exclude her the more she would try to fight for her spot in "how it used to be". This made the bullying worse and slowly over time with gentle talks about how she should be treated, her confidence has started to come back. It has been a long road but worth it! I talked her through the days of spending lunch alone and helped her see the value in liking herself and being okay with checking out other things out on the playground. If you can help her get to a spot where she is confident enough to not be afraid to be alone or worry about what other kids think about her the battle is half over. My daughter discoverd 4 square again, hooking up with old friends from classses in previous years just by walking around alone and finding herself again. When she got used to not being in the "gossip trio" where she was mistreated and given "who do you like better" friendship quizes everyday, she found out that cruising the playground and checking things out isn't so bad. You feel good, no negativity, and guess what? She has made new friends at four square and she can't wait to go see thrm everyday at lunch now. The old girls have woken up because they don't have their "biggest fan" around anymore and they are now including her in activities again. I have cautioned her to be polite and play where her heart and mind tells her that she is happy and accepted. Interestingly enough she tried to go back and play with the old girls and finds it boring to sit around and talk about other people all recess or play truth or dare and be dared to lift her shirt up for them. She beams now when I tell her how proud I am of her that she is doing this on her own! It is best to be a kind leader and teacher than be caught in the negativity that she was. I say this because her personality falls into a leader roll that I don't think will ever change so why not teach her how to use her god given talent properly. Last week she has found a new friend that just recently went through the same thing. My daughter has been a good kind friend to this other girl so I know leading be example is working. Hang in there and stick by your daughter. Help her through the tears and just keep reminding her how special she is. We are our kids only advocates until they can learn to become their own. God Bless

A.; My daughter is 13 and has been dealing with this issue this school year. Her friend is very controlling, moody and wants the attention of my daughter (and others) all of the time also and this one tells lies to get others mad at each other. Then, she will say everything is great and stick to my daughter like glue. Fortunately my daughter sees that it pretty much is a self confidence issue and also jealous of what others have and do .Mine wanted to tryout for cheerleading and this friend wanted to also, at birthday parties she pouts because the spotlight is not on her, etc. My daughter recognizes this and knows that this "friend" is not really a true friend because of the way she acts and talks to her and there is not much as doing any extra things outside of school. The hard part is what to do? We tell our daughter to be kind to her, don't get involved in the attitude and to go off by herself if there are words and actions that she doesn't like. This is hard at any age because we all want to be accepted for who we are. Your daughter will have more friends because of her outgoing personality if she is able to break away from this situation. I don't mean that she can't talk to these girls, but, not hang out with them at school, even if that means being by herself a couple of days at lunch or recess. Have your daughter get a foreign pen pal or get involved in Girl Scouts or someother activity that will broaden her circle of friends even more. Hope this helps, M.

Hi A.-

I have a neice who is going through a similar thing. What I told her is that, she needs to do what she feels is right. She has to like the person that she is. Doing the worng thing will not make you feel good about yourself, but doing the right thing will. Even if it is hard and it hurts. When we do the right thing, we don't have regrets. Just my thoughts.

S.

Well, i have had this problem with my second daughter myself.And what i did was telll my daughter that if her "friend" is acting like this then she isnt a friend at all, because friends compromise and make efforts with one another, and that friendship, TRUE friendship is a two way street. I also explained to my daughter that if she has one real good true friend in her entire lifetime then she will be a very rich girl indeed. She then said she understood, and dropped the friend that was a bully. I am so proud of her to have stood her ground and decided on her own what she was willing to put up with and what she wasn't. My daughter is a very loving and giving young lady, and she would give you the shirt off her back if she thought you needed it more than she did, and so i worry about her, because she does allow a lot of advantages to be taken against her. So, your child has to decide that as well.
What am i willing to put up with for the sake of not feeling lonely or being alone.? What am i willing to live with and not live? weigh the consequences, and then decide. Each person has to make that decision no matter the relationship.just my two cents

Jewel

I think what you need to do first of all, is teach your daugter to choose her friends wisley, desperate for friendship can cause her to be in a cirlce of girls tht will lead her to some bad choices, my daughter, didn't have a whole of of friends, until the 7th grade and she joined the Color/Winter Guard at school, and she continue on in High school, and then became captain of the Color/Winter guard team, and these kiods are an eleat group of kids, their are one big family, now in her first year of college, she has many good friends, put I taught her the difference between a friend and just someone to hang out with, she had a hard time for a while, but now she understands why i taught what I did. Patience is really impotaant in making true friendships. J.

