4Yr 3Mos Old Boy Refuses to Potty Train

I would stop training him and tell him you know he knows when to use the potty and that you're giving him the responsibility to do so on his own. Then completely back off. This will stop the battle of wills.

What Marda P. said. A battle of wills is over when one party, the adult party, leaves the battlefield.

Hmm, well I say this now, only a few weeks before I even BEGIN potty training my son so I may be all wrong! ;) But, I kind of agree with Marda. I would stop making it an issue...which will be so, so hard, but I think that is the route you have to go. In addition to that, I would also keep having him clean up the floor if there is a mess and change himself and put his clothes in the proper place or wash his underwear somehow if there is poop. Just tell him in the morning, here's your underwear, you know what to do, let me know if you need help. Done. Walk away. If/when he has an accident then calmly say something like "oh bummer, here's the towels, clean it up and get changed, let me know if you need help." walk away. I think if he stops getting a reaction of you and you just remain calm and make him take responsibility for clean up, changes, etc. then it will change. If he does not want to clean up or change then I would say he needs some sort of time out or you won't be leaving the house, reading him a story or whatever it takes to get him to change.

Good luck! I always hear boys are the hardest! My daughter was so easy, I hope it goes that easy the second time for me! Hugs!

Oh and P.S. my friend has two boys and both of them were still having poop accidents at this age, although they did pee in the toilet, but she struggled with them a lot.

Kids, esp. boys, sometimes use this for control. I suggest you just stop letting him have the control, by not making an issue of it. Say, okay, you can just stay in pull ups until you are ready to start using the toilet. And then keep him in pull ups until he decides he is ready to do it. And I don't mean each day, I mean for as many weeks or months as it takes until he's tired of dealing with pull ups.

Others might disagree with this, but if there's one place kids have control, it's their bowels. And you won't win, if they are determined not to let you. I had one who would have mini accidents occasionally till he was 7 or 8.

If you don't care, he won't have anything to battle about.

At a time when you do not have to leave the house for a few days other than to play outside, I would not talk to him at all about going potty, asking, or saying anything about potty. I would tell him that it is now up to him about when to go potty and clean up accidents. Keep a few pairs of clean underwear and clothes in the bottom drawer for his access. Try to give him the control since it's become a battle of wills. My oldest son was completely potty trained and then started to have accidents, then refused to go etc... I realized it was about will and stopped talking about it a couple of days later - he was back to no accidents. It might take a couple of weeks of this.

I know a lot of people say not to punish for "not going" but it sounds like this is more of a dicipline problem. His thinking is "I'm just not going to do it, so there!".

Try taking away a valued toy the next time he has an accident. Tell him he'll not earn it back until he's gone a full day without an accident. Next accident, take the next most valued toy, etc. Yup, he may end up with an empty toy box, but let him know you mean business. No more messing around.

Good Luck,

M

So as you said it is not a physical problem.
Thus, it is an emotion based, issue.

My son, got potty ready late. ie: when he was 3 years old. Then GRADUALLY... HE ON HIS OWN, would go to the potty more. Gradually. Unlike my daughter who at 2, was ready and it went quick with her.
We kept him naked on the bottom, kept a potty chair in whatever room he was in, NEAR by. Didn't nag him at all. Didn't use treats or rewards or scolding him. Just kept the potty chair near by... and him naked on the bottom... and he would, on his own, sit on it. Nothing came out. Then one day he did pee in it. WOW! Then we praised him. Didn't nag. Then gradually HE got more, comfortable about doing it. And one day he was potty trained. It was in steps. Gradually. Over time. The speed at which he did it... was not a point to us. We didn't compare him to his sister. But in his own time, he did it... more and more.
For him, it was an emotion based thing. Not physical. He... felt like he was losing something of himself. At first, once he'd pee in a normal toilet, he didn't even want to flush it down... it made him sad and scared. Like HE was going down the toilet. He'd even tell us "IT'S MY BODY! DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY BODY!"

Anyway, that is my story, with my "late" in age, potty learned son.
He is 6 now... and he is in school and is just fine with toilets.

But per night time, my son is still wet at night. And a heavy sleeper. He still needs sleep diapers. But per night time, this is normal and night time dryness does not occur until even 7 years old, and later in some boys. And it is totally different, than day time pottying.

I know you say you have tried treats but it is hard to tell how you used them from your post. I would stop all reminders, begging, punishment, etc for at least 3 weeks. If you have to go out with him bring changes of clothes and keep it short. Sit down with him and tell him that he is in charge of when he uses the bathroom and that if he wants your help making a plan you are available if he asks. If he has accidents control all urges to get upset, make comments, eye roll, etc. Just calmly say, "Okay, let's get things cleaned up together."

In the meantime stop having any sort of treat in the house, no candy, dessert, etc. At the end of the 3 weeks see how he is doing. If there is no progress at the end of the 3 weeks then start on the treat plan as follows:

1) Pick out a candy he likes that comes in small pieces (Rolos worked well for us).
2) Tell him that every time he sits on the toilet and tries to go, he gets a candy. He is in charge of when.
3) After 1 week or when he seems to be trying frequently, then "up the ante" by telling him that now he gets a candy every time he pees or poops in the toilet.
4) It might take a few more weeks, but you will start to see that as he experiences more success than failure, his motivation to try will increase.
5) Once he seems to have the peeing down to nearly automatic, you will probably notice that he asks for the candy less frequently (my son's requests tapered after about 2 months of successes). If not, then "up the ante" again and tell him that the candy is reserved for pooping in the toilet (which is usually the hardest aspect for kids to control and feel (especially for kids with sensory processing problems).

