4 Year Old Quitter

He's not a quitter, just young. Crying is a way of dealing with frustration. Don't push. After he regains his confidence with the basketball net you have at home, he may want to play again when he is older.

I don't believe that four-year-olds have the maturity to play competitive sports. It should be just for fun until he is emotionally ready for competition. Until then, it is all practice at home and all fun, as it should be.

Keep taking him to the classes. Let him sit on the sidelines and watch until he wants to join. If the classes are geared for four year olds, they will totally understand this behavior!

I have four children, all with different personalities, and have found that some of my children are more comfortable trying new things than others. It might be a control thing with him and a way for him to get some more time with you or he may be a perfectionist. Either way I think we do our children a disservice when we allow them to quit things. I know that I was never allowed to back out when I had made the choice in the first place. If he made the choice to play soccer then he should continue to play soccer, but if it was your choice then give him the chance to pick something he wants to do and then follow through. Sometimes being a parent is hard and forcing our kids to be responsible for their choices is even harder.. If this sounds harsh I did not mean it to, just have kids from the age of 13 on down and it has benefited all my children to have them keep working at things they are not necessarily comfortable doing.

Dear J., First, I think It's great you're trying to give you son opportunities to discover activities he likes. However, I think expecting a four-year-old to be consistent in a structured sport like basketball might be setting all of you up for disappointment. Why not just let him noodle around and play at what he wants for a few years? If sports still excite him in a few years, I think he'd be all the readier, both with his physical coordination&strength, and the emotional maturity to take the pressure of team sports. Lastly, it would be good to be clear about who the sports participation is more important to-your son, or you? The world and all its schedules, restrictions, rules and pressures is just around the corner for your son. Perhaps you could allow him a bit more time to explore and experiment, without hanging an awful tag like'quitter' around his neck.

I would say that he is not ready. Even though he is good and wants to play, does not mean that he is emotionally ready. At this age he doesn't understand what teamwork is, he doesn't know all of the rules of the game and his ability to socialize might not be fully developed. I say all this from my own personal experiences.

We put our extremely athletic son in soccer at age 3 and he did the same thing as your son. We ended up not going to our last four games. He just was not emotionally ready. My husband and I decided to wait until he asked to play again. He has asked to play baseball now and so we will see if he is ready again. This time he will be playing with a friend on the team. My nephew also had the same problem with sports when he was under five and now he is doing well in sports that he is older. Good luck and I definitely would consider waiting to put him in sports.

Hi, J.. My name is Chris. I am 53 and have raised 7 children, only two left at home. I am concerned that you are "labeling" your little boy a quitter. If he has already played 2 seasons of soccer, did you start him when he was only three?

I have been teaching piano lessons since I was 14. (I'm not a quitter, either!) When a mom asks me about lessons for a child, I recommend the child should REALLY WANT to do it... not give them the lessons because they asked once, and you really want this for them. If a youngster (younger than 7) wants to try, I suggest a 3-month commitment, understanding about practice, etc. Yet this is a difficult concept to teach a 4 year old.

Since he has already tried the team thing, and feels pressure to perform perfectly, I'd suggest you take him to games, so he can experience and learn by watching other players, so he'll know what he's getting himself into... That sometimes you make the shot, and sometimes you don't.

Have you seen Martian Child? THere's a great line in it: If a baseball player hits 30% of the time, he's great! Any more than that, and he's a legend! (something like that, anyway!)

It's hard to know what is best for our little angels, and when we see a spark of greatness in them, we want to encourage it! I hope there's something I've said that you can use... Just love him and encourage him.

I think 4 is too young for organized sports BUT it should not prevent you from handing him that basketball or other sport stuff when he wants to play. amd be careful how you respond when he does good or fails. he may not be old enough to understand a TOO positive or TOO negative reaction from you or others!!! sure cheer him on a bit when he succeeds but when he fails do not critize him cheer him on anyway afterall he did succeed he actually tried.
please understand I am old school I feel kids are learning way too early and pushed into sports way too early. when I was learning to raise my kids I was taught that kids do better when they are not pushed into organized stuff at a preschool level. though I am all for a child to do things earlier but not on a organized level. I am for a child to learn to read the dictionary BUT not go to school to learn how to read the dictionary. they are too young to know that they can be better or worse than that other kid on the playground or classroom and they do not know how to deal with it.

He is not ready at this time. Most kids at that age are not. It is very competitive out there.....parents are pushing their kids into so many things at such a young age and it is hard not to get caught up in all of that. Try next year, or first try a class through the Parks and Recreation, which is low key and they teach skills. When your son is ready for team sports, he will have some skills to help him feel confident.

Hi J.,

It is really frustrating to make everything happen to get one's child to an event, only to watch them refuse to participate. But let me encourage you to take a closer look at what may be going on in that little boy's head.

I can imagine his interior script something like this...

<playing basketball on the driveway outside the house> "I'm good at this, look at me, swish, nothin but net! I'll be the best player on the team! Mom will be so proud of me cause I'll be really playing!"

<at the first practice> "I don't know about that coach, is he nice? will he yell at me? That hoop is so high, I'll never get it in. Everyone will laugh at me. I can't do this. I'll fail and everyone will laugh at me."

Some kids have a risk-taker attitude; they see unexpected challenges as fun, or don't even notice them! Other kids see those speed bumps and immediatly start to lose confidence. they have a much harder time dealing with the fear of failure.

I'm guessing you are more naturally a risk-taker. At any rate, you're an adult, so you have some experience with meeting unexpected difficulties and overcoming them.

However, you son may be very different from you, tempermentally. He may have a very strong mental image about how things will go, and the have a hard time letting go of his expectations and having optomisim about overcoming challenges to his dream. He's only four, so he hasn't had much opportuinty to learn that he CAN succeed even when it's not as easy as he expected.

So, it's you job to be his reality check, his cheerleader, and a stable foundation for his self-estime. He needs someone to talk though things before hand, to make sure his expectations aren't completely pie-in-the-sky. He needs someone to help him understand that perfection isn't the goal; having fun and learning about the game is the goal. And he needs to believe that you love him unconditionally, and you believe that he is capable of great things.

So please, don't let yourself take the easy way out and label your little guy "a quitter". You have the opportunity NOW to teach him to enjoy new opportunities and challenges, see the good in risks and persevere to reach a goal. Most of us are not born with these character qualities, they have to be developed.

Hi J.,

I have a son (now 9) who has had similar issues. He doesn't cry; but gets frustrated and quits (or wants to). We've discovered that he is a perfectionist (a bit obsessive-compulsive, actually) and doesn't like doing things he's not immediately good at. You mentioned your son is good at soccer. However, there may be something about it he doesn't feel he is doing well enough at. At age 4, it is difficult to get them to understand their feelings. My advice it to make him stick with something he's made a commitment to. However, you may want to have him wait a year until he's more mature to involve him in any team sports.

Best of luck to you! :)

Warm Regards,
G. Van Luven