I absolutely think you did the right thing. You have to stand up and do what is right for your child. Whether the other mother listens or not is her choice. Is there a way to keep your daughter active in oustside activities? Sports, dance, art....possibly she can find a friend that way.

M.

I would take my daughter out of that school and enroll her in a different school if possible. It sounds like she is miserable with these 2 friends. Good luck to you.

I have a ten year old stepson, and he is a timid soul who seems to hang out with bullies as well... It doesn't always work out to talk to the other parent, because they don't see what you do, as you stated. However, I've found a great couple of things to do that seem to have been working. First, when there is a friend that my son just needs to hang out with, I make sure they have lots of time together with ME. Yes, I invite them to come with us to movies, to scouts, to church, to pizza to hang at the house and do things with our family. I believe that when they see how we treat our son, his sisters included, how we love respect him, they are less inclined to be a bully. I am a semi retired school teacher, and all the kids know me, and like me. I use that to my advantage because they don't want me to think badly of them, and all kids have it in them to feel that way about other adults. I always state the things the bully child does that is good, what type of behavior I like I encourage.
Before you know it, there is no more bullying, it dissappears. Kids need our intervention, but in their lives as a positive influence. Going up to the parents just creates a maelstrom of guilt and defensive behavior, or it could... best to be avoided. After a time I noticed my son didn't want to hang out with this boy anymore, he saw things he did to others that he finally saw as bullying. He was over it.
Next stage, I encouraged my son to find ways to help his former friend not be a bully, and when he led the rally, others in his grade followed and the bully had no one to boss around anymore because the little dudes got organized, as my son puts it.
Yesterday, this former friend, bully and now much humbler friend rode his bike to my house. I greeted him with the kindness we always had for him, asked about what he had been up to since we hadn't seen him for awhile. He was subdued, polite and humble, asked where Levi was. He was next door with his new friend group, and I encouraged him to go over and play with them all. He looked scared to death. I called the cellphone that he wears when he isn't in my house, and told him M was there. He was happy to include him and be the bigger person. I relayed that information to M and he stood at least 2 inches taller. I think we handled things well, it took some time and definitely patience.. but we live in small town too, and these kids grow up together, and graduate together. I hope the greater good was achieved. good luck with your situation.
C.

when i was a kid i had a girlfriend and her last name was Gay..and we got into a little fight once and i was saying.." _______is gay ______is gay! taunting her..
well she told her mom and had to ask what gay was...then her mom had a talk w/ me and i never did it again. She was very serious ..not mean..and just explained why it wasn't cool of me to do that.
Can you have the girls over and somehow talk to them and let them know that being bossy and bullying people is ugly..maybe rent a movie that has a bully in it and go on and on about how it makes little girls grow into ugly women. I would probably use that tactic.

Three always seems to be a problem, especially with girls. We had a situation many years ago with three girls the same age all living a few houses from each other. Often there was a situation where two of them would gang up against the third. The grouping sometimes changed. Finally, we mothers decided that we couldn't handle it completely on our own and went to a psychologist with the three girls. We all got a lot of good advice, and things did change for the better. Of course in this case, we had three mothers who were friends and three girls who were friends, (most of the time!) and the power struggles were pretty even. Now the girls are all in their mid-forties, and live fairly far apart, but are still good friends when they attend various functions like weddings.

I don't know if the other mothers consider it a problem, and would consider getting together with the three daughters, with or without a professional, but it wouldn't hurt to ask.

S. Toji
Irvine California

even though my kid is only half the age of yours, it seems as though peoples personalities stay pretty similar from the time they are really small. if another kid is mistreating mine, and im there to see it or if they are both in my care for the moment, i always try to get both sides of the story. i will talk to both kids and have them speak to each other in kind words. and tell them if i feel that their behavior is inappropriate. i try to see them as my own child and speak to them respectuflly as though they can make good choices on their own as long as i help point them down the right path.

i had a lot of friends that did bad things, when i was a kid, and i was taught to be fair and kind to everyone no matter how i felt about them. so i would let my friends know what i thought about the way they acted and more times than not they would change, becuase they knew it was the right thing. be a good example to your child and your child will be a good example to her friends no matter what kind of person they are.

