4 Year Old Son with No Determination

Hello A.,

Each child is so different, I have thought a lot about your issue and have tried to picture what is going on. I wonder if he is asking others to do things because he is trying to figure out, by observing, how to do it himself. I am a perfectionist at times, and know that if I will really study what others may be doing,then I can do it correctly. It can be frustrating to learn purely by experience and if he sees that someone else can do it, could he be asking for help to see how it's done? If you give him a few instructions when he puts on his socks, ie. "pinch your fingers around the top, open it up and slide it over your toes, then pull all the way up. . ." would he be more willing to try, again? You know so much more than you may assume. Moms often have a good sense about things, sometimes just a different perspective can help you find a better solution to a problem on your own. I wish you lots of luck with it. It seems to me that you are a very caring mom!

Best wishes,
H.

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Most of the advice you have gotten is pretty good. I teach preschool to 3-5yr. olds, and your son's behavior is not that unusual. During these years children struggle with emerging independance and the security of being taken care of and having things done for you - growing up and being your little one. It can be a confusing or frustrating time for both of you, but it is also an exciting time because they learn so much. Here are a few suggestion of ideas to help ease the transition:
Do focus on and praise effort not outcome.
Show him how fun it can be to learn and try new things - you have to set the example! Sometimes trying new foods is a good way to start. Introduce him to new people and places that come into his life as he grows with enthusiasm- doctor, dentist, community workers, sports coaches, etc.
Pick things he is interested in and have him try writing the letters in those words - car, dogs, his name, etc.
Make a game out of it - Can you get your socks on before we count to ten?
Encourage responsibility by letting him make choices - which clothes to wear, order of activities or chores, etc.
Give him small chores around the house to complete - show him how it should be done, then let him do it himself. A sense of accomplishment can be inspiring.
Children love to help and enjoy the stability of routines. If he knows what to expect there is less chance of disappointment.
Have fun together! It sounds like you are a great mom, and with your guidance your son will be a wonderful man someday.
Good Luck!

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I am not sure why your son is doing this, but I have known many people that really struggle with making a decision even as adults. They need advice and opinions on everything. It stems from a fear of making a mistake. Start by encouraging him to make very small decisions. Let him help you choose what to make for dinner. Don't leave it wide open, just ask him if you should have chicken noodle soup or spaghetti for dinner. Let him choose his clothes and make any other small, unimportant decisions that he can. Respect his decisions even if his pants and shirt don't match. Give him responsibility like making his bed, washing some dishes, and picking up his toys. Tell him how to do every little step at first and then after he has done a job several times have him guess the next step in the job. Praise him profusely for what he does right and what he attempts. Do not EVER criticize his efforts. Always look for the positive. Start very small and gradually build up to more important decisions and more difficult tasks. This may be something you have to work on for years and years, but giving him the ability to make decisions on his own and act independently is essential to a productive adulthood.

Having a talk with your son about failure and how it is essential to the learning process may also help. Once he realizes it's okay to make a mistake as long as you try to learn from it he may loosen up a bit.

By the way, good luck when school starts. My daughter is just like this and homework has always been a nightmare. I wish I had started dealing with the issue before she started school. We are fine now, but we had 2 1/2 years of terrible homework experiences.

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He does sound like he has a confidence problem. I was the same way when I was younger. My mom would explain how to do something and encourage me to try again but didn't say anything if I failed. I still have a problem with failure. Just be patient and helpful. If he can't get something open, take him through it one step at a time. Good luck!!!

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i would continue to reassure him that he can be successful at things but also require him to keep trying. it seems to me that some kids are just naturally more cautious and timid.I think that also with some little ones the ability to problem solve doesn't come as naturally. they get overwhelmed and it is just easier and less stressful to have someone help you. you may have to actively teach him the problem solving skills to get problems solved. my son is similar in some ways and at times I have to actually take the time to go step by step through a challenging situation with him so he can learn the steps to getting the problem solved. when we are done I make sure to praise him for a job well done. hope this helps, N.

http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?id=the-secret-to-raising...

This is a link to a Scientific American article that has changed my attitudes about how I teach my daughter. It suggests that it's better to praise the effort a child makes rather than just praising his accomplishments. Also that it is important for children to understand that they may not always succeed or do well initially, but that if they keep trying, they will improve.

He sounds like my 4 year old! He does write his letters, though. It just seems like if anything is hard, he gives up almost immediately. Unfortunately, his dad is a bit like that, so I'm afraid it's hereditary :(
He also starts a lot of projects, but then decides they're "boring" and won't finish them. I decided that even though I wasn't really being pushy, I needed to be even less pushy. It just makes it worse. Now I keep his half-baked projects in one place, and if he comes to me wanting something to do, I give him the option to work on one of those. He often will work on it some more. I worry about how he'll ever do anything in kindergarten, but I've stopped caring about his academic development. He has so much academia ahead of him, why not let him just play for the few years that he can?
As for not leading in play, some kids are leaders and most are followers most of the time. Because there's usually only one leader. So learning to be a good follower is maybe a better skill to learn than leadership! That doesn't mean that he won't take turns leading and learn that, too.