Good luck. I remember the aggravation I felt until I finally ended the power struggle by using the above method. My son was 3 3/4 before I got wise and tried what I described above (within a month his accidents had decreased by leaps and bounds). My son had shown huge interest in the potty before he was 2, but then kept losing interest, getting distracted with playing, etc. much to my huge amount of frustration. I had to let go!

Go back to taking him every 15 mins. Interrupt his fun enough times he'll become annoyed, "You want mommy to stop taking you potty all the time and just let you play? Then you need to start taking yourself or telling me when you have to go."

Find what motivates him. What is he really into? What is his favorite thing to do in the whole world? His all time favorite toy or obsession? TV? A video game? Playing with a certain friend? His bike or scooter? His toy guitar or his legos? Sit him down and tell him he is now to earn the privilege to play with x or to do x by using the toilet.

Watching TV was a treat for my son during potty training, so he had to go potty if he wanted to watch. #1 and #2 was worth 1/2 hr each, so if he only went #1 that day for example, he only got to watch for 1/2 hr.

TV may not work for all kids so just find something he loves and treasures and use that to bribe him.

I totally disagree with the poster that says to take away diapers at night. That is an issue that is more about when their bladder is ready and it will get you even more frustrated. One issue at a time.

As for the daytime, I totally agree with the other posters that said not to make it a big deal. I would compliment him when he does make it to the potty (compliment the act, "You did a great job getting the pee in the potty, just like Daddy, etc.") and don't make a big deal when he doesn't make it. A lot of times, I think kids do it for attention. Does he have younger sibs?

When my son had a lot of accidents, I used to get so frustrated. I just got tired of it and when I stopped making such a big deal of it, within a month or two he stopped doing it. It may not be immediate but it will happen. Good luck!

Especially when it's a control issue it's importan to put them in control. Find a future date - a trip to amusement park, starting school, Christmas, Halloween and let him know he has to be trained by then. It helps to have a major perk associated with that date. Show him a calendar, show him today and show him the future deadline and Let him pick the date he's going to be trained. Have him Circle the date, put the calendar in plain view and don't say another word.

My son was the same - nothing worked to motivate him. Until we started letting him wear pajamas all day ( on the days we stayed home). Pajamas with NO underwear and NO diaper. He didn;t want to pee on his pj's - so he would tell us when he had to go! This was also at age 4yr 3 mos. A few months later he was fine to wear underwear and happily pees in every potty he can find. It is true that they will go when they are ready. It just stinks when people tell you that, but your kid's idea of "ready" does not line up with society's idea of "ready." Hope that helps! :)

I know how you feel. My son will be 4 in a couple months and had NO interest in going on the potty. Did it a few times earlier, then just refused. No bribe/reward/threat worked...nothing. We tried a couple different potty seats and chairs...nothing. Watched videos--he loved talking about big boys on the potty...but would not do it himself! Finally I bought one of those seats that attached to a little step so the kid climbs up to the toliet. We called it his "ladder potty" since he loves climbing the little stepladder. He climbed up there, sat down and peed! Amazing. He is doing great now. (Although now we have a new problem of having to take that stupid thing everywhere..will have to work on that next!) Just a thought to try a different potty seat/ring and see if that does the trick. It was the only thing that worked for my son.

Just to note, we do still use diapers for #2 and nighttime. We needed to solve the peeing ASAP to move to a new class at preschool, so needed a quick fix. Little by little...

Tell him times up basically. Tell him that after Halloween (a recognizable time in a 4 yr old's mind) there will be no more diapers unless he is sleeping. That you are leaving it up to him to do what needs to be done before then but after then there is not a choice, he is old enough to do it and knows how. Let him know there are no more treats, nothing. It just is what he must do. If he has an accident have extra clothes in the bathroom and say "your clothes are in there, change and clean yourself. If this happens another time you will find yourself in the bathroom until you use it the right way and go pee or poop in the potty."

Play hardball, but hands off hardball in other words.

There is a 1 day potty boot camp in West Chicago! Here's the webpage:

http://www.pottytrainingconcepts.com/What-Potty-Boot-Camp...

I've seen her featured on multiple tv shows. The cost is $300. I would say it's worth it considering the cost of diapers - probably less than 6 months worth of diapers.

My son has just started using the potty here and there and I'm thinking about it if he doesn't show progression by his 3rd birthday in November.

You have to take away the diapers. You cannot let him have them even in bed. You will most likely have a lot of laundry to do, but cold turkey is the only way he will realize you are serious. You've been too easy on him.

Let him know that he starts school soon and no one will be there to change his diapers - big boys don't wear diapers! As one poster said use a date in the VERY near futre to say - that is it; if you can't use the potty like a big boy by then you will not be going (or whatever). Then use underwear and let him pee and poop in his pants. Once he sees (and feels) what it's like he will not want that anymore. This is a much easier task in the summer, but you can do it!

Is there anything that he is wanting to do, such as t-ball or other activities? I had a friend who, kind of, helped his son along, because he wanted to play t-ball but was told he couldn't be on the team unless he was fully potty trained. If it starts getting in the way of the things that he wants to do, he might be more willing to use the potty full time.

Diet might be another answer. What I learned is that too much sugar works in a child like too much alcohol in an adult. ( alcohol turns to sugar) the muscles are weakened ( like a drunk man can't walk a straight line) it is all muscle control. The bladder and colon are also muscles. So really reduce sugar of ALL kinds ( including fruits and juices) Many kids with such a problem also have some vitamin deficiencies. B-Complex is the nutritient which feeds nerves and muscles.... sort of like the electical system of the house. Here is a thought, if you don't want to accept that this could be a problem, keep a very strict log with everthing that goes in his mouth, the time and everytime he eliminates and the time.

I hope you find something soon. Good Luck Let me know if you have any other questions.