Hi A.,
It must be so hard: you want your daughter to have friends, but you also don't want to compromise your(and her) morals.
I can give you advice only as a pre-teen/teen in your daughter's shoes. If you are seeing those kinds of problems in your daughter's friends, I would say to keep her out of that friendship as much as possible without being over controlling. Otherwise your daughter (as the follower) will be getting into the same behavior as her friends. From experience, it is better to be a little lonely for a season than to compromise your morals, standards, and humanities. Besides, it doesn't sound like this friendship is bringing her any joy (crying, being manipulated,etc).
Maybe talk to her about how we become like the people we choose to hang around, and bring up the qualities she would like to see in herself vs. the qualities in the 'friend'. Try to let her choose, and at the same time, keep your safety net around her as the loving parent that you are.
Have you tried enrolling your daughter in sports, dance, art classes, or whatever else she might be interested in? This would be a great way for her to expand her options for friends. Good luck and God bless

I understand what your dealing with, i have 2 girls both in kindergarden and there are a couple bullies at school and my girls happen to be the target. My girls keep attempting to be friends with them and it hurt them as well as myself to see what they have to deal with. I personally am too nervous to talk with the parents (worry of their reactions) So instead i do talk with the teachers and the teachers noticed the problem as well. The only thing i can think of to relieve some of the worry for me as well as my girls is to just ignore them. I tell my girls that if someone is mean...you dont need them as friends. what helps me to understand it is...i have noticed a majority of the time...someone will bully another person because they have low self esteem and to make themselves feel better they feel the need to bring someone down.

when i was younger i was terribly bullied by a boy...i later found out through my mom that that boy had went through a very tough childhood, he had lots of trouble in his home.

also...just like you taught your daughter to be kind, maybe the other girl wasnt taught that and has some problems going on at home, its hard to know what goes on behind closed doors.

best you can do is to encourage your daughter to keep being kind (but dont let herself get used) who knows...maybe eventually her kindness will rub off.

i wasnt exactly miss popularity in elementay and jr. high and i didnt have a backbone and was picked on a lot...but...as i got into highschool...and the mean kids grew up some...me still being kind to everyone got me further ahead and i made tons of friends. If anything else, let your daughter know its good to make friends in other groups. sometimes...good friends can actualy be totally different from you.

Basically, it's a matter of building your daughter's confidence, otherwise, she'll be drawn to boys and girls that control her. There are many books and websites that address low self-esteem. Personally, I've found a mother's role modeling (without saying anything) and a father's involvement, are the biggest factors in a child's esteem.
Good luck

A.~
My daughter is 10 years old too. Girls go through this all the time!! Make sure that your daughter is confident in who she is and don't allow her to fall victim to bullys. Her friends need to be girls who she is comfortable with and like her for who she is. She needs to dicide for herself if this friend is worth having. If someone makes you feel bad about yourself, then they are not a friend. She needs to surround herself with prositive people and not people who put her down or make fun of her.
My daughter was hanging around a group of girls where one was causing problems with the others. My daughter felt like she had lost her best friend because of a lie this girl told. I told her that it would all work out. I felt bad for her and sympathized with her. I had friendships like that too growing up. It did work out. This girl was lying to everyone in the group and now she is the one without friends. My daughter and her best friend are closer than ever because of this. They know that they can count on each other.
Good luck!!

In my humble opinion you did do the wrong thing, but you haven't really hurt anything yet. The fact is that unless you have proof of some bad behavior that the mother can't ignore, or a real problem that doesn't originate in your own daughter's feelings, you should not go to another mother and question the way they are raising their children.
I know that might not be what you intended, but that is probably how the other mother felt. "Hi, I'm calling to cancel a playdate because you are a bad mother and allowing your child to become a controlling little brat. Thanks and have a nice day." It doesn't really sit well, because no matter how nicely you said whatever you said, this other mother will read what she wants into the conversation.
As any mother, you want to protect your child from trouble, whether that trouble is a mean person who tells her what to do or falling off the swing and getting hurt. But remember, most of these kind of problems help a child to develop their sense of the world and their place in it. Talk to your child, just as you have been doing about what might work and what is going on, but unless there is some tangible problem (like stealing or hitting), it would probably be best to allow your daughter to figure out how to deal with it herself. This will not be last person who lies to her or makes her question her own value, so if she doesn't have a chance to determine how she is going to handle this problem (when she has parents who are right there backing her up) she might not be able to handle the pressure when you aren't right there or the problem is bigger than just a controlling friend who tells lies to get her way.