You are doing the right things in encouraging him, however when he needs to put on his socks, do not do it for him. Give yourself enough time if getting out the door to have him do it himself. Just simply explain he needs to do this so you can leave. I tell my children you have to try before I will help you. Nine times out of ten they do it themselves.
Some kids are aprehensive to try new things but he knows too you have your cave in point where you will just do it for him. Do not enable him, make him do it himself. Tell him he will never fail, as long as he is trying.
Don't allow him to give up in one try, if he knows you will do it of course he will have little drive to continue to drive.
Put up a visual chart for him to see his accomplishments. Every time he does something new for himself give him a smiley face.
Just keep on getting him to try himself, not giving up on the first try.
At school they will not do this stuff for him and have high expectations. I know my three year old refused to try to zip his coat then when went to preschool in two days he came home and could do it as they expected him to learn to do that. So he won't get away with quitting at school. Best he learns that from you.

(1)You need to boost his self image. When he has success with things he is already comfortable with, give him positive reinforcement. When he tries something new, regardless of his success, encourage him. Don't make the outcome such a big deal --- but the effort. (2)It's amazing he taught himself anything. You shouldn't rely on that. A parent's job is to teach their children.(3)Be a role model for him. Model the behavior. (4)Kids have different personalities. Love him for who he is, not who you want him to be.

What happens if you don't help him when he gives up? If you urge him to keep trying, will he attempt it again? It may sound mean, but I think you should stop helping him so much and let him keep trying. Make sure your husband and anyone else that your son seeks help from does the same. I don't mean that you should abandon him, or that you shouldn't help him with things that he really NEEDS you for, but things like putting on socks can be left for him to practice. You can show him once or twoce and then leave it up to him. Good luck--perseverence is an important trait in life.

How is he with a computer mouse? There's tons of games for toddlers online - www.sesamestreet.org, www.noggin.com, www.pbs.org, www.nickjr.com.

The thing I love about these games, is they sorta expect the kid to pick the wrong thing at first. It introduced lots of new phrases to my kids' vocabulary like "ooops, that's not it, try again". Then I transfer those phrases over to real life when they're having trouble doing something. and really, don't you think he'll try again if it's Elmo telling him it's OK...and to try one more time?

Advanced children have the hardest time learning to deal with failure. They're not used to it. It's devastating for them. It's probably more important to teach him to deal with failure than to write letters.

I wouldn't push him to write his letters. DO give him crayons and markers and let him draw/scribble freely. The muscle between your thumb and your pointer finger is critical for writing. If he doesn't develop it now, he will be behind when he gets in school--even through highschool. Most kids do this naturally between 2-5 yrs old. He is still developing that muscle, writing may be physically hard/painful for him if you try to push him into doing it. Don't even worry about him holding the pencil/crayon/(washable)marker the right way.

does he have etch-a-sketch he can draw on?

If you are seriously concerned, talk to your pediatrician about it. The doctor will then ask you several questions concerning when he started to do "normal" developmental things, ie. when did he sit up by himself, when did he walk, etc. He will evaluate him for PDD (pervasive developmental delay). If he is within normal limits, still encourage him to try. The key to getting him to try is praise, praise, praise! Always praise any action that he tries. If he doesn't follow your suggestion,don't say another word, or give any negative "body language" that lets him know that you are frustrated with his lack of initiative. Catch him being good and doing good,and praise him. He'll follow your lead more and more.

I'm a mom of 9, including a child with Aspberger's syndrome(a mild form of autism). Your boy just sounds like a boy who can develop into a leader if he sees something that he cannot easily do and is able to get someone to do it for him. But, you are right in that he needs to learn to do it himself.

play with him more, love him, and have fun. don't worry about having the perfect child or about being the perfect mom

Hi A. - boy you're describing my son in a lot of ways. Loved reading your "what happened next" section. Great ideas I'm going to try for my little perfectionist.

Have you tried doing it with him and then haveing him doing it him self. or you can make it a game so every time he dose something on his own give him a treat or a toy. with the treat make it something that he like or make it something that is good for him.

Hi A.,

Is he getting flouride in his water, toothpaste, etc? That can make people passive.

This is a sign of a power struggle. There are some easy ways to experiment with from the Love & Logic parenting tips. Giving choices is one opiton. Give 2 choices that you're happy with - Do you want to put your right sock or left sock on? Do you want to write the letter A or letter B? Give him 10 seconds to decide, then you decide for him, "oh so sad, you didn't choose, guess we'll put your right sock on" The idea is to give choices instead of commands so he stays in "thinking mode" instead of having a command to fight against. THere is some great CDs at the library by Love & Logic to listen to on "Avoiding Power Struggles" "Painless Parenting for PReschool years" or better yet, take a Love & Logic class. I have one starting April 11th www.shellymoorman.com.

Good luck!

Hi I would try very hard to encourage his successes no matter how small. Somewhere he has learned it isnot okay to make mistakes. Or lacks the self confidance or self esteem.. If it is fun and learning is done while playing games, he can see you and your husband making mistakes and laughing at yourselves while playing with him, so he can see it is ok. I helped raise a girl like that and he Dad and I had to make a point of saying when we goofed up and laughing at how funny it was! (She had early trauma from her mom who was an addict. )
If you really are concerned you can get free evaluation thru Developmental Pathways by a team, includes a child psychologist. Available thru Child Find grant in every county. Hope this helps. P.

I think it is because he is the oldest child. He doesn't have older siblings to look to to see how things are done, or to strive to be like. I have a 7 year old boy who is the oldest and is the same way. He needs me to help him through every little thing. But his 5 year old sister can do everything by herself. I just try to encourage him to try things by himself, and ever since he started school he has done alot better. I think because he has to do things on his own at school, and he has to keep up with the other kids. Its kind of like a competition and he wants to do as good as them. Its a good thing. It has really helped. Just hand in there. he will catch up as he gets older just enjoy him while he is little, he will never be 4 again. Hope